Grant Hill always said Joe Dumars was like a dad to him. He grew up idolizing Dumars on the Detroit Pistons because of his class and All-Star play. Then six years ago, the Pistons drafted Hill as the third player in the draft. Dumars became Hill's mentor. After a couple of years, Dumars officially called the Pistons Hill's team—like a father handing down the family business to a beloved son. Hill bought a house nextdoor to Dumars in Michigan. Dumars finally retired in 1999. And then in June of 2000, Dumars was put in charge of the entire organization.

Dumars' first job: to re-sign Hill. Dumars expressed every confidence that Hill would be coming back to the Pistons.

Last season, Hill averaged 25.8 points per game, third-best in the NBA. He averaged 6.6 rebounds and 5.2 assists. He and Tim Duncan were considered the most prized free agents on the market.

The Pistons had hoped they could keep Hill by promoting Dumars ("dad") last month and by their ability to make Hill a larger offer than other teams could—$115 million over eight years.

The only thing that worried Dumars was the rumor that Hill could go to San Antonio to play with Tim Duncan. They were friends and shared the same lawyer, who negotiated all their deals. The Pistons worried that the idea of playing beside Duncan could be too strong for Hill—and for Hill's lawyer.

According to The Sporting News, Grant Hill told Dumars three times over the preceding few months that he would re-sign with the Detroit Pistons.

Still, Dumars warned him that after July first, when other teams were allowed to approach free agents, there would be suitors filling his head with flowery promises and impossible riches. But the Pistons could offer Grant $47 million more than any other team, thanks to NBA salary cap scales. The best another team could offer him was a six-year deal worth $67 million. The Pistons, however, could offer a seven-year deal worth $82 million. And he could work with his mentor, Dumars, to create a serious NBA contender. Grant said he understood.

While July first was the first day free agents could negotiate with teams, no contracts could be signed until August 1. Practically every team in the league was ready to offer Hill anything that he wanted during that month.

Dumars counted on intense bidding for his star player. He counted on lying; on cheating... but he never counted on AMWAY.

"[AMWAY founders] Jan Vanndel and Rich DeVos face criminal charges brought by the Canadian government which accuses Amway of defrauding Canada of more than 28 million dollars in import duties. Amway's reply, says Rich DeVos: 'We don't think they have a case. In no way whatsoever are we crooked.'" —Mike Wallace on Sixty Minutes, 1982.

STEP #1—SLEEP DEPRIVATION: On 12:01 AM on July first, the phone rang in the Hill household. It was the Orlando Magic, owned by Amway leader Rich DeVos. A jet was waiting to take him to Orlando. Tim Duncan would be there, too.

Saturday morning, Hill arrived at Orlando International Airport almost simultaneously with Tim Duncan. Hill arrived on crutches, still nursing a broken left foot (the painkillers making him more susceptble to mind control tactics). Although the NBA prohibited the Magic from using private jets to deliver the free agents to Orlando, there was a limousine awaiting each on the tarmac to start their tour.

So you STILL call me crazy?!? I'm just getting started here! By the end of this column, when I have presented ALL of my incontrovertible evidence, you will have NO CHOICE but to admit that Grant Hill is being held CAPTIVE! He is IMPRISONED by an EVIL EMPIRE that has sold him on a disastrous PYRAMID SCHEME to win an NBA championship! Don't believe me, you rubes? Suckers? Just read on!

"Big Brothers are watching you" (paraphrased from 1984)

STEP #2—MIND CONTROL/THE POWER OF SUGGESTION: Hill and his wife Tamia stepped off the plane to see giant banners on the walls around them. The banners showed Hill and Duncan wearing Magic uniforms. They said "IMAGINE." The message was everywhere: On the Magic's private airport hangar—"Imagine." At the team's practice facility, plastered across the gymnasium wall—"Imagine." And another 500 times during their tour because every Magic employee and every person working out at the RDV Sportsplex on Saturday—even the children in the baby-sitting room—was wearing the image on a T-shirt. "Imagine... Imagine... Imagine." Like a hypnotic spell, the word was reprinted everywhere. Hill had been up since midnight the night before. He stared at the word, over and over, as if in a trance. The mind-control tactics were better than those in The Manchurian Candidate.

Duncan and Hill were immediately taken by limo across the airport grounds to the Magic's private hangar, where Magic owner Rich DeVos was awaiting, proudly showing them the Magic's posh team plane. "Imagine..."

Amway founder DeVos told Hill and Duncan that if they joined the Magic, they could recruit their friends (an Amway doctrine), and that riches and championships would follow. "Imagine..."

"Amway is not a pyramid, an FTC judge ruled in 1979. But some of it's independent distributors apparently have turned their groups into pyramid-like operations. Known as "black hats," these middlemen push their recruits to consume Amway goods, skip the retailing and buy large amounts of non-Amway peripherals (tapes, books, suits, jewels and even tickets to motivational rallies.)"—Forbes, 3/25/85

STEP #3—CONTROL FOOD; CONTROL ENVIRONMENT: The players then toured the Magic facilities and the Sportsplex with Magic General Manager John Gabriel, Chief Operating Officer John Weisbrod and coach Doc Rivers. The players were housed in penthouse suites, wined and dined at a Disney-area restaurant and given a VIP tour of Epcot. "Imagine..."

On Sunday, they spent the day looking at real estate in the Isleworth area and attended a Magic cookout. They told Hill he could move away from the mansion near the home of Joe Dumars to live next to Tiger Woods. "Imagine..."

Hill was due back on Monday. But Hill missed his flight. Why? Dumars couldn't imagine...

STEP #4—ISOLATION/CONTEMPLATION: Dumars waited patiently for Hill's return, ready to offer him whatever he wanted. But Hill didn't return. Grant bypassed his flight home to Detroit on Monday afternoon so he and his wife could house-hunt in Central Florida.

On Tuesday Hill finally flew home, reading Hope from my Heart—10 Lessons for Life, written by Amway founder Rich DeVos, the Magic's owner, while sitting in first class. Also on the plane was Detroit News reporter Bob Wojnowski. Hill told him that he now intended to play for the Magic. Whether Duncan was going to sign with him or not didn't matter anymore.

YOU SEE???? DO YOU GRASP WHAT HAPPENED HERE??? THE MAN IS HYPNOTIZED!!! COME HOME GRANT!!! YOUR DADDY JOE DUMARS IS WORRIED!!! HE MISSES YOU!!! While we wait for Grant, I might as well have one of these tasty 'Rice Crispy Treats' here... Mmmmm! Delicious! Think I'll have another... ANYWAY, YOU SHOULD BE CALLING THIS GROUP "SCAMWAY", NOT "AMWAY", BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT... Okay, okay, I'll calm down. Release the caps lock, Jeff... let go of the keyboard, have another treat... Mmmm! Just one more of these delicious treats while I wait for you to finish...

"We're charging them [Amway] with deceptive business practices, because of the use of those hypotheticals. Because they so vary from what we feel is REALITY." —Bruce Craig, assistance Attorney General from the state of Wisconsin, on Sixty Minutes in 1982.

The Spurs, Knicks, Net, Bulls and Heat all sent representatives to talk to Hill over the next two days, but he showed no interest in any other team, whether they were title contenders, had as much salary to offer as the Magic, or in the case of the Spurs, actually HAD Tim Duncan, who Grant had originally declared was the only player he'd leave the Pistons for. I mean, COME ON! Isn't it obvious what happened here? The guy is completely... okay, I'll shut up and let you read...

STEP #5—AVOID INTERVENTIONS: Meanwhile, Joe Dumars rescheduled his travel plans to Wimbledon, waiting two days to meet with Hill and try to persuade him to stay in Detroit. But Dumars left his office on Thursday afternoon still without hearing one word from Hill since the previous Friday.

Finally, late Thursday night. Dumars' phone rang. It was Grant Hill. Hill lived just down the street from Joe and could have walked over, but he felt it was better to deliver the news over the phone.

He was not going to stay a Piston, as he had promised Joe before. He was going to be with his new family in Orlando.

There would be no interventions, no tearful family reunions. Like a new religious recruit, Grant Hill was leaving to join his new family. Whether he tried to sell Dumars the book by DeVos is not known.

Hill told WDFN in Detroit on Friday that he handled some things badly, and it was in the NBA's best interest to close salary cap loopholes that allow players like him to move so freely from team to team, because it hurts competition, it hurts the small markets, and it hurts the fans.

Preach on, brother. And how bad will the team of his former mentor/father Joe Dumars be next year? You can just "imagine..."

You see??? He took less money, a less-talented teaaaammm... all forrrr delliciousss RRRRice..... hey, these Rice Crispy Treats make my fingers sticky, so I can't type.... Tryyyyyyyyyying.... help.... must... give in... must... have another delicious Rice Crisy treat... fingers stuck... head feels fuzzy... remove aluminum foil cap...

Hi!, I'm back. I feel much better now. I have washed my hands... I have washed my hands of the marshmallow from the delicious and drug-free Rice Crispy treat... and of THE DETROIT PISTONS!!! I feel much better. Much calmer. I have come to realize that Amway is NOT a pyramid scheme. It is a direct selling organization where IBOs make money through the sale of products. Pyramid schemes, by contrast, have nothing to do with real commercial activity. They are a form of financial fraud that is based on recruiting new people to make investments that are then used to pay the people who joined earlier. Amway is based on SALES, not RECRUITING. Amway IBOs don't make any money by bringing more people in—Amway sets aside a portion of the product cost for you as a "bonus," that is shared by IBOs who work together in SALES GROUPS, according to their contracts with Amway. It's a triangle shaped design, but not a PYRAMID... kind of a QUADRANGLE, maybe... would you like to join our quadrangle... have a Rice Crispy Treat and watch a Magic game with me... delicious Rice Crispy treat..."

BOOKS TO COMBAT CULTISM If you have a "Grant Hill" in your life who is easily manipulated by Amway sales pitches, resists intervention, and is contemplating a trip to the swamp-filled, insect-ridden city of Orlando, review these sources: Combatting Cult Mind Control, by Steven Hassan, published by Park Street Press, ISBN #0-89281-311-3. Hassan holds a master's degree in counseling psychology from Cambridge and has been involved in cult education and "exit counseling" for 14 years. Cults in Our Midst, by Margaret Singer, Ph.D., published by Jossey-Bass, ISBN #0-7879-0266-7. Singer is a psychologist and adjunct professor at UC Berkeley. She is probably one of the foremost authorities in the world on cultism and mind control. Both books offer lists of additional resources and organizations.

7/7/2000

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Poor Sports Archive

Jeffrey C. Hause has written professionally (in a very amateur fashion) for entertainers like Jay Leno, Jim Carrey, Rodney Dangerfield, Gabe Kaplan, Rick Dees and people he'd rather not tell you about. He's also written screenplays at Warner Brothers, Disney, Universal, Columbia, Franchise Pictures, the Samuel Goldwyn Co., and Interscope. Here's his résumé. E-mail: jeff@sportshollywood.com.