OFF HIS ROCKER: John Rocker reported to the Richmond Braves after considering whether to walk away from baseball altogether. And how would he make a living? "I would be a stockbroker, probably," he told WKLS-FM's morning show...
Rocker was sent down to the minors one day after he threatened the reporter who wrote the story in which the Atlanta reliever disparaged gays, minorities and foreigners. Braves officials insisted Rocker's demotion was unrelated to the confrontation...
... Of course, these are the guys who insist their toothy, red-skinned, mascot with a feather on its head is not a stereotype...
So how can you tell if Rocker is your stockbroker? Let's take a look...
He starts crying every time you say the word "trade."
Thinks it's against nature to be "in bed" with an International broker.
Thinks it's bad when S&P Assigns a AAA rating.
Prefers "KKK" to "AAA" rating.
Hears there's a bull market and asks to buy ten pounds of hindquarters.
Hears there's a bear market and still asks to buy ten pounds of hindquarters.
Threatens to kick your ass for even suggesting that you diversify.
All your money is now in "possum futures."
The only way to get him to let you invest in China is to convince him you're talking about Franklin Mint commemorative Elvis plates.
All your money ends up in NASCAR, not NASDAQ.
He puts all your money in "Yahoo!" because there aren't any stocks called "Redneck!" or "Stupid Cracker!"
Thinks "covering your shorts" is something you do in Greenwich Village.
When Wall Street has a rally, he shows up in a white hood.
| He hates New York buses because they're full of minorities? Wait until he gets on a minor league team bus! |
Signs That John Rocker is Your Stockbroker
