JANUARY
ON JANUARY 1:
In 1895, FBI Chief J. Edgar Hoover was born...
... "It's a boy, Mrs. Hoover... although her appears to prefer wearing the girl's romper..."
In 1892, the Ellis Island Immigrant Station in New York formally opened...
... By 10am, a thousand immigrants have been processed, registered, taken a good look at New York City, and tried to go back home...
In 1942, the Rose Bowl was played in Durham, North Carolina, because of security concerns in the wake of Japan’s attack on Pearl Harbor...
... Both teams were forbidden to execute long bombs...
In 1782, German composer Johann Christian Bach died from a heart attack...
... The first time he ever missed a beat...
In 1953, country singer Hank Williams was discovered dead in the back seat of his car during a stop in West Virginia...
... The only thing worse would be being found ALIVE in West Virginia...
... "Hey, good lookin'... er, pale lookin'... er... uh-oh..."
In 1992, Russia, also called the Russian Federation, was formed following the disintegration of the Soviet Union...
... The third choice for a name was Authoritarian Dictatorship Classic...
Every year, hundreds of thousands of revelers welcome the new year by lining the streets of Pasadena to watch the Rose Parade...
... You'd think California crowds would be tired of bumper to bumper traffic going five miles an hour...
In 1999, the Euro became the official currency in 11 countries...
... The current exchange rate is... let me calculate.. one Euro is equal to... $50 billion in undisclosed financial bail-outs from the US Federal Reserve...
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ON JANUARY 2:
In 1960, 42 year-old senator John F. Kennedy announced that he was going to run for the candidacy of U.S. President under the Democratic ticket...
... Before that announcement he'd said he needed that job like he needed a hole in the head...
In 1971, 66 fans died and over 200 more were injured in a crush at the end of a soccer game between the Glasgow-based Rangers and Celtic, called the "Ibrox disaster"...
... Or, if you're a soccer hooligan in Glasgow, it's called "a good time tailgating"...
In 1996, major telecommunications giant AT&T proposed plans to restructure its entire operation. One part of the plan was to divide the company up into three separate companies...
... So who's dropping my calls, now -- is it A, or T, or T...?
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ON JANUARY 3:
In 1892, "Lord of the Rings" author John Ronald Reuel "J. R. R." Tolkien was born. He died in 1973...
... Is six feet under considered "Middle Earth"...?
In 1977, Apple Computers was incorporated...
... It took years to incorporate -- because the screen kept freezing every time they tried to register online...
... Revenge of the Nerds, the Prequel...
In 1980, conservationist Joy Adamson, author of "Born Free," was killed in northern Kenya by a servant in a wage dispute...
... The lions might be okay with being free, but not the work staff...
In 2002, Buddy, former President Clinton's chocolate retriever, was killed by a car near the Clinton home in Chappaqua, New York...
... It was an honest mistake -- when Hillary hit reverse and stepped on the gas pedal she thought BILL was behind the car...
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ON JANUARY 4th...
In 1838, Charles Sherwood Stratton was born. At just 28 inches tall, he joined P.T. Barnum's circus as Colonel Tom Thumb. He died in 1883...
... There was a short tribute in his honor...
In 1998, Pace University basketball coach Darrell Halloran died of heart failure after collapsing during a game...
... The worst case of sudden death overtime yet...
In 1999, Ukraine confectioner Oksana Kaduk launched a brand of candy called "Monica," saying she wanted to commemorate President Clinton's scandalous affair with Monica Lewinsky...
... Are they anything like Blow-Pops...?
In 1999, Adelaide Hawley Cumming, who reigned on television as kitchen queen Betty Crocker in the 1950s and '60s, died at the age of 93...
... She was cremated at a low heat with no garnish...
In 2000, all 1,300 Social Security Administration field offices opened to the public, with no reported Y2K glitches in 50 million lines of computer code...
... Meaning all the checks were sent out late and incorrect, just like in 1999...
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ON JANUARY 5...
In 1889, The hamburger was invented...
... I think they just served me one of the original ones at Jack-in-the-Box...
In 1998, Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski stalled opening arguments in his trial by demanding to read a statement in court...
... Nobody wanted him opening any envelopes in the courtroom...
In 1999, a plan to educate a family of orangutans at the St. Petersburg Zoo by watching television backfired after the apes became more interested in the tube than each other...
... Worse yet, one of them is now in charge of programming for Fox...
In 1999, Cher denied to London's Telegraph that she had ribs removed to make her waist smaller, but admitted that she had work done on her nose and breasts...
... Everything they took off her nose was added to Sonny's...
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ON JANUARY 6...
In 1920, Sun Myung Moon, leader of the Moonies, was born...
... But he doesn’t look a day over infinity...
In 1969, future president Jimmy Carter, then governor of Georgia, and members of the Lions Club in Leary, Georgia, saw what they claimed was a UFO in the sky...
... Actually it was just Billy Carter trying to drive home after drinking about 20 cans of beer...
In 1998, actor Mykelti Williamson was arrested on suspicion of stalking his ex- wife and stabbing her boyfriend. The 40-year-old Williamson is best known for his role as the shrimp-farming buddy of Tom Hanks' character in the movie “Forrest Gump...”
... Police found a bloody shrimp fork near the crime scene...
In 1999, Monica Lewinsky was asked to be mistress of ceremonies at the annual Testicle Festival in Montana. The yearly food festival was held in, ironically, Clinton, Montana...
... Hopefully this time when she had those things in her mouth she remembered to wear a bib...
In 1999, the Earth Liberation Front accused McDonald's Corp. of cruelty to animals and other "foul practices," and claimed responsibility for a string of bomb threats targeting McDonald's restaurants across the Netherlands...
... So cooking meat is bad, but there's nothing wrong with blowing up a restaurant full of people...
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ON JANUARY 7...
In 1964, Nicholas Coppola, later known as actor Nicholas Cage, was born. Though he was Francis Ford Coppola's nephew, he chose the name Cage from comic book hero Luke Cage to go by in his acting career...
... After last couple of performances he might want to change it BACK...
In 1827, Sir Sandford Fleming, an engineer who first divided the world into time zones, was born...
... At eight o’clock, two o’clock, three o’clock, and tomorrow at 7 o’clock...
In 1980, a bill authorizing a federal bailout of Chrysler Corporation is signed by President Carter...
... Where was Carter to bail out the poor saps who BOUGHT Chrysler cars when they were broken down on the freeway...?
In 1992, President Bush arrived in Japan on a tough-talk trade mission...
... If you read his lips too closely on that trip you got a face full of sushi...
In 1998, scholars at Stanford University announced plans for a one-day conference to talk about Bob Dylan's legacy in American culture...
... The answer my friend comes from blowhards in the wind...
In 1998, O.J. Simpson's Rockingham mansion was bought by investment banker Ken Abdala for $3.95 million. Abdala announced plans to do major upgrades and renovations...
... The toughest one was getting Kato Kaelin to finally move out...
In 1999, Hillary Rodham Clinton's supporters began circulating her name as a possible candidate to run for the Senate from New York...
... Sadly she wasn't elected in time to impeach her husband...
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ON JANUARY 8th...
In 1935, Elvis Aaron Presley was born. He died on Aug. 16, 1977...
... "I'm on drugs -- I'm all shook up..."
In 1992, Kathlyn Elizabeth Bening-Beatty, daughter of Annette Bening and Warren Beatty, was born...
... She's almost old enough to start dating Jack Nicholson...
In 1964, President Lyndon Johnson declared a war on poverty in his State of the Union message...
... And you thought his war on Vietnam was ineffective...
In 1992, President Bush got ill, collapsing during a state dinner in Tokyo, and throwing up on the Japanese Prime Minister's lap...
... It's the new trade policy -- Japan gets a larger return on everything it sends to the US...
... The terms of US trade became REALLY gross barter...
... The sushi was immediately re-wrapped and served to him again...
In 1998, Unabomber suspect Theodore Kaczynski derailed opening statements for the second time in a week with a demand to be allowed to act as his own lawyer. The defendant has fought doggedly against his court-appointed lawyer's attempts to base their defense on the allegation that he is mentally ill...
... He wanted to be a lawyer? That PROVES that he's mentally ill...
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ON JANUARY 9th...
In 1972, Howard Hughes held a telephone news conference to state that the Clifford Irving biography of him was a fake...
... It was the first unauthorized autobiography...
In 1979, K-Mart Department stores pulled Steve Martin's comedy album "Let's Get Small" off their record shelves for being in "bad taste..."
... Then why don't they close the RESTAURANTS in K-Mart stores...?
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ON JANUARY 10...
In 1948, "Deep Throat" star Linda Lovelace was born...
... That must be a hard age for her to swallow...
In 1997, Dow Corning allocated $295 billion to settle breast implant suits...
... The odds in court were stacked against them...
In 1994, the trial of Lorena Bobbitt, who cut off her husband's penis and threw it in bushes outside, began in court...
... Must have broken a penal code...
... They trial had been delayed because the prosecution was missing a member...
... Even more insulting to her husband, she tried to have the case dismissed for lack of evidence...
... They couldn't even convict her for LITTERING...
In 1999, Athena Marie Rolando climbed through the window of Brad Pitt's house and stayed for about 10 hours, until LAPD officers showed up and arrested her. A judge later ordered her to stay at least 100 yards from his home...
... After "Meet Joe Black," NOBODY will be coming within 100 yards of that house...
In 1999, Linda Tripp asked for contributions to her legal defense fund in order to fight President Clinton's "thugs" - even though she was earning over $90,000 a year in her Pentagon public affairs job...
... "Public affairs" is a PERFECT job for Linda Tripp...
In 1999, the Salt Lake City Olympic Committee faced allegations that it paid for sex for International Olympic Committee members in a bid to host the 2002 Winter Games...
... And they said there wouldn't be any professionals at this Olympics...
... The IOC is always looking for fast women...
In 1998, Time magazine reported that after preliminary DNA testing, Bill Clinton was proven not to be the father of 13-year old Danny Williams of Arkansas, by way of former prostitute Bobbie Ann Williams...
... Once again -- the big news this morning: There's at least one boy in Arkansas who can be proven NOT to be Bill Clinton's son...
... Even weirder, the father turned out to be Hillary...
In 1998, five co-eds at the University of California, Santa Barbara, were arrested for performing sex acts while working at a brothel that advertised "College Cuties.'' Patricia Cota was the 29-year-old woman accused of running the brothel. The girls charged $150 per half hour...
... Which coincidentally is the tuition for most UC schools...
... Fortunately for the johns this college program has no minor...
... The hazings for those sorority houses are getting tougher and tougher...
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ON JANUARY 11...
In 1888, Keystone Cop Chester Conklin was born. He died in 1977...
... Craziest funeral procession ever...
In 1759, the first American life insurance company was incorporated in Philadelphia...
... It's been 240 years and still not one client has been paid off...
In 1843, Francis Scott Key, who wrote "The Star Spangled Banner" after witnessing the British attack on Fort McHenry, died at the age of 63...
... Then his twilight last gleamed...
In 1999, a former Las Vegas prostitute sued CBS, claiming she'd been subject to humiliation since appearing on the network's "48 Hours" news show...
... Hey, it's less humiliating than appearing on one of their sitcoms...
In 1999, the sexual preferences of Teletubby Tinky Winky were questioned when the Washington Post "outed" the children's show character. Their reasoning? Well, Tinky Winky is purple, the gay pride color, and his antenna is triangle-shaped, like the gay pride symbol...
HOW TO TELL IF A TELETUBBIE IS GAY:
-- Stomach keeps playing Liza Minelli TV specials...
-- Plans to retire from the show and move into a ranch house with Anne Heche...
-- New slogan: "We're here, with purple veneer, get used to it..."
-- Caught sleeping in bed with Bert and Ernie in their apartment on Sesame Street...
-- Marries Nicole Kidman and joins the Scientologists -- oh wait, that's Tom Cruise...
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ON JANUARY 12...
In 1951, "Cheers" and "Veronica's Closet" star Kirstie Alley was born...
... She's almost old-enough for the "senior early bird special" in the Cheers bar...
In 1910, a couple from China became the youngest parents in history. The father was 9 years old, and the mother was 8...
... How would you like to be attending an elementary school at the same time as your mom...?
In 1995, the murder trial of Hall of Fame football star O.J. Simpson began in Los Angeles...
... Ironically, the Hall of Fame referred to O.J. as a "cutting, slashing running back..."
In 1999, Michael Jordan, widely regarded as the greatest player in NBA history, announced his retirement from the Chicago Bulls...
... With the news that Jordan was leaving the NBA again, the basketball world panicked almost as much as the baseball world...
In 1999, Linda Tripp was named to Mr. Blackwell's annual list of worst-dressed women...
... Hey, it's better than seeing her naked...
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ON JANUARY 13...
In 1914, Henry Ford announced the newest advance in assembly line production of modern cars. The new continuous motion method reduced assembly time of a car from 12 1/2 hours to 93 minutes...
... Which is also how long it takes for a Ford to fall apart once you start driving it...
In 1949, the late TV and film executive Brandon Tartikoff was born...
... He was canceled on August 27, 1997...
In 1963, George C. Wallace was sworn in as governor of Alabama with a pledge in his inaugural address of "segregation now; segregation tomorrow; segregation forever!"
... He got his wish -- nobody stayed with him...
In 1999, Bill Cosby became part owner of the New Jersey Nets...
... Provoking the biggest laughs Cosby had gotten since the sixties...
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ON JANUARY 14...
In 1794, Dr. Jesse Bennett performed the first successful cesarean section on his wife...
... Cutting the mother, spanking the baby -- somebody alert the police...
... Bennett was amazed with the child, especially since he didn't know she was pregnant when he did it...
... But for the rest of his life, their son couldn't exit through a door -- he needed a side window.
In 1989, 1,000 muslims burned copies of Rushdies "Satanic Verses"...
... More tragic -- all of Jackie Collins' books remained intact...
In 2004, the makers of "Slightest Touch" released a device to trigger an orgasm without touching a woman's genital area. The Slightest Touch device, which is about the size of a personal stereo, stimulates the nerves sending gentle pulses up the woman's leg for between 10 and 30 minutes leaving women on the verge of climax...
... Kind of an "o"Pod...
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ON JANUARY 15...
In 1931, Maria Rosario Pilar Martinez Melina Baeza, otherwise known as Charo, was born...
... She goes from six names to one, and STILL nobody can remember her...
In 1967, The Rolling Stones appeared on "The Ed Sullivan Show", but were forced to change their hit single "Let's Spend The Night Together" to "Let's Spend Some Time Together" during the performance to please the CBS censors. They just mumbled the real lyrics instead...
... And Keith Richards hasn't stopped mumbling since...
In 1998, President Clinton, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with Republican Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, rewarded New York for its dramatic drop in crimes by giving the city $120 million to bolster police patrols...
... Wow -- that’s almost as much as they make in payoffs on the street!!!
In 2006, the Iraqi government hanged two top Iraqi aides to Saddam Hussein before dawn; the head of the former Iraqi dictator's half brother -- Barzan Ibrahim -- was severed from his body during the execution...
...That's when he REALLY became a half-brother...
In 2005, baseball rolled out a tougher steroid-testing program that included penalties for first-time offenders and random, year-round checks...
... The players all voted for it -- they misunderstood the term, "year-round checks"...
In 2006, a 20-year-old California Institute of Technology student set a new world's record for solving the popular Rubik's Cube puzzle, turning the tiled brain-twister from scrambled to solved in 11.13 seconds...
... His next challenge is to successfully move out of his mother's basement...
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ON JANUARY 16...
In 1974, Calvin Klein model Kate Moss was born...
... She was born weighing nine pounds -- just a little more than she weighs now.
In 1920, America went "dry" as the 18th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution took effect, prohibiting the sale of alcoholic beverages...
... Heavy drinkers everywhere said they wouldn't stand for it... then did nothing because they really COULDN'T stand...
... The Lawmakers were all proud of their achievement in ridding the country of the evils of booze... and celebrated with a bottle of Coca-Cola -- which was still made with cocaine, by the way...
In 2000, Whitney Houston was caught "Waiting to Exhale" with 15.2 grams of marijuana at an airport security checkpoint in Hawaii...
... They always said she could sing very high...
In 2002, it was announced that team of state police, bomb-sniffing dogs and National Guard troops would be deployed near Gobbler's Knob in Pennsylvania to guard the groundhog Punxsutawney Phil...
... The next day's headline: "BOMB-SNIFFING DOG EATS PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL!!!"
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ON JANUARY 17...
In 1949, comedian Andy Kaufman was born. He died in 1984...
... And if he DIDN'T die, he's turning over in his pretend grave because of "Man in the Moon"...
In 1962, "Man on the Moon" and "The Grinch" star Jim Carrey was born...
... His birthday part will be a small affair -- about the size of the audience for "The Majestic"...
In 1985, a New Jersey jury ruled that terminally ill patients have the right to starve...
... Just like all of the hospital patients in New Jersey who AREN'T terminally ill...
In 1997, Speaker Newt Gingrich agreed to accept a reprimand by the House, as well as a $300,000 fine as a penalty for ethics violations…
... He thought it was great that they accused him of ANY ethics...
In 1861, the flush toilet was patented by Mr. Thomas Crapper...
... And sometimes history provides the punchline...
In 1994, Danny Bonaduce won a split decision against Donny Osmond in a charity boxing match...
... Sadly, neither fighter was hurt...
In 2001, a growth removed from President Clinton's back tested positive for skin cancer...
... Who said Clinton hadn’t experienced any personal growth...?
... The only other thing that small on his back would be his backbone...
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ON JANUARY 18...
In 1997, Isabel Ira Ashley Bening-Beatty, daughter of Annette Bening and Warren Beatty, was born...
... Get the feeling that Annette and Warren couldn't decide on a name...?
In 1975, Roseanne's daughter Brandy Brown was born...
... The delivery room was filled with crying and screaming -- not from the baby, from Roseanne...
In 1955, Kevin Costner was born...
... Just a few more years and he might start to lose that baby fat...
In 1990, Washington, DC, Mayor Marion Barry was arrested in a drug enforcement sting operation after he was video-taped smoking crack...
... It was part of his campaign to get drugs off the street -- and into his office...
In 1994, Iran-Contra prosecutor Lawrence Walsh released his final report in which he claimed former President Reagan had acquiesced in a cover-up of the scandal, an accusation Reagan called "baseless..."
... Well, Reagan didn't say it himself, but he acquiesced...
In 1886, the first automobile was made...
... The next day was the first factory recall...
In 1999, Nathan Lane, star of "The Birdcage," outed himself in "The Advocate" magazine, revealing that he is gay...
... Just as shocking, he admitted to being male, white, and overweight...
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ON JANUARY 19...
In 1949, the salary of the President of the United States was increased from $75,000 to $100,000 with an additional $50,000 expense allowance added for each year in office. Today, the President makes $200,000 a year...
... Not counting bribes, pay-offs, tips and gratuities...
In 1998, Bob Dole won the support of Yugoslav President Slobodon Milosevic for his efforts to resolve thousands of missing persons cases from 1991-95…
... The first missing person they found that nobody had seen for four years? Bob Dole...
In 1999, Kate Moss, who had just left rehab, celebrated her 25th birthday at a party in Paris...
... She and the other models all got together to throw up her birthday cake...
In 1999, America Online and the Merriam-Webster Inc. Web site removed a thesaurus that included two slurs among synonyms for the word "homosexual...''
... Not to mention the terms "upload" and "log on"...
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ON JANUARY 20...
In 1896, comedian George Burns was born. He died March 9, 1996...
... We prefer to think that he's just researching his next "Oh God" role...
In 1989, President Reagan became first president elected in a "0" year, since 1840, to leave office alive...
... I'm not even sure he was alive past his first term...
In 1981, Iran released 52 Americans it had held hostage for 444 days, minutes after the presidency had passed from Jimmy Carter to Ronald Reagan...
... They went from being held hostage in a country run by a religious whackos and a war-hawk ruler to the Reagan-era U.S. -- in other words, they couldn't tell the difference...
In 1998, Rabbi Mordechai Halprin told parliament's Science Committee in Israel that Jewish law does not rule out human cloning...
... The other speaker, Rabbi Mordechai Halprin, heartily agreed.
In 1998, Darrell Meadows of Wallingford, Ky., complied with a judge's order and married the girlfriend he threatened to kill...
... Talk about a shotgun wedding...
In 1998, "Playboy" magazine founder Hugh Hefner, 71, and his wife, Kimberly, a former Playmate of the Year, announced a trial separation, citing "differing interests..."
... On the bright side, in ten years or so Hugh will be old enough to start dating Anna Nicole Smith...
In 1998, ex-"Playboy" playmate, ex-writer and almost-ex-actress Jenny McCarthy sued the HarperCollins publishing company, Judith Regan and ReganBooks, charging "breach of contract" for not doing enough to promote her autobiography, "Jen-X"...
... Her charges read: "Yu am not dewing enuff to public-size mi booc..."
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ON JANUARY 21...
In 1903, Harry Houdini escaped police station Halvemaansteeg in Amsterdam...
... Even before the White Bronco was invented...
In 1994, Lorena Bobbitt was found temporarily insane and not guilty of malicious wounding for severing her husband's penis...
... When she wanted a divorce she took half of EVERYTHING...
In 1998, Mykelti Williamson, the actor who played Tom Hanks' friend Bubba in the 1994 film "Forrest Gump" pleaded innocent to charges that he stabbed his former wife's boyfriend with a butcher knife...
... Asked what he used a butcher knife, he said, "You can slice him, dice him, fillet him, debone him, cut him, stab him..."
In 1998, convicted sex offender Jeffrey Morse was castrated in Illinois on his own request...
... The justice system didn't drop the ball on this one...
... "Calling Dr. Bobbitt..."
In 1999, threats against former House Speaker Newt Gingrich led authorities to keep a security detail assigned to him even though he had left public office...
... He went from having a Contract with America to having a contract out on him...
In 1999, Britain announced that Viagra would be made available to some patients through its national health system...
... Now Brits are known for having more than a stiff upper lip...
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ON JANUARY 22...
In 1959, "The Exorcist" star Linda Blair was born...
... She still makes heads turn.
In 1972, singer/actor David Bowie announced he was gay...
... It was more shocking that he announced he was an ACTOR.
In 1673, Postal service began between New York and Boston...
... Some of those first letters should arrive any day now.
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ON JANUARY 23...
In 1910, Django Reinhardt, the virtuoso three-fingered guitarist, was born...
... But he played like he had 20 fingers...
In 1953, singer/guitarist Lamont Robin Zander of Cheap Trick was born...
... But he plays like he has three fingers...
In 1977, "The Brady Bunch Hour" debuted on ABC...
... Like a half-hour wasn't too much, already.
In 2000, President Clinton played golf with Hollywood actor Jack Nicholson, and stayed out late in Beverly Hills...
... Who needs secret service guards when you've got Jack Nicholson and a golf club...
In 2000, the state of Mississippi considered a public-sex-and-nudity law, introduced by Republican state Sen. Tom King, with a provision that would make it illegal for sexually aroused men to appear in public -- barring "the showing of covered male genitals in a discernibly turgid state"...
... You'll do hard time for that...
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ON JANUARY 24...
In 1986, L. Ron Hubbard died...
... Putting the "Die" in Dianetics"...
In 1935, the first beer in cans, "Krueger Cream Ale", were sold by the Kruger Brewing Company in Richmond, Va...
... Appropriate, since the more you drink the more YOU'RE in the can...
In 1999, former President Bush, giving the keynote address to the Safari Club International's 27th annual hunters' convention, said Bill Clinton lacked respect for the presidency...
... On the other hand, he showed a lot of respect for Bush...
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ON JANUARY 25...
In 1971, ex-MTV VeeJay China Kantner, Grace Slick & Paul Kantner 's daughter, was born. She was originally named God...
... Apparently Grace called her name out quite a few times during the conception...
In 1882, novelist Virginia Woolf was born. She died in 1941...
... Nobody’s afraid of her now...
In 1973, Elvis Presley Jr., the alleged son of Elvis, was born...
... Leading to a slew of illegitimate Elvis Jr. imitators...
In 1998, a report in the "Los Angeles Times" said Monica Lewinsky claimed that President Clinton "frequently telephoned her at home late at night, engaged in telephone sex with her and eventually devastated her emotionally by becoming involved with several other women..."
... Then the ultimate insult -- he started sleeping with Hillary again...
In 1998, the "Los Angeles Times" reported that Monica Lewinsky engaged only in oral sex with the president and that Clinton told her he did not consider such an act to constitute a sexual affair...
... As long as she didn't inhale...
In 1998, the L.A. Times reported that Monica Lewinsky said that President Clinton thoroughly searched the Bible and happily concluded that oral sex does not constitute adultery...
... Actually he just changed the Sixth Commandment with a line-item veto...
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ON JANUARY 26...
In 1946, film critic Eugene "Gene" Siskel was born. He’s died in 1999...
... His thumb is now six feet down...
In 1999, Rep. Stephen Simon of Arkansas introduced a bill to let people with concealed-gun permits bear their arms in church...
... This takes "Onward Christian Soldiers" a little far...
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ON JANUARY 27...
In 1832, "Alice in Wonderland" author Lewis Carroll was born. He died in 1898...
..."He’s late; He's late: He's late, he's late, he's late..."
In 1977, President Carter pardoned Vietnam War draft dodgers...
... Explains why he kept saying "Pardon me" when he came into the room...
In 1992, Democratic presidential candidate Bill Clinton and Gennifer Flowers accused each other of lying in a dispute over her assertion that they'd had a 12-year affair. He finally admitted to the affair in 1998 during his deposition in the Paula Jones case...
... Clinton was discovered when he dedicated a song on the radio to an Arkansas State Trooper: "You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore."
In 1998, John Elway, quarterback of the Super Bowl champion Denver Broncos, denied rumors that he was thinking about retiring from football and running for Congressional office...
... The life of a politician isn't too different from a quarterbacks -- when you aren't running you're making a pass at some tight end...
In 1998, Jesse Jackson revealed that he prayed with President Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky scandal...
... Ironic -- Monica had him on HIS knees, for once...
In 1999, former Vice President Dan Quayle has resigned from the board of Central Newspapers Inc., as he started his bid to run for president...
... He doesn't have time to work -- he's going to be president...
... It was the first letter of resignation from a newspaper publisher ever in which nothing was spelled right...
In 1999, Brad Pitt was granted a temporary restraining order against 19-year-old Athena Marie Rolando, who was accused of breaking into his home and trying on his clothes...
... If he really wanted to avoid people he should have stayed in a theater playing "Meet Joe Black"...
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ON JANUARY 28...
In 1936, Alphonso D'Abruzzo, later known as actor Alan Alda, was born...
... People claim he's too sensitive around women, but with a name like Alphonso D'Abruzzo, wouldn’t YOU be, too...?
In 1957, "Tonight! America After Dark," a TV Talk Show, debuted on NBC as the second incarnation of "The Tonight Show"...
... And to this day, you still hear the same jokes in the monologue...
In 1984, Mr. Glynn Wolfe married for non-bigamous record 26th time, in Las Vegas...
... The bride tossed the bouquet, and he married the woman who caught it three weeks later...?
In 1998, President Clinton ordered the U.S. military to prepare for action against Iraq...
... Up to then the president was the one getting all the action...
In 1999, a federal appeals court upheld former United Way of America president William Aramony's seven-year prison sentence for cheating the charity out of about $600,000...
... "Because of them he's not working""...
In 1999, World famous circus trainer Mary Chipperfield was convicted on 12 counts of cruelty to animals after she kicked and beat a chimpanzee with a riding crop. Chipperfield also admitted that she hit a sick elephant and kicked a camel...
... Siegfried and Roy were later convicted of spanking their monkeys...
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ON JANUARY 29th...
In 1960, Olympic athlete Greg Louganis, winner of four Olympic Gold medals and five world titles, was born...
... He emerged from the womb in a breathtaking tuck and triple somersault, but hit the back of his head on the delivery table...
In 1879, W. C. Fields (William Claude Dukenfield) was born (although some say he was born on April 9 or Feb. 10)...
... His tombstone reads, "I'd rather be in Philadelphia," but then again, he hasn't seen Philadelphia lately...
In 1998, the Philippine Supreme Court upheld the conviction of former first lady Imelda Marcos on a graft charge, bringing her closer to possible imprisonment...
... She bought 500 different pairs of shackles, just in case...
In 1999, Elizabeth Taylor’s ex-husband Larry Fortensky was critically injured after falling down a flight of stairs at his home...
... The only time he ever sustained more damage was when he was lying under Liz Taylor...
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ON JANUARY 30th...
In 1882, 32nd US President Franklin Roosevelt was born...
... He could have been born earlier, but he wanted an extra term...
In 1998 a CBS News public opinion poll showed President Clinton's approval rating — running at 73 percent — was undiminished by the allegations of an affair and an attempt to cover it up by lying...
... In fact it went up when it was revealed he wasn’t sleeping with Hillary...
In 2000, the National Security Agency confirmed that it had a "serious computer problem" that had affected its ability to process intelligence information for three days...
... It's not the first government agency to perform without any intelligence...
In 2001, a nationwide online survey by Ohio-based Progressive Insurance found that 45 percent of married Americans ranked their cars as the thing they considered most important to them, compared to 10 percent who said their spouse was most important...
... That's because a car's body stays firm and it's easier to turn on...
................................................
ON JANUARY 31...
In 1951, disco singer Harry Wayne Casey (K.C. of KC & the Sunshine Band) was born and grew up to make disco a musical sensation...
... And that's the way we don't like it, un-unh, un-unh...
In 1964, the medical report "Smoking & Health" connected smoking to lung cancer...
... Turns out the second hump on Joe Camel was a tumor....
In 1990, McDonald's Corp. opened its first fast-food restaurant in the Soviet Union, in Moscow's Pushkin Square. It was the world's largest for the chain...
... "I'll have the McBorscht."
... Instead of Mayor McCheese they have Mayor Mckhail Gorbachev...
... "Over One Billion Serving... In Siberia"
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