STRIP
GIRLS
FADE IN:
EXT. MOVIE THEATER LOBBY- DAY
A depressing sight.
The lobby is empty, desolate. Two
hip young executives (EXEC #1 and EXEC #2) step out of the doorway and stand
out in front of the empty theater.
EXEC #1
I donÕt get it.
Our studioÕs first big summer movie. No fans, no critics... no nothing...
EXEC #2
This film is going
to video faster than the Rodney King beating...
EXEC #1
Marketing says the
title may have something to do with it. Maybe itÕs too subtle...
They walk out
underneath the marquee, which reads
ÒClosed For RepairsÓ - as do all of the posters in the windows and the
sign above the ticket counter.
EXEC #2
We need a hit -
fast. IÕve set up a meeting with Paul and Joe - they have a pitch...
EXEC #1
Those hacks? They
represent everything thatÕs wrong with Hollywood - big budgets, lame ideas...
Besides, I still think this film can make money...
A car slows under the
marquee, the driver turning to the other passengers.
DRIVER
Hey - the
theaterÕs closed... Bummer!
He drives off as Exec
#1 sighs.
EXEC #1
YouÕre right - I
need a hit...
GRAPHICS SCROLL DOWN
THE SCREEN:
In 1995, a
desperate Hollywood studio paid four million dollars for a movie pitch. The
film was to be about the empowerment of women, the sexual politics of life in
the latter twentieth century, and a portrait of a modern, sexual heroine...
... It ended up
being about a bunch of sleazy strippers sleeping around in Las Vegas. This is
the story of how that film was made... and why that studio was up for sale a
month later.
CUT
TO:
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
An attractive couple
in bed as obnoxious Kenny G-like music blares on the soundtrack. The beautiful
WOMAN sits up, her lingerie strap dangling seductively off her shoulders. The
MAN sighs contentedly.
MAN
Thank God itÕs
over. Strange how a master detective like me could mistake you as the Òslice
Ôem, dice Ôem killerÓ who mutilated men and served their private parts to them
on a plate - when it was obviously my cousin Doris, the federal judge, all
along...
WOMAN
YouÕd think sheÕd
have understood the laws better.
MAN
IÕm going to miss
you, babe. I fly to New York tomorrow to break the bad news to Aunt Tooti...
WOMAN
DonÕt feel bad -
IÕll take a little piece of you wherever I go...
The Woman pulls a
FILET KNIFE out from under the mattress. The Man SCREAMS as we...
CUT
TO:
INT. EXECUTIVEÕS
OFFICE - DAY
The scene we were just
watching is playing on a monitor. A title flashes on the screen, reading: ÒThe
End - A Joe and Paul Production.Ó EXEC #1 hurriedly turns of the TV, shivering
with distaste.
EXEC #1
What a load of crap! Dull
characters and ridiculous situations, writing thatÕs barely competent, and
direction without an ounce of emotional resonance - not to mention the same ending as in Joe and
PaulÕs other six films...
(sighs unhappily)
... YouÕre right.
TheyÕve got a hit.
Over the intercom we
hear the voice of JANEANE the secretary.
JANEANE (over intercom)
Sir, your two
oÕclock is here...
Exec #1 groans,
motioning to a framed photo of both Execs posing with an older man in front of
the studio.
EXEC #1
Four years at USC film
school, two years as a mail boy, four years as a development executive and six
months of pretending to like my father — just so I can greenlight two
imbeciles who are going to make more money than me...
(over intercom)
Janeane, send them
in... LetÕs get this meeting over with.
The door bursts open,
and JOE, an overweight child of the sixties wearing silver jewelry and a loud
Hawaiian shirt, enters confidently. Behind him is PAUL, a frazzled, unshaven
man in a turtleneck. The Execs greet them with huge, fake smiles.
EXEC #1
Joe! Paul! My
favorite filmmakers!
JOE
Greetings,
gentlemen. Are you ready to make
history?
EXEC #1
We just saw your
new film, ÒPenal Justice.Ó Awesome!
PAUL
Danka!
EXEC #2
What was your inspiration?
JOE
I wanted to rip
the lid off the food service business, and expose it as a cesspool of avarice,
castration, and deceit. Plus - I love how Paul handles my dialogue.
Paul says something unintelligible. The Execs stop, look
confused, then politely turn back to Joe.
JOE
I heard your new
film was showing downtown, but when I got there the theater was closed.
The Execs exchanged
embarrassed looks, Exec #1 changing the subject.
EXEC #1
Enough about that
- whatÕs the new project about?
JOE
IÕm going to rip
the lid off Las Vegas, and expose it as a cesspool of crime and deceit.
EXEC #2
DoesnÕt everybody
already know that Las Vegas is a cesspool of crime and deceit?
JOE
(annoyed)
Okay, a bigger
cesspool of crime and deceit... I call it... ÒSTRIP GIRLS!Ó
Joe gets comfortable
on the couch as he lets the brilliance of his idea wash over the Execs.
EXEC #1
ÒStrip GirlsÓ... I
like it... a movie that brings cold scrutiny to the sleazy side of adult
burlesque, where women are exploited by shameless, greedy, immoral hucksters...
EXEC #2
Plus theyÕre naked
for most of the movie!
EXEC #1
Excellent. Who can
we get - Julia Roberts ... Sandra Bullock?
JOE
LetÕs get real
here - weÕre on a budget. Those women get twelve million a film... WhoÕd be
stupid enough to pay an actress twelve million dollars to take her top off?
They all laugh
heartily, agreeing.
EXEC #1
Right. We need
talent more than star power. Somebody that the audience wonÕt be viewing with
any preconceived notions.
EXEC #2
How about Shannen
Doherty?
Joe and Exec #1 give
him a look.
EXEC #2
Hey, IÕm just
trying to be realistic...
Joe leans forward on
the couch, in story telling mode.
JOE
This is am
important film that needs to be made. ItÕs all about a girl named Raquel...
DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT. SUITCASE - DAY
A large, battered old
suitcase, the name ÒRAQUELÓ scrawled across the weathered vinyl covering. The
suitcase is dragged away, gravel flying to reveal...
EXT. DESERT - DAY
A small desert
community sits before a picturesque mountain range. A road sign reads: ÒYou are
entering Gravelton, Nevada; Population 413; Home of the worldÕs largest dirt
clod!Ó
A BEAUTIFUL BRUNETTE
(RAQUEL) carrying a large suitcase laboriously drags it along the dirt road,
finally reaching the sign.
JOE (v.o.)
We need a strong
female character thatÕs bold, unashamed of her body, yet child-like. She symbolizes all of the ennobling
qualities of the female gender: heart, courage, ambition. Alluring, yet the
girl-next-door. A brave-but-naive
young girl, whoÕs had her share of trouble...
She pulls a marker
from her pocket, crossing out Ò413Ó on the sign and changing it to Ò412.Ó
EXEC #1 (v.o.)
You say sheÕs naive?
RaquelÕs hair CHANGES
FROM BRUNETTE TO BLONDE. She holds up a sign reading ÒVEGAS,Ó and sticks out
her thumb to hitch-hike. Cars WHIZ past, ignoring her.
EXEC #2 (v.o.)
So... howÕs she
built?
JOE (v.o.)
Major rack.
RaquelÕs BREASTS
SUDDENLY GROW, her top busting a few buttons, and a push-up bra displaying them
prominently. Suddenly we hear TIRES SCREECHING, VEHICLES COLLIDING, GLASS
SHATTERING AND METAL TWISTING.
EXT. ROADSIDE
Raquel lowers her
thumb and picks up her bag, walking past the pile-up of cars, trucks, campers,
motorcycles and semiÕs that have tried to pull over to pick her up. She reaches
a rusty old Firebird, leaning in the passenger side.
JOE (v.o.)
Raquel has no
money or friends. She survives by instinct and intuition...
CUT
TO:
INT. FIREBIRD
In the driverÕs seat
is a DERANGED looking ELVIS LOOK-ALIKE wearing dark glasses, a huge greasy
pompadour, a hideous facial twitch
and wears a jewel encrusted jumpsuit.
ELVIS LOOK-ALIKE
Hey little sister
you look moody-blue. IÕm-a headed to Vegas... so if you want a lift baby doll...
Raquel throws her bag
in the back seat and hops in.
RAQUEL
(thrilled)
Oh wow! Are you an
Elvis Presley impersonator?
ELVIS LOOK-ALIKE
Elvis Who? You
mean thereÕs somebody else who dresses like this? Damn! I really thought
I was ON to something
with this look...
He FLOORS THE
ACCELERATOR as we...
CUT
TO:
EXT. DESERT
The car skids back
onto the road, passing various billboards featuring large depictions of Elvis:
ÒElvis Chapel, 400 miles ahead,Ó ÒElvis Lives at the Frontier ÔLegends RevueÕ,Ó
and ÒAll Shook Up? Visit the Elvis Pharmacy, Las Vegas, Nevada.Ó
DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP - DAY
The Firebird moves
down the strip. Lights flash, volcanoes erupt, pirates attack, Chinese tourists
pray to the reclining Buddha, Amway salesmen head into a convention at the
Pyramid. They drive by the ÒCircus-CircusÓ hotel. Jeff Foxworthy is on the
marquee, which reads: ÒYou Might Be A Redneck if.. you stay here.Ó
ELVIS LOOK-ALIKE(v.o.)
Feast your eyes on
the cultural center of the desert wasteland, baby - Las Vegasss!
RAQUEL (v.o.)
ThatÕs funny - it
looks just like Reno...
ELVIS LOOK-ALIKE(v.o.)
Sshhh!!! WeÕre on
a budget...
INT. FIREBIRD
Raquel gawks as the
signs from various Vegas shows flash by in the reflection of her window. She
sees bright lights with all the headliners: Engelbert Humperdink; Rich Little, Liza, Tony Danza, Robert
Goulet; Seigfreid and Roy! Raquel watches
awe-struck at a sign: ÓRIP TAYLOR!Ó and, in smaller letters, ÒBeatles Reunion.Ó
RAQUEL
Oh my gosh - Rip
Taylor!
(dreamily)
IÕm going to
become a dancer in my own Las Vegas show, and one day my name will be up in
lights - just like his!
ELVIS LOOK-ALIKE
Like Rip Taylor? DonÕt kid yourself!
(serious and
fatherly)
You donÕt just become a
Rip Taylor. For every Rip Taylor, ten Gary MuledeerÕs lie writhing in a
festering pool of their own filth on the sidewalk!
(looks out)
See?
CUT
TO:
EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP
A haggard GARY MULEDEER
lies in a pool of his own filth, wearing a sign that reads: ÒWill shoot an
arrow into an apple with my guitar for food.Ó Nobody pays any attention.
CUT
TO:
INT. FIREBIRD
The car passes by the
TROPICAL NUGGET casino, with a billboard advertising their show ÒPUSSYCATS!
starring CRYSTAL GOBLETÓ. In smaller letters it reads, ÒThis show has no relation or financial responsibility to the famous
Broadway show CATS.Ó Raquel looks at the ad longingly.
RAQUEL
YouÕll see—one
day thatÕs going to be me up there.
ELVIS LOOK-ALIKE
In ÒPussycats?Ó ThatÕs
the hottest show on the strip...
(to camera)
... although it has no
relation or financial responsibility to the famous Broadway show ÒCats.Ó
(makes a POPPING
noise)
Oops - car
trouble! I keep my tools in the glove compartment - could you hand me the
hacksaw?
CUT
TO:
EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP
The Firebird TURNS
INTO A SANDY VACANT LOT and is suddenly SURROUNDED by Las Vegas POLICE CARS, Officers
pulling the Elvis Look-alike out through the driverÕs door window.
POLICEMAN #1
Out of the car,
Psycho!!!
The Policemen throw
him to the ground and begin BEATING him with clubs as Raquel hops out of the
car.
RAQUEL
Hey - whatÕs going
on?
POLICEMAN #2
You are very lucky
lady - this guy is a psychotic serial killer, responsible for the deaths of
dozens of aspiring exotic dancers!
RAQUEL
ThatÕs why youÕre
beating him?
POLICEMAN #1
No - weÕre beating
him because heÕs an unlicensed Elvis impersonator. WeÕve got standards here in
Vegas.
ELVIS LOOK-ALIKE
CanÕt we all just
get along!
Raquel throws the
first of her many over-the-top, hysterical tantrums as the police continue to
pound on the Elvis Look-alike.
RAQUEL
(hysterical)
It isnÕt
fair! This is just my luck! I
canÕt believe how bad my life sucks!!! ... IÕm not going to be able to go on...
POLICEMAN #2
Relax, maÕam -
theyÕre taking him into custody...
RAQUEL
Right - now I have
to walk!
DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT. DESERT - HIGH NOON
The sun glares hotly
as Raquel trudges through the sand, wiping the sweat from her brow.
DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT. DESERT - ANOTHER ANGLE
Raquel falls to the
ground in exhaustion as the sun beats down on her. She looks up to see vultures
gliding overhead.
DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT. DESERT - STILL ANOTHER ANGLE
As Raquel CRAWLS
across the sand, near-death, we PULL BACK to reveal that the POLICE ARE ONLY
TWENTY FEET BEHIND HER, standing exactly where they were when she started off.
POLICEMAN #1
Are you sure you
just donÕt want a ride?
WIPE
TO:
EXT. VEGAS STRIP - HOTEL CASINO
A hotel/casino with
the marquee reading: ÒROBERT GOULET - ONE NIGHT ONLY,Ó then is smaller letters,
ÒWE HOPE.Ó The Cop car PULLS UP and Raquel climbs outside.
RAQUEL
Thanks for making
room, you guys.
POLICEMAN
DonÕt worry about
it. I hope you didnÕt mind sitting on my lap.
RAQUEL
Sure, I
understand... even though there was nobody sitting in the back.
The Policeman grins,
closing the door behind her as the Police car peels away. Standing in the
parking lot, Raquel stops with a sudden realization.
RAQUEL
My suitcase is
back in ElvisÕ car! Nooooo!
She begins to openly
weep, POUNDING ON THE PARKED CARS around her, setting off car alarms. She
reaches inside an open driverÕs side window, pulling out a CLUB from off of the
steering wheel. She begins SMASHING UP every car in the lot, screaming.
RAQUEL
IsnÕt there one
kind, decent, gentle, caring person in this town, other than me?
CUT
TO:
EXT. STRIP - DAY
A cab motors down the
strip. On the side of the cab an ad with a beautiful girl is posted, reading
ÒLive Nude Dancers In Your Hotel
Room: $200. Dead Nude Dancers Half Price.Ó
CUT
TO:
INT. CAB
VINCENT BONFIGLIONO,
in black sunglasses, sits in the back seat reading the paper, the headline
reading ÒSTRIP GIRLS INTRODUCES LOVE INTEREST - AUDIENCE BAFFLED.Ó He lowers
the paper, to REVEAL heÕs the spitting image of Clark Gable.
JOE (v.o.)
Enter our hero - A
Clark Gable type... a man who has seen his best days, but he looks good enough
for us to realize that his better days were absolutely great.
EXEC #1 (v.o.)
Who do you picture
in the part? Say, Nicholas Cage?
EXEC #2 (v.o.)
Yeah - perfect!
Clark Gable MORPHS
into Nicholas Cage.
EXEC #1 (v.o.)
You know how much
Cage gets per film now?
EXEC #2 (v.o.)
All right, a
Nicholas Cage type, then...
He MORPHS again - this
time into OUR HERO. He TOSSES the newspaper onto the seat and starts GUZZLING a
bottle of booze.
VINCENT
Where can a guy
get a drink in this town?
CABBY
Everywhere.
VINCENT
Oh yeah...
(grins)
... thatÕs why I
love this town. Take me anywhere...
Vincent looks out the
window and sees Raquel SMASHING car windows as if she was in a Michael Jackson
video.
VINCENT
Hold it!
(hands the cabby a
twenty)
That poor woman
must be locked out of her car! Pull over - she needs help!
CABBY
Sure - say, arenÕt
you an ex-hitman for the mob, who for some unknown reason has lived the last
few years in a haze of alcohol and despair?
VINCENT
ThatÕs me...
(tipping him)
... HereÕs an
extra twenty for the expository dialogue.
CABBY
Just doinÕ my
job...
CUT
TO:
EXT. VEGAS STRIP - CHEAP HOTEL
The Cab PULLS OVER, the
advertisement on its top for Elizabeth Berkeley in ÒDriving Miss Daisy; Totally
Topless.Ó As Vincent opens the door HUNDREDS OF EMPTY LIQUOR BOTTLES POUR OUT. He
hurries over the bottles to Raquel, grabbing the Club before Raquel can take
another swing.
VINCENT
Hold on! WhatÕs
the problem?
RAQUEL
I lost everything
I own - my shoes, my dresses, my earrings, my switchblade, my serrated Ginzu,
my ice pick, my cleaver...
VINCENT
Look at the bright
side....
(grabs her hand)
You donÕt own any
of these cars. Come on - weÕd better get out of here...
Police sirens begin to
blare as he leads her into his waiting cab.
CUT
TO:
INT. CAB - BACK SEAT
Vincent watches Raquel
bawl for a moment, then hands her a silk hanky.
VINCENT
Here. It must be
awful to be in a new town, broke and destitute.....
She suddenly perks up
and PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE.
RAQUEL
Prostitute? IÕm no prostitute!
VINCENT
Ow! No, I said ÔdestituteÕ - you know - an
adjective meaning poor, indigent, worthless, no-account, good-for-nothing,
miserable?
RAQUEL
Oh... I thought
you were insulting me.
VINCENT
Not at all...
RAQUEL
IÕm going to own this
town someday! IÕm going to be a major star of the Vegas musical dance theater,
in the tradition of Isadora Duncan, Twyla Tharp, and Charo!
(she grabs
VincentÕs paper)
All I need is a
chance...
CUT
TO:
INSERT CLASSIFIED ADS
An ad reads:
DANCERS
WANTED: EARN BIG CASH NOW BY FEIGNING AROUSAL FOR DRUNKEN LOSERS AND LAP
DANCING. CONTACT: THE BOTTOMLESS PIT.
AUDITIONS TODAY!
CUT
TO:
INT. CAB
Raquel grins,
determined, as Vincent holds a bottle to his swelling eye.
RAQUEL
Hey - the first
step in my assault on the Vegas stage...
She leans into the
front seat, speaking with the Cabby excitedly.
RAQUEL (cont.)
Driver, how far
are we from the Bottomless Pit?
CABBY
The Bottomless
Pit, that hideous cesspool of moral degradation that you must claw your way out
of before ultimately achieving your lifeÕs dream, is coincidentally on the next
corner.
VINCENT
Best expository Cabby
in the business.
(turns to Raquel)
Can I see you sometime?
IÕll pay...
Raquel again punches Vincent in the face. The
cab pulls to a stop.
RAQUEL
I told you, IÕm no
hooker! IÕve worked too long and hard to resort to such depravity! IÕd never
sell myself for sex!!!
VINCENT
Sell
yourself? I was just talking about
a simple first date...
RAQUEL
So was I!
VINCENT
Before we go any
further I must warn you about my tortured soul, my dark and beguiling
essence... I am a drunk. I will be a drunk as long as I live, and the one thing
you must promise to never do is to ask me to stop drinking...
CABBY
No problem...
Vincent looks around
to find that Raquel has left the cab,
and he is talking to the cab driver.
CUT
TO:
INT. ÔTHE BOTTOMLESS PITÕ - DRESSING
ROOM
Strippers of all
shapes and sizes are rushing around, primping before mirrors, adding make-up,
injecting collagen into their lips, one even pulling on SURGICAL gloves as she
digs into a box marked ÒAT-HOME IMPLANT KIT.Ó One particularly
well-endowed woman, PAMELA, pulls off her sweater to reveal a huge pair of
breasts about to burst from their wonderbra, and studies them in the mirror. A
second girl, WYNOTTA, walks up in disbelief.
WYNOTTA
You got another
boob job?
PAMELA
(trying to adjust
them)
Yeah... Got the
saline ones this time...
WYNOTTA
Well, itÕs good that you got rid of that
silicon, anyway...
Pamela turns to
Wynotta, her new breasts sweeping everything off her dressing table as she
spins.
PAMELA
Are you nuts? I
paid three grand for those bags - I left them in there, too...
WYNOTTA
What about the
stuff from that first cheapo job?
PAMELA
Hey those wood
chips got me my first gig... IÕd never give them up...
On WynottaÕs reaction,
the door bursts open. The manager, EDDIE VELCRO struts in with his new
acquisition - Raquel. She is taken back by the heavy smell of perfume and
unhidden shame.
JOE (v.o.)
Now we meet Eddie
Velcro - Club Owner and Evil Exploiter. Here we discover the dark world of the
professional stripper, with its unique and authentic dialogue...
EDDIE
Hey you groovy,
way-out babes, I have some new talent I want you to meet: Raquel... SheÕs auditioning today and promises to
make the rest of you look like the non-with-it squares you are. Raquel? These ladies are The Bottomless PitÕs
finest...
A veteran dancer,
VULVIANA, doesnÕt look, but speaks while applying her lipstick.
VULVIANA
Whoop - de - fucking-
doo...
PAMELA
Stay away from my
chubs, green-ass.
The rest of the
strippers giggle knowingly.
EDDIE
I told you they were
great. Now get yourself ready to
flash those ÒbreastsÓ of yours!
(makes quotation
marks with finger)
YouÕll follow
Pamela on-stage today, hep cat...
PAMELA
(to Raquel)
Good luck, flatsy!
Raquel looks around
uncomfortably as the other girls laugh. She turns to Eddie.
RAQUEL
Thanks for seeing
me Mr. Velcro - I really need this job.
EDDIE
Oh yeah? So tell me a little about yourself.
Raquel takes an empty
seat at one of the dressing tables.
RAQUEL
IÕve never been a
SHOWGIRL. IÕm just a SLIVER of a girl, living by my F.I.S.T.s with NOWHERE TO
RUN. I used to FLASHDANCE for some BIG SHOTS at a place called the MUSIC BOX,
but I got BETRAYED there after a ONE NIGHT STAND and became JADED. So I just
followed my BASIC INSTINCT and decided I was CHECKING OUT of town - which
brings me here...
EXEC #1 (v.o.)
Hey - wait a
minute...
CUT
TO:
INT. EXECUTIVEÕS
OFFICE - DAY
Exec #1 cuts off JoeÕs
story, looking at him suspiciously.
EXEC #1
This is all
starting to sound familiar. DidnÕt all that stuff happen in your other
films?
EXEC #2
In fact it sounds
like something I saw in AN ALAN SMITHEE FILM a few years back...
JOE
This is all first-time
material - I swear... Ow!
(jumps)
This chairÕs got a
JAGGED EDGE!
EXEC #1
Sorry - this
furniture is old...
JOE
HEARTS OF FIRE! What a feelinÕ...
(readjusting)
... So anyway,
Raquel makes her way towards the stage...
CUT
TO:
INT. BACKSTAGE
Raquel stumbles
through the curtains, heading for the stage. She is stopped by the large,
outstretched arm of the bouncer (ROMERO).
ROMERO
Are you my new
girl?
Raquel tries to PUNCH
him, offended
RAQUEL
Your girl?
IÕm no hooker! IÕve traveled too far and worked too hard to—-
ROMERO
... Settle down
there sweet buns, IÕm not asking if youÕre a hooker - IÕm the bouncer! DonÕt
worry - this is a class place. Why, if you look in the back row, we have every
politician, foreign dignitary and out-of-town celebrity you can imagine sitting
there in disguise...
He PULLS THE CURTAIN
AWAY to reveal...
CUT
TO:
INT. AUDIENCE - BACK ROW
A line of men sit with
fake noses and glasses, bad wigs, cheap theatrical costumes, and other cheap
disguises, tipping Pam.
ROMERO (v.o.)
...Look - just
tonight weÕve got the Vice President, the Governor, the President of U.N., a
Cardinal, half of the Kennedy clan, and most of the production staff from this
movie...
CUT
TO:
INT. STAGE
A new song begins,
Raquel stepping out on-stage to little fanfare. Taking a deep breath, she
begins to DANCE - to tap dance. The patrons all look to each other confused as
Raquel taps out a bouncy rhythm. She smiles plastically as she scuttles across
the stage, and finally GRABBED by Eddie. She continues to tap awkwardly as they
converse.
EDDIE
What the hell do
you think youÕre doing?
RAQUEL
Dancing. Like the
ad said...
EDDIE
We donÕt want this!
We need girls that can strip - grind, lap dance...
RAQUEL
(horrified)
Lap dance? I thought it said tap dance. I
had no idea I was in that kind of a place...
CUT
TO:
EXT. BOTTOMLESS PIT
Large
neon signs surround the
structure, flashing and glowing with the words ÓNude Lap DancINGÓ; ÒFemale Strippers And Couch DancersÓ; ÒGirls
Strip Down To Nothing For MoneyÓ; ÒTHE SLEAZIEST PLACE ON EARTHÓ; ÒOver One
Million Aroused!Ó
And in smaller
letters, at the bottom:
ÒExperience
Female Empowerment Now...Ó
CUT
TO:
INT. STAGE
The audience is
starting to BOO and THROW drinks.
EDDIE
Well take off
something, before weÕre all killed...
RAQUEL
Take of my
clothes? I canÕt do that - IÕm a poor midwestern girl, raised by an abusive,
alcoholic father--
EDDIE
-- And you
symbolize all of the ennobling qualities of the female gender: heart, courage,
ambition — I know all that, but the audience hates you! Just take
off your top...
Raquel is shocked,
instinctively covering herself with the curtain. Eddie jumps off the stage,
indicating with his hands for her to Òtake it off.Ó She looks at him confused, so he PULLS HIS SHIRT OPEN and pumps
his naked chest out and back - audience members STUFFING DOLLAR BILLS into his
clothing.
INT. RAQUEL
Completely wrapped up
in the curtain. The audience is still throwing stuff on-stage: Fruit, chairs,
an inflatable sheep. Raquel ducks them all, realizing what she must do...
INT. STAGE - RAQUEL (REAR VIEW)
She RIPS HER TOP OPEN!
The crowd GASPS and goes silent.
CUT
TO:
INT. PATRONS
All stop, open-mouthed
and awe-struck.
PATRON #1
Amazing!
PATRON #2
She symbolizes all
of the ennobling qualities of the female gender: heart, courage, ambition—sheÕs
the perfect metaphor for independence, self-reliance and economic empowerment—
PATRON #3
With big jugs.
We PAN over to Raquel,
who can only grin. They begin to applaud. Slowly she begins to smile. As the
cheering continues she begins to DANCE.
JOE (v.o.)
So that night
Raquel becomes... a strip girl.
The audience GOES WILD
as she gyrates to the music. Eddie TURNS TO THE CAMERA.
EDDIE
I still would have
preferred Shannen Doherty...
The audience cheers
louder as we...
CUT
TO:
INT. STRIP CLUB - NIGHT
Raquel lap dances on a
patron - she is now more assured and in control.
JOE (v.o.)
So Raquel begins
lap dancing and becomes an instant sensation. She starts off slowly but is soon
more sure of herself...
OFF-CAMERA, she is
thrown items to JUGGLE: first oranges,
then flaming torches and knives. Everyone applauds.
WIPE
TO:
INT. STRIP CLUB - LATER
Raquel does a ventriloquism act on-stage, the dummy
is topless as well.
WIPE
TO:
INT. STRIP CLUB - STILL LATER
A topless Raquel
mud-wrestles a grizzly bear in a thong.
JOE (v.o.)
She rules the
club, but nothing really changes in her life, until one night, when a face from
the past reappears...
CUT
TO:
EXT. BOTTOMLESS PIT - NIGHT
A cab pulls up in
front - the advertisement on its
top for ÒDemi Moore in ÔGodspellÕ at the Vegas Marriot.Ó Vincent, in black sunglasses, steps
out, surveying the establishment.
CUT
TO:
INT. BOTTOMLESS PIT - NIGHT
Vincent enters to see
Wynotta on-stage as her song fades to little fanfare. DJ DOUG, a dead ringer
for Howard Stern, fills the
silence between songs to little fanfare.
DJ DOUG
All right
gentlemen - that was Wynotta - belle of the ball, queen of the lean, the beauty
with the booty, with her second of two - come on boyz - sheÕs working hard out
there - letÕs give it up for the jumpinÕ bumpinÕ,
had-a-one-nighter-with-Donald-TrumpinÕ Wynotta!
The place is DEAD
SILENT. The song is over and the only discernible sound is the dancerÕs high
heels as she walks around the front of the stage indifferently, picking up the
sparse, crumpled, and strewn dollar bills off the wood floor. A tumbleweed rolls past her on the stage
as she finally sachets off through the back curtain.
DJ DOUG
(perking up)
... And now
— sheÕs sweet, sheÕs indiscreet, she gives tax receipts—sheÕs
movinÕ, groovinÕ, ever improvinÕ, dancinÕ prancinÕ... er... fan of Ted Dansen,
Raquel!!!
The music BLARES back
on and Raquel steps on-stage. Vincent is mesmerized by the jiggling and
gyrating Raquel.
JOE (v.o.)
So Vincent sees
Raquel, his despair turning to adoration...
INT. VINCENT - CLOSE UPS
VincentÕs face turns
from despair to adoration.
JOE (v.o. cont.)
... then awe...
VincentÕs face changes
emotions with Joe descriptions.
JOE (v.o. cont.)
... then grief...
then fascination... then hopelessness, then indifference, then humiliation...
The face changes get
wild, exaggerated and ridiculous.
JOE (v.o. cont.)
... envy, grief,
boredom, contempt, joy, hatred, pity, lust, impatience, loneliness, back to
grief for a minute, admiration, curiosity, anger...
VINCENT
(to camera, angry)
All right!
JOE (v.o. cont.)
(after a beat)
... He watches her
from the back row; that one special guy who sees her not in the typical lurid
way but as a virginal beauty wearing a garland of orchids, dancing a delicate
ballet. He begins dressing her with his eyes.
INT. FANTASY SEQUENCE - VINCENTÕS P.O.V.
As Raquel dances,
clothes begin to appear. She is eventually fully clothed in his fantasy, and
then is wearing an overcoat, fishing boots, wool mittens and a floppy hat. We cut BACK AND FORTH between them, Vincent finally reaching
for his shades.
CUT
TO:
INT. BOTTOMLESS PIT - REAL TIME
The song ends, Vincent
slack-jawed, as a waitress stops in front of him. Looking tired and unhappy in her halter top, sheÕs a little
too haggard to dance — one of her breasts actually sagging into a large
Margarita glass on her tray.
WAITRESS
Drink?
VINCENT
IÕm sorry, but if
we are to continue this relationship, you can never ask me about my
drinking.
WAITRESS
I meant would you like
a drink? ThereÕs a two-drink minimum...
VINCENT
Excellent... IÕll
have nine shots of Jack Daniels.... twice.
She leaves as Raquel
approaches with a sexy outfit on.
RAQUEL
Well look whoÕs
here - my knight in shining polyester...
VINCENT
Very nice - that was
some performance.
He tries to stand, but
itÕs uncomfortable.
RAQUEL
DonÕt get up.
VINCENT
ItÕs a little late
for that...
She sits next to
Vincent as he looks around the room, impressed.
VINCENT
This place is
wild. Do you like it?
RAQUEL
Well the hours
suck, but it payÕs good - and itÕs the only job where you can claim a boob job
as a medical expense on your HMO program.
VINCENT
So how does this
place work?
We PAN AROUND THE ROOM
in a very Scorsese-esque manner, as Raquel describes the operation of the club.
RAQUEL
In Vegas
everybodyÕs gotta watch everybody else...
A girl dances on-stage
as we focus on the CUSTOMERS. They sit at tiny tables, which RISE IN UNISON as
they watch the girl.
RAQUEL (cont.)
... First thereÕs
the customers - theyÕre watching the boobs...
PAN to the bar. He
cleans a glass with a dirty rag, then spits in it and stacks it with the
others. He grins lasciviously at the stage.
RAQUEL (cont.)
...Behind them
youÕve got the bartender. ... heÕs watching the boobs, too...
PAN to the exits. The
Bouncers all stare at the dancer hungrily, too - dozens of patrons slipping
inside for free behind them.
RAQUEL (cont.)
... Behind him
youÕve got the bouncer... heÕs always watching the boobs...
PAN to EddieÕs Office.
He watches intently from the doorway, his head bobbing rapidly along with the
boobs.
RAQUEL (cont.)
... Then thereÕs
the manager, who... well, who are we kidding - EverybodyÕs watching the
boobs...
We PAN BACK past
everyone watching the boobs, waitresses, the DJ, etc., to Raquel and Vincent,
while in the background, a stripper
is on-stage working the brass pole, climbing and sliding seductively.
VINCENT
So basically, I
pay you to spend time with me.
Have a drink with me. Tease me, rub on me and at the end of the night I
go home with blue balls and an empty wallet?
RAQUEL
Just like a
regular date.
VINCENT
This is an
interesting concept. Instead of dinner and a movie, I give the money directly to
you, thereby cutting out the middleman.
The STRIPPERÕS act
gets more and more acrobatic.
Eventually working into a full-blown
Olympic gymnastic routine; rotating and flipping around the poles, doing
the Iron Cross, holding herself out parallel to the floor, etc.; and releasing with a pike-position,
double-twisting full gainer into a perfect dismount.
RAQUEL
WeÕre the
gladiators of the economy. Think of it as a factory outlet for sex. However, we are not prostitutes. I donÕt do anything I donÕt want to do.
The crowd goes nuts
and several guys hold up scores like they were judges. One guy looks like heÕs from an Eastern
Block country and holds up a really low score.
VINCENT
I canÕt believe
you enjoy dancing in a cheesy nude revue in this run-down strip club?
RAQUEL
IÕm just doing
this until I achieve my true goal.
VINCENT
WhatÕs that?
RAQUEL
To dance in a cheesy
semi-nude revue in a big casino...
Romero steps onstage,
trying to UNWIND the girlÕs leg, which has WRAPPED ITSELF AROUND THE POLE six
or seven times.
RAQUEL
So how long have
you been in Vegas?
VINCENT
Six years...
RAQUEL
What have you been
doing?
VINCENT
I came to Las
Vegas to drink myself to death.
RAQUEL
And youÕve been
here six years?
VINCENT
Yeah well letÕs
see you try it in Vegas. The
drinks are so watered down, I canÕt even catch a buzz...
The WAITRESS brings
VincentÕs multiple shots of JACK DANIELS. He slams down all nine whiskeys, then
waits motionless for a beat.
RAQUEL
Anything?
VINCENT
Nothing.
A new song begins to
blare. Another stripper starts
her act, behind her dozens of firemen
come sliding down the pole, running across the stage as if they were in
a drill.
RAQUEL
Look, I might as
well give you a lap dance - youÕre paying for it anyway....
VINCENT
How much?
RAQUEL
Twenty dollars a
song; or you - whichever comes first. IÕll see if I can get any of the
producers, investors, or studio brass doing walk-ons in this film to give up a
couch...
CUT
TO:
INT. LAP DANCE BOOTHS
Raquel and Vincent search
for an open space along a row of booths, each containing a tiny couch: in one
Wynotta grinds on a customer so hard that smoke rises from underneath her; in
the next booth Kato Kaelin sleeps alone, snoring softly; in the next, a man
rails to a psychiatrist during a therapy session. Finally Raquel finds an empty
booth, setting Vincent on the couch.
VINCENT
So I just sit
here, then...
RAQUEL
Keep your hands at
your sides. No touching. No squeezing me between your legs. No tongue. No
kissing. DonÕt move!
VINCENT
What if it
moves?
RAQUEL
Oh, itÕll
move. DonÕt worry about that. ItÕll move; itÕll twitch, itÕll jump,
itÕll pulsate, itÕll salute, itÕll sing the national anthem. But most of all, itÕll just hurt.
VINCENT
Jeez, this is
like a real date... Any other rules I should know about?
RAQUEL
Yeah - no cuts, no
spinzies, no slams, no one-hands, no set-ups; and lines are out.
VINCENT
Those are Òfour
squareÓ rules...
RAQUEL
Sorry - IÕve been
going to regression therapy. Must have been a flashback.
The music starts to
kick in, and Raquel begins to GRIND on VincentÕs lap. He tenses. Raquel grins
as she SPINS around, CLIMBING on top of Vincent. He obviously likes it.
VINCENT
(looks around
contentedly)
Maybe IÕll just
live here. I could set up a mail box at this corner, and a Ôfridge over here...
RAQUEL
(grins)
What do you do for
a living, Vince? Besides drink, I mean...
VINCENT
Swallow. Digest.
The usual... Actually I used to be a hit man for the mob. Maybe youÕve heard of
me - Vincent ÒTen FingersÓ Bonfigliono.
RAQUEL
(skeptical)
ÒTen Fingers?Ó
VINCENT
Mobsters arenÕt
very creative nick-namers. A few years ago I was on my way to Hollywood to take
care of some business for the mob... But while driving through the desert...
DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT. DESERT - DUSK
A sign reads ÒWELCOME
TO NEVADA - LAND OF BARREN DESOLATIONÓ A 1940Õs Buick convertible roars down a
lonely Highway. Vincent, dressed in a checkered silk sport coat, ascot,
sunglasses, and white Fedora, drives with two companions—a Mobster
(HARVEY ÔONE HEADÕ MOLLINO) and a pretty Moll (ÒTWO BREASTSÓ) with what a
severely pointed Ô40Õs-style brassiere.
HARVEY
Listen, Ten
Fingers - Hollywood isnÕt like other towns - they wonÕt buckle to the mob. What
youÕre trying to do is too evil - too cruel.
VINCENT
IÕve got my orders
- I do what IÕm told, and they will do what I tell them, One
Head. I donÕt care how wrong they think it is, how debased - even if it
destroys the film industry: Pauley Shore will have a movie career.
The Moll grumbles from
the back seat, bored.
TWO BREASTS
How much further
is it? This desert is dull - thereÕs nothing to look at but stupid nature in
all of itÕs awesome splendor. IsnÕt there some place fun we can stop?
HARVEY
Quiet, Two
Breasts. Why would anybody want to stop here, in a state with legalized
gambling and prostitution, when they can have more fun doing it illegally in
Arizona or California?
Suddenly Vincent hits
the brakes, the car SQUEELING to a quick stop.
VINCENT
Hold it! IÕve had
a vision! Forget about Hollywood...
Vincent hops out of
the car and runs into the desert. He stops to view the sunset, raising his arms
as if he was experiencing a religious conversion. Harvey climbs out of the car
and onto the sandy shoulder of the road, near a sign reading ÒDisneyland - 284 miles.Ó At the foot
of the sign is a sun-bleached animal
skull with large round mouse ears.
VINCENT
I can see it now -
a casino resort! WeÕll call it the ÒTropical Nugget,” and weÕll replace this
gorgeous desert view with an oversized art deco hotel! WeÕll cover the fine
desert sand with concrete and asphalt - corrupt natureÕs paradise with
tourists, gambling, free liquor, bad-tasting four dollar buffets, strip shows,
fraud, extortion, and prostitution. Then to top it all off, weÕll hire
top-flight entertainers to perform there, like Wayne Newton and Fred Travelina.
HARVEY
Fred Travelina? We
better put the top up - youÕre getting too much sun...
Vincent continues to
stare out into the distance as we...
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. LAP BOOTH
Vincent finishes his
story as Raquel sits on his lap, reading
ÒStrip Tease.Ó
VINCENT
... And so the
ÒTropical NuggetÓ was created. You know, I still have friends there - maybe
IÕll put in a good word for you. What are the odds that we go on a regular date
when youÕre done here?
Raquel puts the book
away, checking a board on the other wall
that is set up like a sports book. It lists major sporting events like
CUBS WIN WORLD SERIES -
4.8 Million/1
MIKE TYSON IQ -
over/under - 12
BILLY MARTIN RE-HIRED
BY YANKEES - even
DARRYL STRAWBERRY NEXT
SENTENCE - 5 to 10
TOMMY LASORDAÕS
WAISTLINE over/under - 54
RAQUEL GOES ON DATE
WITH VINCENT...
RAQUEL
ItÕs currently
5-2, with the over/under at 69.
VINCENT
Is it cold in here
or what?. When do you get off?
RAQUEL
Never. DonÕt kid
yourself, slime! This is strictly business for me - IÕm able to keep my emotions and feelings
completely separate. No offense,
but this isnÕt a turn-on for me. ThatÕs why the owner likes to keep it cold in
here - so it looks like weÕre aroused, when really, weÕre just colder than hell.
As they converse, the board changes odds on them going out on a date to Ò10 -1.Ó
VINCENT
I meant - when do
you get off work.
RAQUEL
Oh .... in about
fifteen minutes
VINCENT
CÕmon - take a
chance, youÕre my angel...
The odds change to Ò2-1.Ó
She gives him once
last long and hard grind, then jumps off.
RAQUEL
All right, I
guess...
VINCENT
(slightly dazed)
Great! IÕll get my
car...
Vincent stands up -
with some difficulty - and in his
excited state turns to leave,
knocking over tables, chairs, drinks and other items. He excuses
himself, hands in the air, as he ÒpokesÓ a waitress by mistake.
WAITRESS
Hey - you canÕt
bring a gun in here!
Vincent continues on,
knocking a whole row of items off a shelf, breaking the glass in the juke box
and pulling the exit curtain off itÕs
rings.
CUT
TO:
EXT. CASINO - NIGHT
Vincent and Raquel
approach the Tropical Nugget. ThereÕs a huge crowd of people, valets, doorman
and cars jamming the front entrance.
RAQUEL
Oh wow, itÕs
packed.
VINCENT
Everyone is trying to
get into see ÒPussy CatsÓ. ItÕs the hottest show on the strip.
(turns to camera)
... although it
has no relation or financial responsibility to the famous Broadway show ÒCats.Ó
RAQUEL
IÕd give my left
tit to dance in that show.
VINCENT
Talk about a
catch-22...
He throws the car into
reverse and backs down a side street, parking in a back alley. Vincent hops out
and opens her door.
VINCENT
LetÕs go pussycat!
RAQUEL
TheyÕre gonna tow
you if you leave it here.
VINCENT
I have an
understanding with the towing union...
Vincent pulls out a
huge wad of money, just as a tow truck cruises by slowly and casually hands the
driver a twenty as he passes.
TOW TRUCK DRIVER
Evening, Mr.
Bonfigliono...
Vincent opens the
trunk and pulls out a crowbar.
RAQUEL
Besides, we canÕt
get into the show - itÕs probably been sold out for weeks. WeÕd be lucky to
even get near the door.
He jams the crowbar in
the edge of a manhole cover and lifts it out of the pavement.
VINCENT
I like going in
this way, you donÕt have to stand in line.
They crawl down a
ladder into the sewer and are greeted by a doorman at the bottom.
DOORMAN
Evening, Mr.
Bonfigliono...
Vincent slips him a
twenty and offers Raquel his arm. They walk off into the darkness.
CUT
TO:
INT. SEWER PIPE - SAME
Vincent and Raquel
trudge through knee deep water as maintenance men, sewer workers, an alligator and
various characters greet and lead them through - Vincent tipping them all
twenty.
SEWER WORKER #1
Mr. Bonfigliono!
SEWER WORKER #2
Hiya, Mr.
Bonfigliono!
SEWER WORKER #3
Good to see you
again, Mr. Bonfigliono!
The CAMERA follows
them in a CONTINUOUS SHOT into...
CUT
TO:
INT. TROPICAL NUGGET - BATHROOM
A large drain in the
floor opens. Vincent and Raquel climb out and are greeted by an attendant in a
tux. He towels them off as Vincent hands him another twenty. They pass people
sitting in open stalls who greet them, Vincent slipping them all twenty as
well. They step out into...
MAN IN STALL #1
Hello, Mr.
Bonfigliono!
MAN IN STALL #2
Yo, Mr.
Bonfigliono!
MAN IN STALL #3
(grunts)
Hi Mr.
Bonfigliono...
The CAMERA follows
them through the door into...
CUT
TO:
INT. TROPICAL NUGGET - KITCHEN - SAME
Cooks unpack bags of
Chinese, Italian and Mexican fast food, laying it all out on silver platters to
serve to customers. A BARTENDER is making mixed drinks. He wearÕs a CHEMISTÕS
LAB COAT and gently squeezes LIQUOR OUT OF AN EYEDROPPER into the drink
glasses.
Raquel and Vincent are
led past Bouncers dragging an irate customer into the room, beating the crap
out of him. Vincent tips them all - even the guy getting beaten.
THUG #1
Greetings, Mr.
Bonfigliono!
THUG #2
Salutations, Mr.
Bonfigliono!
VICTIM
Good to see you
again, Mr. Bonfigliono!
They all smile,
thanking him, then resume the beating.
BEATING VICTIM (o.s.)
CanÕt we all just
get along?
The CAMERA follows
them into...
CUT
TO:
INT. TROPICAL NUGGET - SHOWROOM - SAME
Vincent and Raquel are
greeted by a bouncer in a tux, who leads them into the dining area. Waiters remove
a table - as well as the two people sitting there. A new table, with lit
candles, and silverware is quickly set up for them. Vincent greets the mobsters who are sitting around them.
VINCENT
Bobby Two Ears
Gentilli! Good to see you. Jackie Average-size Penis Corlucci! And Ricky
Foot-in-his-forehead Grandazzo!
A gangster with a foot sticking out of his forehead
shakes his hand and sits back down. A waiter rolls a serving cart with a two dozen chilled bottles of champagne
to their table. Raquel looks at Vincent quizzically.
RAQUEL
Are you sure
youÕre a retired mobster?
VINCENT
Well, I guess I
didnÕt get around to telling everybody just yet...
They turn to the show
on-stage, seeing...
CUT
TO:
INT. ÒPUSSYCATSÓ STAGE
Showgirls dance on-stage
in CAT COSTUMES - FOUR GLITTERING WONDER-BRAS on each cat. They go through various
catlike motions as they sing.
DANCERS
Pussycats are and
pussycats do...
CUT
TO:
INT. SHOWROOM
Raquel imitates the stuff going on on-stage.
First with arm movements, then clawing, sniffing and trying to lick herself,
etc., as the owner of the Tropical Nugget and big-time gangster (MICKEY
CARDILLICCHIO) approaches. He and Vincent stare at each other intently -
thereÕs no love lost between these men.
MICKEY
Ten Fingers! Good
to have you back here. Things have really changed since you left town. Vegas
has turned into a putrid swamp of thievery, larceny and crime..... weÕre doing much better now, huh! And
whoÕs your lovely date?
VINCENT
Her nameÕs Raquel
- sheÕs a dancer.
Mickey kisses RaquelÕs
hand, obviously to needle Vincent.
MICKEY (cont.)
Please to make
your acquaintance, Raquel - are you currently working?
She decks him with right cross.
RAQUEL
Working? IÕm not a
hooker! Screw you, you pizza-brain...
Everyone in the place
goes for their guns, but Mickey - climbing up off the ground - puts a hand up
to stop them all. They all put their guns back and resume eating, dancing,
serving, sweeping, etc.
MICKEY
(gathering himself)
I meant are you
currently dancing anywhere?
RAQUEL
Oh, yeah - over at
the Bottomless Pit - every afternoon.
MICKEY
Ahh - you should
be doing nicely, youÕre so... sexy...
The surrounding crowd
murmurs in agreement.
RAQUEL
(still smiling)
What do you mean,
IÕm sexy?
MICKEY
Sexy, you know - youÕre a sexy girl...
RAQUEL
(serious)
You mean you like
my tits, or what?
MICKEY
(backpedaling)
YouÕre just sexy -
the way you look, you know, itÕs sexy.
RAQUEL
(getting upset)
How? I mean whatÕs sexy about it?
VINCENT
Raquel - you got
it all wrong...
RAQUEL
(interrupting)
... Hold - hold - wait a minute - heÕs a big shot
- heÕs knows what he said - what did you say? Sexy how?
MICKEY
(scared)
Just ... sexy -
youÕre sexy...
She grabs him by the
tie, pulling him into a chair. The place goes silent.
RAQUEL
(sarcastic and
cold)
Let me understand
this - maybe itÕs me - IÕm a little screwed up, maybe. IÕm sexy how? Like IÕm a slut? I titillate you? I make you excited?
IÕm here to frigginÕ arouse you? What do you mean, sexy how? How am I
sexy?
MICKEY
Just the way you
hold yourself, you know?
She pulls him closer
and is pissed off.
RAQUEL
No - no; I donÕt
know - you said it. How do I know?
You said IÕm sexy? How am I sexy?
What is so sexy about me?
Tell me - tell me whatÕs sexy?...
MICKEY
(realizes)
Get the hell out
of here...
Raquel smiles, stands
up and looks around.
RAQUEL
I almost had him!
Everyone has a good
laugh until a drunk patron stumbles up to their table.
PATRON
Ha, ha, ha - you
really busted his balls lady - youÕre really funny!
The place goes silent
again, Raquel glaring at the drunk furiously.
RAQUEL
Funny?!!!! What do
you mean...funny?
VINCENT
(head in hands)
Oh, I wish
you hadnÕt said that...
Before another
confrontation begins, the lights dim, and everyone turns to see...
INT. ÒPUSSYCATSÓ STAGE
The star of the show
CRYSTAL GOBLET emerges out of a glittering litter box, in simulated
moonlight. She is playing the part
of ÒJIZZABELLA.Ó
CRYSTAL
(singing)
Mammaries ....
All alone in the
moonlight;
So much more than
a handful...
Jizzabella stretches
up into the night, screeching like an alley cat at the moon, after the next
line.
CRYSTAL
... You can see
they are lovely...
VOICE (o.s.)
(yelling)
Shut up out there!
An oversize shoe comes flying out of the
wings, which Jizzabella ducks perfectly.
She recoils and hisses loudly at the unseen insomniac.
CUT
TO:
INT. SHOWROOM TABLE
Raquel is mesmerized
by Crystal, her tongue even wagging a little. Mickey leans in next to her.
MICKEY
What do you think
of our little production here?
RAQUEL
ItÕs unbelievable,
spectacular - I love it!
MICKEY
You better believe
it baby - itÕs the hottest show on the strip...
Everyone
in the room nods, adding...
EVERYONE (in unison)
... although it
has no relation or financial responsibility to the famous Broadway show ÒCats.Ó
CUT
TO:
INT. STAGE
Jizzabella is
seductively stripping and dancing like a cat as she sings.
CRYSTAL
Cough up phlegm and fur
balls,
The stale cold smell of
rat guts;
Lick myself Ôcause I
can,
Then sniff some
other cat butts...
CUT
TO:
INT. SHOWROOM
Vincent POPS OPEN the
last bottle of champagne. The cork goes
flying and knocks out a passing waiter, who FAlls on top of a pile of
unconscious waiters. Raquel looks back at Mickey, who TOASTS her, then
she turns back to Vincent.
RAQUEL
Who is Mickey,
anyway? You guys donÕt seem to like each other...
The people around them
tense, preparing for another FLASHBACK.
VINCENT
Raquel, I told you
- you must NEVER ask me to tell you about my sordid, deeply conflicted past.
The people around them
relax, relieved.
RAQUEL
No - you told me
never to ask you to stop drinking...
VINCENT
Oh... okay then...
(starts musing)
... Mickey is the
one who replaced me at the casino, as well as in some other places... ItÕs a
long story, but it goes like this...
Raquel and everyone at
the tables around them groans, preparing for the worst.
VINCENT (cont.)
... You should
have seen me in the old days. At that time, Vegas was a place where millions of
suckers flew in every year and left behind about a billion dollars. Of course
most of it was in nickels, so the local bank hated us on deposit day. But you
should have seen it at night..
He stares off into the
distance, misty-eyed, as we...
DISSOLVE
TO
EXT. LAS VEGAS - NIGHT
A planeÕs POV high up
in the sky - giving us an overhead view of the city through the clouds -
shining through the darkness like a glittering jewel on black velvet.
VINCENT (v.o.)
I used to love to
fly in at night. It was beautiful, and the ride was smooth...
THWACK! The plane
plows into a flock of parachuting
ÒFlying ElvisÕ,Ó and a few are deflected off the windshield. An Elvis Impersonator GLIDES PAST - the
VIEW SUDDENLY SHAKING.
VINCENT (v.o. - cont.)
... Except for
those damn Flying Elvises getting caught in the engines. At night, you couldnÕt
see the desert surrounding Las Vegas; but itÕs in the desert where a lot of the
townÕs problems are solved...
CUT
TO:
EXT. DESERT - DAY
Dry, arid -
forbidding. We TRACK along, until reaching Vincent and Harvey One Head filling
dirt into two large holes in the sand with shovels.
VINCENT (v.o.)
... We got a lot
of holes in the desert, and a lot of problems are buried in those holes: rival
gangsters, G-men, telephone sales people, stereo salesmen, mimes, bad waiters,
anybody appearing with a monkey act...
Beyond them are MANY more
holes - a STEAM SHOVEL digs furiously.
VINCENT (v.o.)
Except you gotta
do it right - I mean you gotta have the hole already dug before you show up
with a package and a truck, otherwise youÕre talking about a half hour or 45
minutes of digging. And who knows whoÕs gonna be coming along in that time
before you know it you gotta dig a few more holes - you could be there all
night...
Vincent and Harvey One
Head pat down on the mounds in the sand with shovels as along the roadside we
see a long line-up of empty cars - and a lot more holes behind them.
VINCENT
ThatÕs it - the whole
Cowsill family - no more ÒHairÓ revivals or ÒGetting Into that Sunny, Sunny
FeelinÕÓ in my town...
HARVEY
WeÕre running out
of holes, though - we had to bury them on top of the King family...
Now a bus pulls up.
Several bright faced family members poke their heads out of the windows.
TONY DEFRANCO
Hi! WeÕre the DeFranco family, and weÕll be
performing our hit ÒHeartbeat - ItÕs A Love BeatÓ at the Sands - can you direct
us to Las Vegas?
Both men sigh and
start to dig fresh holes.
CUT
TO:
EXT. TROPICAL NUGGET CASINO - NIGHT
Glittering with neon
and thousands of blinking light bulbs under the marquee. A limo pulls up,
Vincent, looking handsome and confident, steps out of the car in perfect, shiny
Goodfellas suit.
VINCENT (v.o.)
My friends in the
mob backed me with the money required for a new Las Vegas pleasure palace and a
license from the Gaming Commission for the Tropical Nugget Casino. Suddenly I
was royalty.
Vincent notices that one of the light bulbs is out.
YOUNG VINCENT
Wankowski - we
need a new light bulb screwed in!
WANKOWSKI, a janitor,
steps forward with a ladder, looking the problem over and shaking his head.
WANKOWSKI
No telling how
many guys this is gonna take...
Vincent steps inside,
where heÕs greeted by YOUNG MICKEY.
VINCENT (v.o.)
So I went to work.
I hired an old casino pal, Mickey Cardillicchio, as my manager. Mickey was a
real killer then.
CUT
TO:
INT. WORK ROOM
Mickey and a few thugs
hold a man across a work table, his head squeezed in a vise. A sign on the wall behind him says ÒTropical Nugget
Employees: Please Put Tools Away After Torturing Customers.Ó
VINCENT (v.o.)
No matter how big
a guy might be, Mickey would take him on. You beat Mickey with fists, he comes
back with a bat. You beat him with a knife, he comes back with a gun. And if
you beat him with a gun, heÕd come back with... a bigger gun. Mickey
wasnÕt too bright...
Mickey rotates the
lever, tightening the vise.
MICKEY
Talk! Talk!
THUG #1
He canÕt talk,
Mickey - the vise is too tight...
Mickey slaps his own
forehead, realizing his mistake.
VINCENT (cont.)
Mickey handled all
the dirty work, to keep me clean with the cops...
Suddenly police burst
into the room, guns drawn.
COP
Hold it!
Vise-squad!!!
They all raise their
hands as we...
CUT
TO:
INT. TROPICAL NUGGET CASINO
Vincent looks down
over the casino downstairs, confident and handsome, with his Moll Two Breasts
by his side.
VINCENT
Then Vegas changed
- it became a family town...
On the floor below a purple
dinosaur (Barney) runs a craps table,
surrounded by kids; all smoking, betting
and throwing dice.
VINCENT (v.o.)
Even so, I ruled
the strip. I worked 18 hour days, but I had money... power... and I had my girl
Two Breasts...
Two Breasts kisses him
good-bye, poking him in the chest, and leaving as we...
WIPE
TO:
INT. TROPICAL NUGGET PENTHOUSE - NIGHT
Two Breasts emerges
from the bathroom in a silk bathrobe - her breasts still sharply pointed by her
Ô40Õs bra - gliding over to Mickey, who proudly surveys the view of the Las
Vegas Strip through the picture window.
VINCENT (v.o.)
... Or so I
thought, until Mickey got out of jail...
They kiss as the
DOORBELL rings. Two Breasts hides as Mickey answers the door. Vincent steps in
- noticing TWO PUNCTURE MARKS on the chest of MickeyÕs sport coat.
VINCENT (v.o.)
My best girl and
my best friend. I never saw it coming...
Vincent pulls his gun
on Mickey and notices Two BreastsÕ brassiere POKING THROUGH the closed doors of
the armoire. When he opens the doors she looks back at him, distraught with
shame.
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. SHOWROOM
Back in the present.
Vincent notices everyone around him dozing off, and shouts loudly.
VINCENT
... So thatÕs my
story!!! I really donÕt want to say anything more...
The other customers
applaud as Raquel looks at him, concerned. Behind her the injured waiter SETS FIRE TO A FLAMBE DISH
behind them.
RAQUEL
Are you putting me
in danger, introducing me to all these people in the mob?
VINCENT
Are you kidding
me? I told you IÕm an ex-mobster - besides - this isnÕt a mob town
anymore. ThereÕs absolutely no danger...
Vincent rises for
emphasis, knocking over the WAITER who immediately CATCHES FIRE, running
frantically around the room in flames. In the FOREGROUND, Vincent moves in
closer to Raquel, their lips almost touching.
RAQUEL
Tell me something,
Vincent. Are you hitting on me?
VINCENT
I am not here to
force my twisted soul into your life. We both know IÕm a drunk, and I know
youÕre a stripper. I hope you understand that I am a person who is totally at
ease with this — which is not to say that IÕm indifferent, or I donÕt
care. I do. It simply means that I trust and accept your judgment ...
RAQUEL
ThatÕs too bad,
because I was hoping for a guy who doesnÕt care to ravage me for a
couple hours of spontaneous, guilt-free, irresponsible sex...
VINCENT
(thrilled)
Good, Ôcause I was
just making all that other stuff up!
He tosses his bottle,
RE-IGNITING the man behind them, and kisses her passionately. Suddenly Raquel
pulls back.
RAQUEL
No! ItÕs all too
fast! I have plans! Ambitions! Goals! Plus I can still smell the sewer on you!
She turns and runs
toward the exit, slamming into Mickey.
RAQUEL
Get your hands off
me you bent-nose, Mafiosi, jailbird, racketeering, goodfella, wiseguy,
evildoer!
MICKEY
Your point
being...?
Flustered, Raquel
rushes out.
JOE (v.o.)
So begins our
loversÕ triangle... actually in this case itÕs more like a pentagonal
dodecahedron, but I digress. We next find Raquel back at work...
CUT
TO:
INT. STRIP CLUB DRESSING ROOM - EVENING
Raquel is perfuming
herself using a giant bug-spray gun labeled ÒObsession.Ó Pamela kicks the
backstage door open, all sweaty, with wads of dollar bills all over her person.
PAMELA
YouÕre up
plywood...
Raquel grumbles to
herself as Pamela passes by, then is approached by a studious looking, yet
gorgeous stripper, DIONNE.
DIONNE
DonÕt pay any
attention to them - theyÕre just jealous of anybody new who could cut into
their earning power.
RAQUEL
IÕm not trying to
take anyoneÕs job, this is just temporary.
DIONNE
Me too. My nameÕs
Dionne. IÕm working my way through school.
RAQUEL
ThatÕs great! What are you studying?
DIONNE
I have a B.S. in
Aeronautical engineering, a Masters in Quantum Mechanical Physics and now IÕm
working on my PHD...
RAQUEL
WhatÕs your
thesis?
DIONNE
(rather blasŽ)
IÕm developing a
theoretical propulsion system that will allow space travel to be advanced
exponentially by exploiting the common properties of time dimensions.
RAQUEL
(shrugs)
It doesnÕt take a
rocket scientist to do that...
DIONNE
Yourself?
RAQUEL
I want to dance
topless in a really big Vegas show.
DIONNE
Oh, I envy you so
much... You know exactly where youÕre going. I have no idea what my future
holds. I could end up teaching advanced nuclear physics at Cambridge or
splitting atoms at Fermi Lab or crunching theoretical evidence in some think
tank somewhere - itÕs frightening!
You... youÕre my heroine - my Pagan role model...
RAQUEL
YouÕre so nice.
Thanks. If thereÕs anything I can do for you - donÕt be shy.
DIONNE
Actually, I canÕt
afford daycare, so could you watch my son for me while IÕm on stage?
RAQUEL
Sure, sweety where
is the little darling?
Dionne points toward a sEVENty year old man slobbering over
all the nude women in the corner of the room. She shrugs apologetically.
DIONNE
I adopted...
(turns back)
... Oh, and stay
away from my chubs or IÕll rip your head off.
Eddie Velcro enters -
all smiles.
EDDIE
Hello Ladies! Come on - letÕs get out there;
everybody - next song is ladies choice. CÕmon - letÕs go - sell, sell, sell...
all ladies on-stage...
WYNOTTA
Eddie could yaÕ
turn off the A/C already. ItÕs freezing out there.
EDDIE
No way, baby - we
gotta keep them nipples hard.
PAMELA
ItÕs so frigginÕ
cold I think my left one froze.
EDDIE
The colder the
better. Remember the Velcro credo:
ALL OF THEM
The bigger the
nips - the bigger the tips...
EDDIE
Aw - I love it! IÕm
gonna drop it down another ten or fifteen degrees. Besides - my new girl doesnÕt seem to complain.
(like a football
coach)
Now cÕmon, letÕs
go - letÕs go! Go! Go! Move it -
move it - move it!
The girls jump to
their feet and run out the door like theyÕre leaving the locker room at
half-time, with Eddie slapping their butts as they go. The last one is a male football player in full pads.
CUT
TO:
INT. STAGE -SAME
ItÕs so cold on-stage,
you can see the performersÕ breath. DJ Doug can barely speak in his booth,
bundled up like an arctic explorer.
DJ DOUG
A-a-a-and now
w-w-w-elcome D-D-Dionne... m-m-movinÕ-est, g-g-groovinÕ-est, ch-ch-ch-ch...
Dionne starts
seductively licking one of the brass poles and gets her tongue stuck to
it. WE PULL BACK, and there are
five or six of them stuck to different poles. Icicles are forming on their various appendages.
CUT
TO:
INT. AUDIENCE
The customers have
mittens and winter coats on. A
couple of them brave the cold without shirts; their faces and chests painted
team colors like those drunken idiots in Green Bay or Pittsburgh at an outdoor
football game in winter. They stand up revealing the letters: S.T.R.I.P. on their
chests. They let out loud whooping noises. Eddie steps out and looks around,
frowning.
EDDIE
Okay, IÕll turn it
up... five degrees.
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. STRIP CLUB - LATER
DJ Doug is going
through his paces.
DJ DOUG
All right boyzz;
how about that lady - sheÕs moovinÕ; sheÕs groovinÕ; her breasts are improovinÕ
- letÕs hear it for Pamela... SheÕs heading back to that couch area and will
give you a lap dance that will take your breath away... so - remember to turn
your head sideways every once in a while.
He throws in a few
sound effects to highlight his Òjoke.Ó Robin Quivers laughs plastically.
CUT
TO:
INT. PRIVATE BOOTH
Pamela (whose breasts
are now even larger) is dancing for a yuppie in a three-piece suit. He flashes his gold card, which he
inserts and slides between her cleavage.
A receipt prints out.
CUT
TO:
INT. STAGE
Raquel twirls on the brass pole, her
SPINNING LEGS KNOCKING several of the closer customers out of their chairs. She
climbs up higher as a DELIVERY BOY approaches the stage, holding a bouquet of
roses.
DELIVERY BOY
Flower delivery
for Raquel...
RAQUEL
(waving)
ThatÕs me.
He CLIMBS UP the pole
underneath her, handing her the flowers, then a delivery order.
DELIVERY BOY
Sign please...
She does so, still
twirling. The Delivery Boy slides down again, where a DISGUISED POLITICIAN JUMPS over from the marked ÔDisguised
PoliticianÕ section, BASHING the Delivery Boy over the head repeatedly with a
WINE BOTTLE.
DJ DOUG
(tiredly - heÕs
read this before)
Will all Disguised
Politicians please refrain from attacking the other customers with wine
bottles? Thank-you...
Romero pulls the
politician away as Raquel reads the card, which says:
ÒLOVELY RAQUEL,
PLEASE COME TO THE TROPICAL NUGGET TOMORROW FOR AN AUDITION.
Mickey Cardillicchio - Owner of the Tropical Nugget & Big-time
Gangster.
Raquel emits an
ear-piercing high-pitched squeal, breaking the wall mirrors behind her.
CUT
TO:
INT. TROPICAL NUGGET - NEXT DAY
Raquel enters the
Tropical Nugget and walks through the casino, looking around in amazement.
JOE (v.o.)
She enters the
casino. She is enthralled by the noise, the bright lights - like every
Hollywood movie she ever saw about glamorous Las Vegas...
She passes various Vegas movie characters: Someone
looking like Albert Brooks
wandering around in his pajamas, complaining that his wife lost the nest egg;
Someone like Nicholas Cage asking
directions to the Flying Elvises; Two
men is shiny suits - one autistic and mumbling ÒRainman counts cards...
definitely counts cards.Ó
Raquel moves on,
suddenly locking eyes with an incredibly HANDSOME MILLIONAIRE in a tuxedo.
HANDSOME MILLIONAIRE
Excuse me, but
would you sleep with me for a million dollars?
Raquel PUNCHES him in
the eye.
RAQUEL
IÕm no hooker!
IÕve worked too long and too hard to... wait, did you say a million
dollars?
HANDSOME MILLIONAIRE
Yes - would you sleep with me for just one
night If I gave you one million
dollars?
RAQUEL
(enthusiastically)
Sure!!
HANDSOME MILLIONAIRE
Thanks... Just
checking.
The incredibly
HANDSOME MILLIONAIRE walks away.
JOE (v.o.)
... But as she
moves through, she finds this is not the casino of shallow Hollywood movies.
This is the real casino, with the stench of stale smoke and desperation
choking her senses as she steps through...
Raquel walks down a
row of housewives playing slot machines.
One of them paying off, filling the tray with quarters. She moves past a telephone booth - suddenly IT pays off
too - filling the booth with quarters.
Raquel passes a large
wheel with money on it. A crowd places bets on different denominations.
GUY #1
IÕd like to buy a
vowel...
She passes a craps
table, the roller throwing the dice
GUY #2
Yahtzee!
The crowd cheers,
while at a blackjack table a player checks his cards and scratches the table
with them.
GUY #3
Hit me.
The dealer gives him a
right cross to the forehead, knocking him off his seat. The other players
quickly say ÒIÕll stickÓ and ÒIÕm good,Ó etc.
She passes by a roped
off high roller area; the BACCARAT TABLE. We see tuxedoed European men and
stunningly attractive women in evening gowns sitting around the table
cautiously eyeing their cards. A suave, dangerous looking JAMES BOND TYPE
raises his cards and says:
James
Bond type
Go fish!
We PAN UP to the Òeye
in the sky,Ó a camera thatÕs following RAQUELÕS every move.
CUT
TO
INT. TROPICAL NUGGET - PENTHOUSE
Raquel walks through
the Casino on a TV screen. PULLING BACK, we see there is a bank of monitors. A
thug (ONE LINE) grins.
ONE LINE
SheÕs here, Mr.
Cardillichio, just like you predicted...
Mickey sits nearby,
receiving manicures and pedicures by several girls. His eyes are covered by cucumber slices, and his face has been smeared with a white facial cream.
MICKEY
Excellent, One
Line. Soon that has-been Vincent Ten FingersÕ girl will be mine! I took his
job, his girl Two Breasts - and IÕll take this one, too!
Mickey laughs, as does
everyone around him. They all continue to laugh until Mickey stops, pausing to
pull the cucumber slices off of his eyes.
MICKEY (cont.)
Hey - whatÕs
this...
He wipes the cream from his face and looks up to
find another thug EATING a salad
directly over him, slopping everywhere.
MICKEY (cont.)
DidnÕt I tell you
to eat that in the kitchen?
CUT
TO:
INT. TROPICAL NUGGET SHOWROOM
Raquel walks in to see
dancers stretching and warming up on-stage for the audition. They INSERT MOUTH
GUARDS, TAPE FOIL ACROSS THEIR KNUCKLES, and SLIP HORSE SHOES INTO BOXING
GLOVES. She stares at the group of women from afar, as the Big showÕs producer,
LLOYD WEBSTER, enters. HeÕs the Marine sergeant from ÒFull Metal Jacket.Ó
LLOYD WEBSTER
Fall in!
The girls scramble to
form a line and Lloyd Webster starts down the row, yelling at them.
LLOYD WEBSTER
I am Lloyd Webster,
producer of ÒPussycatsÓ: Because I am a prick, you will not like me, but the
more you hate me, the more you will learn. I want you to dance and to stimulate. If you ladies survive this audition,
you will become a Pussycat, a sex-object, a tease. You will be a high-priestess of titillation, praying for
lust. But until that time, you are
just a bunch of chicks with nice gams, you are the lowest form of life in
Vegas. I have one interest here -
the show. I am here to weed-out
all the wide-eyed wannabes who do not possess the skills nor the magnetism to
serve in my beloved ÒPussycatsÓ - the hottest show on the strip...
(turns to the
camera)
... although it has no
relation or financial responsibility to the famous Broadway show ÒCats.Ó
(back to girls)
Do you sorry
excuses for dancers understand that?
DANCERS (in unison)
Sir - yes, sir.
LLOYD WEBSTER
I canÕt hear you.
DANCERS (in unison)
Sir - yes, sir
He stops and looks at
a dancerÕs cleavage. He whips out some calipers.
LLOYD WEBSTER
(measuring)
You call those
breasts? Drop down and give me
twenty pectoral stretches.
She does. He goes on to another nervous
candidate.
LLOYD WEBSTER
What is your name?
DANCER #1
Sabrina Turzac...
LLOYD WEBSTER
Turzac? I hate the
name Turzac! From now on youÕre ÒSugarpuss.Ó Why are you here Sugarpuss?
DANCER #1
To dance, sir.
LLOYD WEBSTER
So youÕre a
dancer, huh? Let me see you pout!
She pouts.
LLOYD WEBSTER (cont.)
I said pout! Like
you mean it! Let me see your bedroom face!
She pouts harder,
sucking in her cheeks.
LLOYD WEBSTER (cont.)
IÕm not turned on
- IÕm not even aroused! Off my
stage!
He goes down the line
to a very tall, buxom blonde.
LLOYD WEBSTER
Where are you
from, stretch?
DANCER #2
Dallas. I just graduated from Baylor.
LLOYD WEBSTER
Baylor? They donÕt allow dancing at Baylor!
ItÕs a sin to dance at Baylor! I
need sinners! Get the hell out of
here you virtuous, pure, moral, chaste, upstanding, incorruptible virgin!
(to next girl)
... and where did
you graduate?
DANCER #3
(frightened and
embarrassed)
... O - O - Or....
LLOYD WEBSTER
Out with it!
DANCER #3
Oral Roberts...
LLOYD WEBSTER
Now thatÕs more
like it!
He continues down the
line, pontificating.
LLOYD WEBSTER (cont.)
The sexiest thing
in the world is a Tropical Nugget Showgirl in her G-string. These hormones must
be harnessed if you expect to survive two shows a night, seven days a week,
with a midnight show on Saturdays. If your sexual instincts are not strong,
your audience may become flaccid at the moment of truth. Do you understand?!?
DANCERS (in unison)
Sir, yes sir...
LLOYD WEBSTER
I canÕt hear you!
DANCERS (in unison)
Sir, yes sir!!!
He steps over to
Raquel.
LLOYD WEBSTER
What do we have
here? What is your name, showgirl?
RAQUEL
I am Raquel, sir!
I symbolize all of the ennobling qualities of the female gender! Heart!
Courage! Ambition...!
LLOYD WEBSTER
IÕm sure thatÕs
fascinating, but what can you do for me? Do you think IÕll let just anyone
dance in my company? What could you possibly have to offer me?
Raquel whispers in his
ear, then opens her leotards a little, the eerie
green glow emanating from inside, like the briefcase in ÒPulp Fiction,Ó singeing
his eyebrows. Argument over.
LLOYD WEBSTER (cont.)
Okay - youÕve made
the first cut.
INT. STAGE - VARIOUS SHOTS
The dancers are
subjected to a rigorous audition. They spin, leap, kick, crawl under barbed
wire. Some girls canÕt cut it and are drubbed out of the audition. They do the
splits to his cadence.
LLOYD WEBSTER
Our producer is a
grouch...
DANCERS (in unison)
ÒOur producer is a
grouch...Ó
LLOYD WEBSTER
ThatÕs why we have
the casting couch...
DANCERS (in unison)
ÒThatÕs why we
have the casting couch.Ó
CUT
TO:
INT. STAGE - LATER
With their hands up in
front and elbows bent, the dancers squeeze their breasts together with their
forearms to his cadence.
LLOYD WEBSTER
Compress;
disengage - compress; disengage - compress; disengage...
INT. STAGE - CAT BOX
ThereÕs a huge litter
box in the middle of the stage and the dancers are jumping in one-by-one,
squatting like a cat momentarily, then rising and scratching at the sand,
covering up the unseen cat poo.
LLOYD WEBSTER
Pinch and cover;
pinch and cover; letÕs go - letÕs go - letÕs go, pussycats are tidy animals -
go! go! go!...
INT. STAGE - SAME
The dancers are
grinding their pelvic regions into each other to his cadence.
LLOYD WEBSTER
Up everyday at the
crack of noon..
DANCERS (in unison)
Ò... Up everyday
at the crack of noon.Ó
LLOYD WEBSTER
We just love to
shake that poon...
DANCERS (in unison)
Ò... We just love
to shake that poon.Ó
CUT
TO:
INT. STAGE - LATER
Only a handful of
dancers are left. They all stand in formation, presenting tiny G-strings for
Lloyd WebsterÕs approval.
DANCERS (in unison)
ÒThis is my
G-string. There are many like it,
but this one is mine. My G-string is my best friend. It is my life. Without me,
my G-string is useless. Without my G-string, I am useless. I must bump and
grind my hips better and deeper than the competition on the strip and
downtown. My G-string and myself
are the gladiators of our showroom.
We are the masters of Las Vegas.
We are the saviors of Nevada.
So be it, until there are no more gamblers - and the casinos have all
the money. Amen.Ó
They toss their
G-strings in the air like hats on graduation day, cheering their victory.
Raquel shrieks in excitement, breaking more glass.
CUT
TO:
INT. BOTTOMLESS PIT - BACKSTAGE - DAY
Pamela reads a Cosmo
magazine with the articles like: ÒPenis Envy: Does Your Boyfriend Have It,
Too?Ó and ÒSatanistÕs Diet, More results with fewer Sacrifices.Ó Eddie Velcro steps
up, looking over her new boob job.
EDDIE
You got another
boob job?
Pamela lowers her
magazine to reveal an EVEN MORE GROTESQUE BOOB JOB. She smiles proudly,
adjusting her top.
PAMELA
Check Ôem out.
TheyÕre the latest models - ÒAir-PumpsÓ by Reebok...
Pamela PUMPS the
nipple, her breasts GROWING EVEN LARGER as Raquel BURSTS IN.
EDDIE
YouÕre late.
She gathers her few
belongings.
RAQUEL
I quit Velcro!
EDDIE
And just where the
hell do you think youÕre going?
RAQUEL
I got a REAL job
at a place where women arenÕt exploited: a topless show at a big time casino!!!
EDDIE
YouÕre dreaminÕ...
RAQUEL
My dreams have
come true! You can take your crummy tit bar and your bad breath and your
pathetic little penis and stick it up your ass...
Eddie is momentarily
stunned and embarrassed by the penis comment, but thinks of something to say
just as sheÕs almost out of earshot.
EDDIE
(yelling)
Yeah, well if I
could do that, it wouldnÕt exactly be little...
SUDDENLY - wild
cheering emanates from the main room. They all stop and listen. The loud
screams continue, even though there is NO MUSIC playing.
EDDIE
(looking around)
What the - whoÕs
on-stage?
DIONNE
(confused)
Nobody - weÕre on
intermission...
CUT
TO:
INT. CLUB - STAGE
The place is going
nuts. Horny guys are whooping it up with open mouths and wide eyes. TheyÕre
throwing money at the stage, stomping their feet and doing that annoying
ÒArsenioÓ thing with their fists as a CLEANING WOMAN is on-stage Windexing the brass
pole. Money flies all around her as she bends over to brush a pile of dirt into
a dustpan.
CUT
TO:
INT.
EXECUTIVEÕS OFFICE
The Execs sit at the
edge of their seats, enthralled, as Joe continues.
JOE
All of RaquelÕs
dreams have come true. SheÕs quit
her job working at the sleazy topless club, to work topless in the lavish
Tropical Nugget casino.
PAUL
Da - hare frauline
controls her owns destiny. No longer are ze drunken low-class men gawking at
her nakedness, ya?
JOE
(annoyed that Paul
is chiming in)
Ya - a much higher
class of drunken slobs are now gawking at her nakedness. SheÕs making her own
choices, being shrewd, living by her wits, acting street smart...
DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT. TROPICAL NUGGET CASINO - DAY
A yellow cab pulls up,
Raquel climbing out of the back seat. The DRIVER rolls down his window, calling
to her.
DRIVER
Hey you - twenty
bucks!
RAQUEL
IÕm no hooker!!!
Raquel punches him
through the window.
DRIVER
Ow! No, you moron.
You owe me twenty bucks for the cab ride!!!
RAQUEL
(digs in her purse)
Oh yeah... thanks!
She giggles and pays
him. Gathering herself she takes a
deep breath and walks inside.
CUT
TO:
INT. BACKSTAGE
The following is SHOT
EXACTLY LIKE THE BACKSTAGE SCENE AT THE STRIP CLUB: Strippers of all shapes and
sizes are rushing around. One particularly well-endowed woman, HEIDI, pulls off
her sweater to reveal a huge pair of breasts about to burst from their
wonderbra, and studies them in the mirror. The LINE CAPTAIN struts in with
Raquel, her new acquisition. Raquel is taken back by the heavy smell of perfume
and unhidden shame.
LINE CAPTAIN
Girls, I have some
new talent I want you to meet: Raquel...
SheÕll be starting today and promises to make the rest of you look like
the slut-puppies you are. Raquel?
These ladies are the Tropical NuggetÕs finest...
A veteran dancer,
ROXY, doesnÕt look, but speaks while applying her lipstick.
ROXY
Whoop-de-fucking-doo...
HEIDI
Stay away from my
chubs, green-ass.
The rest of the
showgirls giggle knowingly.
LINE CAPTAIN
(to Raquel)
YouÕll follow
Heidi up the stairs to the stage...
HEIDI
(laughs)
Good luck, flatsy!
Raquel looks around,
shaking her head.
RAQUEL
This is all so new
to me...
CUT
TO:
INT. SHOWROOM - STAGE
Raquel and the Line
Captain approach other dancers, who are warming up.
LINE CAPTAIN
Everyone - this is
Raquel. Watch a couple numbers, until you catch up.
The chorus line starts
going through their paces in rehearsal.
LINE CAPTAIN
... and six,
seven, eight ... And purr, meow, and turn, chow-chow-chow...
Mickey approaches
Raquel, sliding his arm around her.
MICKEY
Welcome to my
little show, Raquel.
RAQUEL
Mr. Cardillicchio!
The line captain is showing me the ropes.
Mickey grins, his hand
working its way down her back.
MICKEY
Make me proud and
IÕll show you some ropes, too - later up in my suite.
LINE CAPTAIN
Raquel! Get out
here and start your warm-ups!
Relieved, Raquel runs out
and begins warming up as CRYSTAL GOBLET walks in to watch the rehearsal. In her
early thirties, Crystal is still the Queen of Vegas... but her days are
numbered, and she knows it. She signs some autographs for adoring fans as the
handsome Millionaire approaches.
HANDSOME MILLIONAIRE
Will you sleep
with me for a million dollars?
CRYSTAL
Sure!
(digging through
purse)
I donÕt know if I
have that much on me. Will a check be okay?
She pulls a checkbook
out of her purse, ready to sign - until she locks eyes with Raquel. The dancers
take their places as the song ÒManiacÓ from the film ÒFlashdanceÓ begins to
play. Raquel starts to warm up.
We see a series of QUICK
CUTS:
INT. RAQUELÕS FEET
Rapidly running in
place to the music.
INT. RAQUELÕS LOWER TORSO
Grinding to the music,
it twists 360%.
INT. RAQUELÕS UPPER TORSO
Completely
disassociated, popping her gum; doing her nails.
INT. CRYSTAL
There is instant
chemistry: Nostrils flare; smoke wafts through her parted lips.
INT. RAQUELÕS UPPER TORSO
Finishes shaving her
armpits; Begins flossing her teeth.
INT. RAQUELÕS FEET
Moving faster; knees
higher; pounding the floor.
INT. RAQUELÕS LOWER TORSO
Spinning a hula hoop
on her hips.
INT. RAQUELÕS UPPER TORSO
Filling out a tax
form, writing ÒNOT A HOOKER!!!Ó under ÔOccupationÕ.
INT. CRYSTAL
Burning with desire -
her eyes glow red. Her southern accent even more pronounced, her breasts rise
upwards, standing erect. She turns to the Line Captain.
CRYSTAL
Tell the new
dancer that I want to see her in my dressing room after rehearsal.
LINE CAPTAIN
(checking
clipboard)
IÕm sorry—Mr.
Cardillicchio is scheduled to seduce and defile her in an abusive power
relationship after rehearsal. DidnÕt you check the work schedule? Here, I can
pencil you in for Thursday...
CRYSTAL
I run this show,
not Mickey - and I have a Òguaranteed defilement of new girlsÓ clause in my
contract! So just do it, or I walk.
She looks to the back
of the auditorium, where Mickey tries to break a pencil in anger. Unable to, he
hands it to a bodyguard, who breaks it for him and places the pieces back in
MickeyÕs hands, as if he did it.
CUT
TO
INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER
The room is a
madhouse. Girls prepare for the next show as monkeys run around everywhere.
RAQUEL
WhatÕs with the
monkeys - are they from the warm up show?
HEIDI
No. Some places
are infested with cockroaches or rats - we have monkeys. DonÕt mind them...
Raquel walks through
the dressing room, girls STICKING THEIR FEET UP on all the available chairs
until she finds the only empty seat at the end of the room. Sitting at the next
table is Susan, an intelligent-looking showgirl.
SUSAN
DonÕt worry about
them - theyÕre just jealous of anybody new who could cut into their earning
power.
RAQUEL
IÕm not trying to
take anyoneÕs job, this is just temporary.
SUSAN
Me too. IÕm
working my way through school.
RAQUEL
ThatÕs great! What are you studying?
SUSAN
(rather blasŽ)
IÕm developing a theoretical
propulsion system that will allow space travel to be advanced exponentially by
exploiting the common properties of celestial attraction.
RAQUEL
You should meet my
friend Dionne! SheÕs working on a new theory that will allow space
travel to be advanced exponentially by exploiting the common properties of time
dimensions.
SUSAN
That bitch! Everyone
knows that time dimensions and celestial attraction are
merely inverse variations of the same phenomenon. She ripped-off all of my
working theories to advance her own dancing career!
(grumbling)
... plus she stole
my chubs.
RAQUEL
IÕm sorry. This is
all so new to me. I come from a totally different world than this...
The Line Captain
enters - all smiles.
LINE CAPTAIN
Get ready ladies!
The next show is in ten minutes...
HEIDI
Could yaÕ turn off
the A/C already? ItÕs freezing out there.
LINE CAPTAIN
No way, girls - we
gotta keep those nipples hard. Remember the ÒPussycatsÓ credo:
DANCERS (in unison)
The bigger the
teats - the bigger the receipts...
LINE CAPTAIN
(laughing)
Aw - I love it! IÕm
gonna drop it down another ten or fifteen degrees. Besides - my new girl doesnÕt seem to complain.
(to Raquel)
Crystal Goblet
would like to see you in her dressing room...
The other girls wink
to each other knowingly.
CUT
TO:
INT. CRYSTALÕS DRESSING ROOM
Raquel steps inside to
find Crystal sitting in a chair, her back to us, being worked on by various
make-up people. They add a wig, eyelashes, implants, false teeth - even her
nose and ears. Crystal finally spins around and they lock eyes once again. We
see still ANOTHER series of QUICK CUTS:
INT. CRYSTALÕS MOUTH
Lips parting
invitingly.
INT. CRYSTALÕS COSTUME
Subtly caresses her
wonderbras, squeezing the eight cat breasts on her costume together
seductively.
INT. RAQUEL
makes a circle with
two fingers from one hand and ÒpokesÓ the hole back and forth with a finger on
her other hand.
INT. CRYSTAL
makes a ÒVÓ with her
middle and index finger, holding it just under her chin and flicking her tongue
through the gap.
INT. RAQUEL
performs ÒhereÕs the
church, hereÕs the steeple, open the doors, and see all the people.Ó
INT. MONKEYÕS MOUTH
parts itÕs lips
invitingly.
CUT
TO:
INT. CRYSTALÕS DRESSING ROOM
Crystal shoos the
monkey off.
CRYSTAL
Out!!! When are
they going to do something about these damn monkeys?!?
There is a signed
photo of RIP TAYLOR on her dressing table. Raquel loses it.
RAQUEL
ThatÕs Rip Taylor!
I love Rip Taylor!!!
CRYSTAL
Maybe IÕll
introduce you one day, darling...
RAQUEL
IÕd do anything to
meet Rip Taylor! I think heÕs so sexy...
CRYSTAL
Would you pick up
a spider?
RAQUEL
Yup.
CRYSTAL
Eat a booger?
RAQUEL
Yup.
CRYSTAL
Shop at Target?
RAQUEL
Yup.
CRYSTAL
Just what is it
you want, darling?
RAQUEL
I want Rip Taylor!
CRYSTAL
(shouting)
You canÕt handle
Rip Taylor! Rip Taylor has a dozen
girls like you for breakfast, then tosses them like so much confetti out of his
celebrated bucket full of comedy.
Raquel throws the
picture of Rip Taylor against the wall in a fit, the glass and frame
exploding. As it settles on the
ground, we can see that the impact has also BLOWN BACK RIPÕS TOUPEE in the photo. Crystal steps over,
comforting her.
CRYSTAL
Darling, I was
just like you once, a young dancer grinding it out every night, while some old
windbag with tits that looked like a couple of tennis balls in a pair of socks
got all the glory.
RAQUEL
Really? How did
you get your big break?
CRYSTAL
I was an
understudy in a Hollywood legend tribute. The lead got elephantiasis. A tragedy
really - though IÕd kill for breasts like hers...
RAQUEL
That was
unfortunate for her.... But lucky for you.
CRYSTAL
You do what you gotta
do. Life is a zero-sum game my little sweet butt. The cowards never go, the
weak die on the trail and the strongest survive...
(stops and faces
her, threateningly)
But donÕt get any funny
thoughts, darling...
We ZOOM IN on RaquelÕs
forehead and...
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - RAQUELÕS POV
On the TV Bob Sagget
is introducing one of AmericaÕs Funniest Home Videos.
BOB SAGGET (on TV)
Ò... Next we have
a series of tiny children falling head-first out of dangerous playground
sets...Ó
The unseen crowd
laughs hysterically at a three-year-old crashes, somehow avoiding a serious
head injury.
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. CRYSTALÕS DRESSING ROOM
Raquel is giggling out
of control, until she notices Crystal looking at her like sheÕs nuts.
CRYSTAL
Are you about
done, there? Have some brunch...
Crystal scoops some
caviar onto a cracker and offers it to her seductively as the MUSIC SWELLS....
CRYSTAL
YouÕre a very...
beautiful dancer... for a pretty girl with a great body and firm breasts... So,
darling, whereÕya from?
RAQUEL
Nowhere, really...
CRYSTAL
Oh - IÕm from the
midwest too!
They grab mangos,
squeezing them into pulp, licking the juices off each otherÕs hands.
RAQUEL
I canÕt believe we
have so much in common! YouÕre a very... beautiful... dancer too. But I can only dream of becoming so successful
in my dancing that one day I too can wear an animal costume.
CRYSTAL
WeÕre more alike
than you think, darlinÕ. I was
down and destitute once... I was so low I even had to strip for a while—just
until I could get back up on my back again.
She leans over a large
round globule of pink jello, sucking it up hungrily in one quivering hunk.
CRYSTAL (cont.)
I was so poor that
I actually ate dog food!
Raquel barks with
delight as she languidly drips an oyster into her mouth.
RAQUEL
Me too! My
favorite was Alpo!
CRYSTAL
I loved Alpo
— I loved them all - Purina, Kennelration, Gravy Train, Science Diet...
RAQUEL
... Kibbles &
Bits!
CRYSTAL
(deadly serious)
No - Bad! Bad
Kibbles & Bits! Sick...
swollen... canÕt breathe... must-get-head-through-door... mommy!
RAQUEL
Crystal - are you
okay? WhatÕs with Kibbles & Bits?
CRYSTAL
(recovering)
Oh, nothing, I just...
was a little allergic, I guess...
(happy again)
But I loved
drinking out of the toilet!
RAQUEL
Me too - except
when we only had an outhouse.
CRYSTAL
I loved toilet
water - for years people thought I was just wearing blue lipstick.
RAQUEL
Tell me something
Crystal... are you hitting on me?
Their eyes meet, they
lean in for a kiss, but... the Line Captain rushes inside.
LINE CAPTAIN
Raquel - there are
some people waiting to meet you out in the audience.
CUT
TO:
INT. SHOWROOM - STAGE
Raquel hurriedly
follows Crystal across the empty ÒpussycatsÓ stage. But Raquel stops, viewing
the elaborate and tacky junkyard setting for the first time as a dancer. She
looks it over proudly, spinning and twirling.
JOE (v.o.)
Rushing out onto
the stage, Raquel realizes she has finally made it. She thinks back over the
years of hard work that it took her to get here, flashing back to her third
grade ballet class...
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AUDITORIUM
Raquel as a child,
dressed as a ballerina, walks through a backstage door into a dressing room
filled with a dozen other little ballerinas, primping and dressing for a show.
She has a frightened look, as the ballet instructor notices her.
TEACHER
Girls, I have some
new talent I want you to meet: Raquel...
SheÕll be starting today and promises to make the rest of you look like
the slut-puppies you are. Raquel? These ladies are Franklin Elementary SchoolÕs
finest...
A cute little pixie,
CYNTHIA, doesnÕt look, but speaks while putting in her hair barrette.
CYNTHIA
Whoop-de-fucking-doo...
Another little dancer
walks by her, purposely bumping into her as she passes.
JULIE
Stay away from my
chubs, green-ass.
The rest of the little
girls giggle knowingly, as A TEAR FORMS in little RaquelÕs eye. A loud voice IS HEARD as we...
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. SHOWROOM - STAGE
A tear streams down
RaquelÕs cheek. The voice of the Dionne snaps her back into reality.
DIONNE
Raquel!
RAQUEL
(hiding her face)
IÕm busy!
DIONNE
Raquel - you have
some visitors...
Raquel turns to see
Dionne, Pamela, Wynotta and Eddie Velcro from the Bottomless Pit walking over
to her. Pamela wears a large shawl, covering her latest boob job.
RAQUEL
Oh my god... IÕm
so glad to see you guys! Hey Pamela - new boobs again?
PAMELA
Actually if have
to see the doctor again - my last job settled...
Pamela lifts the shawl
to reveal that her breasts now PROTRUDE FROM HER STOMACH instead of her chest.
RAQUEL
Nice form, though...
(to Dionne)
You skippinÕ
school just to see me?
DIONNE
I finally got the
guts to quit that lousy, go-nowhere P.H.D. You were my inspiration Raquel. IÕm
foregoing an academic career for the visceral, sordid life of a stripper.
RAQUEL
You go girl!
(to all of them)
Are you going to
stay for the show?
EDDIE
Yeah - why not?
RAQUEL
Thanks Eddie...
But if youÕre all here - whoÕs at the Bottomless Pit?
Realizing, the group
looks at each other, confused, as we...
CUT
TO:
INT. THE BOTTOMLESS PIT
Romero the bouncer is
on-stage topless, with his huge belly exposed. He hugs and grinds on one of the
brass poles, causing it to bend under the pressure. The crowd is dousing him
with beer and hooting.
DJ DOUG
HeÕs spry, heÕs shy,
and... ew... heÕs a guy... itÕs Romero!!!
(no response)
... Remember guys,
these ladies are working for tips only, so donÕt be shy with that green
stuff... this is too pathetic - IÕm going back to afternoon drive at the radio
station....
CUT
TO:
INT. TROPICAL NUGGET SHOWROOM - LATER
As the house lights
dim, the room hushes and a booming announcers voice and drum roll fills the
room with anticipation.
ANNOUNCER (o.s.)
And now, the
fabulous Tropical Nugget in beautiful Las Vegas presents the hottest show on
the strip - although it has no relation or financial responsibility to the
famous Broadway show ÒCatsÓ... Ladies and gentlemen: Please welcome; ÒPussycats!Ó
The curtain opens to
reveal a pitch black stage. As the beautiful opening song to a Broadway classic
begins, WE HEAR A VOICE, which interrupts.
EXEC #1 (v.o.)
Whoa, whoa, whoa -
wait a minute.
The FRAME FREEZES and
the MUSIC STOPS like a record being turned off.
EXEC #1 (v.o. - cont.)
We could never get
the rights to the music from ÒCats.Ó
EXEC #2
Yeah. WeÕd have to get something more... affordable...
The FILM STARTS
AGAIN, as the pitch black stage
flickers with a strobe light to a dramatic Las Vegas version of the theme from
ÒGilliganÕs Island.Ó
SINGERS
Just sit right back...
and youÕll hear a tale;
A tale of the feline
type;
And if youÕve read our
great reviews,
YouÕll find itÕs
mostly hype...
Lights follow several
pussycats running across the stage, jumping, clawing and interacting along with
the lyrics.
SINGERS (Cont.)
We love to tear up
furniture,
We stink when weÕre in
heat,
And if you drop us on
our backs,
WeÕll land on our
feet; WeÕll land on our feet.
Thunder and lightning
‡ la GilliganÕs Island theme kicks in.
SINGERS (Cont.)
Drag home a half
uneaten rat,
Get stuck up in a tree,
And when it comes to
cat food,
WeÕre finicky as
can be, weÕre finicky as can be,
The stage goes dark
again. Spotlights highlight the dancersÕ introductions.
SINGERS (Cont.)
There is a two-drink
minimum,
And plenty
chow-chow-chow;
With Scabbyshanks,
The Siamese Twins...
A neutered pet, and a
Stray;
The Parvo Queen...
Raquel runs out into
the spotlight, obviously excited.
SINGERS (Cont.)
... And the rest;
Are here in
ÔPussycatsÕ!!!
INT. BACKSTAGE
Raquel removes her
make-up at her dressing room table - now covered with flowers and cards from
admirers. Mickey steps up, proudly looking at his latest find.
MICKEY
Look at this
— after only one week and those eight breast enhancements, youÕre already
our most popular dancer...
RAQUEL
Mickey, I need a
new flea collar - this old one doesnÕt work anymore.
MICKEY
Try licking your
fur... or perhaps I could lick you...
Raquel SLAPS him
across the face.
RAQUEL
What do you take
me for? IÕm no hooker!!!
MICKEY
I wasnÕt calling you
a hooker. You misunderstood — IÕm not asking you to sleep with me for
money! IÕm asking you to sleep with me for the lead understudy job.
RAQUEL
Oh.... thatÕs
different!!!
CUT
TO:
INT. TROPICAL NUGGET PENTHOUSE - NIGHT
Mickey and Raquel step
off the elevator, which opens directly into the penthouse. Raquel is taken back
by the luxury and splendor. Mickey tips the operator,
the grated door closes and it goes back down.
RAQUEL
Mmmm, I just love
your pad...
They embrace for a
long, wet kiss. As they do, the elevator
slowly creeps back up, just high enough for the operator to peek at
them, the top of his head just above floor level. After a few beats, Mickey shoots the cable above the car, causing it to plummet to sure death.
Raquel continues kissing, not cognizant.
He leads her into a
large den with couches and a view of the strip. A roller coaster at the top of the tower casino derails,
plunging all the passengers to certain death. She sits as he brings some
champagne and glasses.
MICKEY
Say, do you have
any Italian in you?
RAQUEL
No.
He raises a glass to
her.
MICKEY
The night is
young...
RAQUEL
Mickey - my whole
life, IÕve dreamed of a night like this - with a man like you. An exotic
setting, surrounded by opulence, culminating in a romantic evening of sensuous
love-making...
MICKEY
I just have one
request...
RAQUEL
What?
MICKEY
Bend over, grab
your ankles and make the sound of an oven door slamming...
RAQUEL
You know, being
the understudy is nothing if Crystal sticks around forever.
MICKEY
Yeah? Well forget
it, Crystal will never give up her spot...
RAQUEL
IÕll get her
spot... No matter what I have to do.
MICKEY
Maybe it would
help if you let me get to your spot, if you know what I mean...
RAQUEL
(confused)
No - I donÕt. Was
that meant to be some sort of double-entendre?
MICKEY
Hell if I know.
But donÕt worry - Joe can fix it in the re-writes...
Mickey steps up behind
Raquel and caresses her body: one hand massages her neck, another kneads her
stomach - still ANOTHER one reaches over her shoulder and down her top. But
Raquel suddenly pulls away.
RAQUEL
Wait... this is
too fast...
MICKEY
Aw, come on baby.
WhatÕs wrong? Too fast?
RAQUEL
Too slow. The
storyÕs losing momentum. Our producerÕs mind is distracted. Look at him—heÕs
got one of those fake smiles plastered on his face like a character in a ÒSpeed
RacerÓ cartoon...
CUT
TO:
INT. EXECUTIVEÕS OFFICE
Exec #1 snaps back to
attention, a fake smile growing even more obvious.
EXEC #1
No, itÕs great!
How big are her boobs, again?
CUT
TO:
INT. DESIGNER WAREHOUSE LOFT
Raquel is off Mickey,
looking at the CAMERA.
RAQUEL
And his male
secretary has stopped doodling boobs on his note page and is scratching his
nose like he wants to sneak a quick pick...
CUT
TO:
INT. EXECUTIVEÕS OFFICE
Exec #2 quickly pulls
his finger away from his nose.
EXEC #2
Yeah - I mean hey!
ItÕs just an itch... And IÕm not a male secretary — IÕm an executive
assistant!!!
Joe shrugs,
unconcerned.
JOE
I havenÕt
completely worked out this section yet. Why donÕt we skip ahead a little, to
the Tropical Nugget. ItÕs the next day, and Crystal is preparing for her next
show...
CUT
TO:
INT. TROPICAL NUGGET - DAY
Crystal cruises
through the backstage area, watching as Wankowski sets a huge mouse trap - placing a banana on the catch for bait. The
Delivery Boy, carrying a massive load of roses, enters the room. She grabs the
roses, assuming theyÕre for her.
CRYSTAL
Thank- you,
darlin; IÕll take those - theyÕre for me, IÕm the star. Probably some rich
admirer...
DELIVERY BOY
Wait - are you...
(reading from list)
Raquel?
CRYSTAL
(mad)
... No... Over
there.
The delivery boy sets
them down on RaquelÕs dresser. He sticks his hand out for a tip.
DELIVERY BOY
Thank-you.
After a beat, where he
looks around and sweats a little, Crystal takes her gum out and sticks it in
his open hand. He turns and sulks away.
After sneering at the roses for a moment, she casually grabs the note
off them and reads: ÒTo the beautiful and sexy new understudy - thanks for the
cat bath; Mickey.Ó
CUT
TO:
EXT. VEGAS STRIP - DAY
Vincent wanders down the strip, desperately
trying to get drunk on a watered-down martini and daydreaming about his love
for Raquel.
VINCENT
Raquel...
Raquel...
He grabs a PEDESTRIAN
by the collar.
VINCENT (cont.)
I remember it like
it was yesterday...
PEDESTRIAN
(fights him off)
It was
yesterday you idiot. Find some other loser for your endless flashbacks, you
drunk!
Vincent stumbles on as
SUPERIMPOSED neon signs glide past him, reading ÒCocktailsÓ; ÒLess Watered-Down
CocktailsÓ; ÒLast Watered-Down Cocktail For Ten MilesÓ; ÒNot Really - More
Cocktails.Ó He crosses the street - not seeing an oncoming cab.
INT. TAXI CAB
Raquel sits in the
back, her flowers crushed by a huge dog sitting on top of her with its head out
the window.
CAB DRIVER
Sorry about my dog
- heÕs been car sick, so I didnÕt want him in the front seat.
Suddenly Raquel sees
Vincent walking in front of the moving cab.
RAQUEL
(screams)
Watch out!
EXT. TAXI CAB
Raquel screams,
jumping out and sees the prone, but not badly hurt Vincent, laying on the hood
with a confused look on his face.
RAQUEL
Vincent - are you
okay?
VINCENT
(almost happy)
I donÕt know - I
canÕt feel a thing...
RAQUEL
(shaking him in
panic)
Oh my god! Vincent
- do you know what that means?
VINCENT
(realizing)
Yeah - after six
years, I think I may actually be tipsy...
They both look at each
other blissfully. The cabdriver sticks his head out the window like nothing
unusual has happened.
CAB DRIVER
You want me to
leave the meter running?
CUT
TO:
INT. CAB
Vincent and Raquel now
both ride in the back seat with the dog. He is just able to take a swig from a
liquor bottle as Raquel looks on, concerned.
RAQUEL
What happened to
you, Vincent? You look awful.
Vincent stiffens,
uncomfortable with the subject.
VINCENT
Raquel, Raquel - I
thought weÕd agreed that you would never, ever ask me why I look so awful!
RAQUEL
No, I donÕt
remember saying that.
VINCENT
(oops)
Oh. Well, letÕs
see... where did I leave off last time...? You should have seen me in the old
days. At that time, Vegas was a place where millions of suckers flew in every
year and left behind about a billion dollars...
RAQUEL
Yeah, yeah you
told me that already. Skip ahead...
Raquel and the Cab
Driver groan, the dog beginning to heave as we...
DISSOLVE
TO:
VARIOUS SHOTS - VINCENTÕS STORY
As if run through an
editorÕs machine, we get quick glimpses of Vegas at night, the desert, the
Casino, Vincent and Mickey, Two Breasts, the Barney craps table, and the
penthouse.
VINCENT (v.o.)
LetÕs see, I told
you about Vegas in the old days, meeting Mickey, how Vegas has changed...
CUT
TO:
INT. TROPICAL NUGGET PENTHOUSE - NIGHT
Mickey and Two Breasts
kissing again as the DOORBELL rings. Two Breasts once more hides as Mickey
answers the door. Vincent steps in - noticing two puncture marks on the chest
of MickeyÕs sport coat.
VINCENT (v.o.)
Oh yeah - my best
girl and my best friend. I never saw it coming...
Vincent pulls his gun
on Mickey and notices Two BreastsÕ brassiere poking through the closed doors of
the armoire. When he opens the doors she looks back at him, distraught with
shame, as Mickey GRABS for VincentÕs gun. They fight for control of the weapon
as Two Breasts tries to AVOID THE GUN. Unfortunately, wherever Two Breasts
moves the barrel seems to FOLLOW her. She finally ducks as it passes by, but it
WHIPS BACK, striking her as she stands back up - SENDING HER BACK THROUGH THE
PICTURE WINDOW!
VINCENT
No!!!
He and Mickey run over
to see...
EXT. PENTHOUSE
With a burst of
ÒGodfatherÓ- like orchestral music, Two Breasts bursts through the window in
SLOW MOTION, glass flying everywhere.
CUT
TO:
EXT. TROPICAL NUGGET - VALET PARKING
A TOURIST steps out of
his Cadillac, handing his keys to a Valet, along with a nice tip - but the
Valet is looking up to see...
EXT. TROPICAL NUGGET - VALETÕS P.O.V.
Two Breasts still
falling high above in SLO-MOTION - falling directly down on them...
CUT
TO:
EXT. TROPICAL NUGGET - VALET PARKING
Two Breasts LANDS on
the Tourists car, blowing out the windows and crushing the top. The Tourist and
Valet exchange looks. The tourist looks inside the cab, to see two large pointy
breasts piercing the roof. He turns back to the valet.
TOURIST
I want my tip
back.
The Valet just stares
at him as we..
CUT
TO:
EXT. PENTHOUSE
Vincent looks down on
her through the open window, a tear running down his cheek.
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. CAB
Still in the speeding
cab, Vincent finishes his story with that same face, a tear once again rolling
down his cheek. The dog is asleep,
and Raquel sleeps beside him - head back, snoring
softly. In front of her the Cabby is in the same position. Vincent
speaks up, waking them both with a start.
VINCENT
That was it - I
quit the business, and Mickey took over for me at the Tropical Nugget.
Meanwhile I grabbed a drink, and IÕve been guzzling it ever since...
RAQUEL
How awful. I
promise IÕll never hurt you that way, Vincent...
VINCENT
DonÕt worry about
it - I mean what could you possibly do - outside of sleeping with Mickey...
RAQUEL
(oops!)
Enough talking
about the past - letÕs have some fun! You wanna get something to eat?
VINCENT
IÕd love to - what
are you in the mood for?
RAQUEL
Actually, I have a
craving for something...
ÒViva Las VegasÓ
begins to play as we...
CUT
TO:
EXT. PARK - DAY
Vincent and Raquel sit
on a park bench with a big bag of dry dog food. Raquel laughs as she snacks on
the Puppy Chow. Vincent picks up a stick,
and tosses it out onto the grass. She runs out of frame excitedly, then after a
moment, returns with the stick in her
mouth. He tries to get it back, but she wonÕt drop it and he has to grab
the end and wrestle her, until she lets go.
CUT
TO:
EXT. SWIMMING POOL
A typical Vegas pool -
glass windows on the sides allow us to see in. Vincent dives into the water in
cut-off shorts, drinking from a bottle
of liquor as he hops into the water. Raquel follows him under, and they
kiss - never noticing the dead bodies in
cement blocks under there with them.
CUT
TO:
EXT. DINNER THEATER - DAY
Vincent and Raquel run
out of the exit, hand-in-hand. The Play on the marquee reads ÒGallagher in
ÔDeath of a SalesmanÕ.Ó
CUT
TO:
EXT. INDOOR SHOPPING MALL - DRESS SHOP
WINDOW
Vincent and Raquel
pass the dress shop. Raquel stops, pointing out some expensive Versace dresses
in the window. Sighing, Vincent follows her inside.
CUT
TO:
EXT. INDOOR SHOPPING MALL - LIQUOR
STORE WINDOW
Vincent and Raquel
pass the elegant liquor store. Vincent stops, pointing out some expensive
alcoholic beverages in the window. Sighing, Raquel follows him inside.
CUT
TO:
EXT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY
Vincent and Raquel run
toward the ticket booth, but read ÒClosed For RepairsÓ on the marquee and turn
back around, disappointed.
CUT
TO:
INT. FIRING RANGE - DAY
A sign reads ÒMafia
Firing Range - Only Fair-To-Goodfellas - No Beginners.Ó Vincent hands Raquel a
pistol, pointing to a ÒSideways Shooting
OnlyÓ sign. She takes the
gun back, carefully turning it sideways like a John Woo film, and rips off
several rounds. Vincent reels in the target... to reveal a SLUMPING HUMAN
TARGET hanging on the line. Raquel jumps up and down excitedly as Vincent looks
at the body, impressed.
CUT
TO:
INT. CASINO - DAY
Raquel and Vincent
gamble at the blackjack tables. A COCKTAIL WAITRESS brings them each a drink.
Vincent inspects his glass - a coconut shell with umbrellas, pineapple slices,
and a curly-cue straw.
VINCENT
Waitress... is
this the drink I ordered?
COCKTAIL WAITRESS
(checking her
notes)
LetÕs see... Cool
Coconut Cocktail with pineapple slices, umbrellas, and a curly-cue straw for
the tall Nicholas Cage type drinking himself to death... yup - thatÕs it.
Vincent drunkenly
KNOCKS HER TRAY AWAY.
VINCENT
I said no
curly-cue straw! You think I want to look like a tourist!?!
He UPENDS the
Blackjack table as Security Men THROW HIM TO THE GROUND.
CUT
TO:
INT. TAXI CAB
Vincent and the dog
now both have their heads out the window, as Raquel tries to breathe through a
crack in the opposite one.
JOE (v.o.)
But Raquel has
other problems to deal with...
CUT
TO:
INT. TROPICAL NUGGET SHOWROOM
The ÒPussycatsÓ show
is in full bombast. The dancers are reenacting their Purina Cat Chow ÒChow Chow
ChowÓ set piece. Raquel PUSHES Crystal down a flight of stairs on-stage.
JOE (v.o. - cont.)
... like Crystal.
WIPE
TO:
INT. STAGE
Crystal limps around
on-stage. Raquel sneaks up behind her, FIXING A PAPER BAG around her head with
a rubber band. Crystal is disoriented, unable to see - backing up into the wall
like a cat.
WIPE
TO:
INT. CRYSTALÕS DRESSING ROOM
Crystal stands as the
costumer works on her, making alterations in her cat suit. Raquel quietly pokes
her head through the door, then lets in a pack of wild dogs. Frothing and
growling, they SPRING at Crystal.
WIPE
TO:
INT. STAGE
A dancer bounds
on-stage in a Tweety Bird outfit, the Pussycats chasing it down and plucking it
- large yellow feathers flying everywhere. Meanwhile Raquel LIGHTS A LARGE
FIRECRACKER underneath CrystalÕs tail, and it EXPLODES.
WIPE
TO:
INT. BACKSTAGE
Raquel takes some
money from a man in a white suit as Crystal limps off stage following a
performance. A POLE slips a WIRE LOOP around CrystalÕs neck, and tightens. Two
men in the white outfits, the logo for ÒFloydÕs: Animal Suppliers for
Scientific ExperimentsÓ on their backs, try to drag her away.
JOE (v.o.)
But it seems that
no matter what she tries, Crystal survives. Then one day, Raquel gets an
idea...
WIPE
TO:
INT. CRYSTALÕS DRESSING ROOM
Raquel sneaks into the
empty room, poring a box of KibblesÕNÕBits into CrystalÕs food tray. She sneaks
out as a battered Crystal hobbles inside.
CUT
TO:
INT. TROPICAL NUGGET - BACKSTAGE
The Pussycats are all
rushing to get ready for the next act. They line up on the stairs that lead to
the stage. Crystal is noticeably missing.
LINE CAPTAIN
LetÕs go letÕs go
- everybody ready?
DANCER
WhereÕs Crystal?
They all look around.
LINE CAPTAIN
Crystal? Crystal!
The Line Captain runs
in a panic over to CrystalÕs dressing room and knocks on the door.
LINE CAPTAIN
Crystal? The third
act is about to start. Crystal?
Are you in there?
She opens the door
tentatively.
CUT
TO:
INT. CRYSTALÕS DRESSING ROOM
Crystal sits slumped
over her chair as the Line Captain comes in.
LINE CAPTAIN
Crystal - weÕre
ready for you...
CRYSTAL
(sobbing)
I canÕt go on...
LINE CAPTAIN
Of course you can
- youÕre the star Crystal... You must - itÕs the last act.
CRYSTAL
(shouting)
I canÕt!
LINE CAPTAIN
But Crystal..
dear... why not?
CRYSTAL
This is
why! I had an allergic reaction to something on my food tray!
Crystal sits up - her
HEAD THE SIZE OF A WATERMELON.
CUT
TO:
INT. BACKSTAGE
CrystalÕs door
shutting behind her, the Line Captain runs to the group of awaiting dancers.
HEIDI
What is it?
LINE CAPTAIN
(aghast)
Crystal has a
swollen head.
ALLYSA
Du-uh...
LINE CAPTAIN
No - she really
has a swollen head.
The dancers react in
disbelief, except Raquel - whoÕs eyes light up.
MICKEY
Well, it looks
like we need a new star... gosh, who should I select...?
RAQUEL
(stepping forward)
Well, I never
imagined....
Raquel walks out, already wearing CrystalÕs costume. A
million-dollar smile, complete with twinkling of the teeth and eyes wipes over
her face, as we...
CUT
TO:
INT. DRESSING ROOM - ENTRANCE
Vincent wanders
through the backstage area, drink in hand.
VINCENT
Raquel?
Finishing his drink,
Vincent passes a group of vending
machines. PASSING Coke and Pepsi, he stops at J&B Scotch - pressing a button and waiting as a mixed
drink emerges. The Line Captain
passes by, Vincent tapping her shoulder.
VINCENT
Do you know if
Raquel is working tonight?
LINE CAPTAIN
Working? Oh, yeah
- sheÕll be working... the boss!
She nods over to
Raquel, who has come backstage and is admiring the flowers on her dressing
table. Before Vincent can say
anything, Mickey sneaks up behind Raquel, putting his hands over her eyes. She
smiles and spins, throwing her arms around him. They smooch a little.
LINE CAPTAIN
Looks like sheÕs gonna
be putting in a little O-T ...
(deviously)
That stands for
ÒOn TopÓ...
Vincent looks back at
her stunned.
VINCENT
Betrayed!
(fighting back
tears)
As long as I live,
IÕll never forget this moment...
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. DRESSING ROOM - ENTRANCE
Two seconds earlier,
Vincent fighting back the tears.
VINCENT
As long as I live,
IÕll never forget this moment...
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. DRESSING ROOM - ENTRANCE
Vincent snaps back
into reality, wiping a tear from his eye and staggering out as we...
CUT
TO:
EXT. VEGAS STRIP
Wankowski finishes
plastering RaquelÕs face over
CrystalÕs on the Tropical Nugget
billboard, then crosses out CrystalÕs name with a paint brush, scrawling
ÒRAQUELÓ over it.
JOE (v.o.)
So Raquel hits the
jackpot and her face adorns billboards everywhere! She has achieved the kind of
super semi-stardom she has always yearned for. But her new found happiness is
short lived.
CUT
TO:
INT. PENTHOUSE ELEVATOR - NIGHT
Raquel rides up into
the penthouse, calling out through the gate.
RAQUEL
Mickey - Mickey!
After a moment, Mickey
opens the elevator gate, but only partially.
MICKEY
Oh... uh, hi
Raquel...
RAQUEL
Mickey - Mickey I
did it!
MICKEY
Yeah... uh, thatÕs
great... Did what?
RAQUEL
I got the lead in
Pussycats!
A MANÕS VOICE is heard
from inside the bedroom.
MANÕS VOICE (o.s.)
Mickey?
Raquel suddenly
realizes what is going on. She pushes by him and into the bedroom.
CUT
TO:
INT. BEDROOM
Raquel walks in and sees
the handsome millionaire in MickeyÕs bed, through the cracked bedroom door.
HANDSOME MILLIONAIRE
Mickey - where are
you? You got about $700,000 bucks to go yet, the way I figure it...
She retreats to the
door, but Mickey stops her.
MICKEY
Wait - hey, itÕs not
what you think....
RAQUEL
You gonna stand
here and tell me you didnÕt sleep with him so you could get a million dollars
to further finance your show and promote me into a superstar - even though the
prospect of prostituting yourself goes well beyond your principals and
integrity?
MICKEY
(a beat)
Turns out itÕs exactly
what you think...
RAQUEL
You and I are through
Mickey! I made it to the top on my
own - using my talents as a dancer - and I didnÕt have to debase myself with anyone...
(she thinks for a
beat)
... except you...
(another beat)
... and the
producer...
Mickey looks up at
her, confused.
RAQUEL (cont.)
... and the floor
manager, and the doorman...
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. ELEVATOR - LATER
A few hours later.
Mickey pushes Raquel out of the door.
RAQUEL (cont.)
... and the head
accountant, his brother, the pit boss, two bus boys...
Mickey presses ÒLobbyÓ
and shuts the gate, Raquel continuing as she goes down.
RAQUEL (cont.)
... the valet, you
know that security guard by the sports book - him, the stage hand...
CUT
TO:
EXT. CHEAP HOTEL - DAY
The sign in front of
the hotel reads ÒWelcome Shriners, Elks, Consumer Electronics and Mafia Hitmen.Ó
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY
Vincent sits in a
seedy hotel room, a tiny tear forming in his eye. We PULL BACK to find him
drinking and reading ÒThe Bridges of Madison County.Ó There is a knock on the door and he instinctively whirls
around with lightning speed and unloads
several rounds of gunfire through the door. Old habits die hard. When the smoke clears we see the
corpses of a maid and room service
waiter.
VINCENT
(remembering)
God Damn - I gotta
stop that...
Two Mafia hitmen step
over the bodies nonchalantly and enter. They wear black sunglasses, black suits
and sport little white name tags
that read ÒHello My Name Is Louie ÔTwo HandsÕ GatoÓ and the other: ÒHarvey ÔOne
HeadÕ MollinoÓ.
LOUIE
Yo Vinny.
HARVEY
(re: the bodies)
Hey Vincent -
donÕt shoot! ItÕs us - ÒOne HeadÓ and ÒTwo Hands!Ó Hey, I thought you gave up
the business?
VINCENT
Hey guys - yeah, I
did. Fortunately those were innocent victims...
HARVEY
Hey - weÕre going
over to the hitman convention - wanna come along?
VINCENT
I donÕt think so
guys...
LOUIE
WeÕre going to a
seminar: ÒExtortion in the nineties.Ó Followed by a light lunch and a
shake-down refresher course.
VINCENT
Sounds like fun,
but I just canÕt make it... IÕm brooding.
HARVEY
Is it about... Two
Breasts?
Vincent winces at the
mention of the name and faces call out to him, echoing as they swirl around his
head.
TWO BREASTSÕ HEAD
(echoing)
You made me kill
myself... self... self...
RAQUELÕS HEAD
I promise IÕll
never hurt you that way, Vincent... Vincent... Vincent...
EXEC #1ÕS HEAD
Could we hurry
this up? IÕve got another meeting at three... three... three...
Vincent snaps out of
his trance, turning back to Harvey.
VINCENT
ItÕs not that -
somebody has helped me conquer those demons - but sheÕs in love with somebody
else. IÕll never forget how I found out...
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. DRESSING ROOM - ENTRANCE
The Line Captain
JUGGLES THREE TORCHES as VARIOUS CELEBRITIES walk past.
LINE CAPTAIN
Looks like sheÕs gonna
be putting in a little O-T ...
(deviously)
That stands for
ÒOn TopÓ...
Vincent looks back at
her stunned, wearing an astronaut suit.
VINCENT
Betrayed!
(fighting back
tears)
As long as I live,
IÕll never forget this moment...
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY
Vincent snaps back
into reality as Harvey tries to console him.
HARVEY
You want we should
bust his head open? I went in for a new persuader yesterday.
Harvey pulls out a
club, embossed with the words; ÒI 
LAS VEGASÓ
VINCENT
Thanks guys,
really, but no, IÕm gonna win this broad over the time-honored, old fashioned
way... IÕm gonna get wasted and beg.
The ÒRockyÓ theme
begins as we...
CUT
TO:
INT. CASINO
Two rows of old ladies
play the nickel slots, back-to-back.
Walking quickly between them, Vincent alternately swipes their drinks off the machines,
downing them before they can notice, then running off to...
CUT
TO:
INT. MENÕS BATHROOM
Vincent hurries to the
attendant, grabbing his jar of blue
disinfectant holding all the combs, brushes and scissors. He takes all
the instruments out, tosses them aside and chugs the blue liquid.
CUT
TO:
EXT. K-MART - NIGHT
Vincent runs up to the
front entrance, passing several bums. He grabs a brown bagged bottle from each
one - until trying to drink from the cup of the last one and spitting out a lot
of change.
INT. K-MART - NIGHT
Vincent wanders
through the aisles of K Mart, desperately drinking anything he can - rubbing
alcohol, paint thinner, Miracle Grow. He grabs a Mennen ÒSpeed StickÓ and reads the ingredients on back.
Seeing that it Òcontains alcohol,Ó
he takes the cap off, twists the knob on the bottom until most of the solid
deodorant is out, breaks it off, pops it in his mouth and starts chewing as
we...
CUT
TO:
INT. CRYSTALÕS DRESSING ROOM
Now itÕs RaquelÕs
dressing room. A disappointed
Raquel sits in her chair as the make-up girl adds the finishing touches to her
cat make-up, her assistant emerging from behind the chair with a full pooper
scooper and moving off.
RAQUEL
... the tenor sax,
the set designer, the gafferÕs dad, and that is it! Hah!
Mickey steps in,
motioning for the make-up people to leave.
MICKEY
Raquel - there
have been some changes in the show...
Raquel pops a piece of
cat chow from the hors dÕoeuvre dish into her mouth.
RAQUEL
ItÕs an honor to
star in this show, sir - even though it has no relation or financial
responsibility to the famous Broadway show ÒCats.Ó
MICKEY
Forget it - weÕre
not doing that show anymore.
RAQUEL
Why...?
MICKEY
(sheepishly)
Somebody from
ÒCatsÓ saw it and theyÕre threatening legal action. WeÕve had to change the
show.
RAQUEL
It doesnÕt matter,
Mickey - the important thing is that IÕve finally clawed my way out of cold,
sleazy clubs that only cared about the size of my breasts to finally reach
this, the pinnacle of the American semi-nude stage. IÕve made it.
MICKEY
Great. HereÕs the
new show...
He shows her a new
poster: ÒRaquel in BOOBS ON ICE!Ó
RAQUEL
Ice skating?!? But
I canÕt skate...
MICKEY
The dance sequences are
inspired by the works of Moses Pendleton, Laurie Anderson, Twyla Tharp... although
there are some bad parts are inspired by Marlon Brando in ÒGuys and Dolls.Ó Trust
me - youÕll be fabulous...
(grins knowingly)
... Plus the cold
temperature will keep your nipples hard, and you know what they say--
RAQUEL
-- I know what
they say. But IÕve come too far for this. IÕve overcome too much to--
MICKEY
-- Do it, or
youÕre fired.
RAQUEL
Okay!
Mickey leaves.
Terrified, Raquel pulls out VincentÕs business card (VINCENT BONFIGLIONO:
Gangster & hopeless drunk -- ÒNever ask me to stop drinkingÓ) and runs to a
pay phone. She calls, but heÕs not
in. Raquel anxiously listens to
the ring as we...
CUT
TO:
EXT. MOBIL GAS STATION - NIGHT
Under the
Òfull-serviceÓ sign, Vincent guzzles
hi-test ÔgasoholÕ straight out of the nozzle, the ÒRockyÓ theme still
playing.
CUT
TO:
INT. TROPICAL NUGGET SHOWROOM
A sparsely attended
showroom with a few drunks, two couples eating and a table of Vietnamese
tourists, picking unhappily at their food. The opening act, a COMEDIAN, pops through the curtain with
no introduction. A belated rim-shot starts him off.
COMEDIAN
Evening folks! I
started out at the craps table, then I went to the blackjack table, and I ended
up at the buffet table. Good news! I broke the buffet!!! First I ordered a
number one and the waiter peed on me. I was afraid to order a number two!!!
The audience push
their meals away in unison. They are stone-faced.
COMEDIAN
TheyÕre opening a
new casino called New York New York with a New York theme. You have the choice of craps, roulette,
slot machines, or you can threaten Bernie Goetz with a screw driver and win $43
million. Thanks - IÕll be here Ôtill Sunday - try the veal...
It is silent except
for one of the Vietnamese tourist repeating the name ÒBernie GoetzÓ in broken
English.
COMEDIAN
MaÕam - you having
a good time - yeah? Tell your face!
He pauses for a
reaction: nothing.
COMEDIAN
Sir - Helen Keller
called - the check bounced...
Another belated rim
shot as he waits for it.
COMEDIAN
All right - what a
great crowd - what do you say - letÕs have a big Las Vegas welcome for the
lovely Raquel in... ÒBoobs On Ice!Ó
Suddenly a huge group
of disguised politicians jump onstage,
cracking the Comedian over the head with wine bottles. The crowd applauds
wildly as they bow and drag him offstage, the curtains opening to reveal...
CUT
TO:
INT. STAGE
Organ music that they
used to play at the roller rink bellows out, as a dozen or so skaters dressed
like German schoolgirls with push-up under-wire bras, gracefully glide around
the ice on-stage, singing and forming a row in front. They skid to a halt - shards of ice shooting out at the
crowd, their screams of pain drowned out by the music: the song is sung to the
tune of ÒEdelweissÓ from The Sound Of Music...
SKATERS
Boobs on ice;
Boobs on ice,
Feast your eyes on
paradise...
A giant spotlight
highlighting her, Raquel skates out into the middle of the ice in pasties - but
obviously doesnÕt know how to stop. She glides slowly out on-stage, ankles
wobbling...
ANNOUNCER (o.s.)
And now the star
of the show...
The geriatric audience
members look up momentarily from their meals, applauding politely. Raquel keeps
sliding...
ANNOUNCER (o.s. - cont.)
... the beautiful
Raquel !!!
The aged crowd is
still applauding, but getting nervous... Raquel waves her arms, trying to get
the audience to jump out of the way. She slips off the stage and across the
laps of the octogenarian crowd - who cry in pain as Raquel CLOMPS across their
laps. Raquel continues out - SLIDING THROUGH THE ENTRY WAY and OUT INTO THE
CASINO, screams and crashes accompanying her as she slips out of sight.
CUT
TO:
INT. SIDE ENTRANCE
We hear CARS CRASHING
outside as the door BURSTS OPEN, Raquel clomping back inside on her skates.
With some difficulty, she climbs back up on-stage. The chorus line skates by,
the last one in full hockey gear. Raquel hip-checks him off the ice.
ANNOUNCER (o.s. - cont.)
Ladies and
Gentlemen — the beautiful Raquel !!!
The crowd is getting
ugly, throwing stuff on-stage: Fruit, chairs, walkers. Raquel ducks them all,
realizing what she must do...
INT. STAGE - RAQUEL (REAR VIEW)
She RIPS HER TOP OPEN!
The crowd GASPS and goes silent.
CUT
TO:
INT. PATRONS
All stop, open-mouthed
and awe-struck.
OLD MAN
Amazing!
OLD WOMAN
She symbolizes all
of the ennobling qualities of the female gender: heart, courage, ambition—sheÕs
the perfect metaphor for independence, self-reliance and economic empowerment—
OLD MAN #2
Good veal tonight.
We PAN over to Raquel,
who can only grin. The audience applauds wildly, including two showgirls in the
penalty box. Someone throws an
octopus onto the stage as a Zamboni rumbles out to clean the ice - the driver
topless, wearing pasties. Gary
GlitterÕs ÒHistory of Rock & Roll, Part IIÓ is playing.
CUT
TO:
INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER
A huge backstage party
for the show opening is in progress. Raquel works her way through the crowd,
people grimacing in pain as she steps on their feet, as she still has her
skates on. Mickey greets her, presenting her with flowers.
MICKEY
LetÕs hear it for
Raquel - the ice queen!!!
Raquel curtsies as
everyone applauds, Mickey rewarding her by pulling a small fish out of his
pocket and tossing it into her mouth.
MICKEY
Congratulations,
kid - you finally made it... Just remember how you got here -- thereÕs always
some understudy waiting in the wings...
He motions over to
TONYA HARDING, dressed in her Olympic skating outfit, PATTING an IRON BAR as
she stares at Raquel jealously. Mickey quickly spirits Raquel away.
MICKEY (Cont.)
... Now IÕve got a
surprise - I want you to meet someone very special...
Rip Taylor himself
steps up, fighting off a monkey as it leaps on him.
RIP TAYLOR
Damn monkeys!!!
Your casino is infested with these things, too?
Raquel notices and
jumps up.
RAQUEL
Rip Taylor! Oh I
love you!
Raquel throws her arms
around Rip and squeezes against him. He looks at THE CAMERA and holds out a large cardboard mackerel with a
hole in it, and mouths the words;
ÒHoly Mackerel,Ó as she continues to hug him. After a beat, she lets
loose, steps back and they drink each other in.
RIP TAYLOR
Perhaps Raquel
here would be interested in attending a little get together IÕm throwing in my
luxury suite later?
She screams, breaking
glass all around her.
RAQUEL
Would I? Would I?
RIP TAYLOR
(pointing)
Fake boobs! Fake
boobs!
CUT
TO:
INT. PENTHOUSE - ENTRANCE
Two huge BODYGUARDS -
both wearing the polyester suits, Hawaiian shirts, handlebar mustaches, and
blonde wigs like Rip Taylor - stand out front as Rip and Raquel approach them.
BODYGUARD #1
Evening, Mr.
Taylor.
RIP TAYLOR
Back off,
flunky...
He backs away from
Rip, intimidated.
CUT
TO:
INT. PENTHOUSE
Raquel enters, and is
greeted by Rip Taylor.
RIP TAYLOR
Hello, dear - glad
you could make it... and so are my friends!!!
As Rip closes the
door, His two guards grab Raquel.
RAQUEL
Ouch! The show
wasnÕt that bad, was it? IÕll learn to skate...
Three more men
(CARROT-TOP, GALLAGHER and GARY MULEDEER) come out from behind the door and
approach her. She shudders in recognition.
RAQUEL
Prop comics!
CUT
TO:
EXT. TROPICAL NUGGET - BACKSTAGE
ENTRANCE
Vincent stumbles
toward the entrance, looking up to see...
CUT
TO:
EXT. PENTHOUSE - VINCENTÕS P.O.V.
Raquel pounds against
the window, screaming.
CUT
TO:
EXT. TROPICAL NUGGET - BACKSTAGE
ENTRANCE
Vincent RAMS the door
twice - then reads a sign on the door reading ÒRam Three Times Before Breaking Door Down.Ó Backing up, he
RAMS the door a third time and forces his way inside...
INT. BACKSTAGE
Vincent bursts through
the back door and into the backstage party, to find Mickey surrounded by
beautiful dancers.
VINCENT
Somebody call the
cops - RaquelÕs in trouble!
MICKEY
Call the cops -
here? You are a deluded lush, Ten Fingers. Besides, Raquel doesnÕt want
you. SheÕs fulfilling her dream to meet Rip Taylor!
VINCENT
I just saw her -
she was screaming out the Penthouse window!
MICKEY
Oh man - I told
Rip not to take his hairpiece off. Well, itÕs none of your business, anyway. I
guess you werenÕt enough of a man for her... or Two Breasts...
Vincent punches him,
sending him sprawling, and pulls a gun. He levels the pistol at MickeyÕs
forehead - remembering to hold the gun sideways, but hesitates.
VINCENT
You arenÕt worth a
bullet, Cardillicchio! You can take your lousy casino, your mob ties and your
little penis and stick it up your ass.
Vincent hurries off
and leaves an embarrassed Mickey, who now stands deserted and alone - the party
girls all gone.
MICKEY
... Well it may be
little, but it satisfies me. Besides, itÕs quality, not quantity... and
quality isnÕt that important either!
(gives in, watching
them go)
... Did I mention
that IÕm rich?
He is suddenly
surrounded by party girls again.
INT. PENTHOUSE
Raquel is gagged and
tied to a chair while the three crazed prop comics torture her with various
props. Gary Muledeer shoots arrows at her with his guitar. Rip Taylor gets his
jollies by throwing confetti from a bucket into her face. Raquel spits the gag out and screams.
RAQUEL
Help me!!! ItÕs
like my TVÕs stuck on ÒComedy CentralÓ and I canÕt find the remote!!!
RIP TAYLOR
ItÕs your turn,
Gallagher - finish her off...
Gallagher pulls out a
large mallet, heading towards Raquel. Suddenly RipÕs guards, burst through the
doors, falling to the ground as lifeless lumps. Vincent dives through the
doorway in SLOW MOTION and FIRES pistols in both hands. A bullet rips through
Gary Muledeer in SUPER SLO-MO, blood splattering as he lurches back. Carrot-Top
is lifted in mid-air by the force of the bullets, slowly gliding through the
air as Joe, Paul and the Executives walk through the carnage in REAL TIME.
JOE
Blood flies
everywhere... Paul is great at this sort of scene - he really makes gratuitous
bloodletting and violent death an art form.
Exec #1 smiles
approvingly as Carrot-Top slowly flies past.
EXEC #1
Violence is good -
very John Woo. And after all of this sex we need something to titillate the
audience.
Muledeer flies out a
window as bullets spatter his chest. He screams, the SLO-MO turning it into a
deep, twisted wail that continues as Exec #1 goes on.
EXEC #1 (cont.)
But this
blood-letting in slow-motion might be a little too much for the censors. Maybe
we should speed it up...
Now in REAL TIME,
Vincent ROLLS across the floor as three pies smash against the wall where he
landed. He continues to fire both pistols - holding them sideways as bad guys
are wont to do in movies nowadays. A bullet rips through Gary Muledeer before
he can launch an arrow with his guitar, blood spewing out of his chest. Blood
spews out of Carrot Top. A bullet crashes into the wall, missing
Rip—blood spewing out of the wall too. In fact everywhere the bullets
land—on paintings, furniture, wall fixtures—blood pours out of them
like a stream from a faucet. Gallagher gets hit, flying backwards through the
picture window.
CUT
TO:
EXT. TROPICAL NUGGET - VALET AREA
Mickey nurses his jaw
as his limo pulls up, the Valet opening the passenger door for him. Mickey tips
him and slides inside. He looks up through the sunroof to see...
EXT. TROPICAL NUGGET - MICKEYÕS P.O.V.
Gallagher falling
directly towards his car.
EXT. TROPICAL NUGGET - VALET AREA
As Gallagher falls,
bystanders hold up plastic sheets to avoid getting sprayed. Gallagher lands on
the limo, CRUSHING the cab of the limo, with Mickey inside.
VALET
In the end, he was
his own Sledg-a-matic...
A crowd applauds
wildly as we...
CUT
TO:
INT. PENTHOUSE
Vincent and Raquel
watch the scene from above through the broken window. Raquel turns to Vincent,
tears welling in his eyes.
RAQUEL
Vincent! You saved my
life!
(inspects the blood
splatters on outfit)
YouÕve ruined my
clothes, but youÕve saved my life.
VINCENT
And you saved
mine! YouÕve given me purpose! YouÕve made me feel needed and useful again.
Raquel embraces him.
RAQUEL
My hero...
(jumps back)
... Oops - one of
the bullets is still moving in slo-mo.
They step back, moving
around a bullet that is slowly passing between them, and re-embrace. Tears
streaming down her cheeks, Raquel kisses Vincent one last time.
VINCENT
YouÕd better get
out of here Raquel - get out of Las Vegas! ThereÕs nothing here for you -
forget about dancing, forget about me. And donÕt come back until they offer you
a sequel!
Joe watches proudly as
the Execs stand in a corner, tears streaming down their cheeks, too.
EXEC #2
ThatÕs beautiful.
EXEC #1
(wipes blood
spatter with finger)
I hope we shoot
this on a sound stage - the cleaning bill for this set would be huge on
location.
Vincent and Raquel
still embrace.
RAQUEL
I love you
Vincent.
VINCENT
(pulling away)
DonÕt make this
any harder for me. Just go.
RAQUEL
Will I ever see
you again?
VINCENT
(nobly)
Wherever there is
injustice, IÕll be there. Wherever thereÕs a guy getting stabbed in the ear
with an ice pick, IÕll be there. Wherever thereÕs drugs, racketeering, and
prostitution, IÕll be there... And hopefully IÕll be making a couple bucks off
it...
RAQUEL
I should have told
you Vincent; this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you...
She exits. Rip Taylor
lies bleeding in the corner, calling to her as she leaves.
RIP TAYLOR
YouÕll never strip
in this town again...
Vincent takes aim at
Rip TaylorÕs forehead...
RIP TAYLOR
CanÕt we all just
get along?
CUT
TO:
EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY
A cab pulls up out
front - the advertisement on its
top for Divine Brown in ÒEvitaÓ at the Vegas Howard Johnson Motel. Raquel gets out. The hospital sign is a
pair of dice that says ÒHoly Roller Medical Center.Ó
CUT
TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM
Raquel enters to see
Crystal recovering in bed. ThereÕs a sports book board with the odds on her
surviving displayed. Her head is in traction, with an IV set, tubes, wires and
sensors running everywhere. She
smiles upon seeing Raquel.
CRYSTAL
Well, if it isnÕt
the new lead Pussycat. I have one question darlinÕ, why did you do it?
RAQUEL
I only did what you
did lo, those many years ago to become a star, Crystal...
(turns to camera,
in soliloquy)
... In a sense, it is
what we all do - we sacrifice our integrity, leading our sordid lives in
quiet denial as we lose those qualities that make us most appealing - and most human...
(back to Crystal)
... Besides, someone
had to put a stop to your obviously fake southern accent and your annoying
habit of saying ÒDarlingÓ every
time you open your mouth.
CrystalÕs voice
suddenly seems normal and unaffected.
CRYSTAL
YouÕve grown,
Raquel. You started this movie as an immature, untalented little girl... and
youÕre ending up as a much more mature untalented girl.
Raquel steps over to
the window, where painters add a black
eye and bruises to the billboard of Rip
Taylor.
RAQUEL
Yes, but IÕm
heart-sick... I chose my career over love, and let the nicest man IÕve ever
known disappear from my life - and now IÕll never see him again. IÕll never
make those same mistakes again...
CRYSTAL
Good... You wanna
make out?
RAQUEL
Sure...
Raquel leans forward
for a kiss. We CROSS-CUT between their yearning lips, their wet, open mouths,
their anxious tongues darting out flirtatiously. Suddenly the machinery in the
room starts beeping and CrystalÕs head begins to grow even bigger. Medics rush
in, applying paddles on her forehead and yell Òclear!Ó Raquel turns to the
CAMERA...
RAQUEL
(to the camera)
LetÕs recap:
(using her fingers)
Vincent and I are
through, Crystal and I are over, Rip Taylor tried to abuse me and Mickey
screwed me over for some floozies... What happened to all the empowerment crap
the writer was talking about?
CUT
TO:
INT. EXECUTIVEÕS OFFICE - DAY
Joe pauses to catch
his breath, noticing a tear running down the cheek of each ExecÕs face.
JOE
Now I realize
there are a few plot holes to fill yet, and some inconsistencies, some threads
left hanging, but IÕm thinking of a nice, compact scene to resolve the other
plot lines...
EXEC #1
IÕve got it - an
audience-friendly happy ending that should tie up the loose ends...
CUT
TO:
EXT. GREYHOUND STATION - DAY
A new suitcase, the
name ÒRAQUELÓ scrawled across the leather covering. A newspaper blows up
against it, reading ÒRAQUEL QUITS! EMPOWERS WOMEN EVERYWHERE!!!Ó Underneath, a
smaller headline reads ÒStripper Movie a Smash - Young Execs Ousts Father.Ó We
PAN UP to Raquel, who is hitchhiking in front of the Greyhound station. A car screeches to a halt in front of
her, the passenger side door swinging open.
RAQUEL
(sighs, rolling her
eyes)
Thanks, but I
never take rides from strang--
She looks inside to
see Vincent smiling back at her from behind the wheel - the back seat COVERED
IN MONEY. Vincent smiles lovingly.
VINCENT
How about taking a
ride from a rich, good-looking boyfriend...?
RAQUEL
Vincent! What a
strained plot twist it is seeing you here! There are drinks inside at the lunch
counter...
VINCENT
No Raquel - I
didnÕt come here to get loaded... I came back for you.
RAQUEL
Me?
VINCENT
(summoning up his
nerve)
Raquel... I am now
an ex-alcoholic. I want you to quit this sleazy life in Las Vegas and
run off with me. I know giving up the glamour of performing in a partially nude
revue to settle down and become a hitmanÕs wife is a big decision. And times
will be tough for a while - I may even have to take a second job shaking down
mob informants or turning stateÕs evidence - but somehow weÕll get by.
RAQUEL
Vincent! But why? Who? What? Where? When? How?
(to camera)
And I thought
JoeÕs dialogue was bad...
VINCENT
I got my courage
back. You inspired me to get back
into the gangster biz. I just knocked off the Tropical Nugget casino about a
minute ago, so IÕm kind of in a hurry. Need a lift?
Grinning, she hops
inside. They exchange a knowing glance and speed off. A phalanx of cop cars
race after them, firing bullets and sirens wailing.
RAQUEL (v.o.)
You know Vincent,
in some strange, under-motivated way I think I love you. Where to now?
VINCENT (v.o.)
I donÕt know -
letÕs just drive around until thereÕs a sequel.
They drive into the
desert, passing a billboard reading ÒRAQUEL! BOOBS ON ICE!Ó and featuring two
feet upside-down in broken ice skates, as we...
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. EXECUTIVEÕS OFFICE - DAY
Joe mulls it over,
shaking his head.
JOE
I donÕt want to be
a Demi-gogue about this, but I think we can get Moore out of it if we do what
most Striptease movies do. Shoot different endings - then if it bombs with
tests audiences we have something else to fall back on...
EXEC #2
No - IÕve got it -
a proven commercial ending - lots of special effects! How about this...?
CUT
TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM
There is a loud
whistling sound, everybody looking toward the window.
CRYSTAL
WhatÕs that
whistling sound?
Telegrams and get-well
cards begin to blow around the room. Raquel runs to the window and gasps.
RAQUEL
Twister!
CUT
TO:
EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP - VARIOUS SHOTS
We see various STOCK
FOOTAGE clips of typical disaster footage: high winds, tornadoes, and
sandstorms; Buster Keaton battling high winds in ÒSherlock Jr.Ó; even the
Bikini Island atomic bomb test. Las Vegas residents run for shelter, carrying
their possessions - suitcases, TVÕs, pets - one even lugging a large
refrigerator. The tornado is merciless, sucking up Vegas landmarks, cows,
gaming tables (with the gamblers still betting as they fly beside them), even
blowing the toupees off a photo of Seigfreid and Roy on a billboard. It reaches
four teenagers playing a game of ÒTWISTERÓ.
TEENAGER
Right hand -
Green! .......... Aaaaah!
The huge tornado SUCKS
THEM UP INTO THE SKY, then heads toward the Bottomless Pit!
CUT
TO:
INT. BOTTOMLESS PIT
The tornado rips
through the strip club as dancers hold on to the brass poles for dear
life. Dollar bills, napkins and
other debris fly wildly through the club as patrons struggle to watch the
show. As the strippers grasp the
poles, their feet begin to leave the ground. A customer fights the high winds to get to the stage and put a dollar in a stripperÕs G-string,
but he is blown away.
EXT. BOTTOMLESS PIT - DAY
Eddie and all of the
strippers run outside to see the oncoming tornado. Newspapers, cars, and even
some of the film crew are blown past. Eddie clings to the door for dear life.
EDDIE
ItÕs a twister -
get to the basement!!!
They open the storm
cellar doors that have now appeared at the base of the building and hurry
inside, PamelaÕs boob job getting stuck in the entryway, and Eddie trying to
ram them inside.
CUT
TO:
SUPERIMPOSE - NEWSPAPERS
Newspapers spin into
frame: ÒLAS VEGAS DESTROYED BY TORNADO!Ó Then: ÒNEVADA DISAPPEARS UNDER LAYER
OF SAND! PROPERTY VALUES RISE!Ó Finally, ÒRICH LITTLE DISAPPEARS; NOBODY
NOTICES!Ó
DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT. DESERT
Now just a desert.
Vincent and Raquel ride up on a horse. Vincent suddenly halts as they come
across the head and hand of the neon
cowboy sign from the Vegas strip poking out of the sand. Vincent
dismounts, stepping over to the sign... then falls to his knees, pounding the
sand - doing his best Chuck Heston.
VINCENT
You did it, didnÕt
you! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!!!
RAQUEL
Maybe I can still
dance in L.A....
INT. EXECUTIVEÕS OFFICE - DAY
Exec #2 looks at their
reactions and winces.
EXEC #2
(backing off)
ItÕs an idea,
anyway... Maybe a large alien invasion...
JOE
(thinks for a
minute, then grins)
... Gentlemen,
IÕve got it: an idea that nobody will expect...
They all congratulate
each other, shaking hands as a TITLE reads:
AND SO THE FILM WAS MADE...
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. MOVIE SCREEN - BEDROOM - NIGHT
An attractive couple
in bed as obnoxious Kenny G-like music blares on the soundtrack. SHANNEN
DOHERTY sits up, her lingerie strap dangling seductively off her shoulders. The
MAN sighs contentedly.
MAN
Thank God itÕs
over, Raquel. Strange how a master detective like me could have mistaken you, a
Las Vegas stripper, as the ÒTopless TerrorizerÓ who leaves men literally
topless by decapitation—when it was obviously my cousin Doris, the
Appellate Judge, all along...
SHANNEN DOHERTY
YouÕd think sheÕd
have understood the laws better.
MAN
IÕm going to miss
you, babe. I fly to New York tomorrow to break the bad news to Aunt Tooti...
SHANNEN DOHERTY
DonÕt feel bad -
IÕll take a little piece of you with me wherever I go...
The Woman pulls a
CHAINSAW out from under the mattress. The Man SCREAMS, the Woman SAWING AWAY as
we...
PULL BACK to reveal
the cameras and crew of the movie set.
DIRECTOR
(yelling)
Cut!
Shannen Doherty
instantly comes out of character and starts throwing a tantrum as the crew
moves in to deal with the next shot.
SHANNEN DOHERTY
This is the worst
piece of crap IÕve ever worked on! I am going to kill my agent! This guyÕs
giving me nothing to work with and I told them to move that backlight...
Paul quickly hurries
her off, making excuses.
EXEC #1
I love this. A
character like this really focuses on what Hollywood should be doing for the
modern woman - empowering her! This is ripe for a sequel. Janeane!
Janeane runs over with
a clipboard. She is the SPITTING IMAGE of Raquel
as she appeared in the pitch.
EXEC #1 (cont.)
Call Joe and tell
him to get started on ÔStripgirlsÕ II. Raquel empowers herself in the lesbian
porno industry!
EXEC #2
And this coffee is
horrible - brew a new pot!
They check her out as
she rushes off to do their bidding. We read on a SCROLL:
ÒSTRIP GIRLSÓ was
released to universal ridicule later that year. Both Executives were fired,
vilified, and werenÕt even invited to Christmas dinner by their father, the
CEO. The studio went bankrupt and was put up for sale...
... then the
ÒSTRIP GIRLSÓ video was released, selling more copies than ÒET,Ó The ÒStar
WarsÓ trilogy, and ÒDebbie Does DallasÓ combined. The studio was bought for an
enormous sum, the two Executives were re-hired to run the studio - and their
dad canÕt even get a pitch meeting with them...
... Oh yeah
- and Janeane the receptionist still takes constant ridicule from them - but
thatÕs okay, because she has the janitor pee in their coffee.
FADE
TO BLACK:
THE
END.
AND
STAY AWAY FROM OUR CHUBS, GREEN-ASS...