Have you ever heard the term "on paper?" Sports broadcasters throw this thing out all the time. For example, "On paper, De La Hoya shouldn't allow Trinidad to go past the sixth round." "On paper, Buckner would never allow a simple grounder to go through his legs."
Well you know what? It happens all the time. In every sport, on everyday, some know nothing team puts it all together, answers the Gods and wins. It's stories like these that Americans love. Ever heard of the Bad News Bears? On paper they were never supposed to win the Little League Championship, but they did. They all had bad attitudes, zero work ethic and a girl for a pitcher. They cursed like sailors and enjoyed drinking beer. They were 10!
This movie was a major influence on my childhood. I loved those guys. Tanner and Kelly Leak were two of my childhood idols. I wanted to be able to swear like they did, Kelly Leak had a motorcycle for God's sake! That was cool! They got no respect from anyone. Their parents didn't like them, their town didn't like them and even their coach, Buttermaker (Walter Matthau), didn't like them. Who cares, who gives a rat's ass, they won, the great BL, scoreboard baby. As a no respect, loser team they got to say, "We kicked your ass!"
For some reason it seems especially gratifying when the underdog wins at the pro level. I'm sick of when a team that's supposed to win actually wins. I love when a hack like Buster Douglas can go into a fight that is so lopsided Vegas won't even put odds on it and dethrone the King. Let's face it, if anyone knew it was going to be a great fight would it have been in Tokyo?
Fat ole Buster strolls into the ring, holds his own for the first nine rounds or so, then as the window opened he proceeded to kick the living shit out of "Iron" Mike. Awesome!
I love when teams like the Seattle Mariners fall down going into the playoffs and kick the hell out of the White Sox. The Mariners did everything in their power to screw up the end of the season and somehow find themselves in the ALCS with the defending World champion Yankees. Everybody talks about Griffey and the things they could have done with him this year but what about the money he freed up that the Mariners used on about four or five other guys to complete the picture and get themselves where they are? No one talks about that. Shhhhhh, Griffey is a star, don't say anything bad about him. Whatever, the Mariners are three wins away from the World Series and Griffey was never close. Hey Ken, how's the golf swing?
What about the Oakland A's? They're out now but it was great for a while. A relatively small market that has spent no cash and they found their way into the post season. The power of an underdog.
I hate when a team defeats the bigger, mightier team and all the talk is about how the mighty team just couldn't put it together, how maybe their run is over and they're just too old. Hey let's hear some props for the team that won baby!
The Atlanta Braves have ruled the NL for the better part of that last decade. This year they go into the NLDS as the "team of destiny", "the team that owns the post season" and they settle in to get the shit kicked out of them by the St. Louis Cardinals. The Cards lit up the stars of the staff, Maddox and Glavine, and went on to sweep the ten little Indian boys 3-0 and out scored them 24-10. Guess what? No props for the Cards, just confusion and pity about the Braves. Hey f*** the Braves. They've had their day in the sun. Move over, there's some new blood coming to town.
Although I hate the Mets and am currently very bitter that they are up on the Cards 2-1 in the NLCS, I have to give them a shout out for beating the Giants, a team that ended the season with the best record in baseball. That's enough about the Mets!!!
What about the Miami Dolphins? After six weeks and no more Jimmy and Danny, they're 5-1. What about the Ravens? After an off-season of exhausting murder trials they're also 5-1. The Raiders and their "Just win baby" attitude are 4-1. The Rams are 5-0 and the Kurt Warner story just keeps getting better and better! What about the Cincinnati Bengals and their…oh…forget it, they still suck!
The beautiful thing about Karma, the most beautiful thing, is that it can turn around and take a serious bite out of your ass. The Chargers traded all kinds of shit to move up in the draft to get Ryan Leaf and he has been a giant bust. Does anybody like this guy? What an asshole! I'll bet his mom is a Raider fan.
The Raiders do have one bad Karma thing going though, it's former Florida State kicker Sebastian Janikowski, who they drafted in the first round. He was the first kicker in 21 years taken in the first round of the NFL Draft and…hey he sucks! This is the pros fatboy, you gotta step-up. Last week in a game against the cross bay rivals, the 49er's, he missed two crucial field goals, one to win the game in regulation and the other to win it in OT. Thankfully for him they won anyway. I thought John Gruden was going to spontaneously combust.
The greatest one lately has to be the motor mouth of Keyshawn Johnson finally catching up with him. You know him, the Wayne Chrebet hating, ex-Jet wide receiver who now plays down in Tampa. The team that started the season out at 3-0 and was a pre-season pick to win it all and now has lost three straight. Karma!
Johnson was a frequent critic of Chrebet when both were with the Jets and even wrote about it in the book "Just Give Me the Damn Ball.'' Johnson disrespected Chrebet again in the week leading to the game matching the then 3-0 teams. The Buccaneers receiver also likened his former teammate to a flashlight and himself to a star.
Well look out because the flashlight was shining bright that day! The "star" only caught 1 pass for a total of 1 yard, while the flashlight caught the game-winning touchdown.
The "star" went on to say, "I can't explain it,'' he said of having just one reception. "How can I explain it? That was the plays we called. We ran the ball. We didn't throw
the ball all that well. I think the rain took us out of our passing game a little bit.''
I'll explain it for you "star", you have a big ass mouth and a bigger ego that no one really cares about except you and maybe Ryan Leaf, so do us all a favor and shut up!
Wait, I came up with one more. This one is a little bit of a throwback. Former Jets star Mark Gastineau was sentenced to 18 months in jail for failing to complete an anger-management course after hitting his estranged wife. I wonder if he did the sack dance?
Gastineau admitted in May that he had violated terms of his probation following a guilty plea to misdemeanor assault in October 1998. He was ordered to spend a year in a treatment center but left after about four months, prosecutors said.
Gastineau's lawyer, Sharyn Stein, asked the judge to give the former defensive lineman another chance to straighten out his life. ``He's a changed man,'' she said. On Aug. 22 (Phardoe's birthday), the 43-year-old Gastineau walked away from the program after threatening another resident.
So let's review the facts: he beats up his wife then is ordered to spend one year in treatment center, while in there he threatens other people then decides he is done and walks after only four months. Oh yeah he sounds like a changed man!
Okay quick parting notes. ESPN is starting to piss me off. Why is it that what was always called a game-winning HR is now called a "walk off HR?" Did they really need to invent a new term? Did FOX Sports "one up" them in the term department?
Also the theme song to Sportscenter used to be my favorite song, now they've changed it, the new one sucks! Give me back my old song!!!
I feel better now!
10/6/2000
phardoe@sportshollywood.com
Underdogs 
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