FEBRUARY
ON FEBRUARY 1:
In 1968, Lisa Marie Presley -- the daughter of Elvis & Priscilla Presley, and Michael Jackson's ex-wife, was born...
... She was doomed from the start as Michael's wife -- she was of legal age...
In 1968, Pauly Shore was born...
... Since then he's regressed...
In 1840, the first U.S. Dental college, the Baltimore College of Dental Surgery, was incorporated...
... "Is the patient in a lot of pain? Crying? Good -- you graduate...""
In 1951, the third series of A-bomb tests were completed in the desert of Nevada...
... Ever notice how Las Vegas seems to glow at night...?
In 1851, evaporated milk was invented by Gale Gordon....
... Nobody thought his idea held water...
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ON FEBRUARY 2...
In 1947, actress/calendar girl Farrah Fawcett was born. She played Jill Munroe on "Charlie's Angels," and was married to Lee Majors, who played "The Six Million Dollar Man'...
... After the divorce he was the THREE million dollar man...
In 1937, comedian Tommy Smothers, the eldest of the Smothers Brothers, was born...
... So mom DID like him best -- until Dickie was born a year later...
In 1966, Woody Allen wed Louise Lasser...
... Unfortunately she didn't give him any children, so he had nobody to date for the next 20 years...
In 1969, actor Boris Karloff, who played the Frankenstein monster, died...
... OR DID HE?!?!?
In 1997, former Atlanta Olympic bombing suspect Richard Jewell agreed to a $500,000 deal that gave 20th Century Fox the right to make a feature film about his ordeal at the hands of the media and the FBI...
... So he WAS responsible for a bomb...
In 1997, police arrested McDonald's employee Mence Powell, 19, for selling marijuana in Happy Meals from the drive-through window...
... They figured it out when his customers kept getting the munchies and circling back into the drive-thru lane...
... On top of that, they got him for asking if they'd like to supersize their coke...
In 1997, Connie Hamzy, a the Little Rock, Arkansas, resident known as "Sweet Sweet Connie," told the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette that she passed three polygraph tests over the weekend regarding an alleged encounter she had with then-Governor Bill Clinton in 1984. Hamzy is a self-professed sex groupie for rock bands...
... She's a music groupie? Apparently she's never heard him play the saxophone...
In 1997, the Broadway show "Cats," was sued by a woman who said one of the characters was too frisky. A woman says she was sitting in a orchestra seat with her fiancee when actor David Hibbard, dressed as the feline Rum Tum Tugger, came off the stage and attacked her as part of the show on Jan. 30, 1996. The 'New York Times' said Amato filed suit asking for $6 million in punitive and compensatory damages for assault, battery, invasion of privacy and other charges...
... Not to mention the rabies shots...
... They had Hibbard neutered to keep it from happening again...
In 1998, Senators Diane Feinstein and Edward Kennedy introduced a bill to ban human cloning for a decade...
... 60 Senators opposed the bill -- but they were all the same guy...
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ON FEBRUARY 3:
In 1920, Dr. Henry Heimlich, who developed an anti-choking procedure, was born...
... The mother didn't have to push -- the doctor just hugged her ribs and SQUEEZED him out the other end...
In 1959, was the day the music died. Buddy Holly (Charles Hardin Holley) Ritchie Valens (Richard Steven Valenzuela) and Big Bopper (Jiles Perry Richardson) died in a plane crash...
... "ValuJet Airilines' inaugural flight, now taking off... oops"
In 1998, Mary Kay LeTourneau, a 36-year-old former teacher was released from jail on child rape charges, and was then arrested in Seattle after being caught with the 14-year-old father of her baby, in violation of her parole (she had his second child later that year)...
... "So which kid is their son -- and which kid is the FATHER...?"
... Say what you want, that kid will NEVER drop out of school...
In 1999, a jury was chosen to hear misdemeanor assault and battery charges against the former child star of the NBC series "Diff'rent Strokes," Gary Coleman, who was accused of punching an autograph-seeker. Coleman faced a year in jail and could have lost his security guard license...
... Worse yet, he would have to try acting again, and the PUBLIC would suffer...
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ON FEBRUARY 4:
In 1947, Dan Quayle was born...
... Crying, flailing around, unable to speak... but let's talk about when he was a baby...
In 1971, the Osmonds received their first gold record for "One Bad Apple"...
... Named after all of the bad apples thrown at them during their performances...
In 1972, Senator Strom Thurmond suggested that John Lennon be deported...
... Looking back at what happened to John, it may not have been such a bad idea...
In 1983, Carpenters singer and drummer Karen Ann Carpenter died at the age of 32...
... "We've only just begun; to -- er... never mind..."
In 1997, a civil jury in Santa Monica, California, found O.J. Simpson liable for the deaths of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ronald Goldman, awarding $8.5 million in compensatory damages to Goldman's parents. (Six days later, the jury added $25 million in punitive damages to go to Nicole Brown Simpson's estate and Goldman's father.)
... You bet he's liable -- he's liable to do it again because the first jury was too stupid to convict him...
In 1998, Darlene Gillespie, one of the original Mickey Mouse Club Mouseketeers, has been indicted in Los Angeles on suspicion of obstruction of justice and lying about an alleged securities fraud scam...
... "M-I-C... see you in about 20 years... K-E-Y... why? Because you’re going to the big H-O-U-S-E..."
In 1998, autopsy results showed a Rolling Stones concertgoer's blood-alcohol level was more than twice the legal limit when he plunged to his death from a railing at the Pontiac Silverdome...
... In fact, he'd almost had as much as Keith...
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ON FEBRUARY 5...
In 1914, "Naked Lunch" author William S. Burroughs, the 'Beat Generation' godfather, was born. He died on August 2, 1997...
... I guess he lost that beat...
... Was there a Naked Wake...?
In 1861, the first peep show machine was patented by Samuel Goodale of Cincinnati...
... Who went blind later that month.
... His next challenge: Finding a woman in Cincinatti worth making a peep show with...
In 1991, a Michigan court officially barred Dr. Jack Kevorkian from assisting the terminally ill who wish to commit suicide...
... He was hoping for a hung jury.
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ON FEBRUARY 6th...
In 1945, reggae great Bob (Nesta) Marley was born. This is his traditional birth date, though no Jamacian birth certificate exists. He died on May 11, 1981...
... No chance he'll "lively up himself" any time soon.
In 1933, the 20th Amendment to the Constitution -- the "lame duck" amendment -- was declared in effect. The amendment moved the start of presidential, vice-presidential and congressional terms from March to January...
... With Bush in office we no longer have a lame duck presidency... just a lame one...
In 1971, Alan Shepard hit a golf ball on the Moon using a 6-iron. The U.S. Apollo IV astronauts prepared to head back to Earth after a 33-hour stay on the moon...
... You know you're bad at golf when your ball doesn't even carry in zero gravity...
In 1992, Democratic presidential candidate Bill Clinton denied he'd tried to avoid the Vietnam draft, saying he gave up a draft deferment in the fall of 1969 because he "didn't think it was right to keep it..."
... We were one draft number away from having Bill Clinton be the president of Canada...
In 2001, after 11 years of marriage, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman said that they were separating because their work was keeping them apart...
... Their trailers for "Eyes Wide Shut," "Far and Away" and the others must have been parked very far apart, then...
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ON FEBRUARY 7:
In 1867, children's book author Laura Ingalls Wilder was born. She died in 1957, at age 90...
... She was buried in a Little Coffin on the Prairie...
In 1935, the game 'Monopoly' was first marketed by Charles Darrow, using Rich Uncle Pennybags as its symbol...
... I think the first game is still in progress...
In 1649, The "Rump" Parliament prohibited government by a single person or King...
... Instead of a Rump Parliament the United States just went with a congress full of asses...
In 1993, 13 women accused Sen. Bob Packwood of improper advances, bringing the total to 23 women who said the Oregon Republican harassed them with unwelcome sexual overtures...
... Bob Packwood from Beaverton... and the jokes write themselves...
In 1961, Marilyn Monroe entered Payne Whitney Psychiatric Clinic in New York...
... It was months before she was declared crazy enough to become an actress again...
In 1931, aviator Amelia Earhart married publisher George P. Putnam in Noank, Connecticut...
... Fortunately she DROVE to the wedding...
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ON FEBRUARY 8:
In 1994, Jack Nicholson used a golf club to attack a car...
... "Heeeeeeere's John Daly!!!""
In 1998, Five houses slid down soaked hillsides over the weekend as the latest in a series of storms blew drenching rain through Northern California. Cloudbursts dumped up to an inch of rain in some areas, and power outages blacked out 87,000 customers and shut down Bay Area Rapid Transit trains under San Francisco Bay for several hours...
... On the bright side, five people went from having mountain cabins to owning beachfront property...
In 1999, all five Spice girls are nominated for worst actress in the "Razzie" awards, for Hollywood's most loathsome annual achievements. The awards will be given out on March 20, a day before the Oscars...
... Proving they're more than just bad singers -- they're bad actresses, too...
In 1999, Rosie O'Donnell admitted that she used to raise money for the Ronald McDonald house and then keep it for herself...
... Judging by her eating habits, I'm sure all of the money got back to McDonalds, anyway...
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ON FEBRUARY 9:
In 1945, actress Mia Farrow was born...
... Or as Woody Allen would say, "Happy birthday, honey -- I mean 'mom'..."
In 1893, the world’s first striptease took place at the Moulin Rouge when an artist’s model slowly disrobed as part of a beauty competition with another woman. Her arrest and 100-franc fine caused a riot in Paris...
... But it made the strip search easier...
In 1956, Marilyn Monroe arranged the "accidental" snapping of one of the straps holding up her dress while visiting New York to announce her next film, "The Prince and the Showgirl"...
... It turned out to be a bigger release than the film...
In 1999, Monica Lewinsky was offered $75,000 to endorse a stain remover...
... Bill Clinton bought ten cases of the stuff...
In 1999, Claudia Schiffer agreed to make several appearances to promote the financially troubled Fashion Cafe with co-owners Naomi Campbell and Elle Macpherson...
... "The finest food to throw up anywhere!!!"
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ON FEBRUARY 10:
In 1955, the "Great White Shark" Greg Norman was born...
... At his age he's deciding between the wood and iron walker...
In 1930, Robert Wagner was born...
... Hart to artificial heart...
In 1863, showman P.T. Barnum staged the wedding of General Tom Thumb and Mercy Lavinia Warren, both of them midgets, in New York City. The best man was 29 inches tall and weighed 24 pounds...
... They were so short that after the wedding he carried her UNDER the threshhold...
In 1998, more than 50 percent of high school seniors said they have smoked marijuana, compared to 33 percent who admitted to its use in 1992, according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse...
... They don't call them high schoolers for nothing...
In 1999, Dartmouth College has decided that the fraternities that helped inspire the movie "Animal House'' should start accepting women members as part of a broad overhaul of social life at the Ivy League school...
... And if they don't do it -- double secret probation!!!
... If they're serious about women's rights they might want to change the phrase, "broad overhaul"...
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ON FEBRUARY 11:
In 1916, Emma Goldman arrested for lecturing on birth control...
... And was ordered to quit speaking from her diaphragm...
In 1998, Canadian snowboarder Ross Rebagliati, who won the sport's first ever Olympic gold medal, was to hand it back after testing positive for marijuana...
... I thought they only played the SUMMER Olympics on grass...
In 1998, Woody Allen's Oscar nomination for the screenplay for "Deconstructing Harry" became his 13th writing nomination, breaking the record of 12, which he previously shared with Billy Wilder...
... 13 was also the record for the age of one of his girlfriends...
In 1998, a University of Massachusetts study found that the average American voter knew a lot about the latest scandals involving President Clinton, but next to nothing about his policies...
... Of course Clinton isn’t too sure of them, either...
In 1999, Athena Rolando, the 19-year-old woman whom police found curled up in Brad Pitt's bed and sleeping in his clothes, was ordered to stay 100 yards away from the Hollywood heartthrob for three years. But outside court she said, "I'd actually like to file a restraining order against Mr. Pitt to stay away from me..."
... Pitt was then ordered to stay 100 yards away from his own house...
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ON FEBRUARY 12:
In 1877, Alexander Graham Bell publicly demonstrated the telephone (between Boston & Salem, Mass.)...
... It must to have been a pain to dial a phone in Boston and then have to drive to Salem to answer the call.
In 1998, in a major setback for President Clinton, a U.S. district judge declared the presidential line-item veto law unconstitutional...
... That meant that Clinton had to put the line "love and obey" back into his marriage vows...
In 1999, Leslie Pollack Anderson filed for divorce from Harry Anderson, the sleight-of-hand artist and TV star, citing irreconcilable differences...
... Then she made half of his stuff disappear...
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ON FEBRUARY 13:
In 1997, Debbie Rowe and Michael Jackson's son, Prince Michael Jackson Jr., was born...
... He looks exactly like Michael -- which after all of the facial alterations he’s had, PROVES that he can’t be the natural father...
In 1981, the longest sentence ever was published by the New York Times, with 1286 words...
... Until they published the string of profanity that George W. Bush uttered after Gore recanted his concession on election night...
In 1996, in a war of man vs. machine, world chess champion Garry Kasparov asked for a draw in his third game against the IBM supercomputer named Deep Blue, leaving the six-game match in Philadelphia tied at one-and-a-half games each...
... It's tough playing a cold, soulless thing with no feelings or emotions -- and playing Deep Blue is pretty tough, too...
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ON FEBRUARY 14:
In 1913, union leader James Riddle "Jimmy" Hoffa was born. He disappeared in 1975...
... His reputation is firmly cemented in union history -- literally...
In 1894, one of the greatest comedians of all time, Benjamin Kubelsky -- later Jack Benny -- was born. He died in 1974...
... Either that or he's taking a looooong beat before the punchline...
In 1779, Captain Cook was murdered by Hawaiian natives...
... And since they were cannibals, he lived up to his last name...
In 1999, the San Diego Padres announced that country music star Garth Brooks would attend spring training as a non-roster player...
... If he had any hits, they were his last...
... Talk about a screwed up organization -- Garth Brooks is playing outfield while Roseanne sings the National Anthem...
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ON FEBRUARY 15:
In 1954, "Simpsons" creator Matt Groening was born...
... "Doohhh!!! Have a Matt, man..."
In 1990, Washington, D.C., Mayor Marion Barry was indicted on eight counts of perjury and drug possession....
... He promised to get crack off the streets -- he didn't say that it would be going into his office instead...
In 1936, Adolf Hitler ordered the building of Volkswagens...
... That was his plan to conquer the US -- cripple the economy with repair bills...
... Suddenly I'm afraid to know what "fahrvergnügen" really means...
In 1999, First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton was spotted in Mexico wearing a heart-shaped gold pin on her dark suit -- a pin, sources say, that was given to her by her husband with a vow that he would never cheat on her again...
... His wife he gives a pin -- the interns he just pins...
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ON FEBRUARY 16:
In 1903, Candice Bergen's father, radio ventriloquist Edgar Bergen, was born. He performed with dummies Charlie McCarthy, Effie Klinker, & Mortimer Snerd...
... One good thing about being a ventriloquist on the radio -- nobody can see your lips move...
In 1857, The National Deaf Mute College, the first school in the world for advanced education of the deaf, was incorporated in Washington, DC...
... Now there's only one building in Washington full of people who can't hear us -- it's called Congress...
In 1937, Dr. Wallace Hume Carothers, a research chemist for DuPont, received a patent for the synthetic fiber, which replaced hog bristles in toothbrushes...
... Good -- it's not like they ever helped the hygiene of hogs...
In 1982, Lee Majors & Farrah Fawcett Majors divorced...
... After the settlement Lee was only the THREE Million Dollar Man...
In 1998, Michael Jackson announced plans for "We Are The World 2," a fund-raising concert to help starving North Korean children...
... Jackson donated millions to small children -- and that's just the court settlements...
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ON FEBRUARY 17:
In 1963, Michael "Air" Jordan was born...
... He dribbled more than most babies...
In 1992, serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer was sentenced in Milwaukee to life in prison...
... Hey, even prison food had to be an improvement over what HE was eating.
In 1998, researchers at the University of Minnesota revealed that bad teeth can give you a heart attack...
... Not to you, to the people you breathe on...
In 1999, an auction of O.J. Simpson's sports memorabilia raised a total of $430,000, including $230,000 for his Heisman Trophy. Earlier estimates had the trophy selling for as much as $4 million...
... Prices were slashed!!!
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ON FEBRUARY 18:
In 1998, Chicago Cubs play-by-play broadcaster Harry Caray died, at the age of 77...
... "Heeee's outta' there..."
In 1930, a cow named Ellie Farm Ollie became the first cow in the U.S. to take an airplane ride (and milked in flight). Her milk was sealed in paper containers and dropped by parachute over St. Louis, MO...
... The only thing they were milking on that flight was publicity...
In 1999, shock-rocker Marilyn Manson and actress Rose McGowan (of "Scream") announced their engagement...
... The only question is who gets to wear the wedding dress...
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ON FEBRUARY 19:
In 1957, pop singer Falco was born. The creator of "Rock Me Amadeus," he died in 1998...
... I hope they buried him right next to Mozart, who is STILL probably spinning in his grave...
In 1878, Thomas Edison received a patent for his phonograph...
... If the Spice Girls were around then he would have trashed it immediately...
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ON FEBRUARY 20:
In 1792, President Washington signed an act creating the U.S. Postal Service...
... It should have gone right into effect, but his letter got lost...
In 1967, Kurt Cobain was born. He died on April 5, 1994...
(To “SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT) ... "Hey Nirvana; entertain us! They can't do it -- they're Cobain-less!"
In 2000, the Los Angeles Clippers named six-time NBA champion Kareem Abdul-Jabbar an assistant coach...
... He always anted to coach on an NBA team -- but until then, the Clippers had to do...
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ON FEBRUARY 21:
In 1862, the Confederate Constitution and Presidency were declared permanent...
... I guess nobody told the Union troops...
In 1988, disgraced televangelist Jimmy Swaggart choked back tears as he confessed before his congregation that he had "sinned" in a no-tell motel with prostitute Debra Murphee, who later described him as "cheap and quick..."
... No wonder he was crying...
In 2000, Universal Pictures' three-picture, $60 million deal with Sylvester Stallone was terminated...
... It always was a Rocky relationship...
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ON FEBRUARY 22:
In 1918, Robert Wadlow, who became the tallest known human (8' 11.1") was born...
... The birth probably took longer than the pregnancy...
In 1932, Edward Moore "Ted" Kennedy was born...
... He was bottle fed -- much like the rest of his life...
In 1996, team owner Abe Pollin announced the Washington Bullets would change their name to the Wizards because of the violent connotation of the team's name...
... They don't want any name that would promote lawlessness and immorality -- that's why they got rid of the Washington Senators in baseball...
In 1998, Raymond Oscar Butler, sentenced to death for two carjacking murders, was sentenced to a death a second time for killing a fellow jail inmate...
... The second execution is going to be a lot less dramatic than the first one...
In 1999, a local court in the eastern Romanian town of Dorohoi found temporary shelter in a pub due to repair work at the town's century-old courthouse...
... Talk about passing the bar...
Chuck Jones, the Oscar-winning animation director who gave life to cartoon icons ranging from Bugs Bunny to the Grinch, passed away...
... "Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks..."
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ON FEBRUARY 23:
In 10,000 B.C., Pebbles Flintstone, cartoon character, was born...
... That was after Fred and Wilma had a little BAM BAM...
In 1836, the siege of the Alamo began in San Antonio, Texas...
... But they eventually drove Mexico out of the region -- now pass the tacos, enchiladas, Corona beer...
In 1886, the London Times publishes world's first classified ad...
... "Single male seeks single female for ripping good time; signed Jack"...
In 1997, Scientists in Scotland announced they had succeeded in cloning an adult mammal, producing a lamb named "Dolly." She was the first mammal ever successfully cloned from a cell from an adult animal...
... Personally I don't like wool substitutes...
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ON FEBRUARY 24:
In 1988, a U.S. Supreme Court ruling expanded legal protections for parody and satire, overturning a $200,000 award that the Rev. Jerry Falwell had won against Hustler magazine and publisher Larry Flynt...
... Actually it's hard to be funnier than a Jerry Falwell sermon.
In 1994, Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders labeled smoking an "adolescent addiction"...
... It's a waste of time and you're just abusing your own body -- now get back to masturbating...
In 1994, comedian Garrett Morris of Saturday Night Live fame was shot and critically wounded during a robbery attempt in Los Angeles...
... Robbery has been "berry berry" bad to him...
In 1868, the U.S. House of Representatives impeached President Andrew Johnson following his attempted dismissal of Secretary of War Edwin M. Stanton; Johnson was later acquitted by the Senate...
... And since we've now proven it's okay, he should have nailed a few interns while he was at it...
In 1999, Venus and Jupiter converged over Bethlehem, the traditional birthplace of Jesus, in much the way some scientists say they may have done to give rise to the story of the Star of Bethlehem...
... Still, there had better not be any pregnant women out there who try to give their husbands that "immaculate conception" excuse...
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ON FEBRUARY 25...
In 1965, Carrot Top was born...
... They needed hot water and lots of towels -- even then he required props...
In 1950, Your Show of Shows, a TV Variety program starring Sid Caesar, Imogene Coca, Carl Reiner and Howard Morris, made its debut on NBC-TV. The writing staff would eventually include Mel Brooks, Neil Simon, Larry Gelbart (whose birthday is today) & Woody Allen...
... It was sort of like "Saturday Night Live," only funny.
In 1998, Switzerland's first legal brothel, The Petite Fleur, opened its doors after years of court and financial battles in suburban Zurich. It doesn't itself employ prostitutes; rooms are rented to them only by the day, at a rate of $138...
... And don’t forget the lay-away plan...
In 1999, O.J. Simpson's defense lawyer Johnnie Cochran signed a deal to play himself on CBS' Guiding Light. In the episode, Cochran advises the lawyers defending the Annie Dutton character on charges of attempted murder...
... He told them to blame the murder on Colombian drug lords, a police conspiracy, and coroner mistakes, but the lawyers thought it was too unbelievable...
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ON FEBRUARY 26:
In 1829, Levi Strauss was born...
... He wore the relaxed fit diapers...
In 1916, the late Jackie Gleason was born. He smoked six packs of cigarettes a day and died of cancer in 1987...
... And awaaaay he went!!!!!!
In 1998, Transvestite boxer Parinya Kiatbusaba created a stir at a popular Bangkok boxing stadium when he refused to go naked for a weigh-in prior to a fight as required by regulations. "The rule is unacceptable, how can I strip in public," said Parinya with tears rolling down his cheeks...
... If you tell him he punches like a girl, he takes it as a compliment...
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ON FEBRUARY 27...
In 1980, Chelsea Clinton was born...
... She’s of age now, boys -- not that it ever mattered in Arkansas...
In 1919, the American Association for the Hard of Hearing was formed in NYC...
... "Meeting in session. All in favor say aye."
"
"What?"
"All in favor say aye."
"Huh?"
"All in favor say aye"
"Are you saying something...?"
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ON FEBRUARY 28...
In 1906, gangster Benjamin "Buggsy" Siegel, who invented modern Las Vegas, was born. He was killed in 1947...
... He never should have said "hit me"...
In 1935, the first lobotomy was performed...
... And Ronald Reagan became a Republican...
In 1970, bicycles were permitted to cross Golden Gate Bridge...
... Which seems pleasant until you're halfway across and have to peddle another mile...
In 1994, Lorena Bobbitt was released from a state mental hospital in Virginia, five weeks after she was acquitted by reason of insanity for cutting off the penis of her husband, John...
... John was the one running around half-cocked...
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ON FEBRUARY 29:
(It's Leap Year day, created when the Romans added an extra day to make their calendars agree with the earth's orbital period. Leap Year Day is now observed every four years (except those years that are divisible by 100 and NOT by 400, i.e., 1700, 1800, 1900, 2100, etc.) since 1582 to keep the calendar in sync with the sun.)
In 1960, motivational speaker Tony Robbins was born...
... He's 15, if you go by February 29 birthdays...
In 1944, actor Dennis Farina of "Crime Story" and "Buddy Faro" was born...
... He's 20...
In 1936, actor Alex Rocco was born...
... He's 21...
In 1288, a law took effect in Scotland where it became a crime for a man to refuse to marry a woman who made a proposal to him. If he refused, he was required to pay a fine...
... And if you say yes they can divorce you and take ALL of your money...
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