"Go for gold! -- We always go the distance."
--Advertisement for a legal brothel in Australia, near the Olympic Homebush Bay venues.

STARTING LINE

For the high-scoring Olympian.

Approximately 25,000 free Ansell Sport condoms were snapped up by athletes staying at Sydney's Olympic village after it opened on September 2...

... What's the degree of difficulty of doggy style, I wonder?

... For those of you that really want to nail your dismount...

... I wonder if they come in packs of five, like the Olympic Rings...?

... Isn't there a ban on performance enhancing substances?

HOLLYWOOD SPORTS

Lugging the Olympic torch during its final legs toward the Olympic Stadium were an assortment of internationally known local celebrities, including actress Rachel Ward and singer Olivia Newton-John...

... I always carried a torch for Rachel and Olivia, now they're doing it for everybody else...

The Sydney games were the lowest-rated Olympics since the 1960's in the U.S...

... So for the next Olympics, network execs plan to have the competition on a desert island where between races, the athletes can only eats bugs and rats...

NBC's coverage of the Sydney Olympics from noon to 6 p.m. on Sunday finished behind Fox's NFL doubleheader and CBS's NFL game...

... At least that gives them the bronze...

SPORTSHOLLYWOOD EXCLUSIVES

BETTY OKINO ON THE PERFORMANCE OF USA GYMNASTICS IN SYDNEY: "Look into the eyes of a champion and you see fire and an undying desire to win. When I looked into the eyes of Team USA, I saw fear. The joy and charisma needed to be on the most competitive floor in the world was nowhere to be found."

READ THE REST AT:
http://www.sportshollywood.com/gymnastics2.html

SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE: "This week some of the Hollywood heavy hitters went in front of Congress and were grilled about violence in films and why the movie industry targeted the violence to teens. But yet in the Olympics if you shoot a gun you get a medal. I live in Los Angeles; I'm surrounded by medalists!"

READ THE REST AT:
http://www.sportshollywood.com/piehole.html

SPORTSASS: "Shakespeare once described peace as "naked, poor, and mangled." If the opening ceremonies in Australia showed us anything of truth, I would say peace has recently received an endowment to buy a new wardrobe and investigate the newest techniques in plastic surgery."

READ THE REST AT:
http://www.sportshollywood.com/sportsass15.html

OLYMPIC NEWS

Tiffany's Brothel, 99 Albion St, Surry Hills. AUD$200-$220 per hour. Payable in gold, silver or bronze.

PUT YOUR SHRIMP ON THEIR BARBIE: Sydney prostitutes are offering customers "Sprints! Relays! and Marathons!" in an advertising drive to cash in on the Olympic Games. One brothel in the Lidcombe area near the Olympic complex insists in an advert in the Daily Telegraph tabloid that it has "gold medal specialists" to entertain clients...

... This is one event where you DON'T want to be too fast...

Athletes staying at Sydney's Olympic village have been told to dispose of their syringes more carefully after two cleaners suffered needle stick injuries...

... On the bright side, the cleaners both grew to 6'8" and 320 pounds...

A team of divers armed with electrical shark repellers will ride shotgun when Olympic triathletes take to the waters of Sydney harbor. The divers will ride their scooters about two meters (six feet) below the triathlete swimmers with the Shark Pod device strapped to their air tanks and ankles...

... Why? Thanks to those sharks this will be the first exciting triathlon in YEARS...

... Is Greg Norman really that much of a threat...?

Brandi Chastain reveals her (world) cup size

Norway won the women's Olympic soccer title when they beat the reigning Olympic and World Champions the United States 3-2 with a dramatic golden goal winner on Thursday...

... Brandi Chastain took it so hard that at the end of the game she put on another shirt...

American Nancy Johnson took home the first gold medal of the Sydney Olympics on Saturday, winning the women's 10-meter air rifle event...

... Australian authorities immediately arrested her for smuggling a firearm through customs...

The Sunday Telegraph reported that the Australian government adopted a tough policy toward any Olympic athlete or official seeking political asylum at the Sydney Games...

... I guess with Gore ahead in the polls, they're worried that there will be defections from the U.S. team...

American sprinter Marion Jones missed her dogs so much that she called them every day from the Sydney Olympics. A friend minding her Raleigh, North Carolina, home would take each call, put the phone to the dogs' ears and they would wag their tails at the sound of Jones' voice...

... Of course they wag their tails while they sniff each other's butts, too, so I wouldn't be too proud if I was Marion...

The head of security for the Sydney Olympics said a reported plot to blow up Australia's only nuclear reactor during the games had been exaggerated and he did not think there was any threat. In an interview with NBC's "Today" show, New South Wales Police Commissioner Peter Ryan, who is in charge of security for the Olympics, said as far as he was aware there was no threat to the nuclear power station or the Sydney games...

... But police are beating Richard Jewell continuously, just in case...

MEN'S SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING

SYNCH OR SWIM: FINA, the governing body of world swimming, took a major step toward approving men for synchronized swimming events, fulfilling the virtually one-man campaign of American Bill May. May, a 21-year-old native of Cicero, N.Y., has bucked FINA's rules limiting synchronized swimming to women. Along the way, he's endured his share of ridicule - much of it stemming from comparisons with Martin Short and Harry Shearer, who starred in a memorable "SNL" skit in the early 1980s as Gerald and Lawrence, the first male synchronized swimmers, displaying hokey routines and longing for the day when men would be accepted in synchronized swimming...

... I still haven't accepted WOMEN in synchronized swimming...

Watch Bill perform here.

SPORTSHOLLYWOOD EXCLUSIVE: HARRY SHEARER RESPONDS

SportsHollywood: Any chance that Gerald and Lawrence will return for the Sydney Olympics?
SHEARER: Obviously, they've got a lot of training to do, since they're not used to a venue where the pool water drains counter-clockwise.
SportsHollywood: Should any performance that requires show tunes really be considered an Olympic sport?
SHEARER: No. Nor any performance that requires the participants to wear makeup.

MORE AT: http://www.sportshollywood.com/askshearer.html

PENALTY BOX

Even criminals took a holiday during the Olympics. Police reported that even though downtown Sydney was packed with up to 500,000 revelers every night, crime across the city has dropped by 20 percent...

... And even when they do rob they only want gold, silver or bronze...

330-pound American shot put world champion C.J. Hunter, husband of gold medalist Marion Jones, tested positive for the banned substance nandrolone...

... He's a 330-pound man going to bed with the fastest woman in the world - he needed performance enhancing drugs for more than a TRACK EVENT...

The Olympics anti-drug chief accused Hunter of providing a "cheap excuse" for a test showing 1,000 times more than the permitted level of a performance-enhancing steroid...

... Are you kidding? He's hired Johnny Cochran -- it's an EXPENSIVE excuse...

... "If there's no drugs in his pee, you must set him free..."

Traian Ciharean, one of two Romanian weightlifters banned from the Olympics after testing positive from steroids, is missing after refusing a plane trip home...

... He's still in the Olympic Village -- he's off steroids now and can't lift his suitcase...

Officials banned the Romanian weightlifting team from the Sydney Olympics after two lifters failed drugs tests...

... They had the classic symptoms: yellow eyes; protruding forehead; thick facial and back hair; and shrunken penis... and that was the WOMEN'S team...

As the Sydney Olympic torch relay passed through the New South Wales town of Maclean on Thursday, a 17-year-old male attempted to douse the flame with a small fire extinguisher. The young man missed the torch altogether, only managing to spray the runner and bystanders before police detained him...

... I hope their archery team has better aim than their demonstrators...

A man also snatched the Olympic torch from former world surfing champion Tom Carroll in the coastal town of Kiama and tried to throw it into the sea on Sunday. The man was wrestled to the ground by the runner and security guards...

... Then Carroll was immediately added to the Australian wrestling team...

China cut 40 athletes and officials from its Olympic team for the Sydney Games for failing drug tests...

... Apparently the government found out they hadn't taken any...

The world's oldest surviving Olympic medallist, 103-year-old platform diver "Harry" Hal Haig Prieste, finally came clean and gave back an Olympic flag that he stole from the Antwerp Games in 1920. "It was no good to me," the American told reporters after basking in the applause at a session of the International Olympic Committee in Sydney. "I won't be able to hang it up in my room 'cos I won't be here...I ain't gonna be around too long," he said after handing the folded flag to IOC president Juan Antonio Samaranch...

... The really depressing thing is that the U.S. diving program is such bad shape that he's STILL rated number one...

YOU'RE OUT

"I did nothing wrong. I just had a cold. I just don't understand why everything has turned out this way."
-- Andreea Raducan who was stripped of her gold medal because cold pills she took contained the banned stimulant pseudoephedrine.

"It finds, in balancing the interests of Miss Raducan with the commitment of the Olympic movement to drug-free sport, the Anti-Doping Code must be enforced without compromise."
-- The Court of Arbitration for Sport, which agreed with the IOC in taking away Andreea's medal.

"We're talking about an aspirin."
-- Romanian Olympic Committee president Ion Tiriac.

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