Shut Your Pie-Hole!

Subway Series

By Phardoe...

Let the rioting begin! Photo by Charles Krupa (AP)
All the talk and all the rage in the world of baseball since the start of the playoffs has been the possibility of a Subway Series. Well here it is ya stinkin' New Yorkers, ya freakin' World Series. Fuhgeddaboudit! The New York Mets and the New York Yankees will meet head to head in the first series of this century. Everyone in the Big Apple is having a shit fit over the fact that no matter what happens, the championship will remain there. Well, it will reside in either Queens or the Bronx but nevertheless it stays in the Rotten Apple. Even The New York Times is giddy. For the first time in memory, the newspaper ran a banner over its masthead, above news of the presidential debate and the Mideast crisis, in red ink, no less. "It's a Subway Series! Yankees Join Mets," the paper proclaimed.

It will be the 14th Subway Series overall, and the first since the Yankees played the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1956. The first ever between these two teams. The Yankees are trying to become the first team to win three straight World Series championships since Oakland in 1972-74. The Mets' last title came in 1986 (Hello Mr. Buckner), when the team starred Dwight Gooden, now pitching for the Yankees.

Now I'm a NL fan but I hate the Mets. I hate the AL (once again, you throw it, you catch it, you HIT it), but I like the Yankees. I don't know what the hell to do. I think I should base my 2000 World Series loyalty on my own personal experiences with each team.

I hated the Yankees while I was growing up but I dig them now.

I've hated the Mets forever.

Advantage - Yankees

The Yankees play in the AL.

The Mets play in the NL.

Advantage - Mets

The Yankees won two of three in Yankee Stadium this year.

The Yankees won two of three in Shea Stadium this year.

Advantage - Yankees

I've been to Yankee Stadium and think it is the quintessential place to see a baseball game. The history and the mystic are overwhelming. I love the organ music and the repeats of the player's last names. Yankees fans are baseball purists and they seem to be the team of the city, even for the transplants. It's in the bustle of the Bronx but somehow seems quiet. Through all of this you never forget where you're at because you can periodically see an above the ground subway train go by in rightfield.

I've been to Shea Stadium. It's a convenient place to go to see the Redbirds play when you live in NYC. It's the place where the biggest error in the history of the World Series happened. Unfortunately for Bill Buckner, that play in this building is the defining moment of his career. The Mets won the big one in 1969 and in 1986. The fans at Shea are different than the ones at "The House that Ruth Built", but they are loyal. They all seem like Queens locals. While celebrating my twenty-sixth birthday at Shea, watching the Cards, I got punched in the face by a security guard.

Advantage - Yankees

The Yankees are owned by George Steinbrenner.

The Mets are owned by….hell, I don't know who owns them!

Advantage - Mets

Joe Torre used to manage the Cards.

Bobby Valentine didn't.

Advantage - Yankees

Torre has hair plugs.

Valentine has as his own hair.

Advantage - Mets

Yankees second basemen can't throw the ball to first.

Mets second basemen can.

Advantage - Mets

Jeter dates hot chicks.

Piazza dates hot chicks.

Advantage - Push

After going through all that, it comes out to be a push. I can't put my finger on an alliance with either team. I'm not predicting anything, the last time I did that I owed a serious golf debt, but I'm thinking maybe the Yankees will pull this thing out. They have the post season experience, but as they say, good pitching equalizes good hitting and the Mets are loaded with strong lefties. I'm back at push!

I think the best way to sort this thing out would be for both teams to play in Central Park. If this is truly a series about one city and its rabid baseball fans it should be played where the people hang, the Great Lawn.

I can set it up. Each team will have a tune-up game to get themselves adjusted to the ins and outs of playing there. The outfield has plenty of holes and the infield has plenty of rocks. For the tune-up game they can play my old team; we won the Central Park league a couple of times and we can hang. We've got Benny behind the plate and Lloyd on the mound. Let's see if their batters can keep their composure when those two hammer out the finer details of their "Beavis and Butthead" routine. We have a few ex-minor leaguers and we have our own secret weapon, Fonzie. He's a cat out in left!

Who needs the giant stadiums and all the pomp and circumstance; let's just play some ball. Plus beer in the park is cheaper, one for $3 or two for $5. We can hammer out this whole championship thing then both teams can join the entire city for beers at the Firehouse on Columbus.

New York, enjoy your series. I'm not sure the rest of the country will watch but like you give a rat's ass about that! I'm curious to see if Clemens will pitch, and bat, in Shea. Maybe Piazza will reach up and bitchslap him. I think the overall mystique could be greater but interleague play ruined that. Whoever wins, Manhattan is going to go nuts. If you need any help on how to riot in the streets after your team wins the big one, just call anyone in Los Angeles.

I feel better now!

10/20/2000

phardoe@sportshollywood.com

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Phardoe lives at the beach and can currently be seen on a barstool near you. Feel free to buy him drinks! But beware -- Phardoe is also the loudest, angriest sportsfan who has ever lived. He thinks British soccer fans are sissies. If he starts to get aggressive, just say "Big Unit rocks" or "Sun Devils rule" to calm him, then find the nearest exit. (Or just buy him another beer.)