By Phardoe...
There's a lot of crap that goes on out in the world of sports. Too many bad apples that spoil the entire system. Some of the tirades are at least entertaining to watch but most just annoy us. Well me anyway. No matter what the sport is, it's a kid's game. Grown men getting paid more money than their ancestors have made, ever! More times than not we as fans have to hear about the John Rockers, the O.J.s, the Rae Carruths, just to name a few. Well this week we are losing a great one. A man who played in the shadows for the first half of his career. Finally getting his shot he was a man who went out there every week and did his job. He performed. He dazzled. He helped to revolutionize his position.
Steve Young's illustrious 15-year NFL career has come to an end. Young, 38, will make an official announcement Monday at noon ET at team headquarters.
Steve Young made an impression on me very early in his career. I loved him immediately. Why? Because he's a lefty. We lefties have to stick together. I remember his deal with the LA Express in the USFL. I remember when he went to Tampa, the black hole of the NFL. Then he came to the Promise Land. A team built on pride, teamwork and work ethic. A team that had been enjoying great success. Unfortunately he was second fiddle to the man, Joe Montana. When Young finally got his chance he flourished. A two-time league MVP, Young led San Francisco to a Super Bowl victory over San Diego in 1994 by throwing six touchdowns passes and was selected the game's most outstanding player. Tough, heady and equally dangerous with his legs and his left arm, Young was named to seven consecutive Pro Bowls and matched Sammy Baugh's NFL record with six passing titles.
To be sure, Young will miss the game. A warrior until the end, he left everything on the field. In the second game against New Orleans last season, Young was pounded throughout and had little recollection of a throwing a late game-winning touchdown pass. The following game against Arizona proved to be his last, Young sustaining a blow to his head and suffering his fourth concussion in three years.
In addition to having a law degree from BYU and being part-owner of a start-up business, Young is a leading candidate to replace Boomer Esiason on Monday Night Football. Few athletes have been better prepared for life after sports.
There is no doubt that Young will still be around the world of football. But he will be missed as a player. He was a great champion and a true survivor.
Adios Lefty!
John RoKKKer |
Now to some crap. Crybaby John Rocker didn't want to be sent down to Triple A this week so he talked of retirement. Whatever! I was trying to cut this jackass as much slack as possible. Not that I condone what he said in the SI article, but because he strikes me as a big stupid kid, who just happens to have a cannon for a left arm, who is in way over his head. Now I think he should just go the hell away. I think I can get him a job on Wall Street. I know some people!
"There's plenty of things I can do besides deal with the headaches of this garbage every single day," Rocker told WKLS. "I'd be a stock broker probably. There's something to be said for having a job that's not just a complete headache."
See what I mean!
On to the NFL: Mark Chmura was released by the Green Bay Packers Monday as he awaits trial on charges he sexually assaulted his 17-year-old baby sitter. I guess that gives him more time to look for a tux for the prom. Rumor has he was spotted buying Brittany Spears' cd's last week. Loser!
Baltimore Raven's star Ray Lewis pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor Monday under an agreement that drops murder charges in the stabbing deaths of two men outside a Super Bowl party.
Now if I were Rae Carruth I'd be calling his lawyer!
I feel better now!
Women with Drive
By Phardoe...
You know, sometimes things just happen that seem as though they were meant to be:
Like an unknown quarterback taking his team to Super Bowl glory.
Like a thirty five year old pitcher finally getting his break in the bigs.
Like when Lyn St. James and Sarah Fisher, two women in the Indy field for the first time, ran into each other, hit the wall and put each other out of the race.
Now when I heard about this it just seemed too good to be true.
"That was a huge disappointment," St. James said. "To me, this is such a positive to have two women in the field. To have us involved in an incident like this just opens the door for all kinds of statements and criticism."
Yeah, no shit!
Indy 500 has essentially been an all-boys' club since the first race in 1911. It got a serious dose of girl power when Fisher and St. James roared around the first turn. It also got a serious dose of women driving on the first turn on lap seventy-four.
As Fisher closed on her, St. James took a quick glance in her rearview mirror and thought the youngster was far enough back that she could take the corner on her own. But Jaques Lazier slipped inside to make it three-wide, a dangerous situation that proved unmanageable for the others.
Fisher's right wheel hit the left side of St. James' car, sending St. James into the concrete wall. Fisher lost control of her car as well, skimming the wall in the short chute between the first and second turns.
The real culprit was Lazier, said Fisher's car owner Derrick Walker. In fact, after the crash, Fisher yelled "I'll kill that son of a gun!'' into her radio. Oooohhh!! Simmer down Alannis.
Fisher, a 19-year-old rookie who blew into the Brickyard with an attitude, was quoted as saying, she doesn't just want to walk through the door Janet Guthrie and St. James opened, and she'd like to kick it down. She wants to win, she said, implying that Guthrie and St. James were content just to qualify. Blah, blah, blah! Settle down Miss Daisy. Just be happy you're there.
Fisher wound up 31st in the 33-car field, one spot ahead of St. James. Look on the bright side ladies; at least you weren't last.
I think what happened was one of them was on the cellphone and the other was checking her lipstick. Hey ladies this isn't a California freeway. It's Indy baby, the Brickyard!
"I score any way I can." | |
Now on to the NFL. Mark Chmura was ordered to stand trial on sexual assault charges after his 17-year-old baby sitter testified the Green Bay Packers tight end had sex with her without her consent. Chmura claimed he is innocent and is currently out there looking for the real culprit.
Lawrence Phillips, whose NFL career foundered amid repeated disciplinary problems and violent behavior, has been arrested on charges of assaulting his girlfriend.
Phillips, 25, was arrested on a felony assault charge and carrying a loaded weapon in a vehicle. He was in jail Tuesday night in lieu of $500,000 bail.
I'll bet you a C-note that some NFL team gives this freakin' loser a shot to make the team.
Ray Lewis's murder trial is moving along nicely.
On a brighter note, the Dallas Cowboys might be interested in signing Randall Cunningham as a back up QB. Note to Dallas: he sucks!!
And finally, a salute to Mrs. Jones on those Nike spots:
Shut the hell up!
I feel better now!
Heavy Hitters
By Phardoe...
Boo-birds take flight |
What the hell happened at Wrigley last week? What was supposed to be a friendly little game of baseball between the Dodgers and the Cubs turned into a bad scene at a WWF match. Pardon the oxymoron!
The fight in Chicago began when a fan near the Dodgers' bullpen reached over and hit Catcher Chad Kreuter. It took 9 minutes to restore order. Sixteen players and three coaches for the Los Angeles Dodgers were suspended from three to eight games Wednesday for going into the stands during a fight with fans on May 16. The penalties are believed to be the most ever in baseball from one brawl.
Now I don't know what that jackass in the stands said but I would pay a week's wage to have heard it. My bet was it had something to do with Krueter's mother. I once had a buddy named Mark who could use the words mother, last night and hole, in any order, to incite any sort of riot. He could piss off the pope. Dangerous from his point of view but damn entertaining from mine.
| REMOVE WHAT ALES THEM:
One day after 19 Dodgers were fined and suspended for taking part in the May 16 Wrigley Field massacre, Cubs fans received what they feel is an even harsher sentence: The number of beer vendors at Wrigley Field will be reduced by 10 percent -- and their inventory will be cut by 50 percent on their last trip into the stands. Beer sales will be cut off a half-inning earlier, from the first pitch of the top of the seventh to the first pitch of the bottom of the sixth.
Meanwhile, Chicago Cubs fan Ronald Camacho, who was arrested in the brawl, filed a lawsuit against Dodgers' players and both teams, claiming that he sustained neck and shoulder strains, for $50,000 (he must still be drunk). |
Now I don't believe that Kreuter should have gone in the stands. I also don't believe the Jackass should have stolen his hat or insulted his Madre. But I really don't agree with what the experts are saying was the true problem: beer. Too much drinking caused the Jackass to do his deeds?!?
Now if my figures are correct the Cubs haven't won the World Series since 1906. That's "1906"! The way I see it, beer is his best friend. Without beer how could a Cubs fans exist? You try going to a Cubs game sober! If you're not loaded by the third inning on opening day at a Cubs game it's going to be a long season.
My favorite sign at a sporting event was a guy holding one on opening day at Wrigley that said, "There's always next year!" A sign painted, carried and held up with the joyful assistance of beer!
Now to some other crap. The Cards' Rick Ankiel strikes out a career-high 11. Ankiel (4-2) surrendered seven runs in 2 2/3 innings in a loss at Pittsburgh last Friday. In 6 2/3 innings against Florida, the 20-year-old rookie allowed seven hits, and he didn't walk a batter for the first time in his career. Can you say rookie of the year?
I used to loathe Latrell Sprewell. I thought that when he was suspended that was the greatest, ballsiest thing organized sports ever did. But of course they backed down and he got a better team with the same money. Let the loathing begin. But I have to say he's been awesome. Now I just wonder how the hell he does that to his hair!
Eric Lindros' star-crossed career could be over. The Philadelphia Choke Artists', I mean Flyers, star sustained his fourth concussion in five months and his sixth in two years during the first period of a 2-1 loss to New Jersey in Friday night's Game 7 of the Eastern Conference finals.
Lindros, 27, spent the night in a hospital and returned to his South Jersey home Saturday. One word……pussy!
I feel better now!
5/29/2000
A Few Things to Cheer Against
By Phardoe
Let's get one thing straight, as a sports fan I had a very average week. I am a big fan of my teams and that's it. I may like other teams or players from time to time but when it gets right down to it, my teams rule and your teams suck! I'm loyal, no bandwagon crap here. Through all the good (little) and the bad (plenty) I stick in there. I'm an Arizona Cardinals fan for God's sake.
Which is more juiced:
The ball or the batter? |
So when Mark McGwire hits three dings in one game alone, I'm jacked. He surpassed Mickey Mantle on the career list and Willie Mays on the games with multiple homers list. That my friends, is a feat. Don't look now, but McGwire is hitting home runs like never before - at a faster pace than his 65-homer season of a year ago, at a faster pace than when he hit his record 70 in 1998. So go Cards. Oh yeah, the AL sucks. Baseball is basically three things, throwing, catching and hitting. Not two out of three. Pitching pansies!
But on a sadder note the Suns got rocked by the Los Angeles Losers. I hate that damn team. My favorite part of a Losers game is "Hack-a-Shaq" Chick Hearn can bitch all he wants but that's the way the game is played. The ball goes to Shaq; he can't shoot free throws, hack his ass! Hack, hack, hack!
That leads me to Kobe and his 10-carat diamond ring giving ass...to a high school senior! Let's review. Kobe makes over seven million clams a year, he's an NBA superstar, owns his own basketball team and is famous the world over. Oh yeah, he's only twenty-one! Dude, live! You should be dating Tyra not picking out a tux for the prom. Get in the game and I'm not talking about basketball.
Hairy-looking crash |
Now the funniest thing that happened this week was when the chartered jet for the Knicks revved it's engine on the tarmac and blew Jeff Van Gundy's car away. In a freak accident the team's charter plane lifted Van Gundy's car and sent it hurdling over three other vehicles. Now my question here was not how did this happen or what went wrong but what the hell is Van Gundy doing driving a 1995 Honda Civic. I have a nicer car than that. What a jackass! I wonder if the jet blast could blow those plugs out of his ugly little head. Just a thought.
Some quick notes. Rickey Henderson, bitch, bitch, bitch. You're forty-one, shut up. Art Schlichter you are just a complete idiot. This guy passes up what could have been a great career in the NFL and now faces twenty years in a federal prison. For what, gambling. Loser! Hey Art, I'll give you 10 to 1 that you do at least fifteen years dropping the soap. What do you say...Buckeye?
I feel better now, enjoy or shut your piehole.
Malik Sealy, R.I.P. baby!
5/22/2000
Can He Rebound From This?
By Phardoe
Taking the charge |
... Let's talk about something here, what the hell is up with the whole Dennis Rodman thing? Why is he courted by the NBA
and why do people give a rats-ass about his private life?
Rodman was at one time a talented basketball player, not anymore. Freak show, party of one! He uses the NBA as his own personal playground to abuse.
Last week, twice during a game, twice, he stuck his hands down the front of his pants while the ball was in play, so to speak. He wasn't even penalized.
But to the league's defense, is that a foul? Has anyone ever done that? On the sidelines would be bad
enough but during the damn game? That's a real show of respect. What's next? "Wanna smell my finger?"
Rodman should be permanently escorted out of the game and sent to Bellevue. Besides the slot he's taking up in the
NBA can be filled by a much younger, more talented, tattoo-laden, psycho. I'll be right with you Mr. Iverson.
... Hey Rodman you're paid a lot of money to play a kid's game, play it or just shut your piehole!
![[sportshollywood]](images/psgorilla.jpg) |
Phardoe lives at the beach and can currently be seen on a barstool near you. Feel free to buy him drinks! But beware -- Phardoe is also the loudest, angriest sportsfan who has ever lived. He thinks British soccer fans are sissies. If he starts to get aggressive, just say "Big Unit rocks" or "Sun Devils rule" to calm him, then find the nearest exit. (Or just buy him another beer.)
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