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AIRMAIL
SAMPLE: DECEMBER, 1999 The Comedy On Tap Daily Newsletter
... The last time Clinton made a decision about where to put a Cuban he was impeached... AND A PARTRIDGE IN A DOUM PALM TREE: "AL, YOU IGNORANT SLUT": Polls are showing that despite weeks of televised political debates between Al Gore and George W. Bush, most Americans still know little about the men who are running for president and even less about some of the issues being debated... FORMER COKE-HEAD: Coca-Cola chairman M. Douglas Ivester announced that he is retiring after only 2½ years on the job... POLITICS "I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE(WATER) CHRISTMAS": Hillary Rodham Clinton opened the White House Christmas season by accepting an 18½-foot noble fir Christmas Tree as a youth choir sang "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas"... President Clinton then lit the National Christmas tree and led a sing-a-long of carols with Santa Claus and Las Vegas showman Wayne Newton... President Clinton said he's not looking forward to a commuter marriage when his wife moves to New York to run for the U.S. Senate... NO ROOM AT THE INN: President Clinton then flew to Seattle, where police had to seal off the hotel Wednesday where he was staying during the World Trade Organization meetings... SPORTS (BROUGHT TO YOU BY SPORTSHOLLYWOOD)
... So he won't be playing professional basketball for two months -- just like all the other Nets... GOLDEN (STATE) PARACHUTE: Coach P.J. Carlesimo, whose tenure at Golden State was marked by the Latrell Sprewell choking episode two years ago, has been fired by the Warriors... ... It's bad enough with Latrell, but now the whole team's choking... DEAD, DIVORCED, MARRIED, IN JAIL OR PREGNANT CAN YOU WIN AN OSCAR FOR ACTING CRAZY? Anne Heche was admitted to a Fresno, California, hospital on Saturday. This occurred hours after her breakup with Ellen DeGeneres, when Heche left their residence and walked about a mile to a rural home in Cantua Creek, where she made bizarre statements to the occupants... ... Ellen was doing the same thing last night, but that's just her regular comedy routine... TASTELESS: For men in France, obtaining a vasectomy has long been all but impossible, thanks to a 200-year-old Napoleonic law prohibiting self-mutilation. Now, a new cross-channel "vasectomy tourism service" set up by a British sexual health charity, is targeting Frenchmen with the offer of a vasectomy for $300 at one of its clinics in London or Ashford -- both stops on the Eurostar rail line from Paris -- and the suggestion the operation be incorporated into a day trip to Britain... ...Fish & Snips?...
COMEDY ON TAP'S TODAY IN HISTORY
BIRTHDAYS
In 1976, tennis pro Jennifer Capriati was born... ... Judging by her arrest record, she must prefer to play tennis on grass... In 1847, Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, was born... ... That name would develop a familiar ring to it... ... It must to have been a pain to dial a phone in Boston and then have to drive to Salem to answer the call. TODAY
In 1933, Mount Rushmore, honoring Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, & Teddy Roosevelt, was dedicated. It was completed on October 31, 1941... ... There was talk of adding Clinton, but carving two faces proved too challenging... ... Most of the blasting was done, but they still had to sit around and pick at their noses for another eight years... In 1994, Chesty Love, an exotic dancer, legally claimed her surgical breast implants as a business expense... ... Before that she paid a flat tax... In 1998, a U.S. district judge declared the presidential line-item veto law unconstitutional... ... That meant that President Clinton had to put the line "love and obey" back into his marriage vows... WHAT? For the second year running, a Polish woman has outscreamed 300 competitors from four countries to take the top prize at Europe's only vocal noise competition. Dagmara Stanek let out a sustained scream rated at 126.1 decibels, a volume comparable to the sound produced by a pneumatic hammer... ... And her husband STILL pretends that he doesn't hear her... SAMPLE: MARCH, 2002 The Comedy On Tap Daily Newsletter
... The good thing about Princess Leia is you don't have to change her name in a porno movie... ... Viewers are encouraged to use their "Han Solo" as they watch... ENRON UPDATE FULL DIS-CLOTHES-URE: Playboy magazine announced it wants to publish a "Women of Enron" issue, and hundreds of current and former Enron employees have contacted the magazine to find out more about possibly becoming a nude model... ... A lot of people lost their shirts with Enron -- might as well lose everything else you have on... NAKED GREED: BARE MARKET: The Chicago-based adult magazine is inviting Enron women, past and present, to send snapshots of themselves clad in bikinis if they wish to appear in the upcoming "Women of Enron" issue... WHISTLEBLOWER'S NAME WILL BE UP IN LIGHTS -- IF THERE ARE STILL LIGHTS: Artisan Entertainment has acquired the rights to Enron whistleblower Sherron Watkins' life story as well as the rights to "Power Failure," her book about the energy trader's meltdown. Artisan is best known for the low-budget horror smash "The Blair Witch Project"... ENTERTAINMENT MEG-A WEDDING: Meg Ryan has obtained a restraining order against a man who broke into a Malibu house in January, claiming to be her husband. John Hughes, 30, pleaded no contest to trespassing and is due back in court on Monday... ... When he stalks a person across the country and claims they're soul-mates, it's called "breaking and entering" -- when she does it, it's called "Sleepless in Seattle"... SHE'LL BE A MODEL MOTHER: British supermodel Kate Moss, one of the world's most photographed women, has revealed she is pregnant with her first child... ... I bet the child already outweighs her... SATURDAY FLIGHT FEVER: John Travolta spent over $84 million on a 440-seat jumbo jet from Australian airline QANTAS. The star will use the Boeing 747 to fly to film premieres around the world. The 47-year-old has been obsessed with airplanes since childhood, and even named his nine-year-old son Jett... ... Let's hope his next kid isn't named Crash... MORE "RAW" FOOTAGE: Eddie Murphy is negotiating to star in Disney's "Haunted Mansion," a feature based on the popular Disneyland attraction... ... The movie will be better than the ride in one respect -- you won't have to stand in a long line to get in... SPORTS (BROUGHT TO YOU BY SPORTSHOLLYWOOD)
... With all his concussions, he doesn't remember it as much as he thought he would, either... DEAD, DIVORCED, MARRIED, IN JAIL OR PREGNANT DOES THIS MARRIAGE LICENSE FOLLOW THE PENAL CODE? John Wayne Bobbitt, who made national headlines after his then-wife Lorena was charged with cutting off his penis, remarried Saturday on his 35th birthday. Bobbitt married Joanna Ferrell, 31, during a short 30-minute ceremony at the Little Church of the West in Las Vegas... Bobbitt was thrust into the national spotlight in 1993 when his wife was charged with cutting off his penis while he slept. Lorena Bobbitt was found innocent by reason of insanity... After the trial, Bobbitt made a number of adult films...
COMEDY ON TAP'S TODAY IN HISTORY
BIRTHDAYS
In 1962, Rosie O'Donnell was born... ... Ah, the good old days -- before she could speak... In 1944, Timothy Dalton, the fourth James Bond, was born... ... He's 0058... In 1962, actor Matthew Broderick was born... ... Just like all of his line readings, the delivery was late... TODAY
In 1891, a Hatfield married a McCoy, which ended a long family feud in West Virginia between the families. The feud started with an accusation of pig-stealing and it lasted 20 years. Outsiders claimed at least a half-a-dozen vicious murders... ... Still, I'll bet they fought more AFTER they were married... In 1999, writer Salman Rushdie has had surgery on his eyelids to correct a condition making it increasingly difficult to open his eyes... ... He should stop trying to read his novels...
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