By Phardoe...
Define "gentleman"... |
Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden. That, my friends, is where the word "golf" originated. That's what I heard anyway, and that sounds reasonable enough to me. Playing golf with the buddies is a sacred thing -- no women allowed. You get out there in the big outdoors and do guy stuff. You swear like sailors, throw clubs, drink beer, lie and occasionally cheat... Well not really cheat, just justify your shots: "That's a manmade obstacle", "unnatural water," "gimme," "mulligan" … All the things that keep the testosterone flowing. Now saying all that, I broke the first rule of the word G.O.L.F., I took the girl to the links. This was something new. I had never done this. Where are the guys?
Now let me tell you something about the girl. She doesn't put up with any shit, she's competitive and can hold herself in the swearing game too. We hit the driving range first then off we go to the first tee. It's an executive course so they're all par 3's. There is a whole gaggle of women behind us waiting to tee off in their weekly league They looked like a bucket of fun. The girl tees it up, takes a mighty swing and sends the ball…ten feet. I told her, so what that's part of the game. You could feel the women's league tension, but I think some of them were checking her out. She approaches the ball, hits it again, 15 feet. But she looked good! This goes on for the first couple of holes then she relaxed and started smacking it. She put it all together on the seventh hole and parred the freaking hole. Great for her, bad for me. I got a five.
She finished strong only losing one ball. I guess the moral of the story is that you can take your girl out to the course and still have fun. Mind you it's different but it's the same game. I swore the same, drank the same, cheated the same and probably told a couple of lies. I didn't throw a club though. Gotta keep something in the arsenal.
The New York Mets fan who threw John Rocker's baseball back onto the field has been exonerated. In a statement touching on baseball tradition, Queens District Attorney Richard Brown said that Gregory Sweeney of Brooklyn did nothing illegal during Sunday's game between the Mets and Atlanta Braves.
Yeah, no shit. People need to relax. I think we all agree that John Rocker is a jackass but anyone who knows anything about baseball and its traditions should have known that the ball was coming back. That's the way things are done at a baseball park. A ball from the bad guys gets thrown back on the field by the good guys. Done deal! Why would the idiot cop arrest him and have him go to court. He's the one who should get the ticket for being stupid.
"The fact that anyone vaguely familiar with the game of baseball would know that Mr. Sweeney's conduct would inevitably follow this chain of events would not, or course, excuse his conduct if it, in fact, was reckless,'' Brown said. "I have concluded that it was not. "I've called it the way I see it.''
At least the judge wasn't stupid.
Well, what else has happened this week? Great hands made Michael Irvin one of the best receivers in NFL history. A loud mouth made him one of the game's great showboats. Well it's all over now, he's retiring. The team said Monday that Irvin, 34, will announce his retirement. He also is expected to announce plans to go into broadcasting. Well isn't that special. I can't wait for him to spew his narcissistic crap. That guy is so full of himself. Just retire, just go the hell away. Go back to the crack house you crawled out under from.
Wanna hear my favorite Irvin memory? In 1996, Irvin was arrested in a motel-room drug bust in the wee hours of his 30th birthday. When his case went to trial, he arrived at court one day in a mink coat and sunglasses, then autographed a security guard's Bible. Now that's a classy athlete!
Sammy Sosa finally has a home-run title. Just not THAT home-run title The Chicago Cubs star, at the center of what he described ``as a hurricane happening to me the last month,'' beat Griffey 9-2 in the finals and hit 26 overall, 14 more than any other player. He never beat Big Mac head to head but he will get the fat deal that McGwire doesn't have. It's just a matter of time before he gets traded or the Cubs give him what he wants. What the hell, give it to him. He puts people in the stands. That's worth cash. Twenty million! Why not! Athletes deserve more money than God!
Tim Duncan, the biggest prize in this year's NBA free-agent pool, will remain with the San Antonio Spurs, spurning an offer to play with the Orlando Magic. ``Orlando had a lot to offer. I went down there and had a good time. When it came down to it, I just liked what I had here,'' Duncan said today at a news conference.
Finally, an athlete who has some pride and loyalty to the team that made him who he is. That's old school. Duncan is a real rarity. In a time of greed, glory and very big money there are too many athletes who follow in the footsteps of the noble fool Michael Irvin and not enough who show appreciation like Duncan has. Here, here!!!
By the way, I played G.O.L.F. yesterday with my brother in law, Big Stinky Mike, and I whipped his ass. Then again I may be exercising some of the golf guy stuff.
I feel better now!
7/12/2000
Clipped Wings
By Phardoe...
First off I have to tell you about the rudest thing I've seen in a while. I was watching Sportscenter last night. (The opening music is my favorite song.) So here was this dude at a Rangers game with his girlfriend and they see themselves up on the Jumbo-tron. She's like, "Look, it's us!" She's all giggly and shit and "Wow look at us", all smiles to say the least. He spins her around toward him and gets down on one knee and whips out the rock. The lad is popping the Big Q! She wigs! She seems startled and jumps back. You can read his lips and can tell that he has to ask her again. That's embarrassing enough! Then she looks real pissed and throws TWO sodas on him. What a freaking bitch. At least humor the guy and wait until it gets off the bigscreen to emotionally grab his scrotum and pull it over his head.
I don't know, maybe she just doesn't like the Rangers.
Well, the NBA draft was this past week and it looks like the LA Clippers have done it again. They acquired Darius Miles, Quentin Richardson, Corey Maggette, Derek Strong and Keyon Dooling through the draft and trades to restock a roster that has gone through annual defections, as the low-rent franchise remained mired in a losing mode. Miles is 18, and Richardson, Maggette and Dooling, a point guard from Missouri whom the Clippers acquired from Orlando, are all 20. Theirs were some of the baby faces on display during a draft night that furthered the trend of the NBA getting younger and younger.
Now you don't need me to tell you that the Clippers suck. They have notoriously screwed up the draft time and time again. Even this year, they lost the first pick. They had more shots at the first overall pick than anyone. Did they get it? No, they got third pick.
Michael Jordan said that if the Washington Suckards would have had the first pick he would have taken Miles. Yeah if the Queen had balls she'd be the King! Even with his Airness saying that, don't you think that with their track record they would have chosen a more solid, tested player? Mark Heisler, of the LA Times' "The NBA Beat", personally told me that Miles was awesome. Fine, but it's the Clippers. They suck! Pick someone, anyone who may have any sort of proven ability to play in the NBA. Too much Kobe. Too much Kevin Garnett. Too many stories about these kids busting straight of high school and hitting the big time, fat payday. Not enough stories about the kids who don't play in the NBA at all!
Hey if he makes it, good for him and very good for the Clippers. God knows they could use it. But I think these kids should go to school, play ball there, get an education and then enter the draft. Unless my team, the Suns, drafts them then it's all about the scoreboard. I'd kill for Kobe!
Well John Rocker went back to New York this week and the Mets battery chuckers were ready. There were t-shirts being sold that said, "Battery Day Shea 2000/John Rocker .../Beat the Braves.'' signs proclaiming "NYC Says No to RocKKKer'' and fliers advertising "John Rocker Battery Night.'' Rocker had been saying that he would take the number 7 train to Shea for the game, opting instead Thursday for a black van and police escort. Hey can you blame him? Nobody wants to get his ass kicked just for the hell of it.
Although everyone there seemed to want to throw a battery or two at Rocker, The heavy police presence -- 700 officers -- was evident for the second straight night. At the Thursdays opener of the four-game series there were no incidents, although police arrested two people -- one for disorderly conduct, another for entering a "players only'' zone -- and issued 63 summons for open containers of beer, police spokesman Sgt. Victor Ramos said. On Friday, there were three arrests for disorderly conduct and one for assault, plus seven for scalping and 26 for vending without a license. In addition, there were 246 summons issued for alcohol use, according to New York police department Det. Robert Samuel. None of the arrests were Rocker related, he said.
Sounds like a typical night at Shea to me.
As if dealing with Rocker wasn't enough for the Braves to handle, they banned four TBS announcers from the team's chartered flights after the cable channel revealed that the catcher's box was altered at Turner Field.
During the first inning of a game against the Milwaukee Brewers, TBS aired video showing the catcher's box was 4 to 5 inches smaller than the previous night. The footage was shown after a rare balk call against Atlanta catcher Fernando Lunar for lining up with his right foot outside the box. Opposing teams have long claimed that Atlanta pitchers are given the benefit of an extra-wide strike zone, particularly on the outside corners. Catchers who set up wide of the plate can increase the chances of an outside pitch being called a strike.
So after banning them from one flight they all kissed and made up and now everyone is allowed to fly, play and cheat together.
It's only cheating if you get caught.
Charlotte Hornets forward Anthony Mason was released from jail Tuesday after being accused of starting a riot and assaulting a police officer in the French Quarter.
I would like to try an experiment. Let's take John Rocker and Anthony Mason out for a night on the town. We'll start off with some beers then move into shots and finally to a little bit of Kentucky's finest, Jack Daniels. Then we'll have the boys mosey on over to a strip club. We'll entertain them with 6 or 8 lap dances. Then the fun starts!
We take all of their money away and drop them off in Times Square. How long do you think they would last? How many riots would they start? How many women and children would be offended or assaulted? I'm betting that the numbers would be high, very high. And if we were lucky, the lovely people of New York would step up to the plate and someway; somehow find a way to be victorious. We can only hope!
I feel better now!
7/6/2000
Not an Oscar Caliber Performance By Phardoe...
Wow, what a week! We had everything from the freaking Lakers finally winning the NBA Championship to the dawn of what could be a new Golden Boy to Hannibal Tyson claiming $8 million clams for thirty-eight seconds work. Oh yeah, ABC announced that a comedian would work the booth for this years Monday Night Football. So many tasty morsels I don't know where to start.
This is BEFORE the riot. |
Well the Lakers finally stepped up to the plate and won the big one. Not that I really give a rat's ass. I'm just glad it's over. Now everyone around here will hopefully shut the hell up. I'm so sick of Shaq this and Kobe that. I don't care what any of these newborn Lakers fans say about how good the Lakers are and if they are as good as the Bulls were with Jordan. They're not. Sacramento took them to five. Phoenix beat them by 28 or so in one game and took them to six. Portland, despite choking like the team that played the Bad News Bears in the final game, had them served up on a platter. Then the Pacers made it very tough in six games. I don't remember the Bulls ever fighting like that. If Obi-Wan weren't coaching them there would be no comparisons. So party like rock stars, burn down the damn town, I don't care. Just stay the hell out of my neighborhood!
Saturday night I watched the replay of the De La Hoya/ Mosley fight on my free HBO. I missed it last week. I think I was scoring! It's about time someone shut that De La Hoya up. That guy is so sold on the fact that he is the man. He may have been when he was taking lesser fights. Sweet Pea almost beat him and he then turned down the idea of a re-match. Trinidad beat his ass and all he does is complain about how he put on a boxing exhibition and Trinidad just threw punches, a street fight. So what, he won! Nobody pays to see you "box" they want to see an ass whooping. Why do you think wrestling is so popular? It's called violence, not style you bonehead. Mosley went out and did what he had to do. He listened to his corner and before the tenth when they told him "you have to win these last rounds to win the fight", he did it. He went out swinging, ended the rounds with furious blows and kicked Oscar's pretty boy ass! And it was good. Now after two loses, two, he says he may retire. Adios Golden Boy!
"That's not Lewis' kid! Quit eating!!!" |
In a rather different way Mike Tyson went to Scotland, caused all kinds of uproar about him fighting there and beat some sack in thirty-eight seconds. In doing so he was paid 8 million dollars. Capitalism at it's finest! On a lighter note, no one was bitten but Tyson did say he would eat Lennox Lewis' children, rip out his heart and then show it to him before knocking him out. He seems calmer, huh?
The following is to be sung like Hank Williams Jr. Are you ready for some wry observational comedy with your football? O.K., stop singing now! Dennis Miller -- yes, THAT Dennis Miller - is bringing his ranting schtick to "Monday Night Football'' as the wild card in ABC's bid to overhaul a program with declining ratings. Wow! Talk about going DEEP into the line-up to pull out a starter. I don't know, Rush Limbaugh auditioned and that was a crock but at least he has a sports broadcasting background. He worked for the Kansas Royals in the eighties.
Now I love Miller, I think he's very funny and has the vocabulary of a college English professor. I love how he doesn't really give a shit, but football announcing? Miller has been quoted as saying that he just wants to blend into a three-man team, observe and call the game as a fan. Hell I could do that! Where's my damn audition?
Don Ohlmeyer, who handpicked the new crew, vowed to get viewers talking about the show the way they did when Howard Cosell and Don Meredith were on ABC's NFL team. Miller's selection might do just that -- at the risk of alienating viewers who prefer their football announcers with a background in the game.
"Football is not played in St. Patrick's Cathedral. People watch football to have some fun. We want a telecast that's relevant, successful and unpredictable,'' Ohlmeyer said. "If it doesn't work out, no amount of buzz will save us.''
Hey Dennis, don't suck!
Now, a small amount of crap. Alex Corretja and Albert Costa of Spain, angry they were not seeded at Wimbledon, pulled out of the tournament Sunday to protest preferential seedings given to grass-court players. Corretja and Costa made the decision on the eve of the tournament and 90 minutes after holding a news conference with Phillips and ATP head Mark Miles to air their grievance. Corretja had threatened to "play one game and go home,'' which would have been an embarrassment to Wimbledon officials and a move Miles opposed. "Mentally I don't feel like playing this year's Wimbledon because I don't see myself respected as a person and as a player,'' Corretja said.
I'm gonna take my ball and go home!
A week after he was acquitted of trying to bribe a police officer, former Florida State kicker Sebastian Janikowski was arrested on charges of possessing the "date-rape drug.'' The Oakland Raiders' first-round draft choice and two friends were found with GHB at a nightclub early Wednesday during a police sweep for underage drinkers, Florida State University police said. Janikowski, a native of Poland, and the two others were charged with one count of felony possession of a controlled substance. The All-America kicker who helped the Seminoles win the national championship was released from jail after pleading innocent and posting $2,500 bond.
That guy must REALLY have a hard time getting chicks. He's a resident alien from Poland who is on the national championship Florida State football team. He was the first kicker in 21 years taken in the first round of the NFL Draft and was scheduled to leave this week to begin workouts with the Raiders and he still needs roofies!!!
I feel better now!
6/26/2000
Baseball By Phardoe...So last Friday night I take the girl to a baseball game. She's a big sports fan but baseball it not really on the list. Well she's now seeing the light and realizing what a great sport it is. Probably a combination of just giving in to it because I always have it on the tube and the heroics of the mighty Mark McGwire. Although her current sports passion is cheering for any team that plays the Lakers!
The Little League® Pledge:
"I trust in God. I love my country and will respect its laws. I will play fair and strive to win. But win or lose I will always do my best." (If I'm about to be tagged out, I'll spike the living shit out of the baseman.) |
I gotta tell you, I love baseball. Going to the ballpark takes you places. I think of the times I played all day, everyday, after school and in the summer. I think of Little League.I think of quitting golf at an early age because the swing screwed up my baseball swing. I think of making the high school team as a freshman. I think of when the St. Louis Cardinals won the World Series in 1982. Unfortunately, I also think of when they lost it in '85 and '87. I still hate the Royals and the Twins!
So when we got to our seats on the third base line I felt right at home. We went to Chavez Ravine to check out the Dodgers and the Cardinals. First things first, a beer and a dog. Well the girl had the dog, I hate those disgusting things. Lips and assholes! Ah, but the beer was good. The behind the back toss from the peanut guy rocks too! It started off great with the Cards scoring 3 in the top of the first. Things just flowed from there. The game was close and at one point tied but the Cards pulled it off it the end with a 5 to 3 victory.
We had it all. Edmunds had 2 dings, one in the first and one in the ninth. Nice bookends. There were close plays, tags at the plate, great catches and the pitching was not bad, although Hershiser did get rocked pretty early.
It's a great thing to be at the ballpark. It's big, spacious and relatively peaceful. There's no clock to worry about. Just three up and three down, winner take all. It's completely fair for both teams to suck it up and win. But the American League does blow because of the DH... but I'll save that for another day.
Baseball hasn't really changed in the last 100 years. To me it's still in its purest form. It's still played the way it was meant to be played, for the most part. Now I know that it has its faults too. No World Series in '94 really pissed me off. I had a personal boycott of attending games in '95. Free agency, small market can't win, blah, blah, blah. But when was the last time a baseball player was up on murder charges?!
I can talk baseball with my father, grandfather, my little brother and now, the girl, twice. Get it?
Now on to some crap. Butch Carter's tumultuous tenure at coach of the Toronto Raptors is over. The Raptors fired Carter Tuesday, after a season in which he led the team to its first NBA playoff berth but also found himself in almost constant controversy and clashes with his own players. This guy is an idiot. Let's see, he clashed with his players and was accused of not having any leadership. Carter made headlines again after a report that he had asked for G.M. Glen Grunwald's title in his annual job review before Grunwald and team president Richard Peddie. The coach said he did not want Grunwald's powers, only his title for added influence in dealings with free agents. Nice try jackass! Then he sued former Raptor and current Knick Marcus Camby for calling him a liar, and then dropped the lawsuit after his legal challenge received widespread criticism. I think someone told him that "liar, liar pants on fire" was not a something worth litigation.
No great loss, Carter's regular-season record with the Raptors was 73-243. Plus Tracy McGrady said he wasn't coming back.
Hey Butch I heard the Raptors had one word to say about your firing: "Next!"
Belgian police arrested 131 hooligans after using a water cannon on Saturday to break up groups of rival England and Germany soccer fans ahead of their Euro2000 match. Whatever! It's s-o-c-c-e-r! That sport sucks!!! If you're going to get thrown in jail over a sport at least pick one where you can use your hands!I feel better now!
6/19/2000
![[sportshollywood]](images/psgorilla.jpg)
