"James Bond has been called "pornography" since the days of the Fleming novels, so it only makes sense that actual pornographers would try to cash in. All you need is a camera, a broke actress with daddy issues, and the inevitable "agent 69" jokes, and you can become rich!

Jane Bond (1973), also known as The Girl from A.U.N.T.I.E., starred Joan Devlon as a female superspy. "Her mission: to travel to Hong Kong, investigate a heroin smuggling ring, and fuck everyone along the way." It was filmed in San Francisco and Chinatown, who also played Jane's boyfriend. Today it's considered a cult classic, and Alpha Blue Archives has salvaged Jane Bond for posterity on DVD under the tirtle Spy Sex-O-Rama, along with another Devlon film, Agent 69 (1977, 60 Minutes), the story of "a tall and slender brunette who will do anything to get her man." Sadly (or fortunately), the image looks dark and dingy. For porn historians only. After that, they classed Jane up, at least in porn terms: In the mid-1980s, director Jack Remy revived the Jane Bond character for four porn parodies. First up was A License to Thrill starring Heather Wayne. "Jane Bond uses all her counter-intimatelli-gence skills to grapple with the degenerate Dr. Yes and his salacious assistant, Pussy Finger." Jane Bond Meets Thunderballs followed, with Stacey Donovan taking over the title role. Then came Jane Bond Meets Octopussy, starring Amber Lynn (heroine) and Kristara Barrington (villainess). And finally, Amber Lynn returned in Jane Bond Meets The Man with the Golden Rod. Caballero brought back the Jane Bond character in 1988 for a bizarre series finale, Jane Bond Meets Thunderthighs, directed by Henri Pachard. With Eva Allen, Layla LaShell, Megan Leigh, Nikki Randall. In this opus, the superspy battles "350 pounds of pure evil -- Thunderthighs!" and "infiltrates S.M.U.T.R.A. -- a sinister organization bent on world domination"... which actually looks like this:

Denmark's AGENT 69 I SKORPIONENS TEGN (1977), THE SIGN OF SCORPIO in the US, and titled MISSIONE SEXFINGER in Italy, was directed by Werner Hedmann and starred Ole Soltoft, Anna Bergman, Poul Bundgard, and Judy Gringer. In this Danish adult Eurobond, Agent 69 Jensen is on the prowl for a microfilm that's hidden within a loaf of bread. Only problem (or perhaps not a problem): it could potentially be in the overnight bag of any one of five women. This sensuous farce is packed to the gills with catfights, kinky billiards, physical comedy, and all kinds of lesbian encounters.

Adventures Of Barbara Bond, aka: Never Say Never (1994) - Distributor: Sin City Director: Harold Lime, Jane Waters Cast: Kylie Ireland, P.J. Sparxx, Sahara Sands, Sharon Kane, Jon Dough, Jonathan Morgan, Peter North, Tom Byron Description: It's time to call in the big guns. SinCity and Harold Lime present the final solution to moral pollution. Bond's back, Barbara Bond that is, 0069! A 38DD Blonde, blue eyed man-eater with the sexual appetite of a piranha, a boy made for sin, and a dangerously high tolerance the bizarre. As you might of guessed, our girl goes head to head with twisted terrorists, slobbering sodomites, whip cracking lesbians, sex mad scientists with pulsating proves, and its only her first day. Move over, Arnold, Bond's back. The film also features P. J. Sparxx, Sahara Sands, Sharon Kane, Jonathan Morgan, Tom Byron, Jon Dough and Peter North (so by now I think those of you who have read through my various "reviews" of late will recognize some of the "magic words"!!!). Essentially the story revolves around Jane Bond's younger sister Barbara (Ireland) being implanted a device (no extra explanations necessary!) before infiltrating the lair of the evil Doctor Never (Dough) in order to find the mole, and foil Dr Never's nefarious plans. The sex is quite basic but still on its way towards the Y2K: when you've been around long enough, you see the trends and "evolution" of the sexual recipes in porn. Mr North only does one scene in this flick and its a 3-way with Tom Byron and already a major legend at the time, Sharon Kane. But, Jon Dough pulls double duty in this one as well and gets to bang P.J. and Kylie in separate scenes. It is really too bad that the "mandatory" facial finish was not yet a permanent stable in porn in those days because PJ would have looked simply awesome pasted in Dough's dough! Even Peter's plentiful pecker spray only gets to coast Sharon's breasts, but quite magnificently so. So long before this whole post Y2K porn parody craze was the new norm of the triple X formulae, the industry still had fun back in the day to actually write and produce an "original" instead of making porn copies of Hollywood hits. Plus, as everyone knows, the 90s was like a golden era for me, where the action started to get up to speed with the demands of the consumer, but not yet too over-the-top as many would soon discover when the Y2K slowly creeped up on the business! Kylie Ireland looks incredible these days, but she was always quite the incendiary performer and seeing her here, in her "hey day", brought back a few memories. I don't know if Sin City re-released this on DVD nor if it was ever made available in Canada, but for a collector, this is definitely part of porn history worth paying attention to. But to most lover of strictly post 2009 poon, this may actually seem to be too "80s" for their tastes..

Barbara Bond returns.

Adventures of Barbara Bond: Never Say Never Again -- Why did somebody decide to make a porno version of the most reviled Sean Connery Bond film of all time? Well, to be fair... it's not exactly based on the remake of Thunderball. Rather, it's an odd mashup of a few Connery films, plus Kingsley Amis' underrated novel Colonel Sun. The villains are Dr. Never and his bowler-hat-wearing henchman Hand Job. Check out the opening sequence -- including a glimpse of Barbara Bond's naked kick-fighting skills, which put Shatner to shame.

Rod Steele is 007 times two.

Rod Steele 0014: You Only Live Until You Die was released in 2001 with a DVD release date of April 30, 2002. The film is a 93-minute spoof on the James Bond franchise that stars Robert Donovan as Rod Steele, agent 0014. It is sometimes categorized as an erotic comedy, a parody or satirical in nature. The film was written and directed by Rolfe Kanefsky and produced by New Concorde Home Entertainment. The plot of the film centers around Rod Steele trying to save the world from his nemesis Tangerina, played by actress Renee Thompson. Steele accidentally ends up with a device that increases sex drives, leading to many comedic and soft core pornographic scenes. Other stars of the film include Michelle Bauer, John LaZar, Jacqueline Lovell and Gabriella Hall. In fact, this is part of the "Click" series, which may be the most obscure film genre in the history of the medium. Producer Alain Siritzky made SIX--count 'em--SIX movies featuring an electronic gizmo that looks like a combination of a big- screen-TV remote control and an especially complicated cell phone, and when you point and press, everybody in the cast takes their clothes off and has sex.

Rod Steele puts Q out of business.

When Rod Steele reports for duty, cutbacks have affected the secret service so drastically that he's compelled to meet "P" ("O" is not available) in a parking lot, where he's given an array of budget-conscious gizmos like tennis shoes ("to comfort your feet in the event you have to run"), a pen that shoots--ink, a toothbrush, an alarm clock ("so that you won't oversleep"), and, of course, a boxy remote control that fires paralyzer darts. What makes it funny is Robert Donovan, as Rod Steele, Secret Agent 0014, and his dead-on Roger Moore impersonation. William Knight is also hysterical with his stuffy officious English- butleresque "P." And as Steele says on departing, "There's nothing better than having a good P." (Kanefsky never lets a pun go unexploited.) The very funny title sequence has a breathy female Shirley Bassey type singing Rod's theme song ("Protect your giraffe . . . from Rod Steele") while sixties-style silhouette dancers cavort across the screen, Steele does silhouette jumping jacks, and the parody action montage disintegrates into waving hand puppets. The rest of the movie flits back and forth between Prague and Monte Carlo, as Steele and his frequently-disrobed sidekick "Bell," better known as 0013, try to infiltrate the lair of the diabolical Tangerina, first seen lounging Nastassia Kinski-style with an anaconda draped around her nekkid body. Tangerina is brainwashing hookers all over the world and training them to collect the sperm of powerful men so she can clone them into her personal stud army. This is one of those sex-scene-every-ten-minutes made-for- cable specials, but unlike the run of the genre, the dialogue is very funny, and Donovan makes the whole thing work with his addled constipated send-up of Bond. (Rod Steele never removes his tuxedo, even in the shower.) And, by the way, the babes aren't half bad either. Four dead bodies. Fifty-two breasts. Exploding rubber ducky. Alarm clock to the noggin. Beefcake bodyguard sex-toy duel. Multiple aardvarking. Strip Seven-card Stud. Gratuitous Prince of Denmark sex scene. Deadly calliope music. One orgy. Kung Fu. Headbutt Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Elizabeth Danko, for singing the title song "Protect Your Giraffe from Rod Steele"; William Knight, as the fussy low-budget "P"; Robert Donovan, as the goofball James Bond sendup, for saying "I'd like a vodka martini, shaken not stirred, with a touch of lemon and one green olive on a wooden toothpick, preferably imported from somewhere in the orient"; Delphine Pacific, as the under- appreciated Miss Pennyworth, who pours vodka all over her body and says "Drinks are on me"; Michelle Bauer, as the flouncy underpaid Czech bordello madam; Sita Thompson, as the curvy secret agent who screams "I'm pumping answers out of him!"; De'Ann Power, as the cackling villainess with a pet anaconda; Jacqueline Lovell, as the black-leather hottie sent to capture Steele; and Rolfe Kanefsky, for doing things the drive-in way. Four stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

Dick Smothers - already a porn name!

Get Lucky (2004) - Dick Smothers, Jr., -- the actual son of Dick Smothers -- plays Maxwell Smart in this 2004 porn spoof. Secret Agent Maxwell Sharp, code name "Lucky" works with his beautiful spy partner, Agent 69, in an effort to find out who is behind the epidemic of uncontrollable sex taking place between prominent Washington D.C. politicians. Fearing that the next one to be targeted might be the President, Max and 69 must work fast to save the day... or will they too fall victim to a desire to fuck until they drop? Could the evil organization S.C.U.M. be behind this fiendish plot? Then in 2008, Hustler Magazine piggybacked the Steve Carell Get Smart movie with Get Smartass. This time around, Veronica Rayne played "Agent 69." (Pornographers aren't paid to be original.) The evil PENIS organization is out to penetrate the world's top intelligence agency, but before they can neutralize Kuntrol, they have to take one man out -- they have to Get Smartass! Maxwell Smartass is the only man who stands between PENIS and world domination. He and the sexy Agent 69 have to infiltrate PENIS and take out the team of seductresses that are capturing Kuntrol's best operatives -- and they have to work fast, before PENIS is in complete control. Dino Bravo and Veronica Rayne star as Maxwell Smartass and 69, the intrepid spies who must "save the world -- one fuck at a time." Also featuring Kayla Paige, Britney Amber, Eden Adams, Veronica Jett and Envi.

Not "Bond" -- "Blond." Get it?

Jane Blond DD7 (2006): Shaken, stirred, any way you want it but rest assured there are 'cocktails' aplenty in this spy-tale. The spy who loves you as often as you want, Jane Blond, played by Carmen Luvana, dispenses with the tux and opts for a mere suggestion of skintight latex. This is one lady that knows her way around a pistol and has a body to die for, as the evil Doctor Cock (Tommy Gunn) finds out to his cost. Why die another day when you're in the crosshairs of this luscious lady of international intrigue?

The ready-made porn title!

Octopussy: A XXX Parody (in 3-D) (2010) - Question, how do you make a porn parody title when the film is called Octopussy? Anyway, it's in 3-D, and... gulp... Glasses are included!!! The film's sex scenes are shot in POV... and you may want to remove the glasses for the "squirting" shots. Anyway, here's the story: A mortally wounded Agent 009 busts in on Agent Boned and his significant other, Priya Rai, in bed. Agent Bonded recovers a Faberge egg from his deceased colleague, but then has a glass of bubbly with Priya while she soaps her self in a bath. Priya then does some teasing, as in playing with her boobs and showing off her ass. Priya then blows Agent Bonded, starting with the guy's ball-bag and working upwards, adding in some two-handed jerking and even some tit-fucking. Once she's done giving head, Priya rides her partner's body in cowgirl, and after a while she starts squirting. Our hero eventually gets to go balls-deep into Priya's slit, followed by some doggie-style and spoon-style fucking that all ends with a money shot into Priya's mouth. The mystery of the Faberge egg leads Agent Boned to a poker tournament (delivered by Krissy Lynn in a non-sex role), but first, Agent Boned has to get fitted for a new suit. The tailor, Aletta Ocean gets turned on while measuring the dude. (Her accent is a nice touch for a spy-oriented flick). Aletta pulls out his pocket pistol, which earns him a standing blowjob, with Ms. Ocean steadily working the agent's woodie. Our couple takes the oral copulation to a nearby couch. Aletta later ends up on her back, pulls her legs backhand gets boffed in missionary. Aletta seems to enjoy the old boner bounce a la cowgirl, as well as getting her ass pumped via spoon-style anal, all or which ends with a discharge of ball-batter into Aletta's mouth. After getting his attire, Agent Boned attends the poker tournament, and gets to sit next to Francesca (Phoenix Marie). Eventually, the contest comes down to the two of them, and as expected, Her Majesty's Secret Service wins out. But hey, Phoenix is feeling frisky, and so she seduces Agent Boned, starting with a side profile blowjob with a good amount of deep-throating. Phoenix changes over to a front profile POV style blowjob, and knows how to gets one's attention with the way she swirls her tongue around the head of a guy's cock. In due course, Phoenix gets on top to get fucked in cowgirl and reverse cowgirl, which elicits some occasional dirty talk. Phoenix alternates riding that rocket at fast and slow speeds, and forward and back. Phoenix later gets fucked in doggie-style, starting out with some vaginal poking, and progressing to some butt-fucking. Phoenix also gets banged in missionary until her lover creams in and on her pussy. As a result of his recent hook-up, Agent Boned gets his hands on a Faberge egg. (Or is it the previous egg?) He returns to his place to find Octopussy (Audrey Bitoni) and her associate (Dylan Riley) tossing the place. The villainess indicates that she will anything to get her Faberge egg back (oh, so that's the connection), so you know the drill. Both ladies make out, and then Dylan licks Audrey's clam while Agent Boned looks on. But after a while, Agent Boned gets in the mix, and the ladies soon have their mouths and hands on the guy's one-eyed monster. Dylan turns in some decent head, but Audrey definitely shines here (in my humble opinion), starting off slowly, and giving a generous amount of eye-contact. Audrey is the first one to get fucked, riding the super-agent's sword in cowgirl while Dylan sits on our hero's face. The women eventually change places, with Dylan riding the guy's dong. The action soon changes to a POV shot, with Agent Boned sticking it to Octopussy first while she licks her associate's pussy. Interesting enough, that sequence is shot from Dylan's perspective, as if she was the one with the camera. Of course, Dylan eventually gets her tuna-tunnel probed, and the scene ends with Agent Boned discharging his "side-arm" onto the womens' faces.