Shut Your Pie-Hole!

By Phardoe...

I'm here today to bring you up to speed on some of the more pressing issues in the world of sports. We all watch Sportscenter, we all catch the wrap-up at the end of a day of football, but some things just slip through the cracks. Some smaller things slip under the radar. These are the things I dig, I can get scores anywhere. I can do without a daily dose of Kenny Mayne; he's cool but not all the time. I'll break things down for you.

Football: Sean Gilbert of the Carolina Panthers was fined $5,000 for violating the league's dress code - showing too much white on his uniform's socks. What the hell is this? When my team is out there I want their mind on the game not their fashion. I don't give a rat's ass if they even wear socks much less what color they are!

Gilbert said that he knew of the rule and that he had even been warned about his dress code violations. I guess it slipped his mind when he was out there trying to take off peoples heads and win a game. What a selfish jackass! What was he thinking? If all the other guys on the team could go out there, do their jobs and keep their socks up then Gilbert should have been able to as well.

"The uniform police are out before every game," Panthers quarterback Steve Beuerlein said. "They'll come up with things like, this guy's socks are too high or too low, or so-and-so has to get his shirt tucked in," Beuerlein said.

"We literally can be in the middle of talking about a game plan or something, getting all fired up to go out and play, and they will come over and tell us that we'd better pull our socks up or something like that."

Nice motivational speech! How about, "Do good and don't suck?!" Couldn't be anymore damaging to a players focus!

The Titans should be fined every week!

The new and improved version of football, the XFL, had their first draft last week and Scott Milanovich, a 6-foot-3, 220-pound quarterback who played at Maryland and was a bust in the real league, was the first player chosen.

League owner, Vince McMahon (yes, that Vince McMahon) said that this is a new kind of fast-paced, smash mouth football where showmanship is the key. Doesn't he already have the WWF? Isn't enough of one shitty thing, enough? I hate to bear bad tidings but that is not a sport. It's a freakshow soap opera that casts big muscle-bound idiots, plus there's no ball.

McMahon would have you believe that the players in this new league are stronger and faster than guys in the other league and that they can eat glass and low crawl over hot coals! If they are so good why are they not in the other league? Isn't that where all the money and notoriety are?

XFL officials have said the league will play the kind of "smash-mouth football that fans crave" and will use rules changes designed to enhance the action and speed of the game, along with TV innovations that will bring fans "inside the game." To encourage more wide-open offensive play and to keep game times under three hours, the XFL will adopt several rules changes, including eliminating fair catches on punts, requiring only one foot to be in bounds on pass receptions, instituting a 35-second play clock and limiting halftime to 10 minutes. Oh, I gotta watch now! Although I do like that no fair catch rule. It's still mostly made up of no name hacks that couldn't find a home in the mack daddy place to play, the National Football League! If I wanted to watch a bunch of no names I would go down to the local high school. I did say "mostly", there are a few names you may recognize. Casey Weldon from Florida State is there; a runner up in the Heisman and a bust in the NFL only seeing action in 31 games over eight seasons. Alvin Harper is there too. Remember him? A stud in Dallas who went for the buck$ in Tampa Bay and was never seen again. Tommy Maddox was also drafted. He left UCLA early thinking he was ready for the show and sucked all the way to the XFL. Quarterback Jim Druckenmiller was taken number eight in the first round. Heir apparent to Steve Young who made a wrong turn up a girl's skirt, got arrested and then got cut.

After the draft's first 10 rounds, there are 60 more rounds to be conducted over the next two days. The draft continues Sunday and Monday by conference call. Saturday's first 10 rounds were held at a hotel near O'Hare International Airport. That's right s-i-x-t-y rounds to follow. This is all so important that it can be handled on a conference call. I've been in rotisserie leagues that were more organized!

There are eight teams in the new USFL….uh..I mean …XFL and you can choose your favorite team by location or by their snappy new names. League officials have said they wanted to choose team names and identities that best exemplify the city and the league. Here they are……what do you think?

BIRMINGHAM THUNDERBOLTS - Where the hell is Birmingham?

If you're interested in watching, NBC has committed to broadcast regional and national games Saturday nights in prime time from February through April. UPN, the league's other broadcast partner, will air games on Sunday afternoons, beginning with the Los Angeles-San Jose game on February 4th. Four teams make the playoffs and the championship game is April 21 at a neutral site.

Hockey: Let's see if Mike Keenan can screw up the Boston Bruins as rapidly and as effectively as he did the St. Louis Blues.

Baseball: Ken Caminiti, the former NL MVP who left the Houston Astros to enter a substance abuse clinic, accused the team of trying to force him to make a comeback while he was injured. How would he know? He was drunk! "Everybody knows the basic thing I went through in '93, the alcohol abuse and stuff," Caminiti said. "This time around I just relapsed. I just kind of worked my own program and started doing my own thing and it progressed to getting worse and worse and it just ate me up."

What does he mean he worked his own program? Ok, today I'll go play baseball then it's off to the pub for a rigorous round of darts, shooting pool and dozen or so martinis! Rehab is a bitch!

"I have no doubt (about playing next season). My confidence is, I think, higher than it's ever been. I hope I'm not overconfident."

Settle down Beavis! Put down the shot glass then we'll talk!

Basketball: Charles Barkley, "You know the world is going to Hell when the #1 rapper in the world is white and the #1 golfer in the world is black!"

I feel better now!

10/27/2000

phardoe@sportshollywood.com

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Phardoe lives at the beach and can currently be seen on a barstool near you. Feel free to buy him drinks! But beware -- Phardoe is also the loudest, angriest sportsfan who has ever lived. He thinks British soccer fans are sissies. If he starts to get aggressive, just say "Big Unit rocks" or "Sun Devils rule" to calm him, then find the nearest exit. (Or just buy him another beer.)