"Grip it and RIP it!"

Commissioner John Daly welcomes you to the inaugural season of the XPGA!

"After the amazing success of the XFL, sports messiah Vince McMahon approached me about starting a golf league that would be more exciting and TV friendly. So the XPGA was born!!!

"Unlike the PGA Tour, with strict regulations that have sucked the life out of the sport of golf, the XPGA encourages competition and competitiveness. The game is full-contact, with bonus points for tackling, checking, and regulation 10-second knockouts. There are no pads or face masks, and there's no penalty box.

"Our cheerleaders, the Major Woods, wear only visors and plaid skirts, with no panties. When the camera pans up under them the term '19th hole' takes on a whole new meaning!

"We only pay them forty bucks for each game, so they're desperate enough for cash that fans offering the right number of bills will have a pretty good chance of sleeping with them. And, as I've learned in my years on the tour, never underestimate the power of liquor to seduce a woman!

Ahmad Bateman batters Phil Mickelson between holes (a $500 bonus).

"So a new era in full-contact golf is born! There will be no more hushed crowds enduring 54 holes of monotonous putting, waving, and tipping of visors. The days of polite applause and whispering TV announcers are over!

"Sand traps and water hazards have been replaced by minefields and croc-infested swamps. And 'sudden death' takes on a whole new meaning when tiebreakers are fought out in metal cages surrounding each green, with only one survivor emerging.

"From now on when a golfer holds a club, he should be ready to use it, and golf shoes will be spiked for a reason!"

XPGA Commissioner Daly and owner Vince McMahon would like to welcome everyone to the XPGA 2001 season... and say to 'Nitro' Nicklaus, 'Killer' Kite, 'Death's Head' Duval, and 'Fearsome Fuzzy': "Come out swinging, and let the games begin!!!