For over a week now, night after night, I've sat down and watched the Olympics. As I stated last week, I'm a fan of the Games. I've cheered for the Americans, as usual we're kicking ass, and I've cheered for the underdogs. I've yelled for the half blind runners, the deaf swimmers and the athletes who've lost their whole family and had to sleep in a car. I cheered for the wrestler from Wyoming who beat wrestling's equivalent to Michael Jordan. Alexander Karelin had never lost in 13 years of international Greco-Roman competition. He hadn't been scored upon in a decade. But the feared Russian heavyweight is not a four-time Olympic champion -- American Rulon Gardner's stunning 1-0 Gold medal win Wednesday so mystified Karelin that he gave up with eight seconds left. Gardner had not finished higher than fifth in international meets. I stood up and clapped my hands for Cathy Freeman who is at the games representing not only a country but also an entire impoverished race.
But there are still a few things that I find puzzling.
When I was a kid the Olympics seemed to be pretty much just the basics, running around, throwing stuff, kicking stuff, spinning and flipping and lifting crap. Well it now seems that there are a whole new bunch of events. I know some of these things have been in the Games for a while but I guess I just now realized it. They seem more like backyard events at BBQ's rather than worldwide, internationally recognized Olympic sports. Now hang on to your seats because these highly rigorous events are quite strenuous and could be very taxing on the body. Also, remember these athletes have trained all their lives to compete at this level. No longer should you try this at home!
Badminton: When I think of this sport I think of little kids or very old people. There is no ball for this silly game; the thing you hit is called a birdie. At best this is poor mans tennis.
Field Hockey: The only people I've ever seen play this are prep school girls who live somewhere on the East coast. "Millie you've thrown mud on my plaid skirt." "Yes, well you hit me in the shin you big silly!" It's cold back East right? Either wait a little longer in the year when it snows to start your season or go find an ice rink. There is only one way to play this, it's called, simply, hockey!
Table Tennis: Ping-pong, are you kidding me? This truly is a home-motivated sport; it's a basement sport. The only person I want to see play this game in front of a crowd is Forrest Gump.
Kayak/Canoe: I don't about know these two. Are they difficult? Yes. Is it a skill? Yes, but is everything that has a high skill level have to be a medal event. Tell me where the average kid can get a kayak and start training. Not in my old neighborhood.
Equestrian: Last week I talked about my confusion over any event that involves a horse. Aren't the Olympics about personal triumphs or victories with a team, someone human? Doesn't the horse do at least half the work? If we have these events, why not horse racing? If one of these equestrian riders deserves a medal why doesn't a jockey get a chance at one too? Plus then we could gamble! I would like to see these events stay in the Games but how about a few modifications? How about if instead of the horse carrying the rider, the rider will carry the horse? They can then run around the field, jump the hurdles and whoever crosses the finish line first, or survives, gets the medal.
Shooting: This week some of the Hollywood heavy hitters went in front of Congress and were grilled about violence in films and why the movie industry targeted the violence to teens. But yet in the Olympics if you shoot a gun you get a medal. I live in Los Angeles; I'm surrounded by medalists!
Fencing: What the hell is this?! Do you know anyone who fences? Does anyone know why it's called fencing? Like the commercial says, "Fencing is pretty popular, just not in this neighborhood." Hey pal, not in any neighborhood!
Synchronized Swimming and Diving: Why do we need to see the same thing more than once at the same time? These to me are two of the more ridiculous events. I don't get this at all. Someone please explain this to me! First we had the women's synchronized swimming, then synchronized men's swimming (Ugh!) and now synchronized diving. What's next -- synchronized baseball? How about synchronized track? Hey how about synchronized kayaking?
Trampoline: Finally the biggie. This has got to be the dumbest of all the Olympic events. This truly is something that is done in the backyard. It's a circus event not a medal event. The contestants who will be leaping up to 20-meters (65 feet) in the air prefer to be called bouncers to trampolinists. They hide from the name of their own sport, even they can't figure out what the hell they are doing there. It was not recognized as an international sport until 1964. It only staged its first world championships in 1967.
The sport was slow to take off because it was associated with children crashing to the ground in backyards across North America, breaking bones and spraining joints.
But a competition manual put together in 1942, along with improved equipment, has slowly increased its popularity, particularly in Eastern Europe. Four-time world champion Alexandre Moskalenko of Russia, who ended his three-year retirement to compete in the Olympics, took the gold. He retired for three years? What did he do, not attend BBQ's and birthday parties? Did he stop hanging out with the little neighborhood kids?
It's not a sport, it's not, it's not, it's not!!!
I can't wait to see what little kid games are going to be future events in the Olympics: "Red Rover, Red Rover, send Germany right over!" ... "Next up is Japan and the United States in the Gold medal round of Ding Dong Ditch." ... "Please rise for the playing of the national anthem for Freddie Dipshit, the Gold medalist in Hide and Seek."
The way kids are playing more with computers and the Internet, a whole new crop of indoor games could come into play: Dungeons and Dragons, Doom and anything on Playstation could be medal events.
One last thing, everyone is so worried about being as sleek as possible in their new little shiny suits. They wear them in swimming where the sports purists will argue the records set in Sydney for years. They wear them on the track in the running events. The whole reason for these get ups is to make the athletes more streamlined, more aerodynamic, to cut down on the drag. If that's the case then why do so many of them still wear all the Gold chains, watches and earrings?
I feel better now!
9/28/2000
Is It Time for the Next Millenium Games, Yet?
By Phardoe...
Burned out? |
Every two years we all join together as one happy little world and celebrate the same thing: the Olympics.
Since the whole, "Let's re-shuffle the summer and winter games to rotate to every two years instead of every four so we can make more money faster" thing happened, we get one or the other every twenty four months. NBC has been advertising the Olympics for what seems like forever. They've had that little Olympic bug on the lower corner of my tube for so long I thought it was permanent. They had advertisements that were like, "Don't forget. Only 445 more days to the opening ceremonies begin." I haven't planned anything that far in advance in my entire life!
More than 10,300 athletes from more than 200 countries will participate in the Sydney 2000 Olympic Games, accompanied by 5000 officials and watched by 15,000 media representatives. The Sydney 2000 Games will be the largest and most elaborate ever staged. Well with all that attention I'm bound to spot a few things.
The opening ceremonies were pretty good. The little girl was awesome, for a little kid, and the whole authentic Australian native drum dancing thing was pretty cool. I sat through almost the entire 200 plus countries entering the stadium. I couldn't believe how many damn people there were. It was amazing how some countries had over six hundred athletes competing and some had like two. Two? Of all the useless sports in the games all you can come up with is two athletes? Those are some countries of shitty athletes. Not many playground, childhood games going on there. "Red rover, red rover send…..oh forget it, we all suck!"
I also couldn't help but to notice that all of the outfits were freaking ugly. What the hell happened? It's the biggest sporting event of their lives and they were all dressed like Madonna going to a party at Cher's house! Stripes and plaids, way too many pastels and several just flat out ugly ass get ups. I think they all used the same designer, Helen Keller.
Then came the torch. I thought that thing was never going to get there. I've never seen so many people try to kidnap an object. About every two weeks some jackass tried to jump the guy or girl carrying it and steal the fire. They never got it, nice planning. How hard could it have been, you have the element of surprise? I could have got it, I had the opportunity; it came right down my street.
Well it finally made it to the stadium. The big surprise was about to be unveiled, who was going to light the Olympic torch? It was handed off several times by seven Australian women Olympians who then turned it over to the final mystery torchbearer, Cathy Freeman, the world champion sprinter. Freeman, an Aborigine has come to symbolize the struggle of the Australian natives.
Everything was going as planned in a fantastic display of fire and water when the damn cauldron that was to lift the Olympic flame high above the stadium stalled for three heart-stopping minutes before engineers fixed it. As they cut back to a shot of the seven women huddled together looking confused I thought for sure one of them was going to say, "WWWaaaaassssssssuuuuuuuppppppp?!"
I've actually watched more than I thought I would. I've watched a lot of swimming. I'm pulling for Kaitlin Sandeno because of a "six degrees of separation" kind of thing. I find it absolutely amazing that Australia's Ian Thorpe has reached Michael Jordan type status in his home country. I'll bet the average American couldn't have named one U.S. swimmer two weeks ago. Thorpe could have walked through Times Square and never been spotted.
I also found it absolutely amazing that someone would name their kid Misty Hyman. It's a built-in porno name. I wonder if that's her real name or if that's her "street you live on" porn name. You know, her middle name is Misty and the street she lives on is Hyman. God I hope so. Although I hate Berman he could have a field day with this one, Misty "I lost my" Hyman, Misty "I popped my" Hyman, "I get" Misty "when I think about my" Hyman or the fan favorite, "I have a" Misty Hyman.
Hey whatever, God bless her, she won an Olympic Gold medal!
Did you see the swimmer who swam by himself? He was placed in a heat with two other slow cats and when they false started he ended up swimming in the 100m freestyle trials alone. Eric Moussambani of Equatorial Guinea, had never swam more than twenty yards before and that was in a hotel pool. The underwater cameras showed that he was so tired he wasn't even kicking; his legs took some time off. Well he finished his heat at a whopping time of 1:52.72, Pieter van den Hoogenband of the Netherlands; gold medal winning time was 48.30. Moussambani's finishing time was over a minute longer than van den Hoogenband's, but he never quit. How's that for Olympic spirit? After his stunning feat the media nicknamed him, "Eric the Eel." I would love to see those two race each other. Not because of the fastest meets the slowest thing, but because I think it would be great to see a match between Moussambani of Equatorial Guinea and van den Hoogenband of the Netherlands. Say that one time slow!
I watched a lot of the gymnastics too. I still can't figure out how they know where the hell they are when they're flipping all over the place. Whenever I tried that stuff it was usually followed by pain.
Their body control is remarkable. Most of the time, to me, they looked like Beavis falling out of the back of a truck in the "Beavis and Butthead" movie or like they had just been randomly fired out of a circus cannon and then they somehow manage to pull it all together and stick the landing. They knew where they were the whole time. I'm glad one of us did!
The guys are amazing because they're all ripped and the girls are amazing….because, well…every guy wants to date a gymnast!
A couple of smaller observations, first, I don't get that Synchronized swimming thing at all. How does it not become SINK-ronized swimming? Is this really a sport?
Aren't the Olympics about personal triumphs or victories with a team, someone human? If that's the case why are there equestrian events? Doesn't the horse do at least half the work, if not more?
Why do they always play the most boring versions of the national anthems? Why not have a contest in each country between the native musicians and let them record a version that will be played for everyone in that country? For example, for the United States we could have that sappy Whitney Houston one from the Super Bowl or Limp Bizket could do a new one. Germany could use the Scorpions. Canada could use Bryan Adams. Australia could use Men at Work and England could use the Stones! It could work.
And a message to Tommy Lasorda, please shut up!
Through it all though, I have to tell you, I dig the Olympics! It's the highest platform for an athlete. Even the guys who play in the NBA say that winning an Olympic gold medal is one of the highlights of their careers. I've held Mack Robinson's silver medal from the Berlin games in my hands, he is Jackie's brother and placed second to Jesse Owens in the 100m, it was a powerful thing to hold. I've talked endlessly to Betty Okino about her experiences and find them all fascinating. My brother-in-law, Big Stinky Mike, was training for the 1980 games in Moscow for volleyball before Jimmy Carter decided that America should boycott. He didn't make it but he has played all over the world and I love his stories no matter how many times I've heard them. Especially the one where he gets his ass kicked by a golden gloves boxer from Puerto Rico.
I don't know anything about being there and I've never competed in one but if anyone can rise to the occasion and bring their mind and body to compete at that level, I salute them.
You hear me Misty Hyman?
I feel better now!
9/22/2000
phardoe@sportshollywood.com
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