After being out of the loop for a couple of weeks I am proud to say….. I'm back baby!!!
I spent some time down in West Palm Beach trying to figure out just what the hell is going on in the state of Florida. I thought that if I could shed some light on all of this I could put an end to it all. Guess what? No dice! It's nuts down there, the canvassing board people are nuts, the situation is nuts and mostly the two jackasses running for office are nuts. I say we get rid of them and pick two new people to run. How about Dr. J. and Cal Ripken? It can't get any worse.
There were some elections across the country that did involve ex-athletes. Tom Osborne the former Nebraska Cornhuskers football coach posted a lopsided victory in his first bid for Congress, making him one of several sports celebrities to win political elections. A 10-touchdown favorite, Osborne won 81 percent of the vote in Nebraska's 3rd Congressional District. Osborne, 62, retired in January 1998 after leading the Cornhuskers to three National championships in 25 years. The Republicans said he was ready for Congress. I can't believe that he only won three championships! Didn't it seem like they went 11-1 every single year? They just steamrolled people, I hated them. Now we have someone in Congress who knows how to kick some ass! First stop, Strom Thurmond. Just walk up behind him and yell, "BOO!" One guy out of the way! Tommy boy will get some things done. By the way, who the hell is dumb enough to run against a guy who is considered by everyone in the state to be a God? Jackass!
Milwaukee Bucks owner Herb Kohl kept his U.S. Senate seat in Wisconsin. I smell conflict of interest. The Bucks suck so bad maybe he can make it a state law that all visiting teams must lose. It's worth a try. Ex-NFL star Steve Largent and one-time Sooners quarterback J.C. Watts held their U.S. House seats in Oklahoma. Ye-haa! Former Olympian Jim Ryun won re-election to his U.S. House seat in Kansas. Ryun once held the world record in the mile.
Wisconsin, Oklahoma and Kansas are all Bible belt states, nice conservative states electing nice conservative guys. I would like to see a state elect someone a little out there to represent them in Congress. How about Latrell Sprewell for New York. His campaign slogan could be, "Vote for me or I'll choke your ass!" Alabama, Arizona or Texas could elect Charles Barkley. His could be, "Vote for Chuck. I'll out quote you, out charm you, out re-bound you, I'm pretty and I'm a millionaire. If you don't believe me, I'll spit on you!" Finally there's Dennis Rodman, "Vote for me because I'm just crazy enough to do it" or "Vote for Dennis, he had sex with Carmen Electra!"
Also, voters in the Phoenix area approved a measure that would provide most of the money for a $331 million stadium for the NFL's Arizona Cardinals. The result ended speculation that Cardinal's owner Bill Bidwill might move the franchise to another city. Well, well, well, I guess the answer is yes Virginia; there really is a Santa Claus! What are the voters in my home state smoking? I love the Cards but let's face it, they could be playing at the local high school and no one would notice!
Speaking of crazy politicians, nothing can top Jesse Ventura. Not only did he con the people of Minnesota in to voting for him but now he's moonlighting. NBC has tapped Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura for the XFL. Just when we were getting to the point of possibly accepting Dennis Miller on MNF, the new upstart "football league for dummies" has picked that jackass to announce their games. I use the word "games" loosely because in all of the promos I've seen, I've yet to see a player. In the ads run so far, they've shown armored tanks on a battlefield and the inside of a cheerleaders' locker room; none has featured a player -- NBC is aiming more for sensational than sports.
In a world that's dominated by ex-athletes, coaches and color commentators it's hard to envision a sitting governor taking time away from the statehouse to provide commentary. This is the same guy who during his 1998 campaign for governor, said Minnesota should consider legalizing prostitution, possibly with a red light district similar to Amsterdam's. In an interview with Playboy magazine last year he called organized religion a "sham and a crutch for weak-minded people.''
The XFL, a joint venture between NBC and the World Wrestling Federation, opens its 10-game season in February. NBC will broadcast games in prime time Saturdays, generally the lowest-rated night of the week.
Some Minnesota politicians questioned whether Ventura should have accepted
the offer from the WWF and NBC.
"He's clearly using the prestige and the name of his office to enrich himself
financially,'' state Sen. John Marty said. "And even if that's not illegal, I find it very troubling. Where's his loyalty? The loyalty ought to be to the public, the taxpayer,
not people willing to enrich him based on how outrageous he can be.''
Ventura said the new job wouldn't conflict with his gubernatorial duties.
"State offices are closed on Saturdays and Sundays, anyway. I don't traditionally work then,'' he said. "But let's be very clear. In my contract with the XFL, it's clear in the contract that if any time my governor duties are such that I can't make it, that's fully accepted by the league and NBC. Being governor comes first and I don't see it as any major problem.''
Oh come on Uncle Jesse, who are you kidding? I think he's finally realized the fact that he's completely not qualified to govern a state and is settling in on what he's most qualified to do. Run his trap!! Jesse please spare the good people of Minnesota and move on. Although, George W. could probably use you somewhere!
Veteran first baseman Will Clark, who replaced injured slugger Mark McGwire
and helped the St. Louis Cardinals reach the National League Championship Series this past season, announced his retirement today. The "Thrill" is gone!
Magic Johnson returned to Scandinavian basketball Sunday, but his new Danish club looked anything but great. The Magic Great Danes lost 97-68 to Zalgiris of Lithuania in the Northern European League. Hey Magic, you're old and you suck!
The Detroit Tigers, who elected to pay a $250,000 buyout and put him on unconditional release waivers, making him a free agent, declined Hideo Nomo's $5.5 million option. I guess once everyone figured out that funky ass wind-up Nomo was a Nogo!
Paul Westphal was fired Monday as coach of the struggling Seattle SuperSonics. Hey Paul, don't argue with the stars, they always win. If you don't believe me, call Del Harris.
One day after the Cincinnati Reds congratulated Ron Oester on being their next
manager, the third base coach found out in a telephone call from the team's
spokesman that someone else got the job. Uuuuuhhhhh…wrong number!
Patrick Ewing has offered to donate one of his kidneys to Alonzo Mourning if the ailing Miami Heat ever needs a transplant. Now Patrick, didn't your mom ever tell you not to lie?!
Rae Carruth…. you're f***ed.
Ryan Leaf…you're a tool!
But through it all, life is good - Feb. 15th - Voluntary reporting date for pitchers and catchers!
I feel better now!
12/1/2000
phardoe@sportshollywood.com
Catching Up ![[sportshollywood]](images/psgorilla.jpg)
