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Privacy Policy Hello, you may have seen us in various spots on this website, vacantly posing in the company T-shirts, looking bored and above it all, as if we were only there because the directors promised us Laker tickets. But we assure you, we are the brains—and the brawn—behind this entire operation. So heed our words. When Comedy On Tap's network of newsletters delivers advertisements to web surfers, we do not collect personally identifiable information such as name, address, social security number or e-mail address. We don't need to. We're hot. If we walked into a bar and asked you for your name, address, or social security number, you'd give it to us. Happily. You'd even give us your cash... your credit card... and you'd be grateful that we decided to bless you with the request. We could make you rob everybody in the bar and then give us all the stuff you got. And when you were arrested, you'd take the rap for everything just to protect us, and we'd never visit you in jail. But we don't want your name, address, social security number or e-mail address because we're hot and couldn't care less about your overextended credit line. I mean, you could offer us your piece of shit car, and we wouldn't take it. We repeat, we're hot. We don't need it. We can always make some middle-aged tax attorney divorce his wife and give us a Mercedes, or let some Eurotrash club-goer take us to lunch, borrow his Porsche and never bring it back. Besides, your car is gross and smells like sweatsocks, and we won't ride in it, ever. Not even if you wash it for the first time in three years. So no, we don't want your car, your money, your credit card, your social security card or (especially) your phone number. We do, however, collect what is known as click stream data. Click stream data includes information such as a web surfer's IP address, web pages which have been viewed by a web surfer, date and time, domain type, and when a web surfer has responded to an advertisement. We do collect information (voluntarily) about the web surfer through the registration process at our websites. Examples of the non-personally identifiable data that may be requested includes age, gender, interests and income-range. Neither the Click Stream Data nor the Provided Anonymous Data, by itself, or together, can be tracked to a specific individual. Web surfers may opt-out from providing such Non-Personally Identifiable Data by following the opt-out procedures set forth in our publications and web sites. The Non-Personally Identifiable Data that Comedy On Tap collects is used for internal marketing and sales efforts to better target advertisements and other content to web surfers in an effort to create a personally relevant internet experience for each web surfer. The data is also used to predict behavioral responses to advertisements, to help determine which ads perform best and which content is most appropriate for different web surfers. Comedy On Tap does not use any personally-identifiable data about a web surfer for targeting or tracking purposes without first receiving the web surfer's consent. Comedy On Tap will never request or collect data from a web surfer on subject areas including sexual orientation, political or religious affiliations, or medical data. What's the matter, now? Why are you crying? You don't think we care about you? You think we're only tracking you for your money? Now come on, if you keep obsessing about this, then you'll start crying, and then we'll start to laugh, which will only make you madder and then it becomes that thing again. So put on your big-boy pants and read the rest of our Privacy Policy. Mmm-kay? Would it make you feel better if we let you give us something? What is that? It's not money? A drawing of us holding hands? Yes, it's very nice. Just put it over there in that special memory box, where we will treasure it... no, it's not a trash can. It's a memory box, though it is shaped like a trash can. Anyway, feel better now? Good. Let's continue. Keep reading this Privacy Policy while we empty the special memory box into the bigger special memory receptacle in the garage... All personally identifiable data provided by individual web surfers will be kept in strict confidence by Comedy On Tap and will be treated with the same level of respect and care that Comedy On Tap treats its other proprietary information and trade secrets. Comedy On Tap makes every effort to maintain the security of its network and the data we collect. Any data that is stored on Comedy On Tap's server is treated as proprietary and confidential and is not available to the public. It is not because we are seeing other subscribers behind your back and don't want it getting around. It is simply because we value your privacy. Comedy On Tap has a strict internal security policy with respect to the confidentiality of customer and other data, limiting access only to those employees who have a need to know such information for the purpose of effectively delivering Comedy On Tap products and services. Comedy on Tap promises not to take all of your money and sleep with your friends behind your back... although if that did ever happen, it was not because they were cute or anything, it's just because we were really mad at you, then... so when you think about it, it was really all your fault. Comedy On Tap is very sensitive to the issue of children's privacy and makes every effort to protect the privacy of children surfing the web. Comedy On Tap's web sites, products, and services are not developed for or directed at children. One last thing: Beyond click stream data, our computers are able to pool all relevant info from your IP and determine your penis size—and we are definitely not interested.
Contacting Us For more information or if you have questions or concerns regarding Comedy On Tap's Privacy Statement, please send an e-mail to: or you can send correspondence, money, car keys, and an explanation of why penis size really doesn't matter to the following address:
The Comedy On Tap Entertainment Network  |
