Well, he's finally driven me to it. For months--years--while scrounging around for column ideas, I had avoided writing about O.J. Simpson. He had just become too distressing (and depressing) of a topic.
Simpson was acquitted of criminal charges in the 1994 murders of his wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ronald Goldman. However, he was found liable for their deaths in a subsequent civil trial and was ordered to pay the victims' families $33.5 million--most of which the families will never see, while O.J. still lives like a millionaire.
In the mid-nineties I made good money off Simpson. I sold O.J. jokes to Jay Leno, Rick Dees, fat conservative radio hosts, and a myriad of other people: "A cutting, slashing back." "Don't stick your neck out for O.J." All of that stuff.
I have to admit that I lost some sleep because of it—I felt kind of slimy for writing jokes about a homicide. Then again, what else was there to do but laugh about the cruelty and injustice of it? The justice system had failed. A murderer was signing autographs at celebrity golf tournaments while claiming he was looking "for the real killer." Notice that there aren't any mirrors on the golf course. But I tried to ignore him. O.J. humor had gone the way of Bobbitt jokes, and I was sleeping better again.
1999's "POOR SPORT OF THE YEAR"
John Rocker, who likes to strike out the side just to see 3 K's in the box score.. |
Now O.J. has reappeared. He's "turning on the juice" aty right about the time we had all assumed they would be turning the juice on him in the electric chair.
First it was announced that actor Ving Rhames, who appeared in 'Mission: Impossible 2,' and 'Don King: Only In America', had committed to play Johnnie Cochran in 'American Tragedy,' a CBS miniseries based on the Simpson criminal trial. (As they say, "If the glove does not fit, it'll be a TV hit!!!") Now comes the real challenge—they have to find an actor who's bad enough to play OJ. Anybody who has seen OJ act in films knows that this is not an easy task. It'll be the first time an actor is not supposed to give a convincing performance.
Then on June 8th, during a Fox News Channel discussion, O.J. called in on live TV and accused panel guest and ex-sister-in-law Denise Brown of being the only one who had profited from the trial. (You got away with murder in that trial, O.J.--you don't call that "profiting?")
"I avoid the media as much as I can," said Simpson—and then quickly promoted an upcoming appearance to talk to the public through the Internet on publiccrossing.com.
And then he told her: "We didn't get along because Nicole was afraid you were going to have sex with me." (At least he didn't say she lost her head over him. One sister is enough... Jesus, I'm doing it again.)
"Please," Denise replied. "Your ego is riding a little bit too high ... Simpson, you're a pig." The most shocking thing about her reply was that she only called him a pig. Maybe I should've written material for her instead of Leno.
Now, I'm not going to even bother arguing with the thesis that siblings of spousal abuse victims find the batterers madly attractive. My question is: Does O.J. think he's sexually appealing? He's the one who portrayed himself as old, arthritic and broke in the trial—does he think that's a big turn-on, or does he just assume that everybody knows it was bullshit?
"POOR SPORT OF THE CENTURY"Ty Cobb, whose spikes were a lot sharper than his social skills. At least O.J. waited until after his career was over to kill somebody. Cobb did it right before playing in a game--and then bragged about it. |
Anyway, it's been half a decade since the murders, and it still can cause instant arguments between the best of friends. Some well-meaning person will try to justify the injustice by saying: "It proves we have equality—an African-American male would have been lynched 50 years ago without a trial. Now an African-American male can stand trial and be declared innocent." (Not entirely true: a RICH African-American man can be declared not guilty. There's an important difference. Maybe the equality should come from all guilty men being convicted, despite their wealth or race. Now that would be equal justice.)
Nobody has learned a thing: African Americans still are convicted for crimes they didn't commit; battered wives still hide the truth until they meet the same fate as Nicole. Equality is just as elusive as it was in 1995.
You want to know the day that there will be true equality? When people of all nations, races and creeds can join hands in mutual caring, love and respect and say: "Fry in Hell, OJ, you wife-murdering piece of shit."
There. I've said my O.J. piece. Let's never talk about him again until that day arrives.
(Written 6/12/2000 - "Unhappy Anniversary!")
Okay - Here's My Friggin' O.J. Column
