MARCH
ON MARCH 1:
In 1944, Roger Daltrey of the Who was born...
... Now when they say, "Roger Daltrey of the Who," it's an actual question...
In 1977, Bank of America adopts the name VISA for their credit cards.
... In 1999, Bank of America adopts the term "purchase declined" for my credit card...
In 1996, Dr. Jack Kevorkian, who has assisted more than two dozen suicides, was again acquitted of murder...
... It must have been a hung jury...
... He assisted a deadlocked jury...
In 1998, the Central Florida Naturists filed a federal lawsuit for the right to sunbathe naked at the Canaveral National Seashore in spite of a local ordinance banning the practice...
... Don’t they know the penal codes in Florida...?
In 1999, Harry Rossoll, a former U.S. Forest Service illustrator who created Smokey the Bear, passed away. He was 89...
... He was responsibly cremated in a brush-free clearing between a circle of rocks, had a bucket of water poured on him, and then was covered by dirt and patted down with the shovel...
In 1999, Paula Jones announced she would start her own psychic telephone line, which would make Paula's powers available for $3.99 a minute...
... If she's so psychic why did she follow Bill into that hotel room...?
................................................
ON MARCH 2:
In 1904, Theodore "Dr." Seuss Geisel was born. He died on September 24, 1991...
... "They did not bury him in a box, they did not bury him in his socks; they did not bury him in a jar, they did not bury him in a car..."
In 1976, Walt Disney World logged in its 50,000,000th guest...
... And it’s 200,000,000th loogey from the People Mover...
In 1977, future Tonight Show host Jay Leno made his debut there with host Johnny Carson...
... It was so successful that he's used the same jokes every night since...
In 1992, a jury was seated in Simi Valley, California, in the assault trial of four Los Angeles police officers charged with beating motorist Rodney King...
... Special chairs had to be crafted to allow the jurors to stick their heads up their asses...
In 1999, A USA Today/CNN'Gallup Poll found that 44 percent of all U.S. citizens questioned had not heard about the allegation by Arkansas nursing home operator Juanita Broaddrick that she was sexually assaulted by President Bill Clinton...
... However it also revealed that 80% of them HAD been sexually assaulted by President Clinton...
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ON MARCH 3:
In 1847, telephone inventor Alexander Graham Bell was born...
... That name would develop a familiar ring to it...
In 1933, Mount Rushmore, honoring the Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, & Teddy Roosevelt, was dedicated. It was completed on October 31, 1941...
... Most of the blasting was done, but they still had to sit around and pick at their noses for another eight years...
In 1998, "Titanic," sailed past the $1 billion mark to become the top-grossing film just weeks before the Oscars, where it had been nominated for 14 Academy Awards...
... The studios are currently negotiating with cruise lines to sink another ship for a sequel...
In 1999, Dunkin' Donuts closed its two Moscow stores, blaming the country's economic crisis...
... Who wants doughnuts and coffee in a country where you can't buy toilet paper...?
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ON MARCH 4:
In 1793, George Washington was sworn in for a second term as president of the United States. He gave an inauguration speech of only 133 words, the shortest ever...
... When you can't tell a lie as president, there's not much else to talk about...
In 1829, an unruly crowd mobbed the White House during the inaugural reception for President Jackson as he was sworn in as the seventh U.S. President...
... The house was filled with drunken men and half-naked women -- sort of like it was EVERY day during the Clinton administration...
In 1952, actor Ronald Reagan and actress Nancy Davis were married in San Fernando Valley, California. It was Ronald's second marriage...
... He's a two term husband, too...
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ON MARCH 5:
In 1982, John Belushi died of drug overdose in the Chateau Marmont Hotel in Los Angeles...
... And so did Dan Ayckroyd’s career.
... He could have taken better care of himself but nnnnooooooooo!!!!
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ON MARCH 6:
In 1972, NBA star Shaquille Rashaun "Shaq" O'Neal was born...
... He was already a foot taller than his mom...
In 1959, comedian/actor/Roseanne divorcee Tom Arnold was born...
... That was the last time he was actually between a woman's legs...
In 1836, the Alamo in San Antonio, Texas, fell to Mexican forces led by Mexican General Antonio Santa Anna after a 13-day siege. All 187 defenders of the mission compound - including Davy Crockett and James Bowie - were killed...
... They lost the battle but won something much more important -- the movie rights...
In 1992, personal computer users braced for a "virus" known as "Michelangelo," set to trigger on March 6, but only scattered cases of lost files were reported...
... I found something that wrecks computers even more that month -- it's called "Windows"...
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ON MARCH 7:
In 1933, the game "Monopoly" was invented...
... I think that first game is STILL GOING...
In 1939, Clark Gable and Rhea Langham divorced...
... Frankly, he didn't give a damn...
In 1999, Stanley Kubrick, the reclusive director of such films as "2001: A Space Odyssey,'' died. The police said they did not know the cause of death, but that there were no suspicious circumstances...
... His home computer, Hal, was not available for comment...
In 1999, Bearded rockers ZZ Top filed a $15 million lawsuit accusing Chrysler Corp. of ripping off the band's song "La Grange" in a video clip to promote a new vehicle...
... I've got a better song for Chrysler to use in their car commercials -- have they ever heard Tom Petty's "Breakdown"...?
................................................
ON MARCH 8:
In 1951, White-Out was invented...
... To new computer users -- this does NOT work on your monitor -- try the "Delete" button...
In 1998, James McDougal, President Clinton's former business partner in the Whitewater land development project, died in a federal medical prison...
... "If I'm lying, may God strike me dead... uh-oh..."
In 1998, the New York Post reported that police were investigating a small group of Brooklyn rabbis for allegedly using hired goons to torture and beat Jewish men into giving their estranged wives a religious divorce...
... Usually that’s left to their mothers...
In 1999, the U.S. Supreme Court allowed a shooting victim's family to sue filmmaker Oliver Stone and others over allegations that their fictional movie "Natural Born Killers" inspired a real-life crime spree...
... Anybody who saw "JFK" knows that murders in Stone's films have nothing to do with real life...
................................................
ON MARCH 9:
In 1959, O.J. Simpson trial witness Kato Kaelin was born...
... Or is that wit-LESS...?
... If you bring the birthday cake, O.J. will bring the knife...
In 1987, Chrysler Corp. announced it had agreed to buy the financially ailing American Motors Corp. for a total of $757 million in cash and stock...
... Coincidentally that's exactly how much I spent on repairs to my Pacer...
In 1972, a ‘George McGovern for President’ fundraiser was held, starring Carly Simon, James Taylor, Barbra Streisand, and Mama Cass...
... That explains all four votes that he got that year...
In 1998, Prince Charles had laser surgery Monday to repair damaged cartilage on his right knee. The heir to the throne had the surgery at King Edward VII Hospital, where his aunt, Princess Margaret, is being treated after a minor stroke...
... Fortunately with Charles’ nose and ears, there’s no shortage of cartilage to replace it with...
In 1998, a West Virginia Senate committee approved forwarding a bill that would legalize taking 'road kill' home for cooking and eating. The rationale is savings on highway cleanup staffs...
... Also the second amendment was extended to include a hunter's right to bear a Chevy...
In 1999, Mary Bono has made the cover of Hustler magazine - as one of the 20 Republican members of Congress featured in "The Flynt Report." The 84-page special edition is due on newsstands April 6. Republicans Bob Livingston (La.), Henry Hyde (Ill.), Bob Barr (Ga.), Tom DeLay (Texas) and "possibly a few others" will share the cover with Bono...
... Just as long as Henry Hyde isn't the fold-out -- then I'm not reading it...
In 1999, Amy Fisher has dropped a $220 million lawsuit claiming she was raped and abused by prison guards. The 23-year-old charged in 1996 that she was assaulted by five officers at the Albion Correctional Facility...
... Now the real question: Was she Buttafuocoed...?
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ON MARCH 10:
In 1888, Oscar G. Mayer, the late chairman of Oscar Mayer Co, was born...
... He was cremated -- and he plumped when they cooked him...
In 1893, New Mexico State University canceled its first graduation ceremony, when its only graduate Sam Steele was robbed & killed the night before...
... There went his "Most Likely to Succeed" award, too...
In 1980, "Scarsdale Diet" author Dr. Herman Tarnower was shot to death at his Purchase, New York, home...
... On the bright side he stopped gaining weight...
In 1998, Chevelle Butts sued former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson for $22.5 million, claiming he verbally and physically abused her after she spurned his sexual advances in the early morning at a Washington restaurant...
... How can you talk to someone named Chevelle Butts and NOT make it sound like verbal sexual abuse...?
In 1998, Laurie Beechman, the longest-running Grizabella in Broadway's longest-running hit, "Cats,'' died. She was 43...
... Well, she was sick enough that they put her to sleep...
... People suspected she was sick when she was wearing one of those veterinarian’s cones around her neck during the last few performances...
In 1999, 64-year-old Larry King's wife, Shawn Southwick-King, 38, gave birth to their new son Chance Armstrong on Tuesday night. Chance weighed 7 pounds, 6 ounces, and arrived during a natural delivery...
... Chance's first word was "Grandpa" -- and he was looking at Larry...
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ON MARCH 11:
In 1956, Amy Fisher's mechanic lover and ex-con Joey Buttafuocco was born...
... He swore he'd never have sex out of wedlock again -- but I'll bet his cellmate had something to say about that...
In 1984, Gary Hart found himself the target of criticism during a debate by Democratic presidential candidates, particularly from Walter F. Mondale, who ridiculed Hart's new ideas theme, asking, "Where's the beef?", a reference to a line in a TV commercial...
... Apparently he slipped it to Donna Rice...
... Of course eight years later when Clinton ran, the motto had changed from "Where's the beef" to "Hide the salami"...
In 1997, the ashes of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry were released in space...
... The next day the smog count on Earth was a point seven; the Gene Roddenberry count was a point eight...
In 1998, authorities announced that a Southern California woman died from complications of streptococcal necrotizing fasciitis, commonly known as flesh-eating bacteria...
... Strangely, they got a lot of inquiries from SoCal women into just wanting it on their hips and thighs...
In 1998, Argentine television reporter Manuel Romani filmed a man attacking him with a machete before dropping the camera to defend himself...
... It’s his own fault -- he kept yelling, “Cut! Cut!!!”
................................................
ON MARCH 12:
The U.S. Post Office was established today in 1789...
... And the first letter was lost tomorrow in 1789.
In 1896, spitting on the street was banned in New York City...
... Maybe one of these days they'll get around to banning vomiting and urinating...
In 1994, Melanie Griffith changed her mind after filing for divorce from Don Johnson a day earlier. "I have terrible P.M.S.," she explained, "I just went a little crazy..."
... Suddenly all of Don's substance abuse problems were explained...
In 1992, Tammy Faye Bakker announced that she was divorcing her husband, Jim, after 31 years of marriage. Jim Bakker got the news at the Federal Medical Center in Rochester, MN, where he was serving an 18-year prison sentence...
... And for the divorce settlement she said she wanted half of everything their PTL followers owned...
In 1998, Jim Carrey and a group of friends enjoyed a week at Goldeneye, Ian Fleming’s secluded former home on the north coast of Jamaica, where Fleming wrote all the James Bond books...
... You know, the books with an evil rich megalomaniac who holds the free world ransom for millions of dollars while seducing and torturing beautiful women? Hmmm, I wonder who Jim roots for...
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ON MARCH 13:
In 1911, author, philosopher, educator, explorer, artist, composer, humanitarian; administrator; scriptwriter; and Church of Scientology founder Lafayette Ronald “L. Ron” Hubbard was born. He died on Jan 24, 1986...
... When he put the "die" in Dianetics...
In 1913, William J. Casey, who headed the CIA during the Iran-contra scandal, was born. He died in 1987...
... Or as they say in intelligence -- he went DEEP underground...
In 1884, the Strip Tease was introduced 1884 in Paris, France...
... Not intentionally -- somebody's pants split after eating too many chocolate soufflés...
... It's not bad enough that the French popularize bad Jerry Lewis movies, now they’re responsible for bad Demi Moore films, too.
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ON MARCH 14:
In 1998, Dolly the cloned sheep was fleeced in the name of science, and the sweater carefully produced from her wool was put on display in London's Science Museum...
... So is it considered wool or imitation wool...?
... A one of a kind creation... er, two of a... ah, forget it...
In 1998, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported Mary Letourneau, the former teacher imprisoned for having sexual relations with a 14-year-old boy, was pregnant for a second time by the teen-ager...
... On the bright side, they didn't have to buy the kid any toys -- it just borrowed dad's...
In 1999, Hustler publisher Larry Flynt announced he was expanding his media holdings by launching a fashion magazine for "Men of Color..."
... If there's one guy who knows NOTHING about clothes...
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ON MARCH 15:
In 1961, romance novel-cover model Fabio was born...
... At his age he's more like Flab-io...
In 44, B.C., Roman Emperor Julius Caesar was assassinated by a group of nobles that included Brutus and Cassius. The next day, Brutus vowed to find the real killers...
... Between golf games and lecture appearances, that is...
In 1999, a federal judge in New York threw out an indictment of two men accused of trafficking in human organs taken from executed Chinese prisoners...
... I guess their hearts just weren't in it...
................................................
ON MARCH 16:
In 1926, Joseph Levitch (who grew up to become Jerry Lewis) was born in Newark, N.J...
... "Grew up" not being a LITERAL term here...
In 1959, Flavor Flav of Public Enemy was born...
... That clock on his chest is now a pacemaker...
In 1987, "Bostonia" magazine printed an English translation of Albert Einstein's last high school report card., and he received a "D" in French...
... Pretty bad, relatively speaking...
In 1988, Vice Adm. John Poindexter and Lt. Col. Oliver North are indicted on charges of conspiracy to defraud the U.S. by illegally providing Nicaraguan rebels with profits from the sale of weapons to Iran...
... They didn’t have a shred of evidence against North -- well, okay, they had a LOT of shreds, but no evidence...
In 1999, a wet squirrel cut the power supply to 5,000 people in a German town when it walked through a 10,000-volt switching station...
... All they found afterwards were some roasted nuts...
................................................
ON MARCH 17...
In 1895, Samuel Horwitz, who went on to become "Shemp"
Howard of the Three Stooges, was born. He was the brother
of Moe & Curly...
... The doctor slapped him and his brother Moe got an idea.
In 1998, The White House denied a rumor on Wall Street that
President Clinton was going to take a polygraph test to
answer sex allegations about him...
... In two hundred years the presidential motto has gone
from "I cannot tell a lie" to "I cannot take a lie detector
test..."
In 1999, Hillary Rodham Clinton received a crystal statue
etched with her image from the National First Ladies'
Library, then saluted the women who preceded her in the
White House...
... You know, Susan, Gennifer, Paula...
................................................
ON MARCH 18:
In 1961, The Poppin' Fresh Pillsbury Dough Boy was introduced...
... If he eats a birthday cake is that cannibalism...?
In 1584, Russia’s Ivan The Terrible died...
... If you thought he was terrible before, you should have smelled him by noon.
In 1970, a Postal Workers strike begins in New York City and spreads to other cities. President Nixon calls out the National Guard...
... Unfortunately the postal workers were better armed...
In 1999, New York lawmakers designated a busy stretch of Manhattan's West Side Highway in honor of the late Joe DiMaggio...
... And every pothole was called a "Steinbrenner"...
In 1999, Justice Media videotaped a commercial with O.J. Simpson making a pitch for legal representation...
... "Justice Media -- a cut above the rest!!!"
................................................
ON MARCH 19:
In 1848, Wyatt Earp was born; he died on Jan 13, 1929, at 80 years old...
... 80 years -- that’s almost as long as the Kevin Costner movie.
In 1937, Clarence "Frogman" Henry ("Ain't Got No Home") was born...
... That was just in the tadpole stage.
In 1955, actor Bruce Willis was born...
... Bald, naked, crying -- just like in all of his movies.
In 1987, televangelist Jim Bakker resigned as chairman of his PTL ministry organization amid a sex and money scandal involving Jessica Hahn, a former church secretary...
... I’d be more shocked if he actually had sex with Tammy Faye.
... He said he was just laying his hands on the congregation.
In 1994, the world's largest omelet (1,383 square feet) was made from 160,000 eggs in Yokohama, Japan...
... But Godzilla was still hungry and ATTACKED!!!!
................................................
ON MARCH 20:
In 1998, former President George Bush agreed to take shares in Global Crossing Ltd. in lieu of an $80,000 fee for speaking to a group assembled by the telecommunications business in Tokyo...
... He earned extra for keeping his dinner down during the speech...
In 1999, Vice President Al Gore ended an 11-day silence about his much-ridiculed claim that he invented the Internet. Gore said, quote, "I was pretty tired when I made that comment because I had been up very late the night before inventing the camcorder..."
... There's a difference between inventing a computer program and BEING a computer, Al...
In 2001, Tommy Lee Jones married his longtime girlfriend Dawn Maria Laurel during a private ceremony in Texas...
... A Man in Black married a Woman in White...
In 2002, A Ugandan woman bit off her husband's penis and testicles during an argument...
... Wouldn't you know this was the first time she swallowed...?
................................................
ON MARCH 21:
In 1962, Rosie O'Donnell was born...
... Ah, the good old days -- before she could speak...
In 1944, Timothy Dalton, the fourth James Bond in the MGM/UA film series, was born...
... At his age he has to renew his license to kill in person each year...
In 1962, actor Matthew Broderick was born...
... Just like all of his line readings, he was a late delivery...
In 2228, Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise will be born...
... His mom will be on a nine month mission...
In 1891, a Hatfield married a McCoy, which ended a long family feud in West Virginia between the families. The feud started with an accusation of pig-stealing and it lasted 20 years. Outsiders claimed at least a half-a-dozen vicious murders…
... I’ll bet they fought more AFTER they were married...
In 1999, writer Salman Rushdie had surgery on his eyelids to correct a condition making it increasingly difficult to open his eyes...
... Turns out he was just reading one of his own books...
In 2002, Pamela Anderson announced she contracted the disease hepatitis C by sharing a tattoo needle with her ex-husband, Tommy Lee. Hepatitis C, which is spread through blood-to-blood contact, causes inflammation of the liver, which can lead to cirrhosis, liver cancer and liver failure...
... Too bad -- the liver was the last part of her body that hadn't been artificially enlarged...
................................................
ON MARCH 22:
In 1952, Bob Costas was born...
... He's the only newborn baby the doctor has ever slapped to shut up...
In 1990, Cody Newton Gifford, the son of Kathie Lee & Frank Gifford, was born...
... The "666" was removed immediately...
In 1931, William Shatner was born...
... You're only as old as the color of your toupee...
In 1999, Mary Jo Buttafuoco announced she had forgiven the Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher, who had an affair with her husband and shot her in the head in 1992. Mrs. Buttafuoco also said she supported a deal that would hasten Ms. Fisher's release from prison...
... They've both been through a traumatic experience together: You know -- sleeping with Joey...
................................................
ON MARCH 23:
In 1983, Dr. Barney Clark, recipient of a permanent artificial heart, died at the University of Utah Medical Center after 112 days with the device...
... Thus fulfilling the lifetime warranty...
In 1983, President Ronald Reagan first proposed the Strategic Defense Initiative, to develop technology to intercept enemy missiles -- a proposal that came to be known as "Star Wars."
... His proposals for a computer named "Hal" and a peace treaty with the Klingons were ignored...
In 1999, a Dutch company introduced the world's first female urinal, called the "Lady P"...
.... If I was a woman I wouldn't stand for it...
In 1999, Leland's auction of sports memorabilia featured a box of Ted Williams' condoms -- twelve rubbers with a picture on the front of the Red Sox hero swinging his mighty bat...
... "Just slide right in and you're safe!!!"
................................................
ON MARCH 24:
In 1887, disgraced silent film star Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle was born...
... Who later proved things DON'T go better with Coke...
In 1874, magician/illusionist Harry Houdini was born. He died in 1926...
... He'll be getting out of that box any minute now...
In 1898, the first US automobile was sold. Alexander Winton sold a car that he built in Cleveland to mining engineer Robert Allison for $1000...
... But with the easy financing plan Allison’s STILL not done paying it off.
In 1962, Marilyn Monroe and President Kennedy stayed at Bing Crosby's Palm Springs home for the weekend. Monroe said it was the only time she ever slept with Kennedy...
... "Ask what you CAN do for your country..."
In 1989, in the nation's worst oil spill, the supertanker Exxon Valdez (vahl-DEEZ') ran aground on a reef in Alaska's Prince William Sound and began leaking 11 million gallons of crude oil...
... Proving oil and water DO mix...
In 1990, Inventor, engineer, and founder of WANG computer makers, Dr. An Wang died at the age of 70...
... They found a stiff Wang in bed that morning.
In 1998, beset by controversy over its scantily clad waitresses, the Hooters restaurant chain began serving its chicken wings for the first time in Boston, Massachusetts...
... Forget wings -- when it comes to chicken or Hooters, I’m a breast man...
................................................
ON MARCH 25:
In 1918, Howard Cosell was born. He died in 1995...
... But didn't quit talking until 1997...
In 1947, Elton John was born...
... He’s still standing -- but he needs a boost and a walker.
In 1996, the FBI surrounded the Montana compound of a tax-evading group called the Freemen, beginning a lengthy standoff...
... Soon to be called the CONVICTEDmen...
In 1999, a county in Florida barred women from exposing more than 75 percent of their breasts in public. Violators would face $500 fines and 60 days in jail...
... So you could expose one boob and half of the other...?
................................................
ON MARCH 26:
In 1931, actor Leonard Nimoy was born...
... He's quickly reaching the final frontier.
In 1934, Driving tests were introduced in Britain...
... Some test -- everybody still drives on the wrong side of the street.
In 1948, Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler was born...
... Soon he'll be singing "Push Your Walker This Way."
In 2000, Sylvester Stallone and Madonna were named the 20th Century's worst actor and actress at the 20th RAZZIE awards...
... And they were worried their work wouldn't stand the test of time...
................................................
ON MARCH 27:
In 1868, Patty Smith Hill -- author, educator, and the lyricist of "Happy Birthday To You," was born. She died on May 25, 1946...
... So we can sing it to her without having to pay her any royalties.
In 1952, Last Tango In Paris star Maria Schneider was born...
...She's having a nice birthday dinner, just don't say "pass the butter"...
In 1963, Quentin Tarantino was born...
... That gives him one more year before the Devil claims his soul in exchange for dating Mira Sorvino.
In 1866, Andrew Rankin received a patent for the urinal...
... Beating out a lot of other guys, who were really pissed, but he was number one...
................................................
ON MARCH 28:
In 1899, Budweiser beer magnate August Anheuser Jr. Busch was born. He died in 1989. He also owned the Saint Louis Cardinals...
... Making them a real Busch league team.
In 1384, cat eating was condemned by England's Richard III. The expression "more than one way to skin a cat" came from this era when cats were cooked for dinner. A 1399 recipe book included a chapter on cat stews...
... People saw cats licking themselves and must have assumed it meant they tasted good...
... No, we are NOT making a joke about eating pussy.
In 1979, America's worst commercial nuclear disaster occurred inside the Unit Two reactor at the Three Mile Island plant near Middletown, Pennsylvania. Residents were forced to evacuate their homes after a nuclear meltdown...
... It's not easy running out of town on three legs.
In 1996, Congress passed the presidential line-item veto...
... President Clinton immediately vetoed three of the Ten Commandments.
In 1999, gunmen with grenade launchers and an assault rifle opened fire on the U.S. Embassy in Moscow, in an attack apparently linked to opposition to NATO airstrikes on Yugoslavia...
... Worse yet, Russians have to wait eight hours in line just for a chance to attack the embassy...
................................................
ON MARCH 29:
In 1964, model Eleanor "Elle" MacPherson was born...
... They wanted to take some baby pictures, but she was too expensive...
In 1886, the first batch of Coca Cola was brewed over a fire in a backyard in Atlanta, GA, with the ingredient cocaine. Dr. John Pemberton created the concoction as a "hangover" cure and advertised it as a "brain tonic and intellectual beverage." Cocaine was an ingredient of Coke until 1904 when Congress banned it...
... Because it was hard to snort the drink up your nose -- the bubbles tickled...
In 1991, Former President Ronald Reagan reverses his position by coming out in favor of seven day waiting periods for purchases of handguns...
... Saving millions of lives -- for seven days...
................................................
ON MARCH 30:
In 1937, movie producer, director, writer and actor (Henry) Warren Beatty was born. He's Shirley MacLaine's brother...
... Shirley was born a few years before... and 50 years before that... and 80 years before that...
In 1981, President Reagan was shot and seriously injured outside a Washington, D.C., hotel by gunman John W. Hinckley Jr. Hinckley wanted to impress actress Jodie Foster. Hinckley was later found not guilty by reason of insanity...
... People charged Reagan with the same thing and he still got re-elected...
In 1858, the pencil with an attached eraser was patented by Hyman L. Lipman. The average pencil can write a continuous line 35 miles long...
... And the average eraser can't remove an inch of it...
In 1964, John Glenn withdrew from the Ohio race for U.S. Senate because of injuries suffered in a fall...
... 100 miles in space he's fine; six feet up he's a wreck...
................................................
ON MARCH 31:
In 1948, former Vice President Albert Gore was born...
... That means there's another ring around his trunk... Is he considered old growth yet...?
In 1945, comedian Gabe Kaplan was born...
... "Welcome Back Kotter" still hasn't aged a bit -- the jokes are STILL a hundred years old.
In 1991, Danny Bonaduce attacked a transvestite prostitute in Phoenix AZ...
... How gross -- to almost have sex with... Danny Bonaduce!!!
In 2001, illusionist David Copperfield was taken to a hospital in a state of "extreme exhaustion" after collapsing during rehearsals for a television special...
... His act even put HIM to sleep...
In 2001, former 'Hollywood Madam' Heidi Fleiss was arrested for allegedly using methamphetamines, a violation of her parole...
... From a whorehouse to a crack house to a stint in the big house...
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