AUGUST
ON AUGUST 1...
In 1976, Liz Taylor had her sixth divorce, re-divorcing Richard Burton...
... I thought she didn't do sequels...
In 1981, MTV: Music Television was launched in about 2.1 million homes as the world's first all-rock video music cable channel. First video: The Buggles' "Video Killed The Radio Star"...
... It turned out that radio would kill the video stars when everybody heard how bad their music actually sounded...
In 1986, Tatum O'Neal wed John McEnroe...
... McEnroe argued with the judge for an hour over "Do you promise to be faithful" -- "YOU CANT BE SERIOUS!!!"...
In 2001, Mariah Carey was under psychiatric care following her hospitalization, which her publicist said was the result of an "emotional and physical breakdown..."
... She was dressing strange, acting bizarre, and displaying a violent temper... but her handlers then noticed a change in her usual behavior...
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ON AUGUST 2...
In 1950, O.J. Simpson trial judge Lance Ito was born...
... He was the result of a ten-minute sidebar between his parents...
In 1984, fictitious character Lisa Simpson of "The Simpsons" was born...
... Have a Lisa, man...
In 1990, Iraq invaded Kuwait. The Emir fled to Saudi Arabia; the UN Security Council unanimously condemned the Iraqi occupation and demanded Baghdad withdraw...
... They were between Iraq and a hard place...
In 2002, Al Gore criticized President Bush's policies and defended his populist positions in the 2000 campaign, saying power and greed have hurt millions of Americans with a string of corporate scandals...
... This coming from a guy raised on tobacco money...
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ON AUGUST 3...
In 1926, Anthony Dominick Benedetto, later known as "the singer's singer" Tony Bennett, was born. He sang "I Left My Heart in San Francisco." He died on July 21, 2023 at the age of 96...
... He must have left his pacemaker in San Francisco, too...
In 1941, Martha Stewart was born...
... She then showed the doctors 101 things you can do with a discarded umbilical cord...
In 1950, director John Landis was born. He directed "Animal House," "The Blues Brothers," "An American Werewolf in London," "Trading Places," "Three Amigos," and was the director during the infamous helicopter accident during the filming of the "Twilight Zone" movie that killed three people...
... That's the last time he ever yelled "Cut!"...
In 1985, mail service returned to Paradise Lake, FL -- a nudist colony. Residents promised that they'd wear clothes or stay out of sight when the mailperson came to deliver...
... Giving the term "mail box" a whole new meaning...
... "Here's your junk mail..."
In 1994, Arkansas carried out the nation's first triple execution in 32 years...
... Do you think they still had to sterilize the needle between executions to prevent infection...?
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ON AUGUST 4...
In 1903, "Boop Boop a Doop Girl" Helen Kane was born. She was the inspiration for Betty Boop. She died in 1966...
... When she boop-booped her last boop...
In 1987, the Federal Communications Commission voted 4-0 to rescind the Fairness Doctrine, which required radio and television stations to present balanced coverage of controversial issues...
... If you have an opposing view to their ruling and would like to express it on this station -- eat me...
In 1995, 90-year-old oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall died. He was survived by his grieving young widow, model Anna Nicole Smith (relatives sued to have her removed from the will)...
... Still, after the burial, their rate of sex didn't change a bit...
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ON AUGUST 5...
In 1861, the US Army abolished flogging...
... Which reduced the time privates spent alone in the latrine by 98%...
In 1926, Houdini stayed in a coffin under water for 1 1/2 hrs...
... He's far surpassed that now...
In 1962, Norma Jean Mortenson Baker, also known as Marilyn Monroe, was found dead in the bedroom of her Los Angeles home. Her death was ruled a "probable suicide" caused by an overdose of sleeping pills...
... She was naked, lying cold and motionless in bed -- this will be the only time I compare my wife to Marilyn Monroe...
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ON AUGUST 6...
In 1911, TV legend Lucille Ball was born. She died on April 26, 1989, at the age of 77...
... She must have stopped taking her Vegimita Vitamins...
In 1890, the electric chair was used for the first time as convicted axe murderer William Kemmler was executed at Auburn State Prison in New York...
... Before that the executioner had to run on carpet really fast and poke the condemned man with his finger...
In 1981, President Reagan fired striking air traffic controllers...
... Yeah but I'll bet he didn't use Air Force One for a while...
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ON AUGUST 7...
In 1947, the balsa wood raft Kon-Tiki, which had carried a six man crew 4,300 miles across the Pacific Ocean, crashed into a reef in a Polynesian archipelago...
... Still, it was safer than a Disney Cruise...
John Wayne Bobbitt, whose wife Lorena had sliced off his penis with a steak knife, began touring as a stand-up comic...
... His comedy was of the "slice of life" variety with cutting remarks...
... Asked if his act was going to be a lot of dick jokes, he said "only half"...
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ON AUGUST 8...
In 1962, Marilyn Monroe was buried...
... She has the plot with TWO mounds...
In 2001, the White House announced after President George W. Bush's medical checkup that his resting heart rate was only 43 beats per minute, a very low rate...
... Although it was a better number than his IQ...
In 2003, Arnold Schwarzenegger stunned California and announced he would run for governor of the state...
... Conan the Republican -- worst sequel yet...
... He promised to be a two-terminator...
... You can’t have a bad actor famous for lowbrow, mindless movies as the governor of California! You need seasoned politicians, like Ronald Reagan...
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ON AUGUST 9...
In 1995, Grateful Dead guitarist Jerry Garcia died...
... He was cremated -- and the entire mortuary got buzzed off the smoke...
In 1993, charges were brought against Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss for running an exclusive call-girl operation in Los Angeles...
... You're not supposed to sell sex for money in L.A. -- you're supposed to sell it for acting jobs on casting couches...
In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon formally resigned as president of the United States. Gerald R. Ford was sworn in as the nation's 38th chief executive...
... Meaning there was STILL no leader...
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ON AUGUST 10...
In 1889, "Monopoly" inventor Charles Darrow was born. He died in 1967...
... He did not pass "GO," he did not collect 200 dollars...
In 1990, Washington, D.C., Mayor Marion Barry was convicted on a misdemeanor drug charge, but a mistrial was declared on 12 other counts...
... He had a crack legal team...
In 1994, President Clinton claimed presidential immunity in a sexual harassment lawsuit filed by Paula Corbin Jones, a former Arkansas state employee...
... He preferred to wait and lie as a private citizen...
In 1995, the Los Angeles Dodgers had their game forfeited to the St. Louis Cardinals because their fans wouldn't stop throwing souvenir baseballs onto the field on Ball Night...
... And they were ALL thrown more accurately than the Dodger pitchers could throw them...
In 1981, the Richard Nixon Museum in San Clemente closed...
... It turned out all the pages of the books were erased anyway...
In 1995, Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss was convicted of conspiracy, tax evasion and money laundering...
... She offered to throw herself on the mercy of all the male jurors...
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ON AUGUST 11...
In 1807, the 11-1/2th U.S. President David R. Atchison was born; he was president for one day on March 4, 1849...
... He worked one more day than our current president has during his whole term...
In 1994, a federal jury awarded more than 10,000 commercial fishermen $286.8 million for losses suffered as a result of the 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill...
... Or roughly the cost of one serving of sushi at any New York City restaurant...
In 1997, President Clinton became the first president to use the line-item veto, a power granted by Congress the year before...
... He then vetoed "honor, cherish and obey" from his wedding vows...
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ON AUGUST 12...
In 1907, the fifth stooge, Joe Besser, was born. The Three Stooges' Joe from 1956 to 1959. He died in 1988...
... If he could survive all those blows to the head from Moe, you'd think he could survive anything...
In 1812, after studying Louis Pasteur's theory that infections are caused by bacteria, Dr. Joseph Lister became the first surgeon to use disinfectant during an operation...
... Some HMO doctors STILL haven't discovered it...
In 1978, Arron Marshall completes a record shower of 336 hours...
... And he STILL forgot to condition his hair...
In 1997, police in Suffolk Co, New York, arrested 45-year-old Bruce Stelzer, who was charged with impersonating John Ford Coley, one-half of 1970s rock duo England Dan and John Ford Coley...
... Talk about setting low standards for yourself -- he was impersonating somebody less remembered than HE was...
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ON AUGUST 13...
In 1907, The first taxi cab took to the streets of New York City...
... The guy's STILL on a coffee break, and has yet to pick up a fare...
In 1988, Vice President George Bush was contemplating a list of potential running mates as Republicans gathered in New Orleans for their party's national convention...
... Can you imagine the guys on the list LESS qualified than Dan Quayle...?
In 1992, Woody Allen began legal action against actress Mia Farrow to win custody of their three children. A judge ruled against Allen in June 1993...
... There went his dating life...
In 1995, Shannon Faulkner became the first woman to enroll at the Citadel...
... She wasn't going to have much competition at the Sadie Hawkins dance...
In 1995, Baseball legend Mickey Mantle died, at the age of 63...
... A hard liver -- literally...
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ON AUGUST 14...
In 1945, Steve Martin was born...
... He used to want to get small -- but now at his age he can’t help it...
In 1893, France issued its first driving licenses, with a required test...
... Some test -- to this day everybody STILL drives on the wrong side of the road...
In 1991, comedian Jackie Mason married his manager Jyll Rosenfeld, aged 38...
... Answering the question: "Who do I have to sleep with in this town to sign a major comedian...?"
In 1996, the Republican National Convention nominated Bob Dole for president...
... Causing great celebration in... the Democratic National Convention...
In 1994, Space telescope Hubble photographed Uranus with rings...
... So wash up down there...
In 2126, Comet Swift-Tuttle will reach Earth. Doomsday is coming!!!
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ON AUGUST 15...
In 1935, humorist Will Rogers and aviator Wiley Post were killed when their airplane crashed near Point Barrow, Alaska...
... Will never met a man he didn't like -- but I'll bet he wasn't exactly thrilled with Wiley on this day...
In 1999, Hawaii Governor Ben Cayetano agreed to play himself in an episode of "Baywatch Hawaii" called "Risk to Death"...
... The only bad part was having to get the boob job...
In 1999, on an interview on cable news station CNN, presidential nominee Gov. George Bush refused to answer questions about cocaine use. "I understand that by refusing to play the Washington, D.C., game of gossip people may draw certain conclusions about me but ... it's time for some politician to stand up and say 'enough is enough of this,''' Bush said...
... Something he NEVER said to cocaine...
In 2004, the Rolling Stones announced that their 63-year-old drummer Charlie Watts was suffering from throat cancer would recover after radiotherapy...
... On the downside, they said he could lose his hair, he could relapse, or worse of all -- sing like Keith Richards...
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ON AUGUST 16...
In 1958, Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone -- otherwise known as singer/actress Madonna, was born...
... They spanked her and she started screaming -- kind of like her stage shows today...
In 1988, IBM introduced software for artificial intelligence...
... Happy birthday to Al Gore...
In 1996, Bob Dole set out from the Republican convention, promoting his tax-cut plan as a boon to working families...
... It was a boon to families... because it made sure that he wasn't elected president...
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