THE EXORCIST SQUAD

FADE IN:

EXT. LOS ANGELES – OLIVERA STREET – NIGHT

We witness Dia De Muertos (Day of the Dead) festivities, when in Mexican folklore the dead return to enjoy their favorite foods and amusements with the living. Skeleton puppets and death’s head masks are everywhere. Children race about with sparklers and firecrackers as everyone welcomes the souls of the departed with food, singing and laughter. Candles and lights are strung everywhere, giving the area an unearthly glow, where it seems that anything could happen.

SUPERIMPOSE TITLE: LOS ANGELES – OCTOBER 31, 1950

We PAN to Union Station – where something unearthly is about to happen...

INT. UNION STATION – MAIN HALL

The station is nearly empty, save for a few derelicts and overnight travelers resting on benches. In direct contrast to the outside celebration, it is eerily quiet – each cough or footfall ECHOING off the walls. The CAMERA MOVES down the main hall to the tracks, where the music and happy shouts of the celebration can still be heard outside. A train pulls up to the station, STEAM filling the air.

INT. TRAIN

The last run of the night. The compartment is nearly empty as a CONDUCTOR tiredly walks through the train, rousing the few passengers who are asleep in their seats.

CONDUCTOR

This stop Los Angeles. Union Station. Come on folks, time to wake up. Put on your shoes, we’re at grandma’s house. Let’s go…

The Conductor ushers the last sleepy passenger off the train, pulling a small flask from his pocket and taking a much-needed swig. He doesn’t notice as behind him a hellish RED GLOW begins to emanate from outside, illuminating the steam as it rises past the windows. Putting the flask back into his pocket, the Conductor turns to see ADOLF HITLER step onto the train. Hitler looks around confused, then tries to appear inconspicuous as he takes a seat.

CONDUCTOR

That’s the scariest costume I’ve seen all night, pal, but if I were you I’d stay out of the Fairfax district.

ADOLF HITLER

(doesn’t understand English – points to watch)

Warum lauft diese Serie nicht rechtzeitig?

CONDUCTOR

(to himself)

Hollywood – goddamned method actors.

(to Hitler)

Don’t give me any guff, or I’ll goose-step you right out onto the pavement, pal. Where’s your ticket?

ADOLF HITLER

(gesturing angrily about him)

Berlin ist abwarts in meine Abwesenheit gegangen!

CONDUCTOR

That’s what I thought. Let’s go, buddy – no ticket, no ride, mein deadbeat.

The Conductor grabs Hitler by the collar, leading him toward the exit as NERO and VLAD THE IMPALER step onto the train. Dressed in native, period dress, they inspect their surroundings curiously – they’ve obviously never been on a train before. Seeing Hitler they wave and smile, the Conductor groaning.

CONDUCTOR

Never fails – last train of the night…

(addressing them all)

Look, I don’t know if this is a fraternity prank or what, but you guys picked the wrong night, the wrong train, and the wrong guy to mess with. Anyone who doesn’t have a ticket, doesn’t go to Oxnard.

As the Conductor speaks a CLOAKED FIGURE (who we’ll come to know as MINOS) RISES slowly behind him. Hitler, Nero and Vlad’s eyes go wide, unable to hide their fear. Seeing their terrified expressions, the Conductor turns, gasping when he sees Minos towering over him.

CONDUCTOR

Er… Do you have a ticket?

Minos pulls back his hood, revealing a RED, HORNED DEMON’S FACE underneath. Stunned, the Conductor steps back, then lets out a laugh.

CONDUCTOR

Jesus, you scared me.

(to the others)

Now that’s a costume. You guys should take notes.

(to Minos)

Nice outfit, but the party’s outside, fella.

Minos just stares down at him. Getting irritated, the Conductor notices movement beneath Minos’ robes, as though something is hidden underneath.

CONDUCTOR

All right. Enough with the games. What are you hiding under those robes?

The Conductor starts to reach for the robes, Hitler, Nero and Vlad all grabbing his arm, shaking their heads violently.

CONDUCTOR

Hey! Hands off! I am a sworn employee of the Union Pacific Railroad. Interfering with my duty is a federal offense… I think. So back off!

The Conductor jerks his arm out of their grasp. He once again reaches for Minos’ robes – Hitler, Nero and Vlad all backing away slowly. Grabbing the robes he throws them open to reveal the HIDEOUS FACES of dozens of lost souls SHRIEKING at him. The spirits BURST FREE, flying around the train car as Minos’ robe falls away, huge BAT-LIKE WINGS sprouting from his back. The Conductor’s eyes bug out of his head – while Hitler, Nero and Vlad give him ‘we tried to warn you’ shrugs.

INT. UNION STATION – MAIN CONCOURSE

The hellish RED GLOW spreads from the track area as the Conductor races through the main concourse toward the exit. He screams in terror as the wailing souls DART about the room – Minos FLYING above them. A DERELICT awakens on one of the benches, glancing up at all the commotion.

DERELICT

This station has really gone to hell...

CUT TO:

EXT. UNION STATION – NIGHT

Police cars have surrounded and barricaded the station, lights flashing. Dozens of frightened cops take cover behind their vehicles, all keeping a wary eye on the front entrance of the station. A YOUNG COP turns to the OFFICER IN CHARGE, speaking impatiently.

YOUNG COP

Why’re we just sitting here, sarge? We’ve got half the force out here – there’s enough firepower to…

OFFICER IN CHARGE

Guns won’t do any good. This calls for real firepower.

YOUNG COP

Real firepower? Like what?

Everyone turns as a shiny black 1950 Mercury Coupe pulls up. They watch as five men climb out. Looking like they’ve been rousted out of bed, they wear rumpled clothes – a few still wearing pajamas under their coats. They’re led by SPENSER COLLINS, a grizzled Irish detective (who looks a lot like Sean Connery in ‘The Untouchables’). He yawns, scratching himself unselfconsciously as he surveys the situation. The Officer In Charge grins at the Young Cop.

OFFICER IN CHARGE

Like them.

(approaches Collins)

Sergeant Collins, thanks for coming. It’s the worst I’ve ever seen. Three officers are down. Only one poor bastard managed to get out…

The Officer in Charge nods to the shaken Conductor, who sits in the back of an ambulance, shaking uncontrollably as he speaks to another officer.

CONDUCTOR

It was horrible! Demons… screaming… wings… flying… trying to go to Oxnard… no tickets! No tickets! My God in Heaven they had no tickets!!!

The Conductor breaks down, sobbing uncontrollably. Collins looks to the Officer In Charge, who is obviously shaken.

COLLINS

Don’t worry. They’re going to a much worse place than Oxnard.

Collins opens the trunk of the car, he and his men arming themselves: crucifixes, vials of Holy water, and Bibles. Collins takes a swig from a bottle of whiskey. Noticing the Officer In Charge’s dubious expression he shrugs, making up an explanation.

COLLINS

Holy Communion. Before battle.

OFFICER IN CHARGE

We called the local Bishop, but he needs Vatican approval before he can do anything. Plus he has an early golf game.

(earnestly)

I’ll pray for you.

Collins tosses the bottle into the trunk. He smirks confidently as he and his squad starts toward the main entrance of the station.

COLLINS

Pray for the Bishop’s golf game – it’s terrible.

Collins leads his men through the main entrance into Union Station. The Young Cop steps up to the Officer In Charge in disbelief.

YOUNG COP

Are they nuts? They can’t just waltz right in there. They’ll be torn to bits!

INT. UNION STATION – MAIN CONCOURSE

The place is a madhouse. Minos floats in the air, presiding over a true day of the dead. Evil figures from mankind’s history are everywhere, looting the newsstand, fighting, laughing – thrilled to be anywhere but where they were. The squad enters, Collins removing the stub of a well-chewed cigar from his pocket and lighting it with a silver Zippo. Taking a deep hit, he holds up the crucifix in one hand and his badge in the other, calling out over the din:

COLLINS

All right. What's all this, then?

(reciting unemotionally)

I command you in the name of all that is good, all that is holy, and section 2438 of the California Civil Code to cease and desist.

The spirits all stop and look at him like he’s nuts. There is a brief pause… and then Minos SWOOPS down at Collins with a guttural ROAR, signaling all the lost souls to attack. The squad members hold their ground, a grin spreading across Collins’ face.

COLLINS

I love this job.

EXT. UNION STATION

The cops cover their ears as a cacophony of DEAFENING SHRIEKS echo from inside the station. BRILLIANT FLASHES OF LIGHT strobe from the windows, while violent TREMORS shake pieces of plaster from the exterior walls. The Young Cop yells to be heard over the din.

YOUNG COP

We’re all gonna die! It’s the end of the world! It’s Hell on Earth…!

As the FLASHING LIGHTS and TERRIBLE SOUNDS from the station reach a crescendo we…

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. LOS ANGELES – NIGHT

Present day. Los Angeles has changed. The sounds of people shouting, car horns honking, and police and news helicopters fill the smoggy air. The festive Halloween and Day of the Dead decorations we saw in 1950 have been replaced by trash and graffiti. Porno magazines and singles registers fill the newspaper machines. Homeless people beg on the street.

SUPERIMPOSE TITLE: LOS ANGELES – OCTOBER 31, 1999

We find ourselves outside a police precinct. Built sometime in the 40’s, and upgraded sporadically through the years, this is the type of building the city doesn’t bother to earthquake retrofit because it’ll be cheaper to just rebuild it after it falls down.

INT. POLICE PRECINCT – SQUAD ROOM

DYLAN McKEE pours himself a cup of thick, black police station coffee. A boyishly handsome detective in his early thirties, Dylan’s red hair and open, honest features make him look more like a choirboy than a cop. He glances up as a couple of DETECTIVES approach.

DETECTIVE #1

You’re McKee, right?

DYLAN

Yeah. Dylan McKee. Why?

The two Detectives exchange uncertain looks.

DETECTIVE #1

We heard you were in charge of the… ‘Exorcist Squad’?

DYLAN

(bristles)

‘Paranormal Operations Unit’. ‘Exorcist Squad’ is a nickname. We don’t like to be called that.

DETECTIVE #2

We’ve got a case, came in about an hour ago. Weird shit. We didn’t know what to do, then somebody mentioned you…

DETECTIVE #1

They said you know how to handle this kind of stuff.

Dylan stirs sugar into his coffee, unimpressed.

DYLAN

If it’s really weird call the tabloids, make a few extra bucks.

DETECTIVE #2

Come on, man. This is serious. It is your job, right?

About to take a sip of his coffee, Dylan stops, frowning at them.

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE PRECINCT – HOLDING CELLS – NIGHT

The Detectives lead Dylan down the row of cells, where inmates are crowded inside. The prisoners stand at the bars, shouting and hollering at the cops as they move past, heading to a series of isolation cells.

DETECTIVE #2

A couple of uniforms cornered it downtown. It was pretty violent, so we figured we better keep it away from the other prisoners until you could check it out.

Dylan is skeptical as they stop before a stark white door. Detective #1 opens a small window at eye level, nodding for Dylan to take a look.

DETECTIVE #1

We turned the overheads off because it didn’t like the light.

Stepping to the door, Dylan peers through the window. Squinting into the dark, he sees nothing… until a figure BRUSHES past the door. Something scrapes against the window – was that a huge wing? Dylan looks to the Detectives, surprised.

DYLAN

What the hell…?

DETECTIVE #1

Somebody’s got to go in there. You’re the only one who’s trained in this sort of thing.

Dylan thinks a moment, obviously hesitant to go inside the cell. He looks at the Detectives, who stare at him expectantly. Finally he nods.

DYLAN

Okay, open it up.

Detective #1 pulls a key ring from his pocket, unlocking the door with a loud KA-CHUNK. He opens the door, motioning to Dylan, who takes a deep breath as he steps inside.

INT. POLICE PRECINCT – ISOLATION CELL

As he enters the cell, Dylan turns to say something to the Detectives…

DYLAN

Keep the door open a…

… just as the door closes, cutting off all light from outside.

DYLAN (cont.)

… crack. Thanks.

The room is pitch black – until the small window in the door slides open, the two Detectives’ faces appearing anxiously. Taking a moment for his eyes to adjust, Dylan stands still, peering into the darkness.

DYLAN

Uh, hello? Anyone… anything… there?

He flinches at a RUSTLING sound in the darkness. There’s something here, alright. Voice cracking nervously, Dylan fails at his attempt to sound strong and forceful.

DYLAN

My name is Dylan McKee, head of the Paranormal Operations Unit of the Los Angeles Police Department. If you are… what these guys think you are… then by the power vested in me by the Lord God Almighty and the county of Los Angeles I hereby order you to leave this Earthly plane.

(listens… nothing)

Okay?

Suddenly a deep, rumbling ROAR comes at him from across the cell, the sound of which can only be described as unholy. Unnerved, Dylan turns to the door, pounding on it as he pleads with the Detectives through the small window.

DYLAN

Okay, I’m ready to go! You can let me out now! Open the door, guys!

Just then the overhead lights BLINK ON, Dylan turning to face the demon…

… Who is a drunk, potbellied middle-aged man wearing a cheap red devil costume. Complete with horns, pointy tail and a cape, the DRUNK grins at Dylan, covering his mouth sheepishly.

DRUNK

‘Scuze me.

Furious, Dylan turns back to the window, where he can see the Detectives laughing at him hysterically.

DRUNK

(slurring)

This is the worst Halloween party I ever been to. Everyone’s dressed like cops!

DYLAN

(slumps against door)

I hate this job.

CUT TO:

EXT. DOWNTOWN CITY STREET – NIGHT

A police car is parked at the curb in a seedy neighborhood, Officer GORDON CRUMLY sitting inside. In his mid-thirties, Gordon has the weary, seen-it-all-and-doesn’t-care-anymore look of a guy who’s lost interest in his job. He sips a styrofoam cup of coffee, reading the newspaper when the police radio CRACKLES to life, the DISPATCHER’s voice causing Gordon to jump, spilling his coffee.

DISPATCHER

(over radio)

All units: We have a robbery in progress at the corner of Olympic and Figueroa. All available officers please respond.

Cursing under his breath, Gordon picks up the radio mike as he wipes the coffee off his lap.

GORDON

Dispatch, this is unit thirteen. My partner is currently in pursuit of a dozen suspects and I can’t leave the scene. Over.

Just then Gordon’s partner, ROGER, climbs in the passenger door. Gordon waves the newspaper disgustedly.

GORDON

Did you see this garbage? The mayor says LA cops are the most corrupt, lazy police force in the country. I swear, the guy hates cops more than Johnnie Cochran. Did you get ‘em?

Roger holds up a twelve pack of beer.

ROGER

You owe me six bucks.

GORDON

What? They actually charged you for it? What’s this neighborhood coming to when a cop can’t get a little free beer while on duty…?

ROGER

Not for the beer, dumbass. For your lotto tickets.

A HISPANIC BOY in gory Halloween make-up suddenly appears at the driver's window, speaking anxiously. Gordon jumps, spilling his coffee again.

HISPANIC BOY

Hey, police. My mother sent me to ask you to check on our neighbor. We think he’s dead.

GORDON

(grumbling – wiping off lap)

Dead, huh? What makes you think that?

HISPANIC BOY

He told us he was.

Gordon and Roger look to each other, confused, as we...

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING – HALLWAY – NIGHT

The Hispanic Boy leads Gordon and Roger down the hallway. People peer through cracks in their doors as the boy stops before a closed apartment.

HISPANIC BOY

This place here.

Gordon knocks on the door, calling out.

GORDON

Sir? Police officers. Everything all right in there?

As soon as he knocks on the door, the tenants watching them all close their doors in fright. The BOY’S MOTHER appears in the doorway behind them, motioning to her son.

BOY’S MOTHER

Enrique! Get inside and let the police officers do their job.

The Hispanic Boy hurries into the apartment. The Boy’s Mother looks to Gordon, waving him toward the apartment across the hall.

BOY’S MOTHER

Hurry up, before he gets away!

GORDON

Gets away? I thought he was dead.

BOY’S MOTHER

Exactly.

She presses something into Gordon’s palm as she hurries back into her apartment. He opens his hand to reveal a small gold cross on a chain.

GORDON

If this is some Halloween prank I swear to God…

Gordon stoops down, peering through the mail slot in the door. He immediately recoils at the smell – gagging, eyes watering, trying to catch his breath.

GORDON

Holy…! Jesus, Roger – it smells worse than your place. I’m not going in there. It’s your turn.

ROGER

No way! I’m not going – I got the beer.

They stare at each other, at a stand-off.

ROGER

Police procedure?

GORDON

Police procedure.

(pulls a coin from his pocket)

Call it in the air.

ROGER

(as Gordon flips the coin)

Heads.

Both men watch as the coin hits the floor.

GORDON

Two out of three.

Roger opens his mouth to protest – both men freezing when they hear a strange, unearthly GROAN from inside the apartment.

ROGER

What the hell was that?

Exchanging looks, they draw their guns.

INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM

Gordon and Roger BURST through the door, stumbling over a couple day’s worth of mail under the mail slot. The only light in the room is the blue glow of the TV, which plays a religious program. The corpse of a dead old man sits on the couch as though watching the show. Both men wince at the stink.

ROGER

Sometimes dead bodies make weird noises when they let out gas.

GORDON

(grimacing, waves at air)

That’s a definite possibility…

Turning on a lamp, Gordon opens a window, which we see overlooks the entrance to Union Station. Covering his mouth and nose with a handkerchief, Roger inspects the body.

ROGER

Yup. No breath, no pulse, and he's gone rig-mo. Looks like he’s been dead a couple days at least.

GORDON

Turn off the TV. I can’t stand that hell and damnation shit.

Disgusted, Roger plucks the remote from the man’s stiff hand and switches off the television.

ROGER

Listen, the way I see it, you lost the coin toss, so you should write the report…

Suddenly the dead old man LURCHES to life, grabbing Roger by the wrist. Snatching the remote from his hand, he BACKHANDS Roger viciously, sending him flying across the room where he lands in a heap. When the dead old man speaks it’s with a thick Irish brogue – we realize it’s Spenser Collins, now fifty years older and, well, dead.

COLLINS

What’s all this, then?

(turns TV back on with remote)

No one touches my goddamn remote.

Gordon draws his gun, shocked.

GORDON

Freeze! Don’t move or you’re… dead…

His voice trails off as Collins turns to him, flesh hanging from his face, staring with milky, lifeless eyes. Unsure what to do, Gordon digs in his pocket, pulling out the cross the Boy’s Mother gave him. Collins stares at it a moment, then begins to chuckle.

COLLINS

You’ll need more than that dinky thing, boy. He’s coming. And he’s bringing all of Hell with him.

(turning back to the TV)

Just in time for the new fall season.

Collins stares at the TV, engrossed in the show. Gordon holds the cross in front of him, stepping forward cautiously.

GORDON

You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you…

But Collins isn’t moving. He just gazes at the TV, once again a lifeless corpse. Gordon grabs an umbrella from a stand, poking Collins with it gingerly. No reaction. Gordon lowers his gun, still breathing heavily.

GORDON

Who the hell am I supposed to report this to?

CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING – NIGHT

Later. Squad cars are parked in front of the apartment building, lights STROBING red and blue as two coroners’ assistants wheel Spenser Collins’ body to their waiting van. The COPS in charge of traffic control turn as a beat-up 1950 Mercury approaches, belching exhaust and BACKFIRING loudly. They motion the car to stop, stepping to the drivers side.

COP #1

Whoa there, pal! You can’t come through here. Crime scene.

Dylan sticks his head out the window, holding up his badge.

DYLAN

It’s okay, I’m a cop.

Surprised, the Cops wave him through. They watch as the car lurches and hiccups past.

COP #2

That guy was a cop? What department?

COP #1

With a car like that? Must be Internal Affairs.

They laugh as Dylan parks the Mercury, which SHAKES and RATTLES as it diesels to a halt. Climbing out of the car, Dylan calls to a nearby Cop.

DYLAN

Gordon Crumly?

The Cop points to an ambulance parked near the building entrance, Dylan starting toward it.

EXT. AMBULANCE

Gordon stands at the rear of the ambulance as paramedics help Roger inside. Head bandaged and arm in a sling, Roger looks like he’s just scored a couple months worth of desk duty.

GORDON

You’ll be okay, Rog. A broken collarbone’s nothing. Maybe while you’re in the hospital you can have ‘em suck some of the fat out of your ass, get the department to foot the bill.

Roger nods vaguely as the paramedics close the ambulance doors. Gordon’s smile fades, even before he turns to find himself face to face with Dylan.

DYLAN

You must be Gordon Crumly.

GORDON

Must I?

DYLAN

Afraid so.

Gordon starts for the apartment building, Dylan following.

GORDON

This night just keeps getting better.

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING – LOBBY

Gordon and Dylan enter the lobby, where curious tenants watch as the police finish their work. Pulling a pack of cigarettes from his pocket, Gordon puts one in his mouth.

GORDON

I’m officially off duty as of fifteen minutes ago, so…

(lights up)

I assume you want to talk to me about the unusual nature of my report.

DYLAN

It’s not often we get calls about a dead body coming back to life and attacking one of our officers.

GORDON

If it’s any comfort it’s definitely a first for me, too.

Dylan pulls a notepad from his pocket, flipping it open.

DYLAN

I read your file before I came down here. Graduated last in your class and that was your shining moment. Your periodic reviews read like a Don Rickles routine – “A room temperature IQ”... “He’ll go far –the farther away, the better”... “Has reached rock bottom and started to dig”... “Not so much a has-been, as a won't-be”. You’re under investigation for accepting graft, dereliction of duty, illegal gambling, and…

(reads)

…’generally being a pain in the ass’. That’s a new one.

GORDON

What can I say, I’m a trailblazer.

DYLAN

So I read this file and I have to ask myself – do I think he concocted this story to set up some kind of insanity defense to avoid disciplinary actions?

Gordon takes another hit off his cigarette, sizing Dylan up as he blows smoke in his face.

GORDON

Who are you, anyway? Internal Affairs? Because if it’s about the beer in the squad car, we confiscated it from a bunch of kids…

Dylan’s air of confidence falters a bit. His voice wavers just slightly.

DYLAN

I’m with Paranormal Ops.

This brings Gordon up short.

GORDON

Paranormal Ops? What the hell kinda…

(stops, face lighting up)

Wait a second – you mean the Exorcist Squad?

DYLAN

(squirms)

That’s a nickname. We don’t like to be called that.

Sensing Dylan’s unease, Gordon takes another puff, a shit-eating grin on his face.

GORDON

Paranormal Ops? Damn, I always thought you guys were a myth or something. I never figured you actually existed!

Taking a pen from his pocket, Dylan starts to jot notes in his pad, trying to get the interview back on track.

DYLAN

Did this ‘deceased’ man say anything to you?

GORDON

Yeah, he was pretty talkative, for being dead. He said something like… “He’s coming, and he’s bringing all of Hell with him.” Then he said, “Just in time for the new fall season,” but he was watching TV, so he might have been talking about something he saw on the tube.

(stubs out cigarette in ashtray)

Let’s get real, okay? I was a little freaked when I called this in, but obviously the guy wasn’t really dead. It’s Halloween, I guess I let my imagination get the best of me.

DYLAN

The coroner’s initial report is that the man has been dead for two days. At least.

They just stare at one another, neither sure what to say. They turn as an attractive, smartly-dressed woman in her late twenties steps up uncertainly. This is DEBORAH COLLINS.

DEBORAH

Excuse me. I got a call that my grandfather had passed away. Spenser Collins. My name is Deborah Collins.

DYLAN

Yes, I’m afraid so.

Gordon steps forward, instantly on the make. He puts on his best sympathetic face.

GORDON

I found your grandfather, ma’am, and I just want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss.

(steps closer to her)

I know how tough it can be, losing someone you love. I didn’t know your grandfather, but I saw the expression on his face when I found him, and I don’t think he’d want you to be alone tonight.

Dylan winces in disbelief at the cheesy pick-up line.

DEBORAH

You’re kidding, right? I’m here to claim my grandfather’s body, and you’re hitting on me? What, do you think I’m vulnerable enough that you can get a sympathy screw out of me or something?

GORDON

It’s what he would have wanted.

Deborah turns to Dylan, trying to maintain her composure. He smiles sympathetically.

DYLAN

(points)

The coroner is right over there, he can tell you what you need to know.

Deborah leaves, shooting one last disgusted look at Gordon. Dylan shakes his head as he moves to the main staircase.

DYLAN

Nice pick-up line, slick. You might want to look up the concept of ‘timing’.

GORDON

(calls after him)

Hey, it’s worked before!

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING – HALLWAY – NIGHT

Walking down the hallway of the apartment building, Dylan stops before the door to Spenser Collins’ apartment, which now has bright yellow police tape stretched across it. Removing the tape, he pauses a moment before turning the knob. He seems tentative, unsure about entering.

VOICE (o.s.)

Hi!

Dylan turns toward the voice to see the Hispanic Boy, still in his bloody Halloween make-up, grinning up at him. He jumps, letting out a little YELP.

HISPANIC BOY

Boy, you police sure are jumpy.

Smiling humorlessly, Dylan pats the Hispanic Boy on the head before opening the apartment door and stepping inside.

INT. COLLINS’ APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM

Closing the door behind him, Dylan turns on a lamp, surveying the musty little apartment. It looks exactly as we last saw it – without Spenser Collins’ body, of course. Even with the light on the apartment seems dim, shadows everywhere. He looks out the window, staring across the street at Union Station a moment before heading into…

INT. COLLINS’ APARTMENT – BEDROOM

It’s sparsely furnished – just a bed, a dresser, and a small table on which are clustered a couple dozen framed photographs. Memories of a life. Dylan scans them with only a rudimentary interest, until one picture, partially obscured behind the others, catches his eye.

Reaching out, Dylan picks up the photograph, which we see is of a group of men gathered around a sleek, black 1950 Mercury Coupe. Laughing, smoking cigars, their arms around each others’ shoulders, we recognize these as the men we saw at Union Station in 1950. In the middle of it all is a young Spenser Collins, a cocky grin on his face. Someone has handwritten the words ‘Paranormal Operations Unit – 1950’ across the bottom. Dylan is examining the photo when suddenly he hears VOICES coming from the living room.

INT. COLLINS’ APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM

Thinking it’s other cops, Dylan calls out as he steps back into the room.

DYLAN

It’s okay, I’m a cop. Just checking out a few…

But he stops short when he sees no one in the room. What he does see is that the TV is now on. Regis and Kathy Lee are having an animated discussion. Confused, Dylan glances around, calling out.

DYLAN

Is anyone here? Anyone?

(frowns)

Okay guys, joke’s over. One prank a night is enough, all right? Don’t you have crimes to solve or something?

There’s no answer. Sighing, Dylan picks up the remote control, pointing it at the TV. But before he can hit the ‘off’ button he is shocked to see Regis and Kathy Lee turn and speak directly to him.

REGIS

He’s coming.

KATHIE LEE

And he’s bringing all of Hell with him!

The TV then begins changing channels, flipping from station to station where familiar personalities from famous shows all give Dylan the same message. Larry King…

LARRY KING

He’s coming…

CLICK! Oprah Winfrey…

OPRAH WINFREY

…And he’s bringing all of Hell with him.

CLICK! A local NEWSCASTER…

NEWSCASTER

In an Eyewitness News exclusive, we’ve just learned that he’s coming, and he’s bringing all of Hell with him.

CLICK! …’M*A*S*H’… CLICK!… ‘The Jerry Springer Show’… CLICK! … The Weather Channel… CLICK!… Geraldo Rivera… CLICK!… ‘The Untouchables’… CLICK!… Milton Berle in a dress… CLICK!… a PBS pledge drive… CLICK!… ‘The Mary Tyler Moore Show’. The shows fly by as the channels continue to change. It’s like a twisted history of TV, with stars from familiar shows all delivering the same message – ‘He’s coming. And he’s bringing all of Hell with him’.

Freaked, Dylan frantically pushes the ‘off’ button on the remote control, to no avail. The channels continue to fly by. Suddenly they stop, and we see Spenser Collins onscreen, staring right at Dylan. He looks as he must have right before his death – in his mid-seventies, but still vibrant and charismatic. He speaks to Dylan firmly.

COLLINS

(on TV)

Listen to me boy, and heed what I say. He is coming. And he will bring all of Hell with him. And you’re the only one who can stop it. The fate of the world is on your shoulders, laddie – you’d best prepare yourself for the fight of your life.

Dylan moves his mouth as though trying to answer, but no words come out. The TV switches to an old black and white episode of ‘The Honeymooners’.

ART CARNEY

Hey Ralphie! Didja know he’s coming?

JACKIE GLEASON

Yeah Norton, and he’s bringin’ all-a Hell with him, too!

Summoning all his courage, Dylan stands up straight, jutting out his jaw purposefully.

DYLAN

Fuck this shit.

And with that he lunges for the door. ‘The Honeymooners’ can still be heard on the TV.

JACKIE GLEASON

And awaa-aaay we go!

Throwing the remote control aside Dylan fumbles with the knob, finally managing to tear the door open – only to reveal a crowd of GHOULS, ZOMBIES, CORPSES and GHOSTS waiting for him, all SHRIEKING wildly. He shoves his way through them, hightailing it down the hallway and out of the building. The monsters stop screaming, turning to one another. They’re the children who live in the building, all wearing their Halloween costumes.

HISPANIC BOY

I told you! Let’s go find more cops to scare!

KIDS

Yeah!

They run off happily as we…

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING – LOBBY – NIGHT

Talking with a couple other cops, Gordon turns to see Dylan run-walk down the stairs, trying to maintain the appearance of control while fighting the urge to bolt.

GORDON

Hey, you okay? What happened?

DYLAN

Nothing! Nothing at all. Thanks for your cooperation. Gotta go.

And with that he’s out of the lobby and gone. Gordon stares after him curiously.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. POLICE PRECINCT – CAPTAIN GIRALDI’S OFFICE – DAY

The next afternoon. CAPTAIN GIRALDI, a rugged man in his late fifties who looks like sleep deprivation has become a way of life, sits at his desk as Gordon enters. Still in his street clothes, Gordon looks to the captain, confused.

GORDON

You wanted to see me, sir?

GIRALDI

Close the door.

Gordon closes the door, muttering unhappily.

GIRALDI

What was that?

GORDON

Nothing, sir. It’s just… I hate ‘close-the-door’ talks. It’s never good news. Nobody ever says “Close the door, you just won the lottery!” It’s always “Close the door – you have ass cancer.”

Giraldi stands, moving around to the front of his desk.

GIRALDI

Nice to know I’m keeping the streak alive. You’re being suspended, effective immediately. I’ll need your badge and firearm.

Sighing, Gordon reaches into his pocket and pulls out his badge. We get the feeling he knows the routine. But just as he’s about to place the badge in Giraldi’s outstretched hand he stops.

GORDON

Wait a second – is this because of the report I filed last night?

GIRALDI

Partly. Let’s just say it was the last straw.

Gordon frowns, shaking his head adamantly. He pulls his badge back.

GORDON

Then forget it.

GIRALDI

‘Forget it’?

GORDON

Yeah. Maybe I’m not a model cop – I know I’ve got a few black marks on my record…

GIRALDI

A few? Your record's worse than most of the criminals in here.

Gordon continues on, ignoring the remark.

GORDON (cont.)

… but that report I filed last night was legit. Look, I don’t think for a second that guy was really dead, but I wrote what I saw. Or what I thought I saw. You can’t suspend me for that.

Giraldi opens his mouth, but Gordon cuts him off. He speaks with sincerity – something we haven’t seen from him yet. Something few people have.

GORDON

Listen captain, you suspend me now and I’m finished. And not just as a cop, either. I’m two months behind on my rent and three months behind on everything else. I know I’ve been a screw up, but I’m honestly trying to get my act together. But you suspend me now and… and I don’t know what. Especially over an accurate report. I mean, I appreciate the irony, I really do – after all the shit I’ve pulled, to get popped for telling the truth – but when it’s your life irony isn’t as entertaining somehow.

(quietly)

Give me one more chance. I won’t screw it up. I can’t.

Surprised by Gordon’s show of emotion, Giraldi sighs, torn.

GIRALDI

I don’t know what else I can do. This order came down from on high. I can’t just put you back on the street.

GORDON

Isn’t there some weird little job you could give me? Some corner of the department that no one pays any attention to?

Giraldi frowns… then gets an idea, a grin spreading across his face.

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE PRECINCT – BASEMENT – DAY

The basement is a dark, dank area, with exposed overhead pipes and lit by bare bulbs dangling from the ceiling. It serves as the office for the Paranormal Operations Unit – in other words, Dylan has a desk down here. It’s also the precinct’s storage area, where boxes of evidence and old musty case files are kept. Dylan is in the process of rummaging through some of these old files.

Opening a filing cabinet drawer labeled ‘Paranormal Ops – Personnel Records’, he flips through a series of files until he comes across a thin, leather-bound pocket-sized book with the words ‘Oaths and Incantations’ embossed on the cover. Dylan slips it into his coat pocket as he finds a file labeled ‘Spenser Collins’. He opens it, reading.

DYLAN

I’ll be damned…

He stares hard at Collins’ I.D. photo – it’s a younger version of the man who spoke to him from the TV. There’s something about him – the glint in the eyes, the cocky, devil-may-care grin – that intrigues Dylan. A small envelope falls out of the file, Dylan picking it up. He opens it, removing a tiny KEY. Shrugging, he slips it back into the envelope and starts to put it back in the file… but for some reason he stops, staring at the envelope thoughtfully. He jumps at a noise behind him, pocketing the envelope as he turns to see Giraldi and Gordon standing on the steps.

GIRALDI

We interrupting anything?

DYLAN

No, I was doing a little research.

GIRALDI

Work? That’s good. Usually when I burst in on people all I interrupt are their naps.

(cocks thumb at Gordon)

I want you to meet your new partner.

Both Dylan and Gordon’s jaws drop.

DYLAN & GORDON

Him?

GIRALDI

Sure. Crumly here needs a low-profile assignment, and McKee, you’ve been bugging me for years to let you train a replacement. It’s a perfect fit…

Dylan and Gordon both begin to protest.

GORDON

This isn’t what I meant…

DYLAN

Oh no, not this guy…

GIRALDI

(cutting them off)

I said it’s a perfect fit!

And with that, the conversation is over. Satisfied, Giraldi gives them both a curt nod before heading back up the steps. Dylan and Gordon just stare at one another. An awkward moment.

GORDON

So this is where we fight off the possessed? The place looks like it’s been re-possessed.

DYLAN

You wanted a low-profile job? Can’t get any lower than this.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. OLD SPANISH-STYLE CHURCH – DAY

A small yet inviting church in the barrio. Dylan looks uncomfortable, glancing around at the religious icons uneasily. Gordon notices.

GORDON

What’s wrong?

DYLAN

Nothing. It’s just… I have a problem with churches.

GORDON

I know what you mean. Personally I have issues with the whole ‘Thou Shalt Not’ thing…

DYLAN

It’s not like that. I used to be a priest.

Gordon is surprised, not sure how to respond.

GORDON

Really? Priest, huh? You quit or they fire you?

DYLAN

Quit.

GORDON

Hmm. Must’ve been the whole celibacy thing, right?

Dylan turns and gives Gordon a look as the MINISTER steps up, speaking enthusiastically.

MINISTER

Are you the officers?

DYLAN

Paranormal Operations Unit. What seems to be the problem?

The Minister motions to the altar, where a large wall relief of an angel hangs on the wall.

MINISTER

There is no problem. It’s a miracle. Ever since this morning, the angel has wept. I saved a vial of his tears for you.

The Minister hands Dylan a small capped vial. Smiling thinly, Dylan sticks it in his coat pocket. Dylan and Gordon step onto the altar to examine the statue. Sure enough, there appear to be tears flowing from its eyes.

GORDON

No way! I read about something like this in the Weekly World News. Only I think it was the Virgin Mary… and she was sneezing.

DYLAN

There’s an explanation. There’s always an explanation.

MINISTER

No, officer. It’s a sign.

Gordon takes a swipe from a tear with his finger. He tastes it.

GORDON

(to Dylan)

It's salty.

MINISTER

This means something wondrous is about to happen. But also something horrible. The angel is crying, officer. He is crying for the fate of man...

Everyone freezes, chilled by the thought. Suddenly the JANITOR pokes his head out of a doorway behind the altar, calling to the Minister.

JANITOR

I unclogged the toilet, padre. I put some of that blue cleaner in, too. I'll try it again...

He steps back through the doorway and we hear the toilet FLUSH, the tears on the statue SUDDENLY TURNING BLUE. Dylan tries not to laugh as Gordon starts spitting, trying to get the taste out of his mouth. His beeper sounding, Dylan turns to the Minister.

DYLAN

Do you have a phone I can use?

(nods to Gordon)

And a bottle of Listerine?

CUT TO:

EXT. UNION STATION – DAY

There’s an official ceremony taking place at the station, a large banner reading ‘WELCOME MAYOR WILEY!’ strung over the entrance. MAYOR WILEY and other dignitaries stand on a riser, speaking to a crowd of reporters.

MAYOR WILEY

… With the completion of these renovations, Union Station – which has played an important part in Los Angeles’ past – will continue to play an equally important part in her future…

The Mayor pauses, everyone turning as the black Mercury Coupe pulls into the lot and parks, BACKFIRING and spewing exhaust. Dylan and Gordon climb out, Gordon coughing.

GORDON

If that statue wasn’t bad enough, now I’ve got the taste of car exhaust in my mouth.

DYLAN

Sorry. There’s a hole in the floorboard.

GORDON

A hole? Who used to drive this car, Fred Flintstone?

Both men look up to see the crowd at the front of the station staring at them. Recognizing the Mayor, Dylan hurries toward the entrance, while Gordon can’t resist.

GORDON

Ohmygod, this place is haunted! A hideous demon is here! Oh wait, it’s only the mayor…

The reporters chuckle. An embarrassed Dylan hides his face, Gordon smiling gregariously as they enter the station. The Mayor is obviously annoyed by the interruption – as is Deborah Collins, who stands behind him. She watches after Dylan and Gordon irritably.

INT. UNION STATION – MAIN CONCOURSE

Dylan and Gordon walk through the main concourse, Dylan trying to distance himself from his new partner. Gordon scurries up behind him.

GORDON

I’ve been thinking, if we’re gonna be called ‘The Exorcist Squad’ we should have a motto.

DYLAN

We’re not called ‘The Exorcist Squad’.

GORDON

We should be! I mean, ‘Paranormal Operations Unit’ doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. But ‘Exorcist Squad’ – that’s catchy!

(Dylan just keeps walking)

Right. Anyway, here’s my motto. Ready? Okay – ‘We Turn Heads’.

He waits expectantly for Dylan’s reaction. There is none.

GORDON

‘We Turn Heads’. Like in the movie? When the little girl had her head spin all the way around? The little possessed girl? ‘The Exorcist’…?

DYLAN

(snaps)

I get it! Alright?

GORDON

I wasn’t sure, you didn’t respond…

DYLAN

Just because I didn’t respond doesn’t mean I didn’t get it. I got it. I just didn’t like it.

They walk a moment in silence, both men stewing. Finally:

GORDON

You should really learn the concept of polite laughter. Even if you don’t think it’s funny, you still give a little laugh – heh heh heh – so the other guy doesn’t feel like a complete schmuck. I do have feelings, you know.

DYLAN

(polite laugh)

Heh heh heh.

Gordon frowns as he and Dylan step into…

INT. UNION STATION – DONUT SHOP

Dylan and Gordon step to the counter, where the donut shop owner (MR. GARFIELD) stands.

DYLAN

Mr. Garfield?

MR. GARFIELD

That’s me. Are you the cops from the… what’s it called…?

GORDON

The Exorcist Squad. We turn heads.

(Garfield just stares at him)

Get it? Like the movie? When the little girl…

DYLAN

(cuts in)

You reported an unusual event?

Mr. Garfield excitedly motions them behind the counter.

MR. GARFIELD

I was cooking back here, minding my own business, when I saw it. I’ve never seen anything like it!

DYLAN

(grimacing at dirty kitchen)

A clean spot?

MR. GARFIELD

No, it was the devil’s face! Evil-looking, red, with horns!

DYLAN

That’s him alright. Where was he?

MR. GARFIELD

In a cherry danish. Right over…

Mr. Garfield motions to a tray… where Gordon stands, half a danish in his hand and cherry jelly around his mouth. Dylan grimaces as Mr. Garfield lets out a scream, grabbing the danish from Gordon.

MR. GARFIELD (cont.)

You… you ate my devil!

GORDON

This was it? It was just sitting there.

(to Dylan)

Trust me, it looked like a danish.

MR. GARFIELD

I was going to make a fortune off that danish! Put it in a glass case like that Mother Teresa bun. Now all that’s left is a chin! I can’t make any money off the devil’s chin!

GORDON

(shrugs)

In that case…

Gordon tries to snatch the danish out of Mr. Garfield's hand. Garfield lets out another scream, clutching the pastry protectively. Dylan grabs Gordon by the arm, quickly ushering him out of the shop.

INT. UNION STATION – MAIN CONCOURSE

Dylan and Gordon hurry out of the donut shop. Mr. Garfield waves the half-eaten danish at them angrily.

MR. GARFIELD

I’ll sue you! I’ll sue the whole police force!

GORDON

Go ahead! The LAPD gets sued every day! We like it!

They stop when they come face-to-face with Deborah Collins. Overhearing that last exchange, she stares at them irritably.

DEBORAH

Well, well. LA’s finest.

DYLAN

Ms. Collins, hello. What are you doing here?

DEBORAH

I have a question for you guys. Since when do cops go around insulting the mayor in front of a crowd of reporters?

Straightening his clothes, Gordon steps forward, grinning at Deborah suavely. Or giving it his best attempt, at least.

GORDON

That’s my lone wolf persona, baby. You know, like Dirty Harry or Serpico. One man against the system.

DEBORAH

Great. Then I only have to report you to the chief of police. I want your name and badge number.

GORDON

You don’t have to play these games with me, dollface. I’ll throw in my phone number, address and pertinent medical information.

Deborah looks like she’s about to take a swing at Gordon. Dylan steps between them, extending his hand.

DYLAN

We haven’t been properly introduced. I’m Dylan McKee, and the lone wolf here is Gordon Crumly. You work for the mayor?

Deborah shakes Dylan’s hand grudgingly.

DEBORAH

I’m the mayor’s personal assistant.

DYLAN

(frozen smile)

Doesn’t that figure?

DEBORAH

What are you two doing here, anyway? If there’s a crime in progress we should know about it. If the mayor is in any danger…

GORDON

Don’t worry, baby. Daddy’s here. You’ll be safe.

Deborah and Dylan both look at Gordon a moment, then resume their conversation.

DYLAN

There’s no danger. We’re with the Paranormal Operations Unit. We were called out to check on an alleged demon sighting.

DEBORAH

Paranormal Operations? You guys?

DYLAN

You’ve never heard of it? Because I was looking through your grandfather’s file this morning and he was a member of this unit. In fact he founded it.

DEBORAH

Yes. And did you know he was discharged for being a kook? I loved the old guy, but he was a little crazy. So if you guys are here to check out a demon sighting, where’s the demon?

DYLAN

(cocks thumb at Gordon)

He ate it.

Gordon lets out a little burp, trying to cover by winking at Deborah. She shakes her head, no longer angry.

DEBORAH

Tell you what, let’s, uh… let’s just forget about this whole conversation, okay?

DYLAN

It’s probably best.

She nods, chuckling to herself as she walks away. Both men watch her go, not noticing as a nervous STATION OFFICIAL steps up behind them.

GORDON

You see that? She wants me.

DYLAN

She wants you to leave her alone.

GORDON

Come on, you didn’t see that? That was chemistry, man.

STATION OFFICIAL

(trying to break in)

Excuse me?

DYLAN

What planet are you on? There was no chemistry there.

GORDON

Hey, that was chemistry, and I know chemistry.

STATION OFFICIAL

(tries again)

Excuse me?

DYLAN

Did you take chemistry in high school?

GORDON

Yeah.

DYLAN

What’d you get?

GORDON

D +.

DYLAN

I rest my case.

STATION OFFICIAL

(unable to take anymore)

EXCUSE ME!!!

Dylan and Gordon turn, the Station Official regaining his composure.

STATION OFFICIAL (cont.)

Are you the cops who handle the supernatural stuff?

GORDON

That’s us! The Exorcist Squad. We turn…

Dylan STOMPS on Gordon’s foot before he can finish. Gordon hops up and down in pain as Dylan speaks calmly.

DYLAN

How can we help you?

STATION OFFICIAL

(glances around nervously)

I’d rather not discuss it here. Too many people. Follow me.

He moves off, motioning for Dylan and Gordon to follow. Dylan leans to Gordon, whispering sternly.

DYLAN

Whatever he shows us – try not to eat it!

As they walk through the main concourse we notice the faces carved high on the walls seem to follow their every move.

CUT TO:

INT. UNION STATION – UNDERGROUND ACCESS TUNNEL – DAY

In the bowels of the station, a series of dank concrete tunnels stretch forever. The overhead lighting is harsh. We hear water dripping somewhere in the distance. The Station Official leads Dylan and Gordon along the corridor, their footsteps and voices echoing back to them.

STATION OFFICIAL

I don’t like to come down here much. Gives me the willies. The old-timers used to tell weird stories about things that happened down here, but I never saw anything. Until now.

GORDON

What is it? A demonic mouse? A satanic cockroach?

Reaching a closed door, the Station Official opens it to reveal…

INT. UNION STATION – STORAGE ROOM

Dylan and Gordon step inside the empty room to see that the WALLS ARE BLEEDING. The Blood SEEPS from gory letters, which spell out the message ‘HE’S COMING. AND HE’S BRINGING ALL OF HELL WITH HIM’. Dylan and Gordon stare at the phenomena, dumbstruck.

GORDON

Good God… this place looks worse than my last apartment.

Dylan turns to the Station Official, who hangs back in the hallway.

DYLAN

Does anyone else have access to this room?

STATION OFFICIAL

No. Like I said, nobody hardly comes down here. And I only noticed it because I thought I heard moaning down here earlier, and tracked it to this room.

As they talk the wall begins to MOVE, almost like RIPPLING FLESH. The outlines of FACES emerge, as though pressing against the other side. From their expressions, they seem to be in horrible agony. Dylan and Gordon stare, transfixed.

GORDON

Have you ever seen this before?

DYLAN

No. And I could have done without seeing it now.

The whole wall begins to MORPH, becoming almost TRANSLUCENT. We can see DISTORTED IMAGES of hideous, mutilated, tormented souls fighting, scratching and clawing to free themselves. The wall BOWS into the room under the pressure of so many lost souls struggling to get out. Dylan and Gordon find themselves backed against the far wall, unable to reach the door. The Station Official, terrified, simply bolts and runs.

GORDON

Okay, I don’t need to be an expert on the supernatural to know this is bad.

DYLAN

I’d run, but it’s hard to move your legs when your bowels are emptying themselves.

They both flinch as a DEMON’S HEAD TEARS through the wall, spitting and snarling as it cries out triumphantly.

DEMON’S HEAD

He is free! And he has brought all of Hell with him!

Thinking quickly, Gordon reaches out and POKES the Demon in the eyes. The creature HOWLS in pain as it disappears back into the wall.

DYLAN

Riot training?

GORDON

Three Stooges. There’s gotta be some way to deal with this!

DYLAN

How should I know? In this job the people are scarier than the stuff they report…

GORDON

Didn’t they give you any training? Suggestions? Hints?

Remembering, Dylan pulls the small leather-bound book from his coat pocket.

DYLAN

I found this handbook.

The wall PRESSES further toward them. The outlines of FANGED demons are now INCHES from their faces.

GORDON

I think now might be a good time to crack that sucker.

Nodding, Dylan opens the book to find…

DYLAN

It’s in Latin! I can’t read Latin! When I was a priest I just memorized the important phrases.

GORDON

I know Latin. Let me try.

DYLAN

You know Latin.

GORDON

Yeah. Learned it in school.

(composes himself)

Uck-fay off-yay, emons-day! Am-scray!

DYLAN

Not Pig Latin, you idiot!

GORDON

You said Latin, you didn’t specify which dialect! Just read something – anything!

The wall PRESSES closer. Desperate, Dylan reads the first thing he sees, struggling to pronounce the words phonetically.

DYLAN

(in Latin)

What once was closed will now be open.

Darkness rises and swallows the light.

Go now and prepare for your rebirth.

Soon all will be above as it is below.

There is a DEAFENING, INHUMAN SCREAM from behind the wall, which immediately SNAPS back to its normal shape. All is silence. Dylan and Gordon wait for something to happen, but nothing does. It’s over.

Dylan walks up to the wall, touching it gingerly. It’s solid. He turns back to Gordon in disbelief.

DYLAN

It worked!

GORDON

Great! Good news. Now let’s get the hell out of here.

They hurry out the door, Dylan SLAMMING it shut behind them. The room is in blackness… until a soft GLOW begins to emanate from behind the wall. The GLOW intensifies as BLOOD begins to flow again, STEAMING and BOILING as if the wall were incredibly HOT.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR – DAY

Dylan and Gordon sit in a back booth in a dimly lit bar. Gordon drinks from a mug of beer, while Dylan looks around uneasily.

DYLAN

I know we're supposed to file a report about what just happened. I’m just not sure what did happen.

GORDON

(grins)

It was awesome! Exorcist Squad: 1, Forces of Evil: 0. We kicked evil's ass!

DYLAN

I don’t think we should be in here. Not while we’re on duty.

GORDON

Come on, lighten up, wouldya? We just battled the forces of darkness and emerged victorious! If that doesn’t rate a brew I don’t know what does. Being partners with you is like being partners with my mom – not a compliment, by the way.

(takes sip of beer)

I know you don’t know exactly what that was, but what do you think it was?

Dylan shrugs, grabbing a pretzel stick from a bowl and playing with it nervously.

DYLAN

I don’t know. Some sort of portal to another dimension, a gateway to Hell, a hallucination.

GORDON

We didn’t both have the same hallucination. We don’t have anything else in common, why would we start there?

Dylan sits up, suddenly remembering.

DYLAN

We’re forgetting something. “He is coming. And he’s bringing all of Hell with him,” remember? It was written on the wall today, and you said it’s what the dead guy told you the other night. What does it mean?

GORDON

How the hell should I know? I’m the new guy, remember?

(pauses, frowns)

Hang on. The dead guy said ‘He is coming’. Didn’t the demon at the station say ‘He is free’?

DYLAN

(considers)

Yeah, it did. So who do you think ‘He’ is?

GORDON

And where is ‘He’ now?

The BARTENDER steps up, putting a plate of Buffalo wings on the table and slapping Gordon on the back.

BARTENDER

Here ya go, Gordie. On the house, like usual.

GORDON

Thanks, Burt.

(notices Dylan’s scornful look)

What now?

DYLAN

You’re this close to getting booted off the force, and you still come in here and take graft.

Gordon grabs a Buffalo wing, fingers immediately covered in hot sauce.

GORDON

‘Graft’? What, are we in an old gangster movie now? This is not graft, it’s not a bribe, I didn’t extort it from anyone. I think of it more like a tip.

DYLAN

A tip?

Gordon gnaws on the chicken wing, getting the hot sauce around his mouth.

GORDON

Sure, why not? I rousted a nasty drunk here once, and ever since Burt’s made a point to show his appreciation. At least I think it was here. I was off-duty and a little wasted myself. Wait, was I off-duty? Anyway, it’s not important. My point is, you tip waiters and all they do is bring you food and fill your coffee cup. Why wouldn’t you tip a cop, who puts his ass on the line every day?

DYLAN

I can’t argue with that.

GORDON

Sure, because it makes sense.

DYLAN

No, because I’ve learned it’s useless to argue with crazy people.

Gordon absently wipes his mouth, smearing hot sauce across his face. Grimacing, Dylan makes a wiping motion on his own face, but Gordon doesn’t notice.

GORDON

You said were a priest, right? You took tips all the time. What do you think passing around a collection plate is all about? That’s like giving God a tip.

DYLAN

I didn’t really look at it that way.

GORDON

It’s different terminology, that’s all. Why’d you quit being a priest, anyway? That’s got to be the cush job of all time. Work two hours a week, get to tell people what to do. It had to be the celibacy thing, right?

Gordon wipes his nose, leaving a drop of hot sauce on the tip. Dylan picks up a napkin, wiping his own nose in an effort to get Gordon to realize he’s got sauce everywhere.

DYLAN

What’s this obsession with the celibacy thing? It wasn’t the celibacy thing. I left because it wasn’t right for me, that’s all.

Gordon talks as he eats, Dylan staring transfixed as he manages to get hot sauce all over his teeth.

GORDON

(laughs)

Man, would that suck – what if you quit being a priest and you still couldn’t get laid? Then you’d have no excuse. How sad would that be?

Dylan sits quietly for a moment, before turning and calling to the Bartender.

DYLAN

Burt? Can we get a pitcher of Budweiser over here?

Gordon is taken aback.

GORDON

Wow. You’re the first partner I’ve driven to drink.

DYLAN

I doubt that.

GORDON

Well, so fast, anyway.

Gordon scratches his ear, leaving a smudge of hot sauce on the lobe.

DYLAN

That’s it…!

Unable to take any more, Dylan licks his napkin, reaching across the table to wipe the hot sauce off Gordon’s face. Gordon scowls, squirming.

GORDON

Mo-om! Stop it!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. POLICE PRECINCT – SQUAD ROOM – NIGHT

Dylan and Gordon walk through the squad room on their way to the basement office.

GORDON

I was thinking, since I got us the free beer? I think you should write the report.

They wince as Captain Giraldi steps out of his office, yelling across the crowded room.

GIRALDI

McKee! Crumly! Get your asses in my office, now!

Giraldi slams the door, making everyone wince again. Gordon gives Dylan a reassuring wink.

GORDON

He’ll cheer up once I tell him how I saved the city.

DYLAN

How you saved the city? Is-kay ay-may ass-may, erk-jay...

(remembering)

Hold it! Beer breath! We’ve got beer breath! Quick, do you have any gum or breath mints?

Gordon shakes his head ‘no’. Looking around in a panic, Dylan grabs a pump bottle of hand lotion off a female officer’s desk. Squirting a few dollops of lotion into his mouth he swallows, shivers, and continues on toward Giraldi’s office.

GORDON

(shaking head)

That’s a man who should not drink…

He follows Dylan into…

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE PRECINCT – CAPTAIN GIRALDI’S OFFICE

Dylan and Gordon enter to find Giraldi leaning against his desk, arms folded, not happy.

GORDON

Wait, I’ve seen this scene – this is where Dirty Harry is called into his boss’ office so he can get yelled at for operating outside the system. Nice. I didn’t know you did impressions, captain.

GIRALDI

(calmly, evenly)

Did either of you do anything today to, oh I don’t know, piss off the mayor?

Dylan winces, while Gordon smiles angelically.

GORDON

Why do you ask?

Detective #2 sticks his head into the room, speaking to Giraldi.

DETECTIVE #2

It’s on again.

Giraldi nods. Grabbing a remote control from his desk he turns on a small TV. Dylan and Gordon turn to see Mayor Wiley onscreen, standing at a podium.

MAYOR WILEY

(on TV)

… As you all know I’ve fought a long battle against the wasteful, frivolous spending within the Los Angeles Police Department. I thought we were making headway, until I was informed today of a special unit of the LAPD. It’s called the ‘Exorcist Squad’.

Giraldi glares at Dylan and Gordon. Dylan smiles back weakly.

DYLAN

That’s just, you know, a nickname…

MAYOR WILEY

(on TV)

This is a squad which uses taxpayer dollars to keep Los Angeles safe from ghosts, demons and evil spirits. Speaking personally, the only unnatural phenomenon I ever saw in LA was when Dennis Rodman played for the Lakers.

(reporters laugh)

At a time when crime is running rampant in our streets, why the LAPD sees fit to waste a group of officers on such foolishness is beyond me.

GORDON

(scoffs)

What ‘group’? Two.

The image onscreen switches to a NEWS ANCHOR, who speaks into the camera.

NEWS ANCHOR

(on TV)

The mayor went on to call for a full investigation into the policies and procedures of the LAPD, as well as a complete audit of their financial records.

GIRALDI

I got a call from the chief of police this afternoon. The unit is disbanded, effective immediately. And Internal Affairs is setting up an investigation of your activities while with the squad.

GORDON

My activities? I think I should take this opportunity to point out that I’ve only been with this unit for one day…

GIRALDI

What a coincidence.

DYLAN

But sir, I think you should know – we encountered something when we were at Union Station…

GIRALDI

Really? Where's my report?

DYLAN & GORDON

(pointing at each other, in unison)

He's typing it up...

GIRALDI

Wrong. You're both through in Paranormal. I'm reassigning you.

Frustrated, Dylan shrugs.

DYLAN

Fine. Reassign me! I’ve been asking you to for years. Wherever you put me can’t be more useless and boring than where I’ve been!

GORDON

No, no, no! Screw that! We just risked our asses and fought off the forces of darkness – I think we deserve a fitting reward!!!

CUT TO:

INT. TINY MUSEUM – DAY

A small, trendy museum featuring abstract artwork and bizarre artifacts. Dressed in police blues, Dylan and Gordon sit in folding chairs on either side of a glass case displaying a half-eaten pastry. A plaque reads ‘The Devil’s Chin Danish – Courtesy of The Donut Den, Union Station’. The place is devoid of visitors, which is probably its normal state. Dylan slouches miserably, while Gordon sits with his head back and mouth wide open, sound asleep.

DYLAN

Very fitting.

(kicks at Gordon)

Will you wake up!

GORDON

Huh? Wha? Somebody trying to steal something?

DYLAN

No one’s even come to look at this stuff, why would they want to steal it?

GORDON

(yawns, stretches)

I’m hungry. You ready for lunch?

Dylan cocks his thumb at the half-eaten danish in the display case.

DYLAN

Why don’t you just finish off your danish? And if you get thirsty I know a church with a nice statue where you can get a drink.

Pulling a duffel bag from under his chair, Gordon takes out a small Watchman TV.

GORDON

Hey, don’t get snotty with me, Mr. ‘I-don’t-care-where-you-reassign-me’. I’ve learned through years of experience – you never say that to a pissed-off captain. We’re lucky we’re not guarding turds at some sewer plant… which actually isn’t as bad as it sounds, by the way.

DYLAN

(nods to Watchman)

What’s that?

GORDON

Portable TV. Pretty slick, huh? I almost paid four hundred bucks for this baby.

DYLAN

How much was it? Three-fifty?

GORDON

No, I stopped a hold-up at an electronics store, and the owner donated it to me. I almost paid four hundred bucks.

Dylan shakes his head as Gordon turns on the TV. The evening news is on, the News Anchor speaking seriously.

NEWS ANCHOR

(on TV)

… For their part, the LAPD denies the existence of a so-called ‘Exorcist Squad’, calling the mayor’s accusation ‘goofy and unfounded’.

Dylan and Gordon exchange looks as the News Anchor speaks urgently, pressing his earpiece into his ear as he is given instructions.

NEWS ANCHOR (cont.)

(on TV)

I’m being told we have a situation brewing downtown. We take you live to Kent Carlyle at Union Station. Kent, what’s happening down there?

The scene on TV cuts to a view outside Union Station. We can see the station in the background, with what seems like SMOKE rising from the area of the tracks. Intrepid reporter KENT CARLYLE speaks into the camera.

KENT CARLYLE

(on TV)

We can’t see much at this point, Marty. All we know is that a series of earthquakes has jolted this area, and Cal Tech indicates that they have all been centered directly beneath Union Station.

Gordon looks at Dylan. It’s obvious they’re thinking the same thought.

GORDON

No way. This has nothing to do with us.

CUT TO:

INT. UNION STATION – UNDERGROUND ACCESS TUNNEL – DAY

Deep in the bowels of the station, blood now runs freely through the corridors. It flows from underneath the door to the Storage Room – the door creaking and moaning as the wood STRETCHES like elastic, as though something were trying to push its way through. Suddenly the door EXPLODES into a million pieces, a torrent of blood FLOODING the corridor as a BLINDING LIGHT sears the paint off the walls.

CUT TO:

INT. TINY MUSEUM – DAY

Dylan and Gordon watch the tiny TV, which shows people running for their lives around Union Station as the ground rumbles. Manhole covers BLAST into the air, FLAMES licking from manholes and sewer gratings.

GORDON

It can't have anything to do with us.

DYLAN

Nope. No way. Nothing.

Dylan and Gordon stand in silence a moment – both JUMPING as suddenly their walkie-talkies burst to life.

DISPATCHER

(over radios)

All units in the vicinity of 6^th and Harper, please respond – bank robbery in progress. Suspects armed and dangerous, and… they seem to be dressed in some sort of costumes.

CUT TO:

EXT. BANK – DAY

The bank is surrounded by squad cars. Police hunker down behind them as GUNSHOTS ricochet off metal and shatter glass. Gordon and Dylan duck-run down the street towards the action, Gordon puffing to keep up.

DYLAN

Actual street duty! Eight years stuck in that musty office! It'll be a good feeling to actually help someone for once.

GORDON

(out of breath)

It’ll pass.

They stop behind a squad car, where Detective #1 and Detective #2 – the two cops who played the practical joke on Dylan – are crouching.

GORDON

What's up?

DETECTIVE #1

Take a friggin' guess, Sherlock. You must have finished first in your class!

(sees Dylan)

Hey! ‘Exorcist Squad’! Are you here in case this turns out to be a really pissed-off poltergeist?

Both Detectives snicker, exchanging high-fives. Dylan rolls his eyes.

DYLAN

Hello! We're getting shot at! Do you know how many are in there?

The car window above them is SHOT OUT, shards of glass raining around them. The Detectives get serious again in a hurry.

DETECTIVE #2

At least three, but it seems like thirty. And they have hostages.

GORDON

Do we know who they are?

DETECTIVE #1

Nobody knows who they really are. They say they're Jesse James, Billy the Kid and John Dillinger.

Dylan and Gordon exchange frowns.

INT. BANK

Decked out in full western gear, JESSE JAMES fires a shotgun through the doorway, then takes cover. He turns to BILLY THE KID, who is struggling to load a modern semi-automatic pistol.

JESSE JAMES

I'm out of bullets. Have you figured out how to load those consarn things yet?

BILLY THE KID

(examining gun)

The Mexicaner on the street corner said it was easy. I can't even tell where the dang bullets go...

Two SNOOTY WOMEN stand against the far wall, hands up, unimpressed.

SNOOTY WOMAN #1

Imagine dressing up like cowboys to rob a bank.

SNOOTY WOMAN #2

How gauche. It'll never catch on.

JOHN DILLINGER holds a pistol to their heads, effectively silencing them. He calls to Jesse and Billy nervously.

JOHN DILLINGER

I thought you assholes said you knew what you was doing. What I wouldn't give for a tommy gun right about now...

BILLY THE KID

Hold yer gol'darn horses. I'll figure it out...

He continues to struggle with the gun until a LITTLE BOY standing nearby steps up, hand outstretched. Billy looks at him a moment before handing him the gun. The Little Boy expertly loads the clip and slaps it into the pistol before handing it back to Billy, who pats him on the head.

BILLY THE KID

Good work, pard'.

(calls to Jesse and Dillinger)

Okay boys, let’s ride!

EXT. BANK

Jesse, Billy and Dillinger step out of the bank, armed to the teeth. Detective #1 calls out over a bullhorn.

DETECTIVE #1

Drop your weapons and put your hands over your heads. We’ve got you surrounded.

JESSE JAMES

Are you the Marshall? I'm calling out the Marshall. Or the Sheriff. Whichever you got in this here town.

The cops all exchange confused looks.

DETECTIVE #1

There's no Marshall here, Jethro, and the Sheriff's at a celebrity fundraiser. We're just a few dozen lowly sharpshooters with rifles trained on your ass. Now throw down your weapons.

Dillinger turns to Jesse and Billy.

JOHN DILLINGER

I’ll steal us one of them cars. You take care of the law.

Billy and Jesse nod, stepping into the middle of the street, ready to duel. Dillinger moves to a nearby Ferrari but can't figure out how to open the door. He tries a Lamborghini. Same problem. He finally comes across a vintage 1930’s Ford and sighs, relieved. Jesse calls to the cops, assuming a classic gunfighter’s stance.

JESSE JAMES

I'm countin' to three. When I reach three, draw...

One by one the cops all stand, unbelieving.

JESSE JAMES (cont.)

... One...

EXT. DILLINGER

Opening the vintage Ford’s door, Dillinger sets off the car’s alarm. He jumps in surprise, then climbs inside to hotwire it.

EXT. BANK

A SWAT team sharpshooter on a nearby roof shoots Billy in the back – the bullet just RICOCHETING off him. Several more bullets bounce off both Billy and Jesse, who grin confidently.

JESSE JAMES

... Two...

DETECTIVE #2

What the hell...?

JESSE JAMES

... Three!

The cops all dive for cover as Billy and Jesse open fire, the entire area EXPLODING in a hailstorm of bullets.

EXT. DILLINGER

The vintage Ford ROARS to life. Dillinger sits up, ready to make a triumphant getaway – only to find a large orange Club locked onto the steering wheel. He yanks and jerks at it to no avail, calling to Jesse and Billy in frustration.

JOHN DILLINGER

I can't steer the goddamned thing!

JESSE JAMES

It’s alright. We don't need it.

Enjoying their newfound invincibility, Jesse and Billy begin to advance on the line of squad cars, tossing their spent weapons aside and pulling out fresh guns. Dillinger finally gives up on the car, which rolls leisurely down the street. He steps up beside Jesse and Billy and starts shooting, the return fire from the police not even making them blink.

EXT. DYLAN AND GORDON

A policeman near Dylan stands to fire and is immediately SHOT, falling to the street in a fetal position.

DETECTIVE #1

Holy shit! Must be body armor!!!

(into police radio)

Officer down! He's hurt bad! We need more help here, and we need it right now!!!

Dylan stares at the dying officer in shock. Maybe being on the street isn't so great after all. It's obvious he's never seen a real death before. Taking a deep breath, he starts toward the downed cop, Gordon trying to hold him back.

GORDON

Are you nuts? Where are you going? Stay down!

DYLAN

I can't. I was a priest. I've got to give him last rites.

GORDON

(shrugs to Detectives)

Old habits die hard…

Dylan crawls over to the dying policeman. Removing a crucifix necklace from around his neck, he starts to administer the last rites.

EXT. BANK

Jesse and Billy suddenly stop, somehow hearing Dylan above the din of gunfire. Dillinger keeps blasting away, unaware.

BILLY THE KID

What in tarnation is that?

JESSE JAMES

(holding his ears)

Whatever it is, it's hurtin' my dang ears!

Now Dillinger stops firing, watching in puzzlement as Jesse and Billy drop their guns, covering their ears in pain. The police stop firing as well. Dylan continues to pray over the fallen cop, causing the robbers to howl in agony.

GORDON

It's the last rites...

(to Dylan)

It's you, man! It's the prayer! Go get them!

Looking up, Dylan sees Billy and Jesse in pain. Taking a deep breath, he holds up the cross, approaching the shrieking bandits.

DYLAN

Hands on your heads! On your knees!

Billy, Jesse and Dillinger fearfully put their hands on their heads, then on their knees.

DYLAN

No, I mean put your hands and your head, then get on your knees.

Whimpering, they do as Dylan tells them.

DYLAN

(to the other officers)

Cuff 'em.

The other officers rush forward, roughly handcuffing the robbers.

JESSE JAMES

We'll do anything, just put that cross away!

BILLY THE KID

And no more danged prayin’!

JOHN DILLINGER

(frowns, confused)

Hey, why did I have to stop? I'm an atheist...

They are led away as the Detectives both shake their heads, still stunned by what they’ve experienced.

DETECTIVE #1

I'm never making fun of the friggin' Exorcist Squad again.

DETECTIVE #2

A-men!

JESSE JAMES & BILLY THE KID (o.s.)

Stop it! Ow! No more! Consarn it!

Gordon hurries forward, slapping Dylan on the back happily.

GORDON

You did it, man! You did it!

DYLAN

(grimly)

Yeah, here. Something tells me this is gonna get a lot worse before it gets better.

CUT TO:

INT. MORTUARY – EMBALMING ROOM – DAY

Spenser Collins lies on the embalming table as a MORTICIAN prepares to insert a long tube into his chest cavity. Suddenly Collins' eyes OPEN, the dead man SITTING UP with a start.

COLLINS

(irritated)

Goddammit!!!

Climbing down from the table, Collins grabs a large plastic sack containing his clothes and storms out of the room. He ignores the Mortician, who sways a moment before fainting dead away.

CUT TO:

INT. CITY HALL – MAYOR’S OFFICE – DAY

Mayor Wiley sits behind his desk while assistants and advisors – including Deborah – have gathered for the last briefing of the day. Deborah reads from a leather bound notebook.

DEBORAH

… and finally, we’ve got a scheduling conflict tomorrow night. We’ve got you downtown at a benefit dinner for Cedars Sinai, and a movie premiere at the Chinese. I assume we’ll go with Cedars Sinai?

MAYOR WILEY

Who’s in the movie?

DEBORAH

(checks notes)

Charlie Sheen and Tori Spelling.

MAYOR WILEY

Cedars Sinai it is. Are we done?

Everyone exchanges looks – yep, they’re done. They file out of the office, glad to be finished for the day. Deborah lags behind the others, speaking to the mayor when they’re all gone.

DEBORAH

Can I talk to you, sir?

MAYOR WILEY

What’s on your mind?

DEBORAH

Yesterday when I told you about the ‘Exorcist Squad’ I just meant it as a funny anecdote. I didn’t mean for you to make such an issue of it, and I certainly didn’t mean for those men to be demoted…

Mayor Wiley rises, stepping out from behind his desk.

MAYOR WILEY

But it is the issue, don’t you see? The LAPD has been at the center of every problem this city has endured in the past ten years. Beatings, riots, bloody gloves, and now they’re wasting taxpayer dollars to chase down spooks and demons? It’s time we put a stop to it.

DEBORAH

I don’t know if that’s entirely fair…

The mayor puts a fatherly arm around Deborah’s shoulders. From her reaction it’s obvious she’s not used to such an intimate display from him.

MAYOR WILEY

Listen, I know your grandfather died the other day, and I know he was a cop, so you’re probably a little more touchy-feely than usual. But we have a rare opportunity here. I have the chance to make this city over in my image, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it.

DEBORAH

I’ve never heard you talk like this before.

MAYOR WILEY

It’s a new world, Deborah. Everything’s about to change.

(notices her frown)

Don’t think I’m not compassionate. I have plenty of compassion. I have compassion for this city, and the great people living in it. I plan to take very good care of them.

They both look up as another of the mayor’s assistants (RICHARD) hurries into the room.

RICHARD

We’ve got a problem downtown, sir!

MAYOR WILEY

(sighs)

Earthquake or riot?

RICHARD

Earthquake.

MAYOR WILEY

Magnitude?

RICHARD

Between 3 and 4, but a bunch of ‘em.

MAYOR WILEY

How many times do I have to tell you – anything under a 6.5 can wait.

(turns back to Deborah)

Anything else?

Deborah shakes her head, smiling wanly.

DEBORAH

No, I think that’ll about do it.

CUT TO:

INT. CITY HALL – PARKING GARAGE – NIGHT

It’s late, and there aren’t many vehicles in the garage as Deborah walks to her car. The place is empty and dark, the weak overhead lights casting an eerie glow on the whole scene. She glances around uneasily, quickening her pace as some sixth sense tells her something’s wrong here. Her footsteps echo back to her as blind panic overtakes her and she breaks into a run. Finally reaching her car she fumbles with her keys, jamming them into the lock and opening the door as she throws herself into…

INT. DEBORAH’S CAR

Locking the door, she breathes a tentative sigh of relief – JUMPING as a voice speaks softly.

VOICE (o.s.)

You should park closer to a light, Deborah. Some unsavory character could sneak into your car.

Deborah looks into the rear view mirror to see a man sitting in her back seat. Screaming, she turns… only to see that the man is Spenser Collins, looking very much like he’s been dead for a few days. She screams again.

COLLINS

(scowling)

All right lass, that’s enough screaming. I’m dead, I don’t need to be deaf as well. I'm a little ripe, too, so you might want to roll down the window a crack.

Deborah stares at her grandfather with a mixture of terror and love.

DEBORAH

Grandpa! You can’t be… you’re…

COLLINS

Dead. Yeah, I just said that. I find it best to just state it up front. Avoids confusion and it’s a heck of an icebreaker. It beats being called a – what was it? – ‘kook’?

DEBORAH

You heard that?

COLLINS

All the time. I worked for the Los Angeles Police Department for 45 years, and was called that at least once a day.

DEBORAH

But how are you here…?

COLLINS

‘How’ isn’t important. ‘Why’ is important. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the shit’s really hit the fan around here, and it’s only gonna get worse unless you do something to stop it.

DEBORAH

What’re you talking about? What’s happening?

COLLINS

Look, I don’t have much time. I can only sneak away for a few minutes at a pop. What I need you to do is get the Paranormal Operations Unit back up and running.

DEBORAH

But that unit was disbanded. The mayor…

At the mention of the mayor, Collins wrinkles his nose as if smelling something bad.

COLLINS

I know all about the mayor. And I know that he’d have never known about the unit if you hadn’t told him!

Deborah hangs her head contritely.

DEBORAH

I didn’t know he’d use it to attack the police.

COLLINS

Of course he’d use it! He’s a politician! If he heard cannibals had the vote he’d start biting babies instead of kissing them!

Eyes welling with tears, Deborah looks up at her grandfather.

DEBORAH

I’m sorry I didn’t come to visit you more, grandpa. Or call. I know I should have…

COLLINS

That’s bothering you? I die and you feel guilty for not visiting? Piss on that. Did you still love me even though you didn’t see me?

DEBORAH

Yes.

COLLINS

I felt the same about you. Love isn’t about visits or gifts or keeping score. It’s something you carry inside. Sometimes it’s strong and sometimes it’s weak, but it’s always there. Like faith. You understand?

Deborah dries her eyes with the back of her hand.

DEBORAH

I think so.

COLLINS

Good. It’s important you do. Now it’s time for me to go. I'm right in the middle of my embalming.

Collins climbs out of the car, Deborah watching him go, shaken yet thoughtful.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD – NIGHT

The entire city is being overrun by escapees from the bowels of Hell, all of whom are thrilled to be out. PANCHO VILLA and a gang of Mexican BANDITOS carouse up and down Hollywood Boulevard, drinking and SHOOTING their pistols in the air. A half-dozen police cars skid to a halt, Dylan sticking his head through the window of the lead car and reciting The Lord’s Prayer. The Banditos immediately drop their weapons and fall to their knees, cops jumping out of their cars to handcuff them.

CUT TO:

EXT. PORT OF LOS ANGELES – NIGHT

BLACKBEARD and a band of PIRATES have overtaken a Carnival Cruise ship, and are making passengers walk the plank. Approaching from the water, Dylan and Gordon arrive in a paddle-boat, Dylan reciting the Psalm of David over a bullhorn. The Pirates surrender, crying out in pain as cops swarm the ship to subdue them.

CUT TO:

EXT. MELROSE AVENUE – NIGHT

A line of NAZI SOLDIERS goose-step down the street as police cars skid to a halt in front of them, blocking their way. Dylan and Gordon climb out of the lead car, Gordon now bedecked in all sorts of religious trinkets. He looks like a cross between Rambo and the Pope.

GORDON

Let me do this one! I took German in high school.

DYLAN

Like you took Latin?

GORDON

Come on! Please please please please please…

DYLAN

Great. Buttface the vampire killer.

Gordon steps forward, brandishing the crucifixes on his chest valiantly.

GORDON

(in German – subtitled)

Bow before me, foul demons. I am a messenger of God. And if you don't throw down your weapons, he has ordained me to...

(forgets, snaps fingers)

... uh… kick your ass!

The NAZI COMMANDER barks instructions to his men. They ready their weapons, lining up like a firing squad.

DYLAN

Gordon? I don't think it's working.

Gordon struggles to regain his rudimentary grasp of the German language as the Nazi troops bring up their rifles, taking aim at him.

GORDON

(in German – subtitled)

Hear me, oh fallen ones! In the name of the father... and the... sunshine... and... holistic... spittoon...

(groans – in English)

Aw, crap...

Gordon dives behind the car as the Nazis OPEN FIRE, bullets screaming past.

DYLAN

Nice job.

GORDON

Why didn't it work?

DYLAN

It's not about just reciting a bunch of prayers. It’s about good versus evil. The message has to be pure and true and sincere. Whatever it is.

GORDON

Pure and sincere? I’m screwed! You take over!

As the Nazis advance Dylan suddenly stands up from behind the squad car and begins to sing the German version of ‘Oh Christmas Tree’.

DYLAN

O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum,

dwie treu sind deine Blätter!

Du grünst nicht nur zur Sommerszeit,

nein auch im Winter, wenn es schneit!

The Nazis reel, covering their ears in agony. Gordon realizes what's happening and joins in.

DYLAN & GORDON

O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum,

wie treu sind deine Blätter!

Soon all of the police are singing. Horrified, the Nazis raise their arms in surrender.

CUT TO:

EXT. MINI-MALL – NIGHT

A horde of VIKINGS attack a mini-mall, using broadswords and battle axes to lay waste to a Kinko’s, TCBY and Boston Market. Hearing something, they pause, turning to see a line of cops advancing on them. Led by Dylan and Gordon, the cops all hold hands, singing ‘Kumbaya’. The Vikings fall to their knees, covering their ears in agony.

CUT TO:

INT. BEVERLY CENTER – NIGHT

A group of ZULUS have overrun a Gap store, carrying the employees out on sticks. They stop when they find they are surrounded by police. Dylan and Gordon step forward, Gordon carrying a boom box CD player, Dylan an inspirational Kathie Lee Gifford CD. Dylan inserts the CD into the boom box, while Gordon hits ‘play’ and cranks the volume. As Kathie Lee’s voice blasts through the mall the Zulus cover their ears and scream… as do all the cops.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. POLICE PRECINCT – SQUAD ROOM – DAY

The next morning. The squad room is a beehive of activity. All shifts have been called in to handle the chaos in the streets. A HUN is led past Dylan and Gordon, who both slump onto a bench, exhausted.

DYLAN

Okay, just for the sake of argument, let’s assume this has something to do with what we saw at Union Station. What do we do about it?

GORDON

I don’t know – keep our mouths shut and hope it blows over?

They look up as Detective #2 approaches, on the verge of panic.

DETECTIVE #2

The USC Trojan marching band was just attacked by an army of Turks and Normans. This is spreading too fast. We’re being overrun!

Detective #2 wanders off in a daze. Dylan looks at the turmoil around them.

DYLAN

Singing inspirational songs isn’t going to solve our problems, we need to find out what’s causing this and stop it.

GORDON

Does that involve sleep? I’ll vote for any plan that involves sleep.

Captain Giraldi’s voice booms out from his office.

GIRALDI

McKee! Crumly! My office!

They drag themselves to their feet, trudging toward Giraldi’s office.

GORDON

Would it kill him to say please?

DYLAN

Something tells me your ‘blowing over’ theory may not be working out.

INT. POLICE PRECINCT – GIRALDI’S OFFICE

Dylan and Gordon enter, surprised to see Deborah standing with Giraldi.

DYLAN

(winces)

Oh, what’d we do now – park in the mayor’s favorite handicapped space?

Giraldi holds up a letter bearing the mayor’s official letterhead.

GIRALDI

Ms. Collins is here with a letter from the mayor ordering you both to be reassigned to the Paranormal Operations Unit, which in light of current events is to resume activities immediately.

Exhausted, Dylan and Gordon stare blankly. It takes them a moment to comprehend.

DYLAN

I’ve seen some weird stuff today, but this is the weirdest. What made him change his tune?

Deborah steps forward, speaking firmly.

DEBORAH

I did.

DYLAN

You? You’re the one who told him about the squad in the first place, right? I mean, how else would he have found out about it?

DEBORAH

I told him about the squad, but I never expected him to… Look, I got you reinstated, alright? With all the bizarre stuff happening around town I convinced him that we were the ones best qualified to take care of it.

Dylan and Gordon look to one another, then back to Deborah.

DYLAN

‘We’?

GORDON

Yeah, what’s this ‘we’ shit, kemosabe?

Giraldi waves the letter again.

GIRALDI

The mayor has ordered that Ms. Collins accompany you. He wants someone from the city to keep an eye on you two.

DYLAN

Why her? Why not someone with a little experience?

DEBORAH

In case you forgot, my grandfather founded this unit.

DYLAN

Which of course makes you completely qualified to handle the kind of stuff that’s happening out there.

GORDON

Yeah!

(aside, to Dylan)

Wait, does it?

(Dylan shakes his head ‘no’. Back to Deborah.)

Yeah!

Now it’s Giraldi’s turn to step forward and speak firmly.

GIRALDI

That’s enough discussion. I’ve got direct orders from the mayor. Now if you two decide to defy these orders I’m sure I can find a sewage plant with some turds that need guarding.

Dylan and Gordon both sigh, weighing the options. It doesn’t take long.

DYLAN & GORDON

(extend hands to Deborah)

Welcome to the squad.

Deborah shakes their hands as the three of them head out of the office.

GORDON

So where do we start?

DEBORAH

Actually, I’ve got an idea about that…

GORDON

(to Dylan)

Why am I not surprised?

Dylan nods ruefully as we…

CUT TO:

INT. COLLINS’ APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – DAY

Back in plainclothes (in Gordon’s case, very plain clothes), Dylan and Gordon help Deborah search Spenser Collins’ apartment. They look around haphazardly, opening cupboards and closets.

GORDON

What exactly are we looking for?

DEBORAH

I’m not sure. I just have a feeling my grandfather knew this was coming. Maybe he left some clues or something.

Dylan hesitantly approaches to the TV set, turning it on. He jumps in fear as the TV shows...

... Sally Jesse Raphael. Gordon sees Dylan jump.

GORDON

She's not that bad – I like the new nose.

Grabbing the remote, Gordon flips the channel and grins. The image onscreen changes to a helicopter shot from above the 405 freeway as a dozen highway patrol vehicles, lights flashing, pursue their suspect.

GORDON

Score! High speed chase!

TRAFFIC REPORTER (o.s.)

(on TV)

… as you can see we have a number of highway patrol cars speeding after someone in a… we can’t quite make it out yet, it looks like they’re driving… horses?

Dylan and Deborah turn to the TV, watching in fascination as the helicopter catches up to the chase. We now see that the cops are chasing the FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE down the freeway.

TRAFFIC REPORTER (o.s. – cont.)

They look like they’re wearing some sort of costumes, and their horses seem to be… it’s hard to tell from this height… breathing fire?

As the image on TV ZOOMS IN for a closer look, Dylan, Gordon and Deborah exchange nervous glances.

DEBORAH

I’ll look in the bedroom.

GORDON

Ooh! Bedroom, huh? I’ll help!

Dylan rolls his eyes as Gordon scurries into the bedroom after Deborah.

INT. COLLINS’ APARTMENT – BEDROOM

Deborah hunts through the closet while Gordon glances out the window, which boasts a view of Union Station. The sky is black with smoke, the station surrounded by squad cars and emergency vehicles, their flashers strobing.

GORDON

This is so not good.

(turns to Deborah)

Y’know, I’m glad you’re working with us. Nice to have another member on the team.

DEBORAH

It didn’t sound that way back at the station.

Gordon scoffs, moving away from the window.

GORDON

Aw, that was just for my partner. He’s kind of a tightass when it comes to change, you know how it is. Me? I’m always open to new experiences.

Deborah sticks her head out of the closet, smiling at Gordon.

DEBORAH

So let me guess – you’re not married, right?

GORDON

I was.

DEBORAH

Why’d she leave you?

GORDON

(offended)

Why’d she leave me? Thanks for the assumption!

DEBORAH

Okay, why’d you leave her?

Gordon grins sheepishly.

GORDON

I didn’t say it was the wrong assumption. What about you? Married? Kids?

DEBORAH

Ah, avoiding the question – you could be a politician. I married my career. And as for kids, I have the mayor.

GORDON

No offense, but your kid’s a spoiled brat. You don’t even have a boyfriend, a fiancé, a significant other, nothing?

DEBORAH

Nope. No time. I spend all day scheduling events for the mayor to appear at, and all night accompanying him to those events.

(pauses, frowns)

Man, I’d never looked at it like that before. How depressing.

GORDON

For two people with nothing in common, we’ve got a lot in common.

DEBORAH

In what way?

GORDON

We do everything we can to distance ourselves from having a real relationship.

Deborah looks at him, surprised. Pleasantly surprised.

DEBORAH

Wow. You almost sounded like an actual person there. Maybe you’re not the pain in the ass I thought you were.

GORDON

No, I am.

She laughs. Gordon looks at her pointedly.

GORDON (cont.)

So, would you ever consider un-distancing yourself from a real relationship?

DEBORAH

Is that an invitation?

GORDON

If you say yes. If you say no I’ll pretend I was just joking.

DEBORAH

I guess I’d have to find someone I could believe in first.

They look at one another a moment. A moment that is surprisingly intense for both of them. They both turn when Dylan calls from the next room:

DYLAN (o.s.)

Hey you guys! I think I found something!

INT. COLLINS’ APARTMENT – KITCHEN

Gordon and Deborah hurry into the kitchen just as Dylan pulls a large cardboard box from a high cupboard. Scrawled on the side are the words ‘Paranormal Ops’. Placing the box on the floor he kneels, opening it carefully.

DEBORAH

What’s in it?

DYLAN

(sifting through)

Looks like a bunch of papers… some files… and this.

Dylan holds up an old diary – the kind with a little lock on the cover, like a teenage girl might use.

GORDON

Aw, how adorable. Was your grandfather into teddy bears and pillow fights, too?

Dylan pulls the envelope containing the tiny KEY from his pocket. He inserts the key into the diary’s lock and turns, the lock popping open. He looks up at the other two gravely.

DYLAN

I think he did know this was coming.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. COLLINS’ APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Later. Dylan reads from the diary while Deborah sits cross-legged on the floor, going through the files in the box. Gordon is slouched on the couch, remote in hand, flipping through channels on the TV. Every show is a live news report about the escalating chaos throughout the city, or a Tae-Bo infomercial.

DEBORAH

I had no idea this had been going on so long. Does it say anything about what might be causing all this?

DYLAN

Yeah. And if your grandfather knew what he was talking about – and recent events make me think he just might have – then we’re in some major league trouble here.

Dylan’s serious tone causes Gordon and Deborah to turn to him, concerned. He’s got their attention.

DYLAN (cont.)

On Halloween night in 1950 a portal to Hell opened up directly below Union Station. Sound familiar? Turns out the demon who controlled that portal – your grandfather called him ‘Minos’ – escaped in an effort to take control of LA.

Standing, Deborah laughs, still having a hard time believing all of this.

DEBORAH

Take over LA? That’s it? I’d think if you were going take the trouble to escape from Hell you’d aim a little higher. At least New York.

GORDON

Forget New York – where’s the challenge? Plus, who’d notice?

DYLAN

Your grandfather thought LA was only a first step. They were tipped off to the demon’s presence when strange people started to appear all over town. Famous people. Famous dead people. Does that sound familiar? At any rate, they managed to send Minos and all the lost souls back through the portal. But they were never able to completely close it.

GORDON

So what, you’re saying there’s been an open portal to Hell under Union Station all these years?

(thinks)

That might explain why stupid Amtrack is never on time.

DEBORAH

Then why couldn’t this Minos guy just come out and take over the city any time he felt like?

Dylan glances through the diary, flipping back until he finds the page he wants.

DYLAN

(reads)

“After my retirement I rented a crappy little apartment across the street from Union Station to keep watch that the demon dare not make another appearance. A sentinel, so to speak. When I’m gone there’ll be no one to stand guard. The demon will be free once more.” Then he bitches for the next ten pages about the plumbing.

Gordon stands, gesturing impatiently.

GORDON

Okay, so the guy knew what was going to happen. Does he say what we should do about it, or was he too fascinated by his toilet backing up to mention it?

DYLAN

He says he thinks Minos would want to possess the body of someone in power in order to operate smoothly and without interference.

Deborah’s eyes go wide with a sudden realization.

DEBORAH

Mayor Wiley.

DYLAN

What’s that?

DEBORAH

It’s Mayor Wiley. It has to be. I wondered why he was acting so weird yesterday, talking about making the city over in his image, and how everything was going to change because it was going to be a new world. He even put his arm around me.

GORDON

Eew, he touched you? Did you boil yourself afterward?

Dylan thinks it over carefully.

DYLAN

No, it doesn’t fly. If he was possessed by Minos, why would he reassign us to Paranormal Ops?

DEBORAH

(sheepishly)

He didn’t. I did. I forged the letter.

Gordon leans against a doorframe, rubbing his temples.

GORDON

Am I the only one who feels a major headache coming on?

DYLAN

Why’d you do that? If they find out…

DEBORAH

… I’m in deep shit, I know. I did it because… I know it sounds crazy… I did it because my grandfather appeared and told me to.

GORDON

(raises hand)

Doesn’t sound crazy to me. I saw him kick the snot out of my partner. Pretty fast moves for a dead guy.

Dylan takes a deep breath, fessing up.

DYLAN

It doesn’t sound crazy to me, either. I never told anybody this, but that night in the apartment your grandfather talked to me through the TV.

Gordon looks at Dylan angrily.

GORDON

What? You saw something that night? I was almost suspended for filing a false report, and you weren’t gonna say anything? You dick!

DYLAN

I just… a part of me couldn’t accept that it actually happened. After years answering crank calls and listening to nutcases I’d convinced myself this kind of stuff didn’t really exist. Then to see that…

GORDON

(takes a deep, calming breath)

I want you to know that I’m not angry with you, Dylan. I’m just very, very disappointed.

Deborah steps up, taking charge.

DEBORAH

We know what we have to do – we’ve got to exorcise the demon from inside the mayor. You guys do know how to perform an exorcism. It was part of your training, right?

Dylan and Gordon look to one another blankly, then turn and flash weak smiles at Deborah. She closes her eyes, shaking her head tiredly.

DEBORAH

Great. I’m going to fight the powers of darkness with Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dumber.

PAN to the TV, where Kent Carlyle speaks into the camera, filing another exclusive report from downtown.

KENT CARLYLE

(on TV)

Despite the recent bizarre events that have taken place around the city, the resilient residents here on Olivera Street still prepare for their yearly Day of the Dead celebration…

CUT TO:

EXT. OLIVERA STREET – NIGHT

Olivera Street is decorated for the annual Day of the Dead festivities. Kent Carlyle speaks to a TV camera as people in costumes – mixed with various escapees from Hell not in costume – mill about behind him.

KENT CARLYLE

Despite recent earthquakes and fires, these hardy citizens refuse to be…

Suddenly a HUGE COLUMN OF FLAME shoots into the sky, rising up from Union Station behind them. The flames quickly MORPH into DEMONS, with WINGS, SCALES, and SCORPION'S TAILS. They scatter to all corners of the city as people watch in shock.

KENT CARLYLE

What the fuck…

(remembers they’re on the air)

… I mean, what the hey!

CUT TO:

INT. GREAT WESTERN FORUM – NIGHT

A rock concert is in progress, a heavy metal band thrashing away as a huge papier-mâché demon's head with glowing eyes grins at the audience from the stage. The LEAD VOCALIST growls barely decipherable lyrics about death and Satan into the microphone as the crowd goes wild.

Suddenly real DEMONS BURST through the roof, landing onstage where one DEVOURS THE HEAD of the lead vocalist. The rest of the band drop their instruments and flee. Thinking it’s part of the show the crowd erupts… until the demons, grinning wickedly, pick up the instruments and begin playing a bouncy version of ‘Danke Shoen’. The kids in the crowd go silent in shock, before rushing for the exits in horror.

CUT TO:

EXT. UNIVERSAL STUDIOS – NIGHT

A tram on the Universal Studios Tour passes by the ‘Jaws’ lagoon. A bored TRAM GUIDE delivers his spiel to equally bored tourists.

TRAM GUIDE

And here we have a seemingly tranquil lagoon. But I must remind you to keep your hands and arms inside the tram, because you never know what…

Suddenly a GIGANTIC DEMON lunges out of the lagoon, YANKS the Guide out of the tram and pulls him beneath the water. The tourists stare blankly for a moment. Then:

TOURIST #1

This is a lot better than last time…

The tourists applaud as we…

CUT TO:

EXT. OLIVERA STREET – NIGHT

Kent Carlyle speaks into the camera while three demons stand behind him, making goofy faces and ‘v’ signs with their fingers behind his head.

KENT CARLYLE

Los Angeles is being overrun by gangs of demons, devils, succubae and postal employees. They claim to be from Hell.

CUT TO:

EXT. CHINESE THEATRE – NIGHT

The courtyard of the Chinese Theatre. Oblivious to the chaos around them, tourists match their hand and footprints to those of famous stars embedded in concrete. PAN to a demon putting his cloven hooves in Trigger’s hoof prints while another demon snaps his picture with a disposable camera.

CUT TO:

EXT. ALLEYWAY – NIGHT

An ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER drives down the street, stopping when he sees a large dog disappear into an alleyway. Stopping his truck he climbs out, grabbing a long pole with a harness attached before starting down the cluttered, trash-strewn alley.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER

Where are you, boy? Don’t be afraid. I’ve got a nice home for you with a lot of other nice puppies…

The officer stops when he sees the dog’s head peek out from behind a dumpster… then another head… then another. He backs up in terror as CERBERUS, the three-headed hound of Hell from Greek folklore, SNARLS and GROWLS, FOAM DRIPPING from it’s jaws and eyes BURNING RED.

CUT TO:

INT. ‘BODIES IN MOTION’ GYM – NIGHT

People sweat and strain as they use treadmills, Lifecycles, Stairmasters, lift free weights and take aerobics classes – but instead of trainers they are prodded along by demons with whips and pitchforks.

CUT TO:

INT. GREAT WESTERN FORUM – NIGHT

Back to the concert we saw earlier. The Forum is ablaze, a raging inferno. The demons back-up Nero, who plays his violin as he and JIM MORRISON sing a duet of ‘Light My Fire’.

NERO

Id esse falsum scis

Me esse mendacum scis

Si tibi dicerem

"Puella, fieri altiores non possimus."

Age, columba, incende ignem meum.

Age, columba, incende ignem meum.

Tempta incendere noctem...

CUT TO:

EXT. OLIVERA STREET – NIGHT

Kent Carlyle now hangs upside down from a lamppost. One demon points a video camera at him while two others swing him back and forth. Always the trooper, he continues to report.

KENT CARLYLE

Many areas of the city now appear to be completely overrun. However reports filtering in seem to indicate that LA residents are starting to fight back…

CUT TO:

EXT. WATTS – NIGHT

A CREVICE opens in the middle of the street, NATHAN BEDFORD FORREST climbing out of the pit in full Ku Klux Klan robes. Happy to be free, he calls out triumphantly.

NATHAN BEDFORD FORREST

The South will rise again!

He looks around to see he’s surrounded by African-American men and women, who glare at him in disbelief.

NATHAN BEDFORD FORREST

Oh shit.

Forrest hauls ass running. The crowd of onlookers turn to one another before finally taking off after him.

KENT CARLYLE (v.o.)

… They’re fighting off Klansmen in Watts…

CUT TO:

EXT. FAIRFAX DISTRICT – NIGHT

A CREVICE opens in the middle of the street, Adolf Hitler climbing out of the pit. Happy to be free, he calls out triumphantly.

ADOLF HITLER

Der Reich steigt wieder!

He looks around to see he’s surrounded by Hassidic Jews, who glare at him in disbelief.

ADOLF HITLER

Oh scheize.

Hitler hauls ass running. The Hassidic Jews turn to one another before finally taking off after him.

KENT CARLYLE (v.o.)

… They’re battling Nazis in the Fairfax district… and they’re beating O.J. Simpson in Brentwood. O.J.’s not from Hell, but LA residents have apparently decided it was time to start beating him…

CUT TO:

EXT. OLIVERA STREET – NIGHT

Kent Carlyle has now been stuffed into a giant piñata, only his head and the hand holding his microphone visible. One demon continues to film him while the others take whacks at him with long sticks. He signs off, a professional to the end.

KENT CARLYLE (cont.)

… This is Kent Carlyle, reporting.

CUT TO:

INT. DEBORAH’S CAR – NIGHT

Deborah guides her Mercedes through city streets clogged with panicking citizens and rampaging demons. Gordon sits in the passenger seat, rolling down his window to holler at a group of demons herding tourists across the road with pitchforks.

GORDON

Hey, move ‘em along, wouldya? If they’re too slow give ‘em a poke! You act like you’ve never used a pitchfork before!

Tense, Deborah nods to a satchel on the floor near Gordon’s feet.

DEBORAH

Do we have everything?

GORDON

(rummaging through satchel)

I think so – Bibles, rosaries, crucifixes, candles, incense, whisky.

DEBORAH

Whiskey? What do we need that for?

GORDON

Holy Communion before battle.

This brings Deborah up short. She looks at Gordon in surprise.

DEBORAH

My grandfather always used to say that before he took a drink.

GORDON

I’ve been meaning to tell you, all that stuff we learned about your grandfather? I think he was a pretty amazing guy.

DEBORAH

Just for the record – complimenting my grandfather is not going to get you into my pants.

GORDON

That’s not why I’m complimenting him! I mean, if it happened, hey, great side effect. But I really mean it. Founding this squad, then sacrificing the last years of his life to save the city… I wish I’d met him before he died, ‘cuz after he died he was a little cranky.

Deborah looks at him pointedly.

DEBORAH

Would you sacrifice yourself for something you believed in?

GORDON

I guess I’d have to find something I believed in first.

They share a smile, Gordon turning to call out the window again.

GORDON

Let’s go! You with the scales – move that pointy tail of yours!

CUT TO:

INT. ORNATE CHURCH – NIGHT

Worshippers crowd the front of the church, praying urgently and lighting candles. Dylan stands uncomfortably in the back, surreptitiously filling plastic bottles with holy water from a small basin. Finishing, he starts to leave – pausing when he sees the confessionals along one wall. He finds himself moving toward them. Cutting through the pews, Dylan bumps into a WINO sleeping on the wooden bench, waking him with a start.

WINO

Any holy wine left, father?

Frowning, Dylan hurries toward a confessional booth and steps inside. As he closes the door the Wino sits up. Looking anxious he stands, stepping into the opposite side of the confessional that Dylan entered.

INT. CONFESSIONAL – DYLAN

Through the thick screen separating the two halves of the booth, Dylan sees a figure take a seat in the next stall.

DYLAN

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It’s been a few years since my last confession. I haven’t been too bad. I’ve taken the name of the Lord in vain…I’ve had impure thoughts, especially around Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue time… I opened up a gate to Hell… I took an extra newspaper from a coin-operated machine…

A voice filters through the screen.

WINO (o.s.)

Mmmmmmmmmm…

DYLAN

(sighs – caught)

Okay, I know – the gate to Hell thing. I can explain. You see, I used to be a priest myself, but I was led astray. Well, I guess I sort of led myself astray. I don’t know how it happened. One day I just woke up and realized that I had stopped believing. I couldn’t tell you the exact moment or reason, it just happened. Do you understand?

WINO (o.s.)

(emphatically)

Mmmmmmhmmmmmm…

DYLAN

So I became a cop. You know, good Irish boy, either be a priest or a cop, right? So what assignment do they give me? Paranormal Operations. People reporting demons and miracles and visions and before I know it I’m hip deep in theology all over again. And if you think I had trouble believing this stuff before, after dealing with these lunatics five days a week I’m completely cynical, you know what I mean?

The voice speaks deeply.

WINO (o.s.)

Oh yeah…

DYLAN

Exactly. But these last few days I’ve had experiences that weren’t like anything I’d ever seen before. They felt real, like I’d stumbled on proof that there is another plane of existence. And suddenly it seems like everything I believe in is false – for the second time! And oh yeah, that’s when I opened up the gate to Hell. So now I don’t know what to believe anymore. What can I do, Father?

The figure in the other side of the booth leans close to the screen, speaking roughly.

WINO (o.s.)

You got any toilet paper on that side? I’m all out over here…

Dylan squints through the screen in disbelief as we…

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CITY HALL – PARKING GARAGE – NIGHT

Gordon and Deborah wait near the elevators as Dylan pulls up in the smog-belching 1950 Mercury. Climbing out of the car, Dylan carries a crucifix and the bottles of holy water as the three of them step into the elevator.

DYLAN

Are we ready?

DEBORAH

Let’s do it.

GORDON

Just for the record, if he starts barfing? I’m outta there.

Dylan and Deborah give him a look as the elevator doors close.

INT. CITY HALL – ELEVATOR

They ride in silence a moment, everyone tense.

DYLAN

Did you get everything?

DEBORAH

(holding up satchel)

Pretty much.

Gordon hands Dylan a couple sheets of paper.

GORDON

We couldn’t find the English translation for the exorcism ritual.

DYLAN

(takes pages from Gordon)

Then what are these?

GORDON

From the movie ‘The Exorcist’. I copied it down.

DYLAN

You mean to tell me we’re going to battle evil incarnate with prayers you got from a movie?

GORDON

It’s a pretty good movie…

DEBORAH

(cuts in)

It’s all we could find. It’ll have to do. We just have to hope he hasn’t become too powerful.

CUT TO:

INT. CITY HALL – MAYOR’S OFFICE – NIGHT

The mayor stands at the window, looking over the city skyline, which glows orange from the countless fires burning. His assistant Richard briefs him on the devastation.

RICHARD

Fires are burning all over the city, earthquakes are turning buildings to rubble, and freaks and killers are roaming the streets. Luckily everyone in LA is used to this sort of thing, so not everyone knows what’s going on.

MAYOR WILEY

The consensus is that this is some sort of supernatural event? Where’s the church?

RICHARD

We contacted representatives from every religious group we could think of. They refuse to get involved. It’s too high profile, it’d look bad if they couldn’t stop it.

(pulls out notebook)

If I could be so bold, sir, I’ve come up with a few ideas. Should we not be able to close the apparent portal to Hell which is engulfing the city, I suggest we turn it to our advantage. Two words: amusement park.

The mayor turns away from the window, not sure he’s heard correctly.

MAYOR WILEY

What?

RICHARD

Hear me out. One of our problems in recent years is dwindling tourism dollars. Why? Because Los Angeles no longer has any legitimate tourist attractions within it’s borders. Disneyland? Anaheim. Knott’s Berry Farm? Buena Park. Universal Studios? Burbank. Magic Mountain? Placentia. I propose we turn the city into one gigantic amusement park. We could call it ‘Hell-LA’.

Just then Deborah steps into the office. She speaks to Richard curtly.

DEBORAH

Meeting’s over, Richard. Out.

RICHARD

(to mayor)

Think about what we discussed, sir.

Richard gives Deborah a sneer as he exits. Mayor Wiley seems glad to see her.

MAYOR WILEY

Deborah, where have you been? The biggest crisis of my administration and you pick today to disappear!

DEBORAH

I was with a couple of friends.

On cue, Dylan and Gordon step into the room. Gordon closes the door, locking it behind them. The mayor reacts angrily.

MAYOR WILEY

What are those two doing here? And why are you closing the door? I made a mistake demoting you two, I should have had you fired! That’s a mistake I won’t make again.

Mayor Wiley starts for his desk, reaching for the phone. Gordon quickly yanks the cord out of the wall while Dylan advances, crucifix held in front of him.

DYLAN

We know who you are, Spawn of Satan!

MAYOR WILEY

Christ, I’ve never seen two guys take a pay cut this badly.

GORDON

Pay cut? We got a pay cut?

(grabs the mayor and throws him into chair)

Siddown, Devil Boy! I hope the demon leaves by way of your ass!

The mayor turns to Deborah pleadingly.

MAYOR WILEY

Deborah, what’s this all about? I don’t have time for this nonsense.

DEBORAH

I’m sorry, sir. It’s the only way.

DYLAN

Tie him down.

(no one makes a move)

Come on, tie him down, let’s go.

GORDON

With what?

DYLAN

You guys didn’t bring any rope?

GORDON

No one said anything about any rope.

DYLAN

Well what’d you think, we were gonna let him run all over the place?

Mayor Wiley rolls his eyes in disgust.

MAYOR WILEY

This is like being kidnapped by Laurel and Hardy.

Deborah kneels, rifling through the satchel impatiently.

DEBORAH

Hang on, there’s got to be something in here we can use…

CUT TO:

INT. CITY HALL – MAYOR’S OFFICE – LATER

A little while later. Gordon finishes trying the mayor’s arms to his chair with rosaries. He tugs on the bonds to make sure they’re tight.

GORDON

There. I think we’re ready to start the exorcism.

MAYOR WILEY

Exorcism? What the hell are you talking about?

GORDON

Just what you think we’re talking about, Mayor Wiley – or should I say ‘Minos’.

Mayor Wiley looks to Deborah in disbelief.

MAYOR WILEY

You believe this insanity, Deborah? You know better than this.

GORDON

Don’t listen to the demon! He’s a liar!

MAYOR WILEY

I’m not a demon!

GORDON

See!

Dylan steps forward, unscrewing the cap from one of the bottles containing holy water.

DYLAN

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

He splashes the holy water on Mayor Wiley, who squirms and yells angrily.

MAYOR WILEY

Hey, cut it out, willya!

GORDON

It burns him! The holy water burns his skin!

MAYOR WILEY

Like hell. This is a $900 suit you idiots! The last thing I need is holy water stains.

Setting the bottle aside, Dylan begins reading from the pages Gordon gave him in the elevator.

DYLAN

Proud men have risen up against me, men of violence seek my life, but God is my helper, and the Lord sustains my life. Save yourself…

Dylan holds the pages up to Gordon, nodding for him to read.

GORDON

(finding his place)

Uh… who places his trust in Thee, my God.

DYLAN

Be unto him, my Lord, a fortified tower.

GORDON

In the face of the enemy.

DYLAN

Your mother sucks cocks in Hell.

Brow furrowing, Dylan reads the page more carefully, turning to Gordon, who shrugs.

GORDON

Sorry. I just always thought that was a funny line…

Both Deborah and Mayor Wiley shake their heads in disbelief as Dylan returns to the pages.

DYLAN

Save me, oh God, by Thy name, and by Thy might defend my cause. Grant me, your unworthy servant, pardon for all my sins, and the power to confront this cruel semen.

(pauses)

‘Semen’?

He shows the pages to Gordon, who squints at them, reading.

GORDON

‘Demon’. It says ‘demon’.

DYLAN

You couldn’t have taken two minutes and typed it?

(back to Mayor Wiley)

… this cruel demon. Oh Lord hear my prayer…

Dylan once again holds up the pages for Gordon to read. But Gordon falters, looking a little pale.

GORDON

Let me see… oh, there it is – Let my cry come unto Thee.

DYLAN

The Lord be with you.

GORDON

And also with you.

Dylan notices as Gordon grabs the corner of the desk to steady himself.

DYLAN

Are you okay?

GORDON

Yeah, I’m fine. Just feeling a little shaky. Probably ate something that didn’t agree with me. If I could just sit down…

Gordon moves to a chair in the far corner of the room, plopping down tiredly. Dylan nods for Deborah to join him as he continues.

DYLAN

I cast you out, unclean spirit! Be gone from this creature of God. I command you by the Judge of the living and the dead.

He shows the pages to Deborah, who grins apologetically at the mayor.

DEBORAH

Sir, I hope that when this is all over it won't affect our working relationship…

Dylan gives her a look, then they both begin to chant at the mayor, who stares at them unemotionally, only looking down briefly to glance at his watch.

DYLAN & DEBORAH

The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you… !

As they chant they don’t notice that behind them Gordon is starting to twitch. The twitching quickly becomes the shakes, and even more quickly full-on convulsions. His chest SWELLS, and then his THROAT, and suddenly, with a moist ‘BLORRP!’ sound, MINOS emerges from Gordon’s mouth.

Deborah, Dylan and (especially) the mayor SCREAM. Looking just as we saw him in 1950, Minos wipes himself off, turning to a stunned Dylan and Deborah gratefully.

MINOS

Thank you! I’ve been trying to get out of there for days!

GORDON

(spitting unhappily)

Bleah! Tastes like I swallowed a lizard!

MINOS

How do you think I feel? After two days knocking around in you I feel like I need a shower. I’ve seen stray dogs with healthier diets!

DYLAN

Holy… All this time Gordon’s been possessed?

DEBORAH

That explains a lot…

Minos turns on them, irritated. His eyes flash RED, causing them to take a step back.

MINOS

No he wasn’t possessed! The insignificant little twit ate the danish I was hiding in!

DYLAN

The danish? You really were in the danish?

MINOS

I was laying low until it was time to make my move. And then this idiot decides he’s hungry! Normally I’m all for gluttony…

The mayor calls out, not happy to be the only one tied down in a room containing a real live demon from Hell.

MAYOR WILEY

Uh, since now you know I’m not the demon, could somebody untie me?

They ignore him, Deborah looking to Minos curiously.

DEBORAH

So you weren’t controlling his actions? He’s really like that?

MINOS

I didn’t take control of him, he ate me. Nothing I could do. Basically I hung out in his memory bank and watched porno.

(to Gordon)

Some of that stuff was in bad taste even for me.

GORDON

Hey, I didn’t rent the horse one. That was at a friend’s bachelor party.

Dylan stares at Minos, fascinated. This is what he’s fought against his entire adult life, in one way or another, made flesh.

DYLAN

Who are you?

MINOS

I am Minos, Judge of the Underworld. My name in Hebrew is Abaddon. In Greek I am called Apollyon. You can call me… Bob.

GORDON

Gordon Crumly. Sagittarius. Moon in Virgo. And by the way, you taste terrible, Bob.

(winces)

That’s a phrase I never thought I’d say.

DYLAN

What do you want from us? Why have you come?

MINOS

I guard the portal to Hell and sit in judgement of the dead. And I have decided that I want more. Now that I am free no one can stop me! My minions will spread to every corner of the globe! We will enslave all of humanity, reigning on the surface as we have in the underworld! And you are the ones who opened the portal!

Minos throws back his head and unleashes a HOWLING, BOOMING, UNEARTHLY LAUGH, which shakes the entire building. Gordon nods, impressed.

GORDON

He’s definitely got the evil laugh thing down.

MAYOR WILEY

(terrified)

Guys? Little help here? Seriously.

Dylan steps toward Minos defiantly.

DYLAN

What’re you going to do, unleash a series of plagues? Are you gonna release locusts? There’re no crops to ruin! You gonna make the ocean run red? It’ll be cleaner than it is now!

MINOS

You want plagues? I’ll give you plagues. I know precisely how to bring this city to its knees!

(turns to the window, arms outstretched)

Ribbeticus hoppitorum!

CUT TO:

EXT. AROUND LA – VARIOUS SHOTS – NIGHT

People watch in horror as millions of FROGS begin to rain from the sky. They cover the ground like a slimy green snowfall, hopping and croaking. A CRANKY PEDESTRIAN looks up.

CRANKY PEDESTRIAN

And I thought the Medfly problem was bad...

CUT TO:

INT. CITY HALL – MAYOR’S OFFICE – NIGHT

Dylan steps up beside Minos, both staring out the window as frogs fall from the sky.

DYLAN

Frogs?

MINOS

Hey, frogs are classic. I see – you want something a little more LA Okay then...

(calling out)

Computori technogeekus!

CUT TO:

INT. AROUND LA – VARIOUS SHOTS – NIGHT

A series of shots – in offices, financial institutions, emergency dispatch centers – as every computer in the city suddenly blinks off, then begins to play ‘Pong’.

CUT TO:

INT. CITY HALL – MAYOR’S OFFICE – NIGHT

Dylan, Gordon and Deborah notice as the computer on the mayor’s desk is affected. Minos, arms spread wide, calls out again.

MINOS

Surgicado cosmeticus!

CUT TO:

INT./EXT. AROUND LA – VARIOUS SHOTS – NIGHT

More shots around the city as all plastic surgery SPONTANEOUSLY REVERSES itself. Boobs shrink, noses grow back, chins disappear, thighs and asses re-inflate, teeth un-cap, hairlines recede.

CUT TO:

INT. CITY HALL – MAYOR’S OFFICE – NIGHT

Dylan, Gordon and Deborah watch in amazement as the mayor undergoes a complete TRANSFORMATION – he goes from looking like a reasonably handsome middle-aged man to Jabba the Hutt as all his cosmetic surgeries reverse themselves.

DEBORAH

Sir? I didn’t know you had work done…

Mayor Wiley catches a glimpse of himself in a mirror hanging on the wall. He cries out in despair.

MAYOR WILEY

Would you vote for someone who looked like this?

GORDON

He’s got a point…

MINOS

Now I hate to plague and run, but I’ve got one last score to settle…

(turns to Deborah, grinning evilly)

… with your grandfather.

DEBORAH

My grandfather’s dead!

MINOS

Hasn’t exactly stopped him from popping on down and giving you advice now, has it? Your grandfather defeated me fifty years ago, and I vowed one day I’d have his soul. That day has come.

DEBORAH

You’re too late, he’ll never fall for your tricks.

MINOS

I don’t resort to tricks, my dear. I find the direct approach works much better. If you want to get someone’s attention, you take something they treasure.

With that Minos opens his robes to reveal the TORMENTED FACES of lost souls. He extends a clawed hand toward Deborah, who screams in terror as she is SUCKED into his cloak, becoming one of the SHRIEKING, AGONIZED FACES. Gordon starts to charge the demon in an attempt to save her.

GORDON

No!!!

Dylan grabs Gordon, holding him back as Minos closes his robes, a pair of leathery WINGS sprouting from his back. Once again letting out a HIDEOUS, DEAFENING LAUGH, Minos SMASHES through the window, FLYING OFF over the LA skyline. Gordon wrestles free from Dylan’s grasp.

GORDON

What’d you hold me back for, man? I could’ve taken him!

DYLAN

Oh, well, forgive me if I thought an ageless, all-powerful demon from the pit of Hell versus an out-of-shape LA cop was a slight mismatch.

GORDON

What’re we gonna do? We don’t even know where they’re going!

DYLAN

If you wanted to send someone to Hell, wouldn’t you go where there’s easy access to the netherworld?

GORDON

We’re already at City Hall!

(Dylan gives him a look)

Oh! Union Station! Right…

They race out the door… completely forgetting the mayor, who is still tied to his chair. He calls out after them.

MAYOR WILEY

By the way, if you guys manage to save Deborah from the fires of Hell, you might want to tell her that she’s fired!!!

CUT TO:

INT. MORTUARY – VIEWING ROOM – NIGHT

Spenser Collins lies in an open coffin on a riser. He wears a cheap funeral suit and his face is covered with make-up, heavy on the rouge. A couple of old women cry softly as they stand over him. Suddenly Collins' eyes OPEN again and he SITS UP. Shrieking in terror, the old women run in fear.

COLLINS

(angry)

God DAMN it!!!

Hearing the commotion, the Mortician rushes into the room. He's just in time to see Collins climb out of the coffin and pass by him as he heads out the door.

COLLINS

Keep my seat warm. I'll be back.

Once again the Mortician sways a moment before falling backwards in a dead faint.

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY HALL PARKING GARAGE – NIGHT

The 1950 Mercury coughs and rattles out of the garage, sputtering down the street.

INT. MERCURY

Dylan drives, while Gordon fidgets impatiently in the passenger seat.

GORDON

What’re we gonna do when we get to Union Station?

DYLAN

I’m not sure.

GORDON

You’re not sure? We’re battling demons, risking our lives, and then we’re gonna get there and improvise? I wasn’t that great a beat cop, but at least I knew how to handcuff a guy! What was your training, watch a few episodes of ‘The Twilight Zone’ and they give you a badge?

EXT. CITY STREET

They approach a gigantic billboard advertising buxom b-movie wannabe Angelyne, Gordon sticking his head out the car window and looking around.

GORDON

I don’t see any demons – maybe things are starting to return to normal.

There is a CREAKING and SPLINTERING sound overhead, as a giant ANGELYNE steps down from her billboard. She stands in the road ahead of them, focusing on their car with a nasty grin.

DYLAN

Wrong again, Nostradamus.

Dylan steps on the gas, guiding the car between Angelyne’s feet. The Mercury careens from street to street in an unsuccessful attempt to lose the gigantic Angelyne, who clomps after them.

INT. MERCURY

Gordon grabs the radio mike, speaking urgently.

GORDON

This is the Paranormal Unit. We're tailing Minos, the demon judge of the underworld, to the gateway to Hell at Union Station, and we're being chased by a giant, big-titted billboard. Requesting immediate back-up.

There is a disbelieving pause at the other end of the line.

DISPATCHER (o.s.)

(over radio)

Fuck you, Gordon! There’s enough weird shit without you screwing around on the radio!

Gordon hangs up the mike, shrugging to Dylan.

GORDON

Make a few crank calls and they never let you forget.

Dylan keeps the accelerator floored. Glancing into the rear view mirror, he sees no sign of Angelyne.

DYLAN

We're gonna make it! We're gonna make it...

Angelyne suddenly steps into the road in front of them.

DYLAN (cont.)

... We're not gonna make it... Jump!

EXT. CITY STREET

Dylan and Gordon both dive out of the car just as Angelyne's high-heeled shoe SMASHES it to bits. As Angelyne starts toward them Dylan starts to run – stopping when he sees Gordon frozen in his tracks, staring up at the giant billboard sexpot with an odd expression on his face.

DYLAN

What are you waiting for? Let’s go!

GORDON

I’ve had this dream since I was 14…

Dylan grabs Gordon, pulling him away just before he’s crushed by the billboard’s foot. She continues to try and stomp them, Dylan and Gordon scurrying around like a couple of cockroaches. Finally Dylan looks up, getting an idea.

DYLAN

Over here, quick!

Dylan leads Gordon beneath another billboard – this one advertising Calvin Klein underwear and featuring a muscular male model wearing jockey shorts. The giant Angelyne advances on them… until she notices the man on the billboard. Smitten, she immediately forgets all about Dylan and Gordon and starts making eyes and cooing seductively at the other billboard, trying to entice it. Seeing their chance, Dylan and Gordon race off.

GORDON

What made you think of that?

DYLAN

Something I learned in high school – even when you think they’re paying attention to you, the hot girls will always go for the hot guys!

CUT TO:

EXT. LA RIVER – NIGHT

Dylan and Gordon climb over a chain-link fence into a drainage channel on the edge of the now raging LA River.

GORDON

Demons, living billboards – this is worse than rush hour…

(notices river)

… and since when does the LA River actually have water in it?

DYLAN

Take a look at this.

Dylan points across the water, where they can see Union Station. The only thing separating them from it is the river, which boils and churns like the River Styx.

GORDON

Okay. So how do we get across?

They watch in amazement as the tall, hooded figure of CHARON appears on the river, navigating his raft on the wild waters serenely.

GORDON (cont.)

Guess that answers that question.

Charon docks his raft in front of Dylan and Gordon, beckoning them aboard with a bony finger. Sighing, Dylan begins to step aboard when Gordon stops him.

GORDON

Wait a sec, I know this – this is the boat guy who takes you across the River Styx. If we get on he’ll take us to Hell.

DYLAN

Isn’t that where we’re going?

Dylan steps onto the raft. Gordon hesitates, then joins him.

GORDON

I hate it when you’re right.

CUT TO:

EXT. CHARON’S RAFT – NIGHT

Dylan and Gordon sit thoughtfully on the raft as Charon uses a long pole to guide them to the other side of the river. Dylan stares grimly ahead, aware of the difficult task that awaits them… when he hears Gordon singing quietly to himself.

GORDON

Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me, lad…

Gordon notices Dylan staring at him, shrugging.

GORDON

Sorry. Styx, riding on a raft, made me think of the song…

(a beat, thoughtfully)

How much do you suppose you tip a boatman to Hell?

CUT TO:

EXT. LA RIVER – OTHER BANK – NIGHT

Having reached the far bank, Dylan and Gordon head off toward Union Station.

DYLAN

A dollar?

GORDON

Hey, a dollar’s plenty! We took us, what, three hundred yards? Come on! Plus we’re going to Hell, it’s not like he took us to Vegas or something…

In the background we see Charon stare at the dollar bill in disbelief. He tosses it aside and flips Gordon off before heading back onto the river.

CUT TO:

EXT. UNION STATION – RAILROAD TRACKS – NIGHT

Dylan and Gordon walk down the tracks toward the rear of the station, climbing up onto a platform. Before heading down steps leading into the station, Dylan stops Gordon.

DYLAN

Whatever happens in there, I just want you to know...

GORDON

(cuts him off softly)

I know, man. I feel the same way.

DYLAN

Really? You think this is all your fault, too?

Gordon gives him a surprised look before breaking into a grin.

GORDON

Smartass. You’ve been hanging around me too long.

DYLAN

That’s for damn sure.

Steeling themselves, they head down the steps.

CUT TO:

INT. UNION STATION – MAIN CORRIDOR – NIGHT

Dylan and Gordon enter the long corridor leading to the main concourse. It’s quiet, the building seemingly abandoned. The walls of the tunnel are covered by a raw, FLESHY substance which MOVES and PULSATES as though it were a living thing.

DYLAN

What the... usually only the floor of this station is sticky.

GORDON

The whole place looks like it could use some talcum powder.

Suddenly the walls COME TO LIFE as demons MORPH out of the fleshy substance around them, reaching and clawing. GRABBING Dylan and Gordon, the demons pull them close, actually beginning to ABSORB them into the wall.

DYLAN

Say a prayer! Quickly! Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name...

GORDON

Prayer, prayer... uh, God is great, God is good, let us thank Him for our food...

The demons continue to grasp at them, Dylan yelling to Gordon forcefully.

DYLAN

That’s not strong enough! You’ve got to believe! What do you believe in?

(chanting)

The power of Christ compels you... the power of Christ compels you...

GORDON

(thinks, then shouts)

... Dionne Warwick and the Psychic Friends Network compels you!!!

With an agonized SCREAM the demons release their grip on the men, RETREATING back into the wall. Catching their breath, Dylan gives Gordon a puzzled look.

DYLAN

The Psychic Friends Network?

GORDON

(embarrassed)

I called them once or twice. They were actually pretty accurate...

They both look to the end of the corridor, where a hot RED GLOW emanates from the main concourse.

CUT TO:

INT. UNION STATION – MAIN CONCOURSE – NIGHT

The main concourse has been completely transformed. It’s literally Hell on earth. Smoke and steam rise from a huge PIT which has opened up in the middle of the floor. Minos and a LACKEY DEMON stand near the pit while the ARMS, LEGS and SCREAMING HEADS of the damned struggle in the muck around them. They stare into a CAULDRON of boiling blood, in which we see different parts of the city become visible as they speak.

MINOS

My plan is becoming reality at long last! We’ll start by turning Los Angeles into the nine levels of Hell. First there’ll be Limbo, which we’ll put in the Valley.

LACKEY DEMON

Perfect, master.

MINOS

We’ll put the lustful in Hollywood... the gluttonous in Beverly Hills... greed and avarice will be located in Brentwood... the wrathful and sullen in Orange County... the heretics will be sent to Tony Robbins’ world headquarters... the violent in Compton... the fraudulent in the legal district... and the treacherous...

LACKEY DEMON

Where will they be sent?

MINOS

In LA? Anywhere. Go work it out with zoning.

The Lackey Demon nods, stepping down into the steaming pit. Dylan and Gordon enter the concourse, amazed by what they see.

GORDON

No matter how they try to fix this place up, it still looks like a typical bus station...

Holding up his badge, Dylan calls out to Minos.

DYLAN

I command you in the name of all that is good, all that is holy, and section 2438 of the California Civil Code to cease and desist.

Minos turns to them, laughing.

MINOS

Again? You’re worse than a couple of cockroaches – which were my idea, by the way. Do you still believe you can stop me with your puny laws, or by holding hands and singing songs? Me?

GORDON

We’re here for Deborah.

MINOS

Deborah... Deborah – oh yes, the granddaughter. Unfortunately I’m not quite through with her yet.

Gordon thinks for a moment before stepping toward Minos bravely.

GORDON

Take me instead.

(looks around, surprised)

Did I say that?

DYLAN

(equally surprised)

Yeah, you did.

GORDON

Huh. Imagine that.

Minos just grins at Gordon, amused.

MINOS

You? Why would I want your soul? You’re a pathetic little man who believes in nothing beyond his own petty satisfactions. While most mens’ souls are grand, magnificent things, yours is like a wrinkled, dried up raisin. To obtain your soul would mean nothing. It’s as worthless to me as it has been to you.

GORDON

A simple ‘no thank you’ would have sufficed.

A familiar voice comes out of the shadows.

COLLINS (o.s.)

What about my soul?

They all turn as Collins steps into the light – revealing his funeral suit is the slip-on variety, his back and ass showing through the slit in the back. Gordon whispers to Dylan.

GORDON

Should we tell him?

DYLAN

I don't think it'd help his confidence.

Minos smiles savagely at his old nemesis.

MINOS

Your soul is an entirely different matter. I’ve been waiting for this moment for the past 50 years.

COLLINS

Forty-nine.

MINOS

Whatever. I propose a deal – I’m willing to trade your granddaughter’s soul for your own.

Minos opens his cloak to reveal the LOST SOULS inside. We see Deborah’s agonized face as she struggles to break free, but can’t. Collins visibly weakens at the sight.

COLLINS

I accept your deal. My soul in exchange for hers.

Gordon leans close to Dylan, whispering.

GORDON

We can’t let this happen. What can we do?

DYLAN

The only way to fight evil is with good. Good feelings, good emotions, good memories...

Collins steps toward Minos, who is grinning in anticipation. Gordon rushes forward, stepping between them.

GORDON

No! We want Deborah and you’re going to give her to us!

MINOS

Step aside or I’ll send you to the deepest pits of Hell… which I believe I’ll be locating in the Echo Park area…

Minos raises his arm to backhand Gordon to one side, but Gordon holds his ground.

GORDON

Okay, good thoughts, good memories... My first beer! Summer of 1975, my dad didn’t finish his can and forgot about it...

(Minos flinches back at the good memory)

... but there was a cigarette butt inside... whoops!

Energized by the bad memory, Minos lunges forward, taking a swipe at Gordon, who ducks and skitters out of the way.

GORDON (cont.)

More, more... uh, first time I copped a feel! Christa Hicks, 7th grade, watching ‘E.T.’ at the Stardust Theater in Pomona...

(Minos flinches back)

... but my arm fell asleep. I might as well have been poking her with a stick... shit!

Minos lashes out, shredding Gordon’s coat with his claws. Gordon bobs and weaves desperately as Dylan calls to him.

DYLAN

You have to stay positive! Good thoughts!

COLLINS

You can do it, lad!

GORDON

I’m starting to feel pretty positive that he’s gonna kick my ass! Okay, good thoughts... happiness, joy, flowers, puppies, puppy love...

At the mention of the word ‘love’ Minos shrinks back once again. Gordon notices.

GORDON (cont.)

Love! Right! Love makes the world go ‘round! All we need is love! Love in the afternoon! Love American Style... !

(Minos steps forward)

Okay, scratch that last one... who do I love? I love my mother! I love my father! I love... I love...

Gordon searches his memory as Minos advances on him confidently. Just as he’s about to strike him down Gordon blurts out:

GORDON (cont.)

... I love Deborah!

DYLAN

(winces)

He’s dead.

But to everyone’s surprise Minos screams in pain, his cloak falling open as Deborah finally BURSTS FREE. She cries out in terror.

DEBORAH

Help me!!!

Gordon runs to her, pulling her clear of Minos with a terrible RIPPING sound. They tumble away, landing in each others’ arms. Deborah looks up at Gordon, confused and a little disoriented.

DEBORAH

Did you mean that? You love me?

GORDON

Jeez, I guess so!

Minos looks down at himself, gingerly touching the hole in his side made by Deborah’s rebirth.

MINOS

Damn! That’s gonna leave a mark...

(looks up angrily)

Just for that I’m taking all of your souls!

Collins looks to Dylan hopefully.

COLLINS

We’re going to have to move quickly if we’re going to send him back to Hell. In 1950 I used the Summerian Zi Dingrer followed by the traditional llama dance ritual. Did you guys bring the drum, cymbals, suona horn, dungchen and conch?

DYLAN

I have no idea what you just said.

COLLINS

Christ, you’ve been in the squad how long? And you never learned to play the suona horn?

DYLAN

I can kinda play the spoons...

COLLINS

Lovely. If we’re attacked by a bunch of hillbilly demons you’re all set.

Minos advances on them, a cocky smile on his face. He speaks softly, tauntingly.

MINOS

Face it, Collins – you’ve lost. Since we last met you’ve grown weak while I’ve grown strong. And I'm not even going to mention that you’re wearing way too much make-up.

COLLINS

That’s it! Suona horn or no suona horn, you’re going back to Hell!

(begins to dance and chant)

Zi dingir nngi e ne kanpa

Zi dingir ningi e ne kanpa

Zi dingir ennul e ne kanpa

Zi dingir ninnul–

Minos yawns, bored. He places a clawed hand around Collins’ throat.

COLLINS

(choking)

– E ne kanpa.

MINOS

(lifts Collins until they’re face-to-face)

You can’t defeat me now for the same reason you couldn’t seal the gate 50 years ago.

COLLINS

(choking)

Forty-nine.

MINOS

Whatever. You have faith in ritual, faith in tradition, but you don’t have faith in man’s inherent goodness. And without faith that man can ever completely triumph over evil, you will never be able to. And that is why this time I will win!

Continuing to hold Collins with one hand, Minos opens his cloak with the other, preparing to add Collins to his collection of lost souls. Gordon rushes forward.

GORDON

Love can stop you, right? Well I love Deborah, and she loves me!

Everyone turns to Deborah. She is silent, looking around uncomfortably.

DEBORAH

Well, I'd like to date him a few times and see where it leads...

Minos grins, grabbing Gordon and Deborah and drawing them toward him. They call to Dylan urgently.

DEBORAH

Help, Dylan. Please!

GORDON

Do something, man! You were a priest, do something priesterly.

DYLAN

Like what? Ask him for a donation? Counsel him about his problems with anger? Sprinkle him with holy wa...

Dylan stops, a strange thought crossing his mind. He reaches into his coat pocket, pulling out the vial of angel tears/toilet water from the barrio church. Gathering his courage, he steps toward Minos, speaking uncertainly.

DYLAN

You can’t win.

MINOS

I already have.

DYLAN

You’ve already lost.

Uncapping the vial, Dylan flicks the water on Minos. Everyone watches in shock as Minos’ skin begins to SMOKE wherever the water touches him. The demon screams, releasing his grip on Gordon, Deborah and Collins as he claws at his BURNING FLESH. Dylan keeps advancing on Minos, his voice growing stronger as he speaks.

DYLAN

You’ve lost because you don’t believe in man’s inherent goodness. I know, I lost my faith, too. I lost my belief in absolute good and evil, but the last few days have made me realize that if there’s absolute evil, then there must be absolute good. And if there’s evil in every person, then there’s good as well.

Dylan continues to flick water on Minos, who backs away helplessly. He’s losing his strength, seeming to shrink under the assault of Dylan’s words.

DYLAN (cont.)

I believe that people are good. I believe that people are strong. I believe that people will reject evil. We have fought your kind throughout history and won every time. And we’ll win this time, too.

Gordon, Deborah and Collins watch in amazement as Dylan continues to advance on Minos, growing in strength and confidence in direct proportion to Minos’ increasing weakness. He backs Minos up to the edge of the pit.

DYLAN (cont.)

You are nothing. You are insignificant. You are an annoyance. You are an itch that we can scratch. You are a pebble that we can remove from our shoe. You are... a booger that we can pick.

GORDON

(grimaces)

He went one too far...

DYLAN

By the power vested in me by the Los Angeles Police Department, consider yourself extradited back to the hellhole you crawled out of!

Dylan splashes the last of the vial on Minos, who TOPPLES off the edge of the pit, his TORTURED CRIES fading away as he plummets back to Hell.

CUT TO:

INT./EXT. AROUND LA – VARIOUS SHOTS – NIGHT

All over the city we watch as the damned return to Hell. At the Great Western Forum the band of demons play a slow, nostalgic, teary version of AC/DC’s ‘Highway to Hell’... a gang of Hassidic Jews stand in a circle, kicking the crap out of Adolf Hitler... Vikings, Zulus, Nazis, pirates and banditos are all crammed into jail cells at the police precinct... tourists snap photos of themselves posing with demons on Hollywood Boulevard... Nathan Bedford Forrest, still decked out in his Klan robes, is cornered in an alley by a mob of African-Americans carrying torches and a rope – and all of the damned are SUCKED away by some unearthly force, leaving trails of SICKLY GREEN LIGHT as they converge on Union Station.

CUT TO:

INT. UNION STATION – MAIN CONCOURSE – NIGHT

Dylan, Gordon, Deborah and Collins watch as hundreds of demons and damned souls trudge through the station entrance and down into the pit. They seem almost relieved. Nathan Bedford Forrest and Adolf Hitler bring up the rear, both exhausted.

NATHAN BEDFORD FORREST

I don’t know about you, friend, but after this city Hell’s going to seem like a cool breeze on a hot day.

ADOLF HITLER

(heavy accent)

Fuckin’-A.

As the last of the damned step into the pit Gordon looks to Dylan, confused.

GORDON

I don’t get it – that water... it was toilet water. From the fake miracle at the church.

DYLAN

Who says it was a fake miracle? Burning bushes, stone tablets, faulty plumbing – miracles are wherever you find them.

Collins reaches into Dylan’s coat pocket, pulling out the copy of ‘Oaths and Incantations’.

COLLINS

It’s time you finish what I couldn’t fifty years ago.

DYLAN

Forty-nine.

COLLINS

Whatever. Close the portal, Dylan.

GORDON

Speaking of that, let me close you up in back…

As Gordon velcros his funeral suit in the back, Collins opens the book to a specific page and hands it to Dylan, who takes a deep breath before reading haltingly.

DYLAN

(in Latin – subtitled)

Close now this unholy passage.

Let light illuminate the darkness.

Shadows eliminated and wickedness exposed.

Let evil be banished from this place.

The building begins to SHAKE as the FLESHY substance slides from the walls and recedes into the pit, which CLOSES, healing itself like a wound. As it seals itself a SHOCK WAVE of BLUE ENERGY BLASTS from the gateway, nearly knocking everyone over.

CUT TO:

EXT. UNION STATION – DAWN

The sun rises over the city, the shock wave EXPANDING outward from Union Station like a ring caused by a pebble dropped in a pond. As it passes we see the SMOG RECEDE, sunlight shining down from a bright blue sky dotted with white puffy clouds.

CUT TO:

EXT. FREEWAY – DAWN

Commuters honk and yell at each other, making rude hand gestures. As the SHOCK WAVE passes all the billboards by the side of the road are REPLACED by trees and foliage. Drivers’ obscene hand gestures are now friendly waves as they call to one another cheerfully.

DRIVER #1

Good day to you, sir! Would you care to merge?

DRIVER #2

Why yes I would! Thank you so much!

CUT TO:

EXT. BARRIO – DAWN

A bunch of tough-looking gang kids tag a wall with spray cans. When the SHOCK WAVE rolls through their gang slogans TRANSFORM into a mural celebrating rich Hispanic culture, along with the words ‘WELCOME TO EAST LA!’ They all step back, surprised, nodding at the mural appreciatively.

GANG KID

Hey guys, let's go sing for the elderly at the old folks home!

They all happily agree, running off.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD – DAWN

As the SHOCK WAVE passes the street METAMORPHOSES into a nostalgic vision of what it should be, everything glossy, shiny and glamorous. Scuzzy tourist traps become soda fountains, fast-food joints are now fancy theme restaurants, and t-shirt shops change into elegant clothing stores. Even the homeless people living on the sidewalks are cleaned up, now well-dressed and groomed.

CUT TO:

EXT. GHETTO NEIGHBORHOOD – DAWN

The SHOCK WAVE TRANSFORMS old beat-up houses into freshly painted and repaired homes, bars disappearing from their windows as lawns, trees and flowers SPROUT in their yards.

CUT TO:

EXT. BEVERLY HILLS – RODEO DRIVE – DAWN

As the SHOCK WAVE rumbles through signs APPEAR in the windows of the expensive jewelry and clothing stores that line the street, reading ‘HUGE SALE!’, ‘PRICES SLASHED!’ and ‘EVERYONE WELCOME!’.

CUT TO:

INT. MOVIE STUDIO – BOARDROOM – DAWN

We see the SHOCK WAVE pass by a window as a group of STUDIO EXECUTIVES sit around a large table.

STUDIO EXECUTIVE #1

Then it’s agreed – we sign Hause and Hines to a ten picture deal.

STUDIO EXECUTIVE #2

The future of motion picture entertainment just got brighter!

Everyone stands, happily shaking hands.

CUT TO:

INT. UNION STATION – DAWN

Dylan, Gordon, Deborah and Collins gather themselves, Collins looking at them approvingly.

COLLINS

You’ve done well, lads. I guess the unit’s in good hands...

Dylan and Gordon smile proudly.

DYLAN

Thank you, sir.

GORDON

Thanks, Mr. Collins.

COLLINS

... considering what a couple of fuck ups you are.

Their smiles fade.

DYLAN

Thank you, sir.

GORDON

Thanks, Mr. Collins.

Collins turns to Deborah fondly.

DEBORAH

I’m glad we finally got to spend some time together. Although I’d have preferred you just coming over for dinner on the holidays...

COLLINS

We’ll meet again, lass. Any messages you want me to deliver?

DEBORAH

Will you see grandma?

COLLINS

I’m sure she’s up there – but fortunately there are nine levels of heaven, too, so I think I can avoid her.

Deborah gives him a scolding grin and a kiss on the cheek.

DEBORAH

I love you, grandpa.

COLLINS

And I love you. Now it’s time for me to go – I’m late for my own funeral.

(thinks, laughs)

Your grandmother was right about that, at least.

GORDON

You need a ride?

COLLINS

Naw, I pinched a hearse from the mortuary. I’ll drive myself to the cemetery – maybe I can make that mortician fellow faint one last time.

Putting their arms around each others’ shoulders, they watch Collins walk toward the station entrance, stepping into the bright white sunlight as we...

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. CITY HALL – DAY

Downtown Los Angeles. The sounds of people shouting and car horns honking has been replaced by the sound of birds singing. The sun shines down from a bright blue sky on City Hall.

SUPERIMPOSE TITLE: TWO WEEKS LATER

Kent Carlyle, cuts healed and bruises faded, stands in front of the building, filing a report.

KENT CARLYLE

Officers Dylan McKee and Gordon Crumly are scheduled to receive the LAPD’s highest award for their role in ridding this city of the forces of evil. It is felt that they are responsible for the current outbreak of peace and calm, which frankly has many citizens on edge…

CUT TO:

INT. CITY HALL – MAYOR’S OFFICE – DAY

Jammed into the mayor’s office, the press snap photos and shoot video as Mayor Wiley stands at a podium, flanked by Dylan and Gordon, who are decked out in their dress blues. The mayor speaks grudgingly – sporting two black eyes and a bandage across his nose from the first in a series of plastic surgeries which will make him look presentable again.

MAYOR WILEY

It is my… honor… to present these two brave officers with the Medal of Valor.

Removing medals from a wooden box, the mayor drapes one first around Dylan’s neck…

MAYOR WILEY

(low)

McKee…

DYLAN

(low)

Mayor…

… and then Gordon’s.

MAYOR WILEY

(low)

Asshole.

GORDON

(low)

Blow me.

The three men then put on phony smiles and pose for the cameras. Deborah sidles up beside Gordon, both of them speaking in whispers.

DEBORAH

I love a man in uniform.

GORDON

Anyone I know?

DEBORAH

I love a man out of uniform even better.

GORDON

Your place?

DEBORAH

Tonight. Eight o’clock.

(suggestively)

Bring the medal.

They exchange mischievous grins. Gordon turns back to the press, his smile now genuine and beaming. Kent Carlyle and his cameraman push their way to the front of the group. Microphone in hand, Kent speaks anxiously into the video camera.

KENT CARLYLE

The evil forces that ran wild throughout Los Angeles have been driven back from whence they came, and these brave officers are the ones who stopped them. Tell me, what department are you two from – SWAT, homicide, vice?

Kent Carlyle thrusts his microphone in Dylan’s face. Dylan hesitates, glancing at Gordon. They exchange knowing looks, Dylan’s voice forceful and unwavering.

DYLAN

We’re The Exorcist Squad. We turn heads.

Gordon grins, whispering to Deborah.

GORDON

I knew that’d grow on him.

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY HALL – DAY

After the ceremony, Dylan and Gordon walk down the steps in front of City Hall.

GORDON

So, you hungry? I know this great Italian restaurant where the owner owes me a favor…

DYLAN

Are you ever not hungry?

GORDON

What’s it to you? What do you care about my dietary habits?

DYLAN

Dietary habits… you ate a demon!

GORDON

Yeah, but I still retained my girlish figure.

Dylan laughs as they step to the curb, where the 1950 Mercury is parked. It’s been completely repaired and restored, back to the gleaming black beauty we first saw Spenser Collins driving.

INT. MERCURY

Dylan and Gordon climb into the car – Dylan in the driver’s seat and Gordon the passenger’s.

GORDON

So where’s it gonna be? I also know guys who owe me favors at a Chinese place, a delicatessen, a Mexican restaurant, a Thai joint and a Taco Bell…

The police radio suddenly CRACKLES to life, the Dispatcher’s voice speaking urgently.

DISPATCHER

(over radio)

All units, we have a report of a bank robbery in progress and 12^th and Wilson. There are three suspects, considered armed and dangerous, two of the suspects dressed as cowboys.

Dylan and Gordon look to one another, sighing.

GORDON

I guess we eat later.

DYLAN

Hey, look at the bright side – if there weren’t a few left over we’d be out of a job.

He starts the car, which roars to life smoothly.

EXT. CITY HALL

The Mercury pulls away from the curb, heading down the clean, immaculate city street. As they drive off we see a model family stroll past, out walking their dog – the three-headed Cerberus.

FADE TO BLACK

THE END