Shut Your Pie-Hole!

Kiss & Make Up

By Phardoe...

Sometimes things in the sports world get crazy all by themselves. Sometimes the athletes get in fights or get busted by the cops. They break the law time and time again. They have too many girlfriends and ultimately too many kids. The players strike. At times the sports are bigger than the players. The owners have lockouts. Then there are the Marge Schott type incidents. But sometimes there are completely different reasons why a player, a particular sport or a team is brought to the media forefront.

Last week we had a new one, kissing! Yes my friends, that age-old ritual of locking lips and getting busy. Well apparently in Dodger stadium you're not allowed to kiss in the stands in front of the other paying customers. It upsets people and eventually you will get thrown out of the park. Oh yeah, one thing about this though. You can kiss if you're straight but not if you're gay.

It seems Dodgers ushers ejected a lesbian couple from the stadium for a French kiss. Although most fans in the section weren't bothered, two apparently complained to a security guard. The offending lesbians were ejected faster than Anne Heche on a break up road trip.

Which was dead wrong, of course! Why kick them out? I'd put it on the JumboTron and let it play for the rest of the game. They should pay these two chick lovers to show up for every game. The Dodgers suck this year anyway. In a typical LA way, Dodger fans show up in the third inning and leave by the seventh. They can't be bothered by who wins or loses, there's traffic that has to be conquered. If you could promise a free lesbian kissing show for every game I guarantee people would get there early and you would have to drag them out. Think of all the extra beer, food and merchandising they could peddle. That's dollars in the Dodgers pockets! It's all about the cash baby! Isn't that what professional sports are all about these days anyway?! Tell me who doesn't like lesbians? Hell, find me a guy who doesn't love lesbians??!!

Dodgers GM Bob Graziano spent part of Wednesday explaining the bad move to Danielle Goldey and Meredith Kott. In addition to a public apology, the Dodgers donated 5,000 tickets to three gay and lesbian organizations and promised sensitivity training for their employees. How about some sensitivity training for the actual Dodgers for sucking! Long live the lesbian!!!

One more thing about the Dodgers, their sucking and their inability to see two people in love, Davey Johnson is all but fired! Seems like good money the FOX people spent huh?

Well Nike has started a new uproar. The question to the public is? Do we as average duffer golfers have the right to buy the equipment the pros use, especially if it's being advertised and marketed as such? "This is the ball Tiger knocks the shit out of every week, you too can hit it if you just go buy it!" Uh, well, guess not! Tiger Woods endorses "Nike Tour Accuracy'' golf balls in TV and magazine ads, but he really plays with custom-made balls unavailable to everyday duffers, Nike acknowledged Tuesday after being sued in federal court. Nike Inc. said the balls Woods uses for his monster swings that produce 300-plus-yard drives have a slightly harder inner and outer core than the balls sold to the public.

"Those two elements are slightly firmer than the marketed ball,'' Mike Kelly, marketing director for Nike Golf, told The Associated Press. Kelly said it's common practice in the golfing world to sell the public different products than what the pros really use.

"It's an industry practice to make minor specification changes to golf products: irons, putters and golf balls for tour players,'' Kelly said. "Slight specification and modifications need to be made to their equipment for their game.''

But other leading names in golf say their customers get exactly what their pros endorse.

Joe Gomes, a spokesman for Titleist, of Fairhaven, Mass., said its players use the same products they advertise. And if a player uses a "tweaked'' version of a club, he said, a consumer could special order it. "We are very particular about our advertisements. We don't make any claims that cannot be substantiated in both golf balls and clubs,'' Gomes said. Callaway Golf of Carlsbad, Calif., said that if one of its golf pros says he uses a certain club, that identical club is available retail.

Well I guess Nike doesn't have to play by everyone else's rules. They have Tiger so they can do whatever they want. The guys on Sportscenter said, as a footnote, that it didn't matter if we used the real balls or the ones sold at your neighborhood golf store we still couldn't hit them like Tiger. Well no shit but that's not the point! If I'm told I'm getting Tigers balls, I want Tigers balls…..wait a minute…..you know what I mean!

Two closing notes: Will Clark was traded to the Cards and hit a ding in his first four games. I didn't know if it was Jack or Will. Love him!

The Los Angeles Lakers, whose Dennis Rodman experiment was a miserable failure, added another NBA bad boy, Isaiah Rider. He's a huge freak and a giant pain in the ass!

Good Luck! Hate him!

I feel better now!

8/31/2000

The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly

By Phardoe...

GB & U
Last week provided us with some very interesting things in the wonderful world of sports. All three of these tales have several common denominators. They don't all share the same values or moral and ethical standards but they are all remarkable, amazing and over all mind-boggling.

As these things unfolded I couldn't help but to think of that great American hero, Clint Eastwood. Last weeks events can only be described as the Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

The Good: Two words; Tiger Woods. I have to admit there have been several times in the last four years where the whole Tigermania thing gave me a rash. I hated when Sportscenter would give Tiger's score and position in the field and he was nowhere near the top. It was like here are the top shots, here is the leader board and oh yeah, Tiger Woods is in forty second place after shooting a seventy-eight. At that point who the hell cares.

Well I think it's safe to say that's all changed. He has done it again; only difference is this time he finally got a fight to the finish. All summer long, he had been winning major championships with frightening ease. Fifteen strokes in the U.S. Open, eight strokes in the British Open. He was no less spectacular Sunday in the PGA Championship, when he had to reach down and battle back against a player few people even knew until their thrilling drama unfolded on the back nine of Valhalla Golf Club. In a fitting conclusion to perhaps the greatest summer of golf, Woods birdied the last two holes in regulation and won the PGA Championship in a playoff over Bob May to become the first player since Ben Hogan in 1953 to win three majors in one year. Woods now has won four of the last five majors, his first in a playoff. By winning at Valhalla Golf Club, he became the first player to repeat as PGA champion since Denny Shute in 1937, and the first since it went to stroke play in 1958. Last month at St. Andrews, the 24-year-old Woods became the youngest player to complete the career Grand Slam.

All of this playoff pressure came from a player who going into this tournament was ranked forty-eighth in the world. May has only one career win and that was the British Masters on the European tour. By placing second he tied his career best on the PGA tour.

Even if your not a Tiger Woods fan you have to say that he is the greatest golfer in the world right now. The jury is still out on greatest ever. I'm not a big fan of premature accolades. Premature anything for that matter!

But hey, what about that Bob May? Hat's off to you my friend! Only thing, next time can you beat him? Gotta love the underdog!

The Bad: Former Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin was arrested on a misdemeanor drug charge. Irvin was taken into custody on a charge of possession of less than 2 ounces of marijuana, a Class B misdemeanor, said Plano Police Department Sgt. Mark Hunt. Officers from a multi-level drug task force went to the apartment to arrest a woman for heroin trafficking as part of a regional sweep, said Lori Bailey, an FBI spokeswoman.

"I really don't know what went on. I was visiting somebody and the police came looking for somebody else and I was in the house,'' Irvin told reporters after his lawyer signed paperwork for his release.

Do you mean to tell me that this jackass had no idea that there were drugs there? The one thing I like about Irvin is his consistency. He has been stupid his entire career! Task force agents arrested the chick that lived at the apartment, Ronda Adham, the next day in a Dallas suburb. She was indicted on federal drug trafficking charges in 1999 and had violated conditions of her pretrial release. Adham was part of a group accused of selling the heroin that killed Mark Tuinei of the Cowboys last year, according to published reports.

Come on Mike, you knew, you had to know! The guy she killed was on your team you f***ing idiot!

Apparently the feds found pot, cocaine and ecstasy. Irvin had nothing on his person. Rumor has it he was naked. No pockets! He should go into marriage counseling with Evander Holyfield and Magic Johnson. Or they could teach a class on how to screw over your women. They're so good it could be a class in a Masters program at a major university.

Now if you didn't think this story could get any better, or worse depending on whose point of view you have, mine or Irvin's, it does. Fox Sports Net announced that Irvin will not be a Fox studio analyst this season; a decision the network said was mutual in light of Irvin's arrest. His career in broadcasting is over before it got started. Can you see the smile on my face?!

"After several lengthy conversations between Fox Sports Net and Michael Irvin, both parties agree that given the events of last week, it would be imprudent for Michael to begin as an analyst on 'NFL This Morning' at this time,'' a Fox statement said.

Imprudent? Why don't they just call it like it is? We wouldn't hire this guy now if no one else on the planet except for Dennis Miller were available.

Thank you and good night Mike!

The Ugly: Denver Broncos linebacker Bill Romanowski and his wife directed a friend to obtain more than 500 appetite suppressant pills -- more than five times the amount that would have been prescribed on a standard diet plan, according to law enforcement documents obtained by Sports Illustrated. Romanowski was indicted last week on four felony counts accusing him of using the diet drug, which some doctors believe helps athletes by speeding up their metabolisms. He is due to appear in court Aug. 28. Julie Romanowski faces eight counts of fraudulently obtaining a controlled substance and conspiracy. Her scheduled arraignment was postponed until October 5.

Apparently Romanowski was quoted as saying that he has to take these little cheater pills to compete on a level playing field with the African-American players. Oh that's right Bill didn't say African-American he said the N-word. My, my, my. I guess there are still people in the public eye who are that racist, closed-minded and that freaking stupid! Romanowski had a teary-eyed news conference in which he acknowledged he took a lie detector test to refute comments in Sports Illustrated that he took diet pills to better compete with black players. Once again Bill, you didn't say black, you said the N-word.

Well this obviously has shaken up a few people. The general consensus is that people are pissed that he said he needs pills to compete but they are really, really pissed that he used the N-word.

"He'll never finish the season,'' said a black player on an NFC team. "Somebody is going to get him."

"We believed him in the J.J. Stokes matter, but not again,'' said another black player. "Before, we gave him the benefit of the doubt. But you know what they say, "Where there's smoke, there's fire." In 1997, Romanowski was fined $7,500 for spitting in the face of Stokes, the San Francisco 49ers wide receiver who is black.

"If I had an opportunity, I'd crack him,'' an NFC offensive tackle said.

All I hope is that when this jackass gets his I'm watching the game.

The stars came together once before on these three little tales, maybe it can happen again. Maybe Romanowski will walk up to Tiger and Irvin, call them both a couple of names then they proceed to beat him senseless, then Mike will light up a doobie, pull out a crack pipe and start sucking. Tiger then pulls out his trusty driver and tees off on him. He nails a perfect drive and knocks all the drug paraphernalia out of Irvin's lips. Irvin then subsequently lands in the local state prison where he belongs.

Then if we're really lucky, Bob May and Tiger will go play a round of golf where May whips him like no whipping before. I can dream a little can't I?

I feel better now!

8/21/2000

Piehole Archive

Phardoe lives at the beach and can currently be seen on a barstool near you. Feel free to buy him drinks! But beware -- Phardoe is also the loudest, angriest sportsfan who has ever lived. He thinks British soccer fans are sissies. If he starts to get aggressive, just say "Big Unit rocks" or "Sun Devils rule" to calm him, then find the nearest exit. (Or just buy him another beer.)