JUNE
ON JUNE 1:
In 1947, Rolling Stone Ronnie "Ron" Wood was born...
... And just think -- he's the BABY of the group...
In 1926, Norma Jeane Mortenson was born. She would become an actress and change her name to Marilyn Monroe...
... She changed her name -- along with her hairline, her hair color, her chin, her cheeks, her lips, her breasts...
In 1869, Thomas Edison received a patent for his electric voting machine...
... The first vote? Cast for Joe Biden...
... Before that you had to destroy your country’s future manually...
In 1938, Superman made his first appearance in D.C. Comics' Action Comics Series issue #1. The comic book sold for 10 cents. Fifty years later, surviving copies sell for over $75,000...
... Which is more than the last Superman movie even GROSSED...
In 2003, a German woman partially severed her husband's penis when she quarreled with him after sex, police in the southern town of Konstanz said on Monday. The woman, 43, sliced her 34-year-old husband's member with a carpet knife, police said...
... They won't be shagging for a while...
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ON JUNE 2...
In 1941, Charlie Robert Watts, drummer for the Rolling Stones, was born. He died on 24 Aug 2021..
... Time was on his side, then he lost the beat...
In 1740, French writer and general Donatien Alphonse Francois -- the Marquis de Sade, was born. The term "sadism" is derived from his name...
... Note, though it’s spelled the same, it is not pronounced “Shar-DAY,” like the singer -- although listening to her music can be equally as painful...
In 1897, responding to rumors that he was dying or perhaps even dead, humorist Mark Twain, 61, was quoted by the New York Journal in London as saying that "the report of my death was an exaggeration..."
... I wouldn’t call it an exaggeration -- they just scooped everybody else early...
In 1933, a Swimming Pool was installed at The White House...
... So the president can be knee-deep in water instead of what he’s usually knee-deep in...
In 1995, a U.S. Air Force F16C was shot down by a Bosnian Serb surface-to-air missile while on a NATO air patrol in northern Bosnia; the pilot, Capt. Scott F. O'Grady, was rescued six days later, having lived on bugs the entire time...
... Still they probably tasted better than Air Force food...
In 2003, a grand jury indicted Martha Stewart on federal charges of securities fraud and obstruction of justice in an insider stock trading scandal...
... Hint to the legal sever: A green bow and gold sprinkles liven up the look of any court subpoena...
... Today on 'Martha Stewart Living', Martha shows how to press decorative license plates in a correctional facility...
... How do you accessorize prison stripes...?
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ON JUNE 3...
In 1856, Cullen Whipple, of Providence, RI, patented the screw machine.
... Today it’s known as an ATM machine...
In 1992, Democratic presidential candidate Bill Clinton played saxophone on TV's Arsenio Hall. He wailed through "Heartbreak Hotel" and "God Bless The Child"...
... Proving he truly was a blow-hard...
In 2005, Paris Hilton announced that she was engaged to a man who was also named Paris...
... It must be tough to be a husband and know that your only the SECOND most loved person of that name by your wife...
In 2003, a Florida police officer arriving at a bachelorette party because of a noise complaint was mistaken as the entertainment. The partygoers thought Gainesville Police Officer Jamie Hope was the stripper, and they didn't realize he was legitimate until he drove away with the bride-to-be in handcuffs...
... Fortunately in Florida, slipping a 20 into a man's pants works both as a tip AND a police bribe...
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ON JUNE 4...
It's Kenny G's birthday today...
... Even listening to him blow out candles sucks...
In 1937, the Grocery Shopping Cart was first invented by Sylvian Goldman of Oklahoma City...
... Amazingly, I checked, and that wobbly front wheel is even on the patent design...
In 1984, the successful cloning of DNA from an extinct animal is reported (an animal related to the zebra and the horse)...
... "Jurassic Petting Zoo"...
In 1968, Sen. Robert F. Kennedy was shot and mortally wounded at the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles. Five other people were wounded...
... Worst Yelp hotel review yet...
In 2003, 'Chicago' producers Craig Zadan, Neil Meron, CBS and Sony Pictures Television announced they were teaming to produce a 'sure-to-be-controversial' four-hour miniseries about Ronald and Nancy Reagan...
... The trick was going to be finding actors who were bad enough to play Ronald and Nancy Reagan...
In 2007, Paris Hilton was doing well after spending her first night of her probation sentence in solitary confinement at a Los Angeles County jail...
... Turns out it was no worse than a night in one of her family's hotels...
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ON JUNE 5...
In 1996, Brandon Thomas Lee, son of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, was born...
... He was breast-fed on an all-silicone diet...
In 1946, the first medical sponges were offered for sale on this day in Detroit, MI...
... So doctors could really started soaking the patients...
In 1884, Civil War hero Gen. William T. Sherman refused the Republican presidential nomination, saying, "I will not accept if nominated and will not serve if elected..."
... Today Republicans only follow the second part...
In 2000, NFL star Ray Lewis pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor count today under an agreement that drops murder charges in the stabbing deaths of two men outside a Super Bowl party...
... It was changed from "murder" to "aggressive defense"...
In 2003, the Moonlite BunnyRanch in Nevada, a legal brothel, began offering free sex to troops returning from the U.S.-Iraq war...
... Charge, men -- dive into that foxhole, and don’t forget your helmet!!!
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ON JUNE 6...
In 1949, actor Robert Englund, who played Freddie Kruger in "Nightmare on Elm Street," was born...
... At his age he's starting to look worse than Freddie...
In 1935, Gejong Tenzin Gyatsho -- the Dalai Lama, the 14th spiritual leader of Tibet's Lamaistic Buddhists -- was born...
... Did they welcome him into the world with a big "Hello, Dalai"...?
In 1844, the Young Men's Christian Association (Y.M.C.A.) was founded in London. The first in America was founded in 1851...
... It's ironic that they were a Christian association because every time that song from the Village People plays, everybody yells "Goddamn it!!!"
In 1991, Dana Plato received a six-year suspended sentence for robbing a video store...
... She said she was just trying to break into the video business...
In 1991, NBC announced that Jay Leno would replace Johnny Carson on May 25, 1992...
... Giving viewers a year to find something else to watch...
... But they said the monolog jokes would still be exactly the same...
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ON JUNE 7...
Comedy on Tap's Jeff Hause was born...
... Making almost as old as the jokes here...
In 1952, actor Liam Neeson, who played Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn in "Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace", was born...
... That was a long time ago in a hospital far, far away...
In 1958, Prince, formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince was born...
... Now formerly Prince...
In 1917, the late singer/actor/comedian Dean Martin, star of the Martin & Lewis movies and "Dean Martin's Celebrity Roast", was born...
... They still roast celebrities where he is -- just not in the same way...
In 1992, President Bush voiced confidence that he would win re-election over Bill Clinton, and eagerly embraced the role of underdog, saying, "I do better when I'm coming from behind...""
... Clinton said that a lot too, but for an entirely different reason...
In 1993, Woody Allen lost his bitter custody battle with Mia Farrow...
... Which really cut into his dating life...
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ON JUNE 8...
In 1933, Joan Alexandra Sandra Molinsky -- now known as comedienne Joan Rivers, was born. She died during plastic surgery...
... Hasn't aged a bit since...
In 1940, Nancy Sinatra II, daughter of Frank and singer of "These Boots were made for Walkin'", was born...
... At her age now her walker is made for walking...
In 1786, the first commercially made ice cream was sold in New York City by Mr. Hall...
... Since there were no refrigerators then, the first vanilla and chocolate cream DRINKS were sold ten minutes later...
In 2005, pieces of a man's body fell from the wheel well of a South African Airways passenger plane bound for John F. Kennedy International Airport and landed in the yard of a suburban home...
... Fortunately, it was the final leg of the journey...
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ON JUNE 9...
In 1940, ESPN & ABC basketball analyst Dick Vitale was born...
... "You're out of the womb, baby!!!"
In 1992, Vice President Dan Quayle, addressing Southern Baptists in Indianapolis, condemned the "media elite," saying, "I wear their scorn as a badge of honor..."
... "Honor -- capital O-n-n-e-r, honor..."
In 1979, the hottest spot in the solar system, located between Jupiter and Mars by Voyager 1, is reported to have a temperature between 300 million and 400 million degrees Celsius...
... The second hottest spot is between Rush Limbaugh's thighs after a short jog...
In 1980, comedian Richard Pryor suffered almost fatal burns at his San Fernando Valley, California, home when a mixture of "free-base" cocaine exploded...
... Why do you think they call drug addicts burn-outs...?
In 2005, Former child star Macaulay Culkin pleaded guilty to misdemeanor charges of possession of medication without a prescription and marijuana and was given a deferred sentence...
... If he takes any more drugs he'll start forgetting himself at home...
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ON JUNE 10...
In 1922, Frances Gumm, who became actress/singer Judy Garland, was born. She died in 1969, at the age of 47...
... She’s six feet under the rainbow...
In 1935, Alcoholics Anonymous was founded in Akron, Ohio, by William G. Wilson and Dr. Robert Smith...
... Oops -- were they supposed to remain anonymous? Sorry...
In 1985, socialite Claus von Bulow was acquitted by a jury in Providence, Rhode Island, at his retrial on charges he'd tried to murder his heiress wife, Martha "Sunny" von Bulow, with the help of future O.J. Simpson lawyer Allan Dershowitz...
... Any question why Allan is single...?
In 1861, Dorothea Dix, famous penal and hospital reformer, is appointed superintendent of women nurses, serving as head of hospital nursing for the Union Army...
... She wasn't much of a nurse, but having a penal reformer named Dix around always cheered up the soldiers...
In 1989, Rev. Jerry Falwell announced the disbanding of the Moral Majority.
... Apparently it wasn't moral OR a majority...
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ON JUNE 11...
In 1910, oceanographer Jacques Cousteau, co-iventor of the aqualung which made SCUBA diving possible, was born. He was buried at sea in 1997...
... He's now broken his old record of staying underwater by 25 years...
In 1939, Christina Crawford, Joan's daughter and author of "Mommie Dearest," was born...
... No more wired mommies!!!
In 1972, the 62-minute XXX-rated film, "Deep Throat," starring Linda Lovelace, opened at the Mature World Theatre in New York City...
... And boy, did it open...
In 1991, actress Julia Roberts and actor Kiefer Sutherland called off their wedding three days before it was to have taken place...
... In effect, Julia called off Kiefer’s career at the same time...
In 1994, the largest popcorn container was made in Jacksonville, Florida -- with 6,619.76 cubic feet full of popped corn. The box was 39'11.5" long, 20'8.5" wide, and 8' high...
... Let that be a lesson to you -- never ask for the biggest size they have at the movie theater...
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ON JUNE 12...
In 1987, Ronald Reagan in a speech, gave hope to millions of Europeans living under Communism, when he famously said, "Tear Down This Wall"...
... Now Republicans run on building more of them...
In 1924, college baseball player, fighter pilot, Texas oil man, 43rd U.S. Vice President, and 41st U.S. President George Herbert Walker Bush was born...
... And just like his presidency he was out after the first term...
In 1787, a law passed in the U.S. providing that a senator must be at least 30 years old...
... Age before wisdom, I guess...
In 1839, according to legend, Abner Doubleday, who later became a major name in book publishing, created the game we know as baseball. It happened in Cooperstown, NY which, coincidentally, is the present home of the Baseball Hall of Fame...
... The next day he invented the players’ strike and the lock-out...
In 1897, the Swiss Army Knife was patented by Carl Elsener...
... And, in a closely related story...
In 1994, Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were slashed to death outside her Los Angeles home. Simpson was questioned for several hours by Los Angeles police following the slashing deaths of his ex-wife Nicole and her friend, Ronald Goldman. Simpson initially cooperates with police but later flees...
... He hated to cut and run...
... And O.J. adopted the one-glove look from Michael Jackson...
... That's the last time anybody sticks their neck out for O.j....
... The police investigation that followed made the cops in OJ's "Naked Gun" movies seem professional in comparison...
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ON JUNE 13...
In 1953, actor/comedian Timothy Allen Dick -- later renamed Tim Allen -- was born...
... Does that make him Dick-less...?
In 1935, artist Christo Javacheff, famous for wrapping buildings, bridges, and entire islands in cloth and fabric, was born...
... He must hate birthdays -- that's the day he's UN-wrapping presents...
In 1888, the U.S. Congress created the U.S. Department of Labor...
... They needed to create the department because Congressmen didn’t have a clue what labor meant...
In 1930, the first Nudist Colony was declared in session...
... Formal birthday suit required...
In 2003, Mel Gibson, breaking his silence on his controversial film depicting the last 12 hours in the life of Jesus Christ, denied that his movie was anti-Semitic and insisted the film is "meant to inspire, not offend..."
... And with only one torture and execution, it was his least violent movie yet!!!
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ON JUNE 14...
In 1946, Donald Trump was born...
... It was the only time he was ever near that part of a woman's body without having to pay a divorce settlement afterward...
In 1864, disease founder Dr. Alois Alzheimer was born. He died in 1915...
... Where and how I can't remember...
In 1846, California proclaimed independence from Mexico...
... It's great to be free of Mexico -- now pass the Corona and tacos and turn up the Ricky Martin CD...
In 1983, five people were killed when a fire that began in stacked rolls of carpet and padding sent smoke and toxic fumes through a wing of a Ramada Inn in Fort Worth, Texas...
... And it still got a higher rating than the Motel Six...
In 1974, the Heimlich Maneuver was announced by Dr. Henry Heimlich...
... He could barely spit it out...
In 1989, actress Zsa Zsa Gabor was arrested for slapping a Beverly Hills motorcycle patrolman...
... He was trying to give her a ticket for not displaying a "wide load" sign -- and she was a pedestrian...
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ON JUNE 15...
In 1964, "Friends" star Courteney Cox was born...
... And she hasn’t weighed as much since...
In 1992, Vice President Dan Quayle, relying on a faulty flash card, erroneously instructed a Trenton, N.J., elementary school student to spell "potato" as "potatoe," with an "e" at the end, during a spelling bee...
... His math skills are even worse -- he thought he had a mathematical chance to be elected president...
In 1995, at the O.J. Simpson murder trial, Simpson struggled to don a pair of gloves that prosecutors said were worn the night Simpson's ex-wife, Nicole, and her friend, Ronald Goldman, were murdered...
... Proving conclusively that... he murdered them with gloves that didn't fit...
In 1986, the Communist Party newspaper Pravda reported the director and chief engineer of the Chernobyl nuclear plant had been dismissed for mishandling the disaster at the power station...
... Russia had its first successful nuclear attack -- unfortunately it was against Russia...
In 1887, Carlisle D. Graham survived a second ride over the Niagara waterfall in barrel...
... Some people just prefer the discount cruise plan...
In 2005, Michael Jackson demanded Santa Barbara County prosecutor Tom Sneddon immediately surrender all photos taken by police of the pop star's penis area. Jackson believed Sneddon, in revenge for losing the case on child abuse charges against Jackson, would somehow leak the images of Jackson's genitalia to the public...
... Worse yet, they’d release the images in a photo montage to the tune of "Beat It"...
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ON JUNE 16...
In 1971, actor and gangsta rapper Tupac Shakur was born. He was shot and killed in 1996...
... Then his next album debuted at number one -- with a bullet...
In 1903, Ford Motor Company was incorporated...
... Can the government agency responsible for this announce a recall...?
In 1893, Cracker Jack was invented by R.W. Rueckheim...
... And if you see his ring he lost in the box, he wants it back...
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ON JUNE 17...
In 1943, Ex-House Speaker Newt Gingrich was born...
... Named after a lizard -- were all the snake names taken...?
In 1946, singer/songwriter Barry Alan Pinkus (who later changed his name to Barry Manilow) was born. He is responsible for "Copacabana," "Mandy," "I Write The Songs," and Dr. Pepper, Pepsi, and McDonald's jingles...
... Not coincidentally, this is also the day that all hope for modern culture died...
In 1885, the Statue of Liberty arrived in New York City aboard the French ship "Isere" (ee-SEHR')...
... In return, we gave them Jerry Lewis (guess who got the better of THAT trade)...
In 1972, five burglars broke into the Democratic National Committee offices in the Watergate office building in Washington, D.C. and were arrested while trying to install eavesdropping equipment there, eventually leading to the resignation of President Nixon...
... So ironically, the only people listening to McGovern in 1972 were Republicans...
In 1994, O.J. Simpson was charged with two counts of murder in the slayings of his ex-wife Nicole and her male friend, Ronald Goldman. After he failed to surrender as scheduled, Simpson, reportedly holding a gun to his head in a vehicle driven by a friend, led a convoy of police cruisers on a slow-speed chase on over 60 miles of Southern California freeways...
... Hey, on the LA freeways, 40 MPH really IS high speed...
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ON JUNE 18...
In 1942, ex-Beatle Sir Paul McCartney was born...
... Will you still need him, will you still please him, when he's 94...?
In 1996, ValuJet halted flight operations...
... Or more to the point, crashed flight operations...
In 1988, Vice President George Bush launched a sharp attack against Democratic presidential candidate Michael Dukakis, accusing the Massachusetts governor of coddling criminals by allowing some convicts out of prison on weekend furloughs...
... Meanwhile the Reagan and Bush had a better plan: hire them into the administration...
In 2006, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger took the U.S. Congress to task on Wednesday before a tour of his state's border with Mexico, demanding it pass legislation to address illegal immigration...
... Yeah, nothing worse than foreigners coming here and screwing this country up, right, Arnold...?
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ON JUNE 19...
In 1897, Moses Horwitz, or "Moe" Howard, of the Three Stooges was born. He died on May 4, 1975...
... After all the eye poking, slapping, punching, kicking and hammer blows you'd think NOTHING could kill that guy...
In 1903, Lou Gehrig was born. He died on June 2, 1941, from amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (later named Lou Gehrig's disease)...
... So who did that Hodgkins guy play for...?
In 1910, Father's Day was celebrated for the first time in Spokane Washington, initiated by Mrs. John B. Dodd...
... Mrs. Dodd, the makers of cheap ties and Brut cologne thank you...
In 1792, The guillotine was invented...
... Or as they're called today, Supercuts...
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ON JUNE 20...
In 1952, actor John Goodman was born...
... The only guy who ever had to SLIM DOWN to play Babe Ruth...
In 1953, Cyndi Lauper was born...
... Old Ladies Just Wanna Have Fun...
In 1893, a jury in New Bedford, Massachusetts, found Lizzie Borden innocent of the ax murders of her father and stepmother who got a combined total of 81 whacks...
... Talk about splitting a family apart...
In 1947, Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel was shot dead at the Beverly Hills, Calif., mansion of his girlfriend, Virginia Hill, at the order of mob associates angered over the soaring costs of Siegel's pet project, the Flamingo resort in Las Vegas, Nevada. Siegel's eye was found across the room from the body...
... That was the end of his career in Vegas, though he did keep an eye out for new talent...
In 1987, Johnny Carson married his fourth wife, Alexis Mass...
... Although there was a guest husband every Monday...
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ON JUNE 21...
In 1967, Muhammad Ali was convicted of violating Selective Service laws by refusing to be drafted...
... He could dodge a jab from Sonny Liston, but not a civil servant with glasses and a draft notice...
In 2007, "Nightmare on Elm Street" director Wes Craven sued his neighbor Pauly Shore, alleging that water from the comedian's home seeped down a slope and damaged the director's property...
... I still cover my eyes in horror every time I see one of his films -- not Wes', Pauly's...
... Craven begged Pauly to restrict the release of Shore sewage to his film work...
In 2006, a Hungarian court ruled that prostitutes must have a tax number to pursue their trade...
... "Tell the truth -- am I a long-form or a short-form...?"
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ON JUNE 22...
In 1949, "Bionic Woman" actress Lindsay Wagner was born. She played a character with million-dollar surgical implants like an amplified right ear, right arm and in both legs...
... Now she needs a bionic wheelchair...
... These days most actresses spend more than that on plastic surgery to get the part...
In 1949, actress Meryl Streep was born...
... When the doctor spanked her she gave such a good performance that everyone else cried...
In 1999, the Supreme Court ruled the Americans with Disabilities Act does not extend to people with poor eyesight...
... Who cares? They can't read it...
In 1847, the doughnut was invented...
... The next day police officers invented a reason to hang around the shop all day...
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ON JUNE 23...
In 1948, 108th US Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was born...
... "Is that a pubic hair on my birthday cake...?"
In 1894, sexologist Alfred C. Kinsey, who wrote "The Sexual Behavior of the Human Male," was born. He died in 1956...
... Like every male, he was finished too soon...
HE WAS BESIDE HIMSELF (ALL THE BOBBITT JOKES): In 1993, John Wayne Bobbitt’s wife, Lorena, amputated his male appendage and threw it away. It was later recovered by someone else who put it in ice and took it to the hospital where John was also transported to...
... Talk about taking half of everything when the marriage breaks up...
... When they brought it to the hospital, John was beside himself...
... That’s what he gets for running around half-cocked...
... This is what you call a real dismemberment...
... I guess she wasn’t aware of the penal codes...
... Not only did she get away with cutting off his penis, they couldn’t even convict her of littering...
... After this, John tried to pick up the pieces and move on...
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ON JUNE 24...
In 1895, boxing great Jack Dempsey was born. He died on May 31, 1983...
... And he’s still ranked higher than Kevin McBride (insert low-rated heavyweight)...
In 1963, it was the first demonstration of home video recorder at BBC Studios in London...
... It took another twelve years for the scientists to figure out how to stop that 12:00 from blinking over and over...
In 1977, the IRS revealed that Jimmy Carter had paid no taxes in 1976...
... Apparently he hadn’t just sinned in his heart this time...
... That's because he was working for peanuts...
In 1992, the Supreme Court strengthened its 30-year ban on officially sponsored worship in public schools, prohibiting prayer as a part of graduation ceremonies...
... So don’t start praying for a job until you get home...
In 2006, Tampa authorities used a Taser stun gun on a man who walked naked through a golf course, resisted officers and spit on a paramedic over the weekend. 18-year-old Jacob Newton was walking naked on the Babe Zaharias Golf Course on Saturday night and became confrontational, so an officer stunned him with a Taser...
... Kept his eye on the ball and followed through...
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ON JUNE 25...
In 1868, President Andrew Johnson passed a law providing the first eight-hour work day for government workers...
... It was also the ONLY day government employees worked 8 hours...
In 1876, Lt. Col. George A. Custer was scalped and killed at the Little Big Horn...
... He always hated that "Yellow Hair" nick-name, anyway...
In 1910, the Mann Act was passed, making it illegal to transport women across State lines, or into the U.S., for immoral purposes...
... Now you know why they had so much trouble with the Madonna tour...
In 2006, Police in Omaha, Nebraska, reported finding a man's pot stash hidden in a roll of stomach fat. Officers say they stopped the five-foot-eight, 250-pound man because his car was blocking traffic. According to authorities, when an officer smelled marijuana in the car, he searched the man and found a baggie of the illegal weed...
... I guess he had a pot belly...?
... If ever there was a guy who DIDN'T need the munchies...
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ON JUNE 26...
In 1819, one of baseball’s founding fathers, Abner Doubleday, was born. He died in 1893...
... When he REALLY got snuffed out at home...
In 1960, actress and 1983 Playboy Playmate of the Year Barbara Edwards was born...
... Though as a 62-year-old Playmate her fame is beginning to sag...
In 1990, President H. Bush, who had campaigned for office on a pledge of "no new taxes," conceded that tax increases would have to be included in any deficit-reduction package worked out with congressional negotiators, after telling the public, "Read my lips -- no new taxes"...
... He was only talking to Dan Quayle, who he knew couldn't read...
In 1982, Marie Osmond and Steve Craig married...
... She's a little bit of country, but she got half of his little bit of rock and roll in the divorce settlement...
In 2006, Rush Limbaugh was detained for more than three hours at Palm Beach International Airport after authorities said they found a bottle of Viagra in his possession without a prescription...
... A true hardliner...
... Authorities couldn't believe he would be taking drugs without a prescription any more than they could believe a female would sleep with him...
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ON JUNE 27...
In 1880, Helen Keller was born in Tuscumbia, Alabama...
... Baby’s first word was... never mind...
In 1987, the White House announced that a final analysis of two polyps removed from President Reagan's colon showed they were benign...
... One of the lumps up his rear end turned out to be his head...
In 1993, actress Julia Roberts wed country singer Lyle Lovett...
... It was a toss-up who would wear bigger hair to the wedding...
In 1994, Anna Nicole Smith wed aging billionaire Jay Howard Marshall...
... She brought something new and borrowed, and he brought something old and blue (himself)...
In 1998, Englishwoman Diane Blood was impregnated with dead husband's sperm after two-year legal battle over her right to the sperm...
... He was dead for two years? NOW THAT’S STAYING POWER!!!
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ON JUNE 28...
In 1926, Melvin Kaminsky -- who went on to become "Young Frankenstein," "Blazing Saddles" and "The Producers" director Mel Brooks -- was born...
... Frankenstein IS young compared to him...
In 1776, Thomas Jefferson's draft of the Declaration of Independence was presented to Congress for consideration...
... He was late writing about independence and freedom because he was so busy having illegitimate children with his slaves...
In 1990, jurors in the drug and perjury trial of Washington D.C., Mayor Marion S. Barry Jr. viewed a videotape showing Barry smoking crack cocaine during an FBI hotel-room sting operation...
... He was going to solve the drug problem in Washington DC -- by doing all of it himself...
In 1999, Michael Jackson was burned for the second time in his career onstage in Germany, this time from fireworks used in a charity concert. His hair caught fire during a Pepsi commercial performance in the early nineties...
... The light shows on Michael were always better than the ones on the stage....
In 2005, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) officials have written a letter to Long Beach Aquarium President Jerry Schubel requesting the aquarium stop serving seafood and fish products at its restaurant and cafeteria...
... We'll stop eating fish when the sharks stop eating us...
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ON JUNE 29...
In 1948, former TV actor and Congressman Fred Grandy was born. He played Yeoman-Purser Burl 'Gopher' Smith on the original “Love Boat”...
... When you’re that bad an actor, Congress is the only place you can go...
In 1988, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the power of independent counsels to prosecute illegal acts by high-ranking government officials...
... Or in the case of Ken Starr, prosecute legal acts, too...
In 1994, in a British TV documentary, Prince Charles said he'd been faithful in his marriage to Princess Diana "until it became irretrievably broken down..."
... Something tells me those two events weren’t mutually exclusive...
In 1956, Marilyn Monroe married playwright Arthur Miller in a civil ceremony in Kentucky...
... Which led to a very uncivil marriage...
In 1967, Jayne Mansfield was decapitated at age thirty-four when her limousine crashed into a truck near New Orleans...
... Thus proving she was what the critics said -- a body without a head...
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ON JUNE 30...
In 1966, boxer, rapist and ear nibbler Michael Gerard "Iron Mike" Tyson was born...
... You've never seen a hungrier fighter...
... For his birthday, they're going to play "Pin the ear on Evander"...
In 1990, Santa Barbara and Los Angeles County, CA were declared federal disaster areas as fires destroyed more than 500 homes...
... It was so bad that the city of Thousand Oaks was down to two...
... The town of 29 Palms was renamed "29 Smoldering Stumps"...
In 1992, the first pay bathroom in U.S. opened in New York City, costing 25 cents...
... And before you knew it, New York was flush with money...
In 2004, May Deal Chambers Johnson of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana, sued the Applebee's restaurant chain, claiming she found a human fingertip in her take-out salad...
... Applebees argued that it was just part of their new finger food menu...
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