APRIL
ON APRIL 1:
It's April Fool’s Day!
In 1789, the U.S. House of Representatives held its first full meeting in New York City. Frederick Muhlenberg of Pennsylvania was elected the first House Speaker...
... And they worked incredibly hard, legislated everything across the aisle and accomplished a great deal, just like today... APRIL FOOL'S!!!
... I say we do ourselves a favor and re-name the House Speaker to the House Shut-Up.
In 1979, Bartholomew J. "Bart" Simpson was born. However, as a cartoon character, he's perennially age 10 (according to creator Matt Groenig's book)...
... Sort of like Pauly Shore.
... Have an ageless cow, man!!!
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ON APRIL 2...
In 1914, actor Alec Guinness was born...
... A long, long time ago in a galaxy... well, a galaxy pretty close...
In 1513, Florida was discovered by Juan Ponce de Leon. He claims Florida for Spain as the first known European to reach Florida...
... Speaking Spanish, he was mistaken for a Cuban and immediately deported...
... Ponce de Leon: you've just discovered Florida -- what will you do next? "I'm going to Disney World!!!"
In 1999, Ronald Reagan, Vladimir Lenin, Winston Churchill and Mohandas Gandhi were among the 20 most influential leaders of the 20th century, according to a new list by Time magazine...
... Meanwhile, President Clinton was voted most influential by "Barely Legal" and "Hustler" magazines...
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ON APRIL 3...
In 1958, actor/soon-to-be-politician Alec Baldwin was born...
... He can't run for office -- he's not a bad enough actor...
In 1961, actor/comedian Eddie Murphy was born…
... The only time he cried and wailed worse was on his first music CD...
In 1882, outlaw, killer (and Bobby Brady's idol) Jesse James was shot to death in St. Joseph, Missouri, by Bob Ford...
... He robbed from the rich and gave to the poor -- of course Jesse always considered himself pretty poor.
In 1953, T.V. Guide Magazine first appeared in newsstands...
... Inside the entire TV schedule read: "Snow."
In 1933, the Marx Brothers incorporated with Harpo as president...
... Actually he was more of a silent partner.
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ON APRIL 4...
In 1965, actor/convict Robert Downey Jr. was born...
... It was the first case of a birth where the mom didn't use any drugs -- but the baby did...
In 1992, Sam Moore Walton, whose Wal-Mart retail store chain helped make him one of the world's richest men, passed away...
... He’s buried in aisle seven of the cemeitery, in the discount bin.
In 1841, President William Henry Harrison succumbed to pneumonia one month after his inaugural, becoming the first U.S. chief executive to die in office...
... Although the last few have often been declared brain-dead...
In 2001, Brooke Shields exchanged wedding vows with writer-producer Chris Henchy on Santa Catalina Island off the Southern California coast...
... She needed three dialogue coaches and 12 line prompts just to be able to deliver the words, "I do"...
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ON APRIL 5...
In 1909, Albert Romolo "Cubby" Broccoli, the producer of the James Bond films, was born. He died in 1996...
... James Bond will return -- Cubby won't.
... Expired Broccoli?
In 1858, Washington Atlee Burpee, founder of world's largest mail-order seed company, was born. He died in 1915…
... That's when they planted HIM.
In 1726, Declaration of Independence signer Benjamin Harrison was born...
... Just think -- if he wrote a little bigger we'd call a signature a Benjamin Harrison today.
In 1997, beat poet Allen Ginsberg died...
... He lost the beat.
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ON APRIL 6...
In 1930, Hostess Twinkies were invented by bakery executive James Dewar. About a billion Twinkies are eaten every year...
... I think they're selling some of the first ones at the 7-11 near me...
In 1954, Swanson & Sons unveiled the TV Dinner...
... But they weren't available in color until the sixties...
In 1991, former child actor Adam Rich arrested for breaking into a pharmacy...
... How many years did he get? Eight was enough...
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ON APRIL 7...
In 1915, Billie Holiday was born. She died on July 17, 1959...
... Now she's on a permanent holiday.
In 1933, Prohibition ended as Utah became the 38th state to ratify the 21st Amendment...
... They thought about it over a stiff drink and decided to ratify it.
In 1969, the U.S. Supreme Court unanimously struck down laws prohibiting private possession of obscene material...
... And a young Clarence Thomas decided that being a Supreme Court Justice would someday be the job for him.
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ON APRIL 8...
In 1918, former first lady and dependency clinic founder Betty Ford was born...
... Let's drink to her... oops, maybe that’s not such a good idea.
In 1988, the Rev. Jimmy Swaggart was defrocked as a minister of the Assemblies of God after he rejected an order from the church's national leaders to stop preaching for a year...
... It's ironic he was defrocked -- he paid a hooker to do the same thing.
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ON APRIL 9...
In 1926, Playboy magazine founder Hugh Marston Hefner was born...
... He’s finally reached an age where it’s okay to wear pajamas all day.
In 1932, Wild Kingdom TV host Jim Fowler was born...
... Doctors delivered the baby, then Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom naturalists shot him with a tranquilizer dart and tagged his ear.
In 1986, President Reagan described Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi as "the mad dog of the Middle East"...
... Mad dogs everywhere began complaining about his unthinking comparison...
In 1996, Dan Rostenkowski, the once-powerful House Ways and Means chairman, pleaded guilty to two mail fraud charges in a deal that brought with it a 17-month prison term.
... Sounds like they didn't like the ways and means he got the money...
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ON APRIL 10...
In 1952, Steven Seagal was born...
... How do you think it felt when HE kicked in the womb?
In 1950, "Lonesome" Dave Peverett, the late singer and songwriter in the bands Savoy Brown and Foghat, was born...
... If you toured with those bands you'd be lonesome, too...
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ON APRIL 11...
In 1935, songwriter Richard Berry, who wrote "Louie, Louie" was born. He died in 1997...
... "Whoa, no -- away he hadda' go... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..."
In 1906, Einstein revealed the Theory Of Relativity: E=mc squared...
... Pretty good, relatively speaking.
In 1986, Kellogg's of Battle Creek, MI stopped its 80-year tradition of tours of the breakfast food plant on this day, saying that company secrets were at risk with spies from other cereal manufacturers...
... Here's their secret: Take a corn flake, cover it with sugar. Sell it for a hundred times its manufacturing cost, and make a kid a diabetic before he's 5...
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ON APRIL 12...
In 1947, David Letterman was born...
... Born into this world screaming, with no hair or teeth and bad vision -- kind of like he is today...
In 1956, Alexander Briley of The Village People was born...
... Now that his career's over there is only one place he can afford to stay: "At the Y-M-C-A..."
In 1932, the late singer Tiny Tim was born...
... He used to "Tiptoe Through the Tulips," now he's buried under them...
In 1988, singer Sonny Bono was elected to his first political office, as mayor of Palm Springs, CA...
... He was always ahead in the polls then -- not skiing into them...
In 1994, Chesty Love, an exotic dancer, legally claimed her surgical breast implants as a business expense...
... Before that she paid a flat tax...
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ON APRIL 13...
In 1743, attorney, vice president, president, author, philanthropist, Declaration of Independence writer and University of Virgina founder Thomas Jefferson was born...
... Couldn't this guy hold a job...?
In 1937, Lanford Wilson, author of the award winning play "The Hot L Baltimore," was born...
... Some author -- he can’t even spell "hotel"...
In 1863, the Hospital for Ruptured and Crippled in New York is the first orthopedic hospital to open in the U.S...
... That's now what they call the locker room of the Knicks...
In 1992, Crystal Pepsi begins test marketing its clear soda in Providence, Denver & Dallas...
... I like to SEE the artificial colors, preservatives and carcinogens I'm drinking, thank you...
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ON APRIL 14...
In 1912, the supposedly unsinkable British liner, the RMS Titanic, sank after hitting an iceberg in the North Atlantic. 1500 people were killed...
... And it STILL got better reviews than Carnival Cruise Liners...
In 1865, President Lincoln and his wife Mary see the play "Our American Cousin" at Ford's Theater. At 10:13 p.m., during the third act of the play, John Wilkes Booth shot the president in the head. Doctors attended to the president in the theatre, then moved him to a house across the street. He never regained consciousness and died the following morning...
... Talk about a deadly third act...
... The play was so bad that Lincoln's dying words were, "Thank God"...
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ON APRIL 15...
In 1865, Abraham Lincoln died...
... He wasn't shot -- he saw what he owed in taxes and had a heart attack.
... If only his wife had listened -- he said, "I need a night at the theatre like I need a hole in the head..."
In 1992, Jay Leno made his final appearance as permanent guest host of the Tonight Show...
... To become the temporary permanent host.
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ON APRIL 16...
In 1889, Sir Charlie Chaplin was born. He died on Dec 25, 1977, at age 88...
... Now he’s REALLY a silent comedian.
In 1965, Martin Lawrence was born...
... He left the womb at 2 am, and would spend the next 40 years talking about trying to get back in.
In 1993, Fawn Hall & Danny Sugarman wed...
... Did Oliver North throw shredded documents instead of confetti...?
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ON APRIL 17...
In 1972, Keith Richards & Anita Pallenberg's daughter Dandelion was born...
... Now you know why Keith writes the music and Mick comes up with the words.
In 1993, a federal grand jury in Los Angeles convicted two former police officers, Stacey Koon and Laurence Powell of violating the civil rights of Rodney King after what they claimed was a 100 mph car chase...
... They should've each gotten another twenty years for trying to tell us a Hyundai went over 100 mph.
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ON APRIL 18...
In 1963, TV Talk Show Host and ex-writer for "The Simpsons" & "Saturday Night Live," Conan O'Brien was born...
... He ages another five years with every Nielsen report...
In 1934, the first coin-operated laundry (called a "washateria") opened by J.F. Cantrell in Fort Worth, Texas...
... It was really just a money laundering operation.
In 1963, the first human nerve transplant was performed by Dr. James Campbell...
... Someone finally had the nerve to do it.
In 1994, Roseanne Arnold filed for divorce from Tom Arnold...
... She finally decided to lose 250 pounds of needless fat.
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ON APRIL 19...
In 1903, Eliot Ness of "The Untouchables" was born. He died in 1957...
... And even in death he still showed more life than Kevin Costner did playing him...
In 1997, more than 50,000 residents abandoned Grand Forks, North Dakota, as the rising Red River overran sandbags...
... They were figuratively and LITERALLY in the red...
In 1992, a series of watercolors depicting members of the British royal family nude caused a stir with London's Fleet Street newspapers...
... Never display the royal jewels...
In 1997, Andre Agassi and Brooke Shields got married, but the match wouldn't last long...
... Andre was always better in singles than doubles...
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ON APRIL 20...
In 1972, ex-"Baywatch" star Tara Patrick -- we mean "Carmen Electra" -- was born...
... She could've stayed on "Baywatch" but she decided to start an acting career instead...
In 1976, "Gimme a Break" and "Blossom" star Joey Lawrence was born...
... Over 30 years old? Whoa!!!!
In 1942, actor Ryan O'Neal, Farrah Fawcett’s ex, was born. He starred in “Love Story," “Paper Moon" and "What's Up Doc"...
... In "Love Story" he says, "Love means never having to say you're sorry." Apparently Farrah disagreed...
In 1993, Uranus passed Neptune...
... That even hurts to SAY...
In 1999, master ventriloquist Senor Wences, the who delighted "Ed Sullivan Show" audiences by bantering in a comic Spanish accent with his puppet-in-a-box Pedro ("S'OK?" "S'awright!"), died at the age of 103…
... "S'not awright..."
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ON APRIL 21...
In 1983, former first lady Betty Ford, undergoing treatment at Long Beach Memorial Naval Hospital in California, disclosed in a statement that she was addicted to alcohol as well as a painkiller...
... You'd think that between her and Gerald the one on painkiller would be the one who falls down all the time...
In 1988, Tennessee Sen. Al Gore gave up his bid for the Democratic presidential nomination, telling his supporters, "There will be other days for me and for causes that matter to us." He was elected Vice President under President Clinton in 1992...
... In other words, those other days aren't here yet...
In 1836, an army of Texans led by Sam Houston defeated the Mexicans at San Jacinto, assuring the independence of Texas...
... And they celebrate today eating tacos and burritos, drinking Coronas, smashing pińatas...
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ON APRIL 22...
In 1923, pin-up queen Betty Page was born...
... She still poses -- those black bars just hang a lot lower.
In 1954, XXX-rated actress Marilyn Chambers was born...
... And they filmed her baby video, titled “Inside Marilyn Chambers’ Mom."
In 1950, Peter Frampton was born...
... It's getting harder and harder to "Come Alive" every morning...
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ON APRIL 23...
In 1940, Lee Majors was born...
... He's so old now he feels like the $60 man...
In 1992, McDonald's opened its first fast-food restaurant in the Chinese capital of Beijing...
... A half hour later you were McHungry again...
In 1985, the Coca-Cola Co. announced it was changing the secret flavor formula for coke, the world's best-selling soft drink. Adverse public reaction forced the company to resume selling the original version...
... New Coke -- wasn't that what those "Heaven's Gate" guys drank?
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ON APRIL 24...
In 1934, Shirley MacLaine was born. She's __...
... __ People, not years...
In 1942, Barbra Streisand was born...
... her lips are 2, her cheeks are 4, her eyes are six...
In 1888, Eastman Kodak was formed...
... This story is developing...
In 1981, "Heaven's Gate", edited from 219 minutes down to 153, reopened in theaters in the U.S.A. and bombed again...
... It died at the box office, setting an example for the cult to follow.
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ON APRIL 25...
In 1940, Al Pacino was born...
... It was a normal birth -- but every time he thought he was out, they kept drawing him back in...
In 1965, Carrot Top was born...
... They needed hot water and towels -- even then he needed props...
In 1928, the first guide dog for the blind, Buddy, started work. He was a German Shepherd and his owner was named Morris Frank...
... They tried guide cats but the owners kept ending up stuck in trees...
In 1982, Jane Fonda released her first Workout video...
... The only people who worked out to it were 15-year-old boys -- and they only worked out their wrists...
In 1999, it was reported that Woody Allen was a new papa with his 28-year-old wife, Soon-Yi Previn. The couple’s 5-month-old girl, Bechet (Bih-SHAY) Dumaine Allen, was named after the swing-era jazz clarinetist Sidney Bechet. Allen and Previn married Dec. 23, 1997, after Allen's falling out with Mia Farrow, his longtime lover and Previn's adoptive mother...
... Does the baby call him "papa" or "grand-papa"...?
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ON APRIL 26...
In 1900, seismologist Dr. Charles Francis Richter was born. He died in 1985...
... And is now six feet under measuring a 0.0 on the Richter scale...
In 1986, Arnold Schwarzenegger married Maria Shriver...
... "Take mt hand!!!!" (They re-dubbed his "I do" later.)
In 1989, Lucille Ball died at age seventy-seven...
... "Whaaaaaa!!!!!!!"
In 1998, former Miss America Elizabeth Ward Gracen told the New York Daily News she had a one-night stand with President Bill Clinton when he was governor of Arkansas, and had apologized to the first lady. "What I did was wrong, and I feel very, very bad about it now. My behavior was inappropriate - that's just the bottom line,'' she said of the alleged 1983 tryst, when she was 22 and married. "That's not the way a woman should treat a woman,'' she said...
... But you can see how she got that "Miss Congeniality" award...
In 1999, New York Gov. George Pataki proposed a series of steps he claimed would enhance safety for children in public schools...
... Step #1: Move out of New York...
In 1999, it was reported that Sinead O'Connor was ordained as the first woman priest in the Latin Tridentine Church, a Roman Catholic splinter group...
... To celebrate she ripped up a photo of herself...
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ON APRIL 27...
In 1994, Hud J. Mellencamp, son of Elaine & John Cougar Mellencamp, was born...
... Shouldn't that be Hud "Cougar Cub" Mellencamp...?
In 1822, Civil War Commander and 18th U.S. President Ulysses Simpson Grant was born. He died in 1885...
... Buried in SOMEBODY’S tomb, but I can’t remember whose...
In 1937, the nation's first Social Security checks were distributed...
... And one of these days the post office might actually deliver them...
In 1993, Dr. Death, Jack Kevorkian, lost his California medical license for practicing euthanasia...
... His clients still had a better survival rate than most HMO's...
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ON APRIL 28...
In 1950, Jay Leno was born...
... Live out of his mother's womb -- Jaaaaaay Leno!!!!!
In 1937, Saddam Hussein was born...
... Momma Hussein launched her scud baby at about 2 am...
In 1998, the Senate opened a new round of hearings on alleged abuse and mismanagement at the Internal Revenue Service...
... Notice that they waited until AFTER they had their tax refunds...
In 2007, the cremated remains of actor James Doohan, who portrayed engineer "Scotty" on "Star Trek," soared into suborbital space Saturday aboard a rocket. The flight was arranged by Houston-based Space Services Inc. The company charges $495 to send a portion of a person's ashes into space...
... The rest of his ashes will be used for his second wish -- to be placed in a missile and fired at William Shatner...
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ON APRIL 29...
Michelle Pfeiffer was born. She is 47...
... That's 7 and a half in cat woman years...
In 1988, McDonald's announced it would open its first restaurants in Moscow...
... McBorscht...?
In 1992, deadly rioting erupted in Los Angeles after a jury in Simi Valley, Calif., acquitted four white police officers of nearly all charges in the videotaped beating of black motorist Rodney King. A total of 53 people died in the 3 days of unrest. Over $1 billion in damages resulted in the rioting...
... "I'll loot L.A.!" (da-da-da-da-da, da-dad-da-da) "We'll loot it!!!"
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ON APRIL 30...
In 1789, George Washington was inaugurated as the first president...
... He must have gotten slivers from all that lying through his teeth during the campaign...
In 2000, Christina Aguilera performed at the Hawaiian-themed Greenbrier High School prom in Augusta, Georgia, after a freshman won Procter & Gamble's "Prom of Your Life" contest…
... I’ll bet every guy at the prom offered her a good lei...
In 2002, angry parents in San Diego, California, demanded the resignation of Rancho Bernardo High School vice principal Rita Wilson after she lifted the skirts of teenage girls at a dance to make sure they were wearing "appropriate" underwear...
... On the bright side, 90% of the boys in school now say they want to be a vice principal one day when surveyed about career goals...
... The school board wanted inappropriate SONGS restricted, Rita, not THONGS...
In 2003, the Montana cabin where convicted Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski lived during his deadly spree of bombings was ordered to be destroyed at his request...
... Couldn't he just mail an explosive there and save us the work...?
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