STACKED: Mavericks star Jerry Stackhouse preparing for the intense physical contact of a finals series, and the hard banging down low...
NBA FINALS DUMB QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
SMARTER THAN THE AVERAGE BEAR; DUMBER THAN THE AVERAGE FORWARD: Among the motivational tools Miami Heat Coach Pat Riley used during the Detroit series was a Yogi Berra quote he taped to each player's locker. Power forward Udonis Haslem misunderstood. "He gave us a Yogi Bear quote,'' Haslem told reporters in South Florida. "I can't remember what it was, but he said it was something from Yogi Bear. To be honest, I don't even know too much about Yogi Bear. How old is that cartoon? I know a little about it, but not much."
PERFECT CASTING: The statue from Sylvester Stallone's film "Rocky III" is on sale at Ebay for $3 million, as a fund-raiser for a non-profit corporation called the International Institute for Sport and Olympic History (IISOH). A bust of the statue is also on sale for $22,000...
...It's pretty lifelikewell, more lifelike than Stallone, nowadays...
...The critics called it cold, heavy and lifeless.... No wait, that was a review of Stallone's performance...
(Click on logo to see Ebay page)
"How messed up is this country when the most popular rapper is white and the most popular golfer is black?"
Tiger Woods earned a three-stroke victory at the Johnnie Walker Classic with his third consecutive 7-under-par 65 for a 25-under 263...
... Not to be outdone, John Daly drank 65 shots of Johnnie Walker at the 19th hole...
Odds that Jack Nicklaus will regain his stroke and win the Masters: 500/1 (Source: The Regent, Las Vegas)
Odds that Jack Nicklaus will have a stroke: 598/1 (Source: The Stroke Center)
Odds that Jack Nicklaus will catch fire and win the British Open: 1000-1 (Source: The Regent Sports Book, Las Vegas)
Odds that Jack Nicklaus will catch fire and burn to death: 932-1 (Source: National Safety Council Statistics)
Film Threat reviews SportsHollywood: Once again, the mainstream media has felt compelled to write about us. And this time we didn't even bribe anybody...
He starts crying every time you say the word "trade."
Thinks it's against nature to be "in bed" with an International broker.
Prefers "KKK" rating to "AAA" rating.
Threatens to kick your ass for even suggesting that you diversify.
The only way to get him to let you invest in China is to convince him you're talking about Franklin Mint commemorative Elvis plates.
All your money ends up in NASCAR, not NASDAQ.
He puts all your money in "Yahoo!" because there aren't any stocks called "Redneck!" or "Stupid Cracker!"
Thinks "covering your shorts" is something you do in Greenwich Village.
When Wall Street has a rally, he shows up in a white hood.
OFF HIS ROCKER: John Rocker reported to the Richmond Braves after considering whether to walk away from baseball altogether. And how would he make a living? "I would be a stockbroker, probably," he told WKLS-FM's morning show. Rocker was sent down to the minors one day after he threatened the reporter who wrote the story in which the Atlanta reliever disparaged gays, minorities and foreigners. Braves officials insisted Rocker's demotion was unrelated to the confrontation. (Of course, these are the guys who insist their toothy, red-skinned, mascot with a feather on its head is not a stereotype). So how can you tell if Rocker is your stockbroker? Let's take a look...
Tennis champion Pete Sampras and actress Brigette Wilson are still on their honeymoon in an undisclosed location as of Wednesday night...
... If they get divorced, you think it will be in grass or clay court?
KNIFING THROUGH THE OFFENSE: Ray Lewis will not play in the Baltimore Ravens' final five games and will undergo season-ending surgery...
... How ironicfinally it's RAY who'll go under the knife...
Patrick Ewing has offered to donate one of his kidneys to Alonzo Mourning if he ever needs a transplant...
...Expect the kidney to fail just after the first round of the playoffs.
JOKE OF THE WEEK
An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in San Diego and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a Chargers fan.
She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Charger fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Jessica, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Chargers fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Chargers fan, then who do you support?"
I'm a 49ers fan, and proud of it," Jessica replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Jessica, why are you a 49ers fan?" "Because my Mom and Dad are from the Bay Area and my Mom is a 49ers fan and my dad is a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers fan too."
"Well, said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, that's no reason for you to be a 49ers fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your Mom was a prostitute and your Dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"
Jessica said, "Then I'd be a Raiders fan."
Just one day after being criticized for wringing the neck of a pheasant that had been shot while hunting, Britain's Queen Elizabeth went to church Sunday wearing pheasant feathers in her hat...
... I'd hate to see what she wears after executing a person...
Ed Marinaro's Super Sunday Recap
"Any little difference or problem at the time of the biggest game of anyone's career can adversely affect any team, especially one like the Raiders that focuses on the offense as its main weapon."
Betty Okino's Olympic Film Reviews
SportsHollywood asked Olympic medalist and actress Betty Okino to review sports films. Like a gymnastics routine, each film begins with a score of 9.50...
A VIEW FROM THE PLAYING FIELD: Ron Shelton ("Bull Durham," "White Men Can't Jump") and Robert Wuhl ("Arliss") take on slumpbusters, Gary Cooper's Lou Gehrig, athletic actors, acting athletes, and a player to be named later. Interview By Randy Williams.
Shooting the Bull
On November 21, 1987, Bobby Knight was ejected from an exhibition basketball game against the touring Soviet National team; Bobby took his team with him, ending the game with 15:05 remaining and his Hoosiers trailing 66-43.
On November 28, 1986, NBC's Ahmad Rashad heard the acceptance of his marriage proposal from Phylicia Ayers-Allen during halftime of the Detroit Lions-New York Jets football game...
... Meanwhile his future father-in-law was lined up in a shotgun formation...
On November 28, 1989, Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci landed in New York after escaping her homeland by way of Hungary...
... Don't ask what the Romanian judge gave THAT landing...
San Jose Sharks radio broadcaster Dan Rusanowsky suffered a broken leg, a fractured pelvis, a ruptured diaphragm and a severe concussion following a two-car accident near San Jose Arena. Rusanowsky is listed in critical but stable condition...
... Team doctors taped it up and told him to get back out and continue in the game...
A co-defendant in the shooting of Rae Carruth's pregnant girlfriend testified last week that ex-NFL player Carruth asked him to find a getaway car and gave him one hundred dollars to buy a gun...
... Rae's explanation? "I was merely discussing the run-and-shoot..."
The best quotes from Sky TV's rugby man, the ubiquitous Murray Mexted:
"You don't like to see hookers going down on players like that."
"He's looking for some meaningful penetration into the backline."
"Spencer's running across field calling out, 'come inside me, come inside me.'"
"I can tell you it's a magnificent sensation when the gap opens up like that and you just burst right through."
"I don't like this new law, because your first instinct when you see a man on the ground is to go down on him"
"Darryl Gibson has been quite magnificent coming inside Andrew Mehrtens, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of the same today."
"There's nothing that a tight forward likes more than a loosie right up his backside"
"Everybody knows that I have been pumping Martin Leslie for a couple of seasons now."
The Dumbest Sports Quotes of All Time: