By Phardoe...

Shaq promised to never reveal my true identity.

Well boys and girls, I've been gone for a little while now and I have to say….it sucked. But I'm back and while I was away I paid very close attention to what was going on in the world of sports.

I watched the miserable NFL season go by with the store bought Baltimore Ravens winning the Super Bowl. What a bunch of crap that was. Trent Dilfer is such a hack that after winning the big game they don't even want him back. Don't even get me started on Ray Lewis. He had nothing to do with it? My ass! How many of you have ever had blood in your car?

I've watched in horror the display of the so-called "extreme" football with its XFL. What a piece of sh** this thing is. Here's the skinny on that. It's not extreme football; it's extreme camera angles. It's like watching a high school game that has cameras on the field. You know what NBC? You tried it, it failed miserably, now lose it! I love football but I can't stomach watching this crap. Plus the last thing that Vince McMahon needs is a larger platform to spew his venom. That guy needs a life transplant.

I've been to Clippers games (starting to like them), I've been to Lakers games (still hate them) and I've been to Kings games (undecided but the seats are great).

I've been to Dodger stadium to see a game against the Giants. I could care less about either team but the tickets were free and the beer was cold.

I witnessed the Cardinals getting swept to start the season then see them rebound to sweep the D-backs.

I've seen fans jump the glass and get in fights on the bench at an NHL game…jackass.

I've seen Pat Croce of the Sixers fire his own brother for stealing cash from Iverson…tool. I've even seen Iverson calm down.

I've seen drug arrest, suspensions, trades and even watched as 2 different teams bid on moving their franchises to the same city. For the impaired that's the Vancouver Grizzlies and the Charlotte Hornets wanting to move to Memphis. Whichever team gets to move, I think the new team name should be the "Elvis's." Think of the marketing avenues!

I've interviewed Dara Torres and the real life Jerry Maguire, Leigh Steinberg. Stay tuned for that one. I'll tell you where the phrase, "Show me the money", really came from. Finally, this past weekend I witnessed something that really got me, something that set me off. Something that festered inside of me so bad that sent me running to my computer. Tiger Freakin' Woods winning the Masters!

I may be in the minority, except for maybe Big Stinky Mike, but I can't stand that guy. I get so sick and damn tired of hearing all the sportscasters fawn all over this guy. I'm sick of him winning. I'm sick of him frowning and acting like a little kid who didn't get his way when he misses a 25-foot putt. It's a long putt a-hole, you can't make them all. He pouts more than Magic Johnson at a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting.

It looks like to me he has absolutely no humility, no sense of being humble whatsoever. He struts around like everyone out there owes him something. It seems to me that he things that he is larger than the game, like the game owes him something. Is he the biggest draw on the PGA right now? Yes, without question. Did he maybe single-handedly bring golf to the level of success it's currently having? Yes, without question. But that is not for him to say. Let the historians say it. Show some class. Is he single handedly responsible for all the hacks going out to the public course and clogging up the tee times and slowing down play? Yes, without question!

But I think the single biggest thing that currently has me pissed is all the talk about the Grand Slam. He owns all four slams right now but in no way does that mean he won the Grand Slam. It's always been, since the inception of the tournaments, that you have to win all four slams in the same calendar year, meaning in the same season, to be considered a Grand Slam winner. He came close but no cigar. Vijay Singh put a damper on that by winning the 2000 Masters. Plain and simple - HE DIDN'T DO IT, IT'S 2 DIFFERENT SEASONS!!!

If an NFL team wins it's last eight games of the season and then has six months off then wins it's first eight games of the new season, do they get to say that they went undefeated? Can they call up the '72 Dolphins and say, "Hey we beat you" NO! If Sammy Sosa gets 60 dings one season then has a bunch of downtime and gets 11 more to start the season can he call Big Mac and say, "I'm the man now?!?" NO! Tiger does currently own all four Majors, all four trophies are at his house but he did not win the Grand Slam. Maybe he will this year, one down and three to go. What he did is remarkable but leave it at that. Don't change the damn rules just because he's Tiger and he almost did it, don't change the rules to accommodate him. And for the love of Christ……stop saying Tigerslam!!!

I feel better now!

12/19/2000

phardoe@sportshollywood.com

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Phardoe lives at the beach and can currently be seen on a barstool near you. Feel free to buy him drinks! But beware -- Phardoe is also the loudest, angriest sportsfan who has ever lived. He thinks British soccer fans are sissies. If he starts to get aggressive, just say "Big Unit rocks" or "Sun Devils rule" to calm him, then find the nearest exit. (Or just buy him another beer.)