FATHER FIGURE
FADE IN ON:
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREETS - VARIOUS SHOTS - DAY
We see familiar Los Angeles streets as they looked thirty-five years ago. The buildings are smaller, the cars are bigger, and their drivers are just as pissed off.
SUPERIMPOSE TITLE: Los Angeles - 1959
Studio billboards promote the cartoon stars of the day: Disney's Mickey Mouse ("The world's most famous mouse!"), Warner Brothers' Bugs Bunny ("America's favorite cartoon!"), MGM's Tom and Jerry ("Oscar winning cat and mouse!"), Universal's Woody Woodpecker ("Popular in France!"), and finally, on the back of a bus bench, Glee-Toons' WACKY WOLF ("Less violent for 1959!").
PAN to ÔGlee-ToonsÕ Productions. Brightly painted, with topiary bushes trimmed to resemble the studio's most popular characters, the place looks like the gaudy, cheerful cartoon factory it is. A statue of Wacky Wolf stands out front, grinning at the passing cars.
INT. 'GLEE-TOONS' - ANIMATOR'S CUBICLE
CLOSE on a stack of paper, a drawing of Wacky Wolf on the top sheet. A woman's hands FAN the pages, creating a FLIP-BOOK effect as Wacky comes to life, his eyes bugging out and jaw dropping to the ground. PULL BACK to reveal MARY WEBSTER. In her mid-twenties, Mary is tall, brunette and very attractive. She regards the top sheet a moment, grinning playfully as she adds a slight - but noticeable - bulge in Wacky's crotch area.
MARY
Don't say I never did anything for you, Wacky...
Suddenly EDDIE GLEE bursts into the cubicle, all energy and purpose. A Hollywood hustler, EddieÕs in his mid-thirties, bad haircut, all business.
EDDIE
Mary! There you are! Follow me - and grab a notepad.
MARY
I'm not your secretary, Eddie.
EDDIE
(leaving)
It pays better...
MARY
(grabs clipboard)
Wait up.
Mary hurries after him.
INT. 'GLEE-TOONS' - HALLWAY
People bustle about, the walls lined with posters for Wacky Wolf cartoons - 'WORLD WAR WOLF', 'WOLF AHOY!', 'B.O. WOLF' and 'WACKY OF THE FOREIGN LEGION'. Mary catches up with Eddie as he scurries down the hallway.
MARY
IÕve got to tell you, Eddie - IÕve been on some rotten first dates, but last night... digging through dumpsters behind Warner Brothers looking for ÔLooney ToonsÕ cells?
EDDIE
ItÕs the only way to stay competitive in this business. You shoulda been there the night I snuck into MGM through the sewers. Glory days.
MARY
WhoÕd you take that night - Mamie Eisenhower?
Eddie laughs as he abruptly turns and scoots through a door, Mary doing her best to keep up.
INT. 'GLEE-TOONS' - SCREENING ROOM
Eddie and Mary hurry up the aisle of a plush screening room.
EDDIE
Let me make it up to you - thereÕs this new restaurant I want to try.
MARY
(wary)
Really? That sounds nice.
EDDIE
Yeah. I hear a bunch of Disney animators eat there. We can eavesdrop, hear what they're working on... do you have anything that looks like a waitresses outfit?
Mary sighs as Eddie steps to where several TECHNICIANS in white lab coats are gathered around one of the theatre seats. The HEAD TECHNICIAN - a wild-eyed, wild-haired man in his 60's - turns, surprised to see them.
EDDIE
My crack technology staff... Have you geniuses seen the grosses on 'Wild West Wolf', and 'Wack-Wack-Wacky-Doo'? We're gettin' killed by Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse... we're even gettin' killed by Gerald Mc-fucking-boingboing! I hired you six months ago to build this amazing new projector that would help me compete with the big boys, and so far all I've seen is your paychecks as I sign them.
HEAD TECHNICIAN
Mr. Glee! I'm afraid it's not ready to show yet. We haven't even had a chance to test it.
EDDIE
HereÕs your chance! And it better be an improvement on ÔShake-O-VisionÕ - I havenÕt had a solid bowel movement since.
Before the Head Technician can protest, Eddie sits in the theatre seat, which has wires, TV tubes and a helmet apparatus attached to it. The wires lead to the projection booth, where a bizarre-looking projector can be glimpsed. Technicians lift the helmet onto his head.
EDDIE
What're you calling this thing, anyway?
HEAD TECHNICIAN
I was thinking of 'virtual reality', but I wanted something more scientific, so I'm calling it 'Sense-O-Rama'.
The Technicians hook everything up. They step back to reveal Eddie, who now wears the huge, ridiculous helmet, which features 3-D goggles, various electrodes, a tube up his nose, and a rubber plug stuck to the tip of his tongue, which makes him speak with a LISP. Mary sits, trying not to laugh.
EDDIE
What'th tho funny?
MARY
You look like one of those bullethead guys in the 'Superman' serials. Only goofier.
EDDIE
Make a note to cut your thalary...
They look up as the Head Technician speaks grandly.
HEAD TECHNICIAN
You will feel what the characters onscreen feel! You will smell what they smell, taste what they taste. You will be one with the film! Mr. Glee, I give you 'Sense-O-Rama'!
The lights dim as a brilliant BEAM bursts from the projection booth, everyone turning toward the screen to see...
INSERT - MOVIE SCREEN - ANIMATION
A typical early-fifties cartoon, in lush color and full animation. Frantic music plays as TITLE CARDS flash by:
GLEE-TOONS PRESENTS
WACKY WOLF in...
'WILD AND WOLFISH'
Produced, Written and Directed by EDDIE GLEE
Eddie groans, already bored.
EDDIE
Great. Like I don't thee enough of thith crap every day.
MARY
I like Wacky Wolf. He's clever, he's funny, he's confident...
(playfully)
... he's like the perfect man.
EDDIE
(laughs)
Oh yeah - women love guyth with big bulging eyeth and thteam shooting out of their ears.
MARY
Why not? When I meet the perfect man I want to hear bells, see fireworks. I want there to be stars in his eyes.
The music segues into a gentle country tune as the title cards DISSOLVE TO...
... A farmyard. Signs are posted everywhere. SWISH PAN from one to the other: 'NO WOLVES!'... 'ALL WOLVES WILL BE SHOT!'... 'I SAID NO WOLVES!'... and 'IN CASE YOU MISSED THE PREVIOUS SIGN - NO WOLVES!!!'. Wearing overalls and a wide-brimmed straw hat, FARMER JOHN surveys the scene through binoculars: cattle sleeping in the pasture, chickens playing cards in the henhouse, and sheep grazing in the meadow.
INT. SCREENING ROOM
Eddie makes a face, surprised and disgusted as he actually TASTES the grass.
EDDIE
What the...
INSERT - MOVIE SCREEN - ANIMATION
Farmer John checks the shells in his shotgun.
FARMER JOHN
Any sign of that wolf, Shep?
PAN to a sandbagged military control center, manned by SHEP, Farmer John's dimwitted hound dog. Shep checks the radar screen, where he sees nothing.
SHEP
Du-uuh, that's a big negative, Farmer John.
Shep returns to his book ('Sam Spayed') as a BLIP appears on the radar screen. We ZOOM to the woods, where...
... WACKY WOLF sticks his head out of a bush. He eyes the sheep, cattle and chickens, spotting something that makes him salivate.
INT. SCREENING ROOM
Drooling, Eddie wipes his mouth, embarrassed. Mary frowns, while the Head Technician glows with pride.
INSERT - MOVIE SCREEN - ANIMATION
Grinning wickedly, Wacky turns and speaks to the CAMERA.
WACKY
Just between you and me, folks, I'm a strict vegetarian. There's only one dish on this farm that I'm interested in...
He cocks his thumb to one side as we SWISH PAN to... the FARMER'S DAUGHTER. A buxom Daisy Mae-type, she bends over suggestively as she slops the hogs, brassy music BLARING on the soundtrack.
Gawking at the Farmer's Daughter, Wacky's body levitates and stiffens with a BOING!
INT. SCREENING ROOM
Surprised, Eddie glances down at his crotch before discreetly crossing his legs.
INSERT - MOVIE SCREEN - ANIMATION
Holding a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates, Wacky REVS up his legs excitedly before racing toward the Farmer's Daughter at warp speed, lips puckered... pausing to TIP-TOE around an outhouse, holding his nose... then heÕs off again!
INT. SCREENING ROOM
Eddie gags from the smell of the outhouse as Mary laughs.
INSERT - MOVIE SCREEN - ANIMATION
The Farmer's Daughter reaches OUT OF FRAME, pulling a HOMELY COW into her place as Wacky arrives, lips planted firmly against the Cow's in a big, sloppy kiss.
INT. SCREENING ROOM
Eddie spits as though he's tasted something nasty.
INSERT - MOVIE SCREEN - ANIMATION
Across the meadow, a BRAWNY BULL spies Wacky kissing the Cow. Steam shoots out of the Bull's ears as he charges, RAMMING Wacky from behind and sending him FLYING through the air.
INT. SCREENING ROOM
Eddie jumps from his seat, grabbing his ass.
EDDIE
Hey!
INSERT - MOVIE SCREEN - ANIMATION
Wacky sails through the air - an air raid SIREN going off in Shep's military control center. Dropping the book, Shep FIRES an anti-aircraft gun wildly into the sky. Wacky ARCS gracefully through the flak... right into the arms of a stunned Farmer John. One ear flopping over his eye, Wacky brushes it back, making a whistling sound as he sighs.
WACKY
Thank goodness you caught me... I thought I was a goner.
He hands Farmer John the flowers and chocolates, giving him a big SMOOCH. Farmer John's face turns beet red, the top of his head ERUPTING like a volcano. Wacky screams as Farmer John begins to strangle him.
INT. SCREENING ROOM
Choking, Eddie clutches his throat, accidentally smacking Mary in the head with his elbow. She WHACKS him in the gut with her clipboard. A strange ELECTRICAL IMPULSE ZAPS from the helmet, up the wires and into the projector.
As the ELECTRICAL SURGE reaches the projector, ONSCREEN Wacky and Farmer John grab their stomachs, feeling what Eddie feels. A strange TRANSFERENCE is taking place, feelings and sensations flowing from the cartoon to Eddie, and vice-versa. Surprised, the cartoons look at each other, then into the screening room.
WACKY
(points to Eddie - scoffs)
Who's the jerk in the stupid helmet?
Suddenly Brawny Bull races up from behind, slamming into Wacky again - knocking him COMPLETELY OUT OF THE CARTOON AND INTO THE THEATRE. Wacky lands in the aisle, dazed, as everyone stares in shock.
EDDIE
(applauds)
Thethe are the betht effecth I've ever theen!
Farmer John and Brawny Bull stare down from the movie screen.
FARMER JOHN
I don't remember this. What do we do?
BRAWNY BULL
(shrugs)
Improvise...
Brawny Bull jumps OFF THE SCREEN, chasing the Technicians around the theatre. Farmer John grabs his gun and follows, shooting wildly - BLASTING the seat next to Eddie to bits.
EDDIE
Thith ith amathing!
Mary stares in shock at Wacky Wolf, who sits in the aisle nearby. Wacky glances at Mary, jumping to his feet excitedly.
Wacky is immediately in love. Little red HEARTS circle his head, while BELLS sound and FIREWORKS explode in the air around him. Mary is stunned - especially when she looks into his eyes, his pupils now in the shape of STARS.
WACKY
What's a nice girl like you doing in a cartoon like this?
Wacky's lips JUMP off his face, KISSING their way up Mary's arm. Mary can't help but smile, giggling uncontrollably. ONSCREEN, Shep spots Wacky, FIRING his anti-aircraft gun INTO THE THEATRE, animated EXPLOSIONS filling the auditorium.
EDDIE
Thpectacular! ItÕll be bigger than thound!
Taking advantage of the distraction, Wacky grabs Mary, throwing her over his shoulder and carrying her up the aisle. She laughs hysterically.
WACKY
I finally got the girl!
(howls)
Come on, babe. Let's blow this pop stand.
One of the Technicians turns to the Head Technician, watching the chaos with detached interest.
TECHNICIAN
Well... what do you think?
HEAD TECHNICIAN
Needs work.
DISSOLVE TO:
INSERT - NEWSPAPERS
Newspaper headlines SPIN onscreen as underneath we see scenes of Wacky wreaking havoc in the real world. They read:
ÒWOLFMANÓ TERRORIZES CITY!
Wacky RACES, BOUNCES and CAREENS down Hollywood Boulevard, sending tourists running in terror. Another HEADLINE SPINS...
FAMOUS ARTWORK DEFACED!
In a museum, MUSTACHES have been painted on priceless artwork like ÔBlue BoyÕ, the ÔMona LisaÕ... and a sleeping guard. Another HEADLINE SPINS...
PRACTICAL JOKER TORMENTS HUNTERS!
Two hunters compare shotguns, their barrels tied into BOWS. Another HEADLINE SPINS...
VANDAL PAINTS TOWN RED - LITERALLY!
Downtown L.A., including the City Hall, glows a bright, crimson red as the last HEADLINE SPINS...
POLICE CLOSING IN!
CUT TO:
EXT. CAVE - DAY
A policeman approaches a cave somewhere in the hills above L.A. The cave looks normal enough - except for the mailbox out front with the words ÔWACKY WOLFÕ scrawled on the side. The policeman nervously carries a large birthday cake with lit sticks of dynamite for candles. He gingerly sets the cake in front of the cave, ringing the doorbell next to the entrance before hauling ass outta there. After a moment Wacky steps out, picking up the cake delightedly.
WACKY
A cake? For me? ItÕs not even my birthday.
(reads cake)
ÔDear Wacky - Boom!Õ Boom? WhoÕs... uh-oh.
The dynamite EXPLODES, WackyÕs face charred black. He staggers forward, where he steps into a BEAR TRAP... then hops onto thousands of MARBLES covering the ground... finally slipping, stumbling and teetering onto a big red ÔXÕ painted on the ground.
EXT. HILLTOP
On a hilltop above the cave, Eddie calls to a squad of COPS, looking like he hasnÕt slept in a week.
EDDIE
Now!
SWISH PAN to a half dozen Cops straining to hold a length of rope looped over a pulley. As they let go we see that the rope holds a GRAND PIANO in the air directly over the ÔXÕ.
EXT. CAVE
Wacky looks up as KA-BANG! the piano comes down on his head, smashing into a gazillion pieces. WackyÕs head sticks through a hole in the top, bells RINGING as they circle his head.
WACKY
I canÕt believe I fell for those old gags... eeeyeeeyeew...
He gives a woozy smile, his teeth replaced by PIANO KEYS, before falling backward.
Eddie hurries down from the hilltop, standing over Wacky as a couple of Cops rush into the cave. One calls out in amazement.
COP
Hey! ThereÕs a woman in here. YouÕll never believe it, this place is nicer than my house!
The other Cop leads Mary out of the cave. A little rumpled, a little tired, she looks none the worse for wear.
EDDIE
Mary! Finally! Are you all right? YouÕre not hurt or anything, are you?
MARY
No, no. IÕm fine...
EDDIE
Good. YouÕre fired.
Eddie turns and walks away as the Cops ROLL the flattened Wacky up like a RUG. Mary bites her lip worriedly, a knowing frown on her face.
MARY
Uh, Eddie? Eddie, wait - thereÕs something you should know... Eddie...?
Eddie keeps walking as the Cops toss Wacky into the back of a paddy wagon, SLAMMING the doors as we...
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY
BANG! The maternity ward doors burst open as a pregnant woman is rushed down the hallway on a gurney, surrounded by DOCTORS and NURSES. ItÕs Mary, and sheÕs not having a great time.
SUPERIMPOSE TITLE: 9 months later...
DOCTOR
Has the father been notified?
MARY
(in pain)
There is no father!
NURSE
Oh, IÕm so sorry...
MARY
YouÕd be more sorry if he was here...
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL DELIVERY ROOM - LATER
Mary lies on the table, legs in stirrups as the Doctor urges her on.
DOCTOR
Push, Miss Webster - push!
NURSE
Here it comes... I can see the head...
The Doctor and Nurses lean in as suddenly a LONG TONGUE SHOOTS OUT, blowing a raspberry. They stare in shock as a tiny hand reaches up, SLAPPING their faces and POKING their eyes. The baby laughs crazily, hopping out and BOUNCING around the room making wild Ôwoop-woopÕ noises.
DOCTOR
My God... itÕs... itÕs...
MARY
(groans)
ItÕs his...
WIPE TO:
INT./EXT. BABY HAROLD - VARIOUS SHOTS
A MONTAGE of baby HAROLD - half human, half cartoon - during his first year: Mary lifts Harold into his crib, where he immediately SQUEEZES out through the bars... In a park, an elderly woman bends over HaroldÕs stroller to play Ôgot your noseÕ when POP! HaroldÕs nose comes off in her hand... Mary installs horizontal bars on HaroldÕs crib, only to have him SQUEEZE through the grid like Play-Doh... Mary burps Harold over her shoulder, the furniture behind her BLOWN AWAY by the belch... Mary hammers solid sheets of plywood to the sides of HaroldÕs crib... Sitting on the sofa, Mary watches as Harold BOUNCES off the walls and ceiling, feathers and furniture stuffing flying everywhere. The house is a wreck, a PERFECT OUTLINE of HaroldÕs body in the plywood on his crib.
MARY
I donÕt think this is working...
WIPE TO:
INT. THERAPISTÕS OFFICE - DAY
Mary watches as Harold, now one year-old, plays with a large rubber ball. A THERAPIST notes his every move with interest.
THERAPIST
... We rid him of these bizarre traits through negative reinforcement. If we discourage him enough, he will repress these habits, and POOF! they will go away. Have I mentioned that my IQ is well over 160?
Mary nods weakly as they watch Baby Harold pick up the rubber ball... inspect it curiously... then EAT it, his head taking on its round shape.
WIPE TO:
INT. THERAPISTÕS OFFICE - DAY
The Therapist sneaks up behind Harold with an air horn, letting out a BLAST. HaroldÕs EYES BUG OUT, his entire body going RIGID and HAIR STANDING ON END. When the horn stops, HaroldÕs features RETURN TO NORMAL.
THERAPIST
Bad Harold!
Harold opens his mouth, mimicking the sound of the horn - all the glass in the office EXPLODING into a million pieces.
WIPE TO:
INT. THERAPISTÕS OFFICE - DAY
Two year-old Harold plays with a teddy bear, which the Therapist takes from him, placing it on a high shelf. Confused, Harold reaches out, ARMS STRETCHING TEN FEET to grab the stuffed toy from the shelf. He hugs the bear happily, frowning as the Therapist leans into his face.
THERAPIST
Bad Harold!
Harold grabs the Therapist, arms STRETCHING as he places him on the high shelf. The Therapist blinks, surprised, as the shelf gives way, plummeting him to the ground, where he is buried beneath a pile of books.
WIPE TO:
INT. THERAPISTÕS OFFICE - DAY
The Therapist sits with three year-old Harold, who smacks the doctor and himself over the head with a toy hammer - HaroldÕs head FLATTENING and POPPING BACK to normal with each blow.
THERAPIST
(calmly, with each hit)
Bad Harold... Bad Harold... Bad Harold...
INT. THERAPISTÕS WAITING ROOM - LATER
The Therapist speaks to Mary, holding a bag of ice to his head.
THERAPIST
I donÕt think this is working. He hasnÕt improved...
(adjusting the bag of ice)
... and since IÕve begun working with him, my IQ has dropped to 125...
They turn as Harold can be seen Ôwoop-woopingÕ in the office, watching his SHADOW through the frosted glass door as it undergoes all sorts of cartoonish CONTORTIONS.
WIPE TO:
INT. PEDIATRICIANÕS WAITING ROOM - DAY
PAN across crying kids, frazzled nurses and impatient mothers. Mary sits with four year-old Harold, now wearing an elaborate set of BRACES and RETAINERS on his head and body. Mary can only offer a sympathetic smile as he sits there pitifully.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. THERAPISTÕS OFFICE - DAY
Five year-old Harold hugs a teddy bear, scribbling contentedly in a coloring book. Mary watches nervously as the Therapist once again lets out a BLAST from the air horn. This time thereÕs no cartoon reaction - Harold only cries, scared.
THERAPIST
Good Harold!
The Therapist snatches the teddy bear from Harold, placing it on a high shelf. Harold only cries louder. He reaches for the bear, arms retaining their normal length.
THERAPIST
Good Harold!
(to Mary)
In thirty years he wonÕt remember any of this ever happened. HeÕs a normal, happy human being.
Mary smiles worriedly as Harold sniffles, a look of complete ANXIETY on his face.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
Present day Los Angeles. The buildings are bigger, the cars smaller, and the drivers are now armed. PAN TO an imposing building, marble sign out front reading 'HARDCASTLE, HARRISON, CRAWFORD & DUNN - ATTORNEYS AT LAW'.
SUPERIMPOSE TITLE: And so... thirty years later...
INT. LAW FIRM - BOARD ROOM
HAROLD WEBSTER sits at a conference room table, the same look of complete ANXIETY on his face. HaroldÕs your average 35 year-old male - average height, average weight, and, at the moment, average anxiety attack. He manages to cover up as three other lawyers (BOBBY SINYARD, DOUG TURZAK, and FREDDY WIDMER) step in and take seats, speaking in rapid, clipped tones.
BOBBY
What have you heard?
FREDDY
Yeah, what?
DOUG
Why were we called in here... Are they making you a partner, you bastard?
FREDDY
Yeah, are they?
BOBBY
They are! I knew it!
DOUG
Damn!
BOBBY
Shit!
FREDDY
Yeah - damn and shit!
HAROLD
Nobody's told me a thing. We're all still lowly lawyers, I promise...
They stare at Harold distrustfully.
BOBBY
Yeah they did - you just can't tell us.
DOUG
I knew it - shit!
HAROLD
I swear! I hear the next partner has to be a minority, anyway...
BOBBY
No!
DOUG
No!
FREDDY
Yeah - no!
HAROLD
(nods to doorway)
Here comes Crawford. I guess we'll find out.
WARREN CRAWFORD enters. In his mid-forties, he's athletic, handsome, and youthful. AKA caps, tanning salon and hair plugs. He steps to the head of the table.
WARREN
I've got an announcement...
BOBBY
(under his breath)
Damn!
DOUG
Shit!
FREDDY
I knew it!
WARREN
(grins)
No, Webster's not a partner yet...
Bobby, Doug and Freddy breathe a sigh of relief, nudging Harold.
BOBBY
Sorry, man.
DOUG
You deserved it, guy.
FREDDY
It's coming, Harold - not to worry...
WARREN
(cutting in)
... But he's getting the opportunity to become one.
Everyone shuts up, turning back to Warren.
WARREN (cont.)
Wilfred Dunn suffered an aneurysm while playing doubles last night. He'll be incapacitated indefinitely... and he may never play tennis again.
HAROLD
How horrible.
BOBBY
Awful...
DOUG
Who gets his clients?
Warren smirks - these guys'll make good lawyers yet.
WARREN
Well, Webster here has been assisting Wilfred with the G.R. Rollins tobacco suit, which goes to trial tomorrow morning. I spoke with Mr. Rollins, and we both agreed that we didn't want a continuance. We also agreed that Harold could handle it himself.
Harold sits back, stunned. Lock of hair flopping over his eye, Harold brushes it back, making a whistling sound as he sighs - just as we saw Wacky do earlier.
BOBBY
Damn!
DOUG
Shit!
FREDDY
Who's assisting him?
WARREN
I guess you are, Widmer...
BOBBY
Damn!!!
DOUG
Shit!!!
WARREN
You can all assist him. And I don't have to remind you that G.R. Rollins is one of our biggest clients.
Harold seems a little shaken by this news.
HAROLD
Mr. Crawford - I've never actually taken this kind of lawsuit to a jury. IÕve always been able to negotiate a settlement. Are you sure you don't want to go with someone more experienced?
WARREN
This is a very emotional case. We need someone with a cool head, who won't get rattled or show any emotion. A lawyer with a strong personality could work against us here. You're our man.
HAROLD
Thank you... I think.
WARREN
This is an expensive, high-profile lawsuit. A positive judgment could make you the next partner...
(soberly)
... A negative judgment, and you might be the guy emptying Wilfred Dunn's bedpan.
Warren stalks out the door, the look of anxiety returning to HaroldÕs face.
HAROLD
Damn and shit...
CUT TO:
INT. HAROLD'S OFFICE - DAY
Bobby, Doug and Freddy stand with Harold in his office, raising little bottles of airline liquor and singing playfully.
BOBBY, DOUG, FREDDY
Happy birthday to you -
Happy birthday to you -
Happy birthday dear...
BOBBY
... backstabber...
DOUG
... brown-noser...
FREDDY
... lucky bastard...
BOBBY, DOUG, FREDDY
... Happy birthday to you!
They cheer and drink, Harold grinning.
HAROLD
Thank you, peasants. I know that came from the heart.
DOUG
You know we're happy for you, Harold. This is your first major, high-profile case.
HAROLD
I don't know if it's that great. Defending a tobacco company against a cancer patient isn't exactly what I pictured when I left law school. So much for helping the downtrodden.
BOBBY
It's better than being the downtrodden.
Bobby, Freddy and Doug laugh as JULIA WAGSTAFF enters. Late twenties, Julia is HaroldÕs assistant, very perky and energetic.
JULIA
Mr. Webster, your wife called while you were in the meeting. She said her charity dinner's gonna run a little long, so youÕre on your own for dinner, to remember to self-actualize, and to dissipate all your negative energy about the 'father thing', whatever that is...
BOBBY
Another charity thing, huh? So she and Warren still spending a lot of time together... working ... on all those fundraisers...
Bobby, Freddy, Doug and Julia exchange uneasy, knowing looks. Freddy hurriedly changes the subject.
FREDDY
What's the 'father thing'?
HAROLD
(glances at Julia)
It's kind of personal.
Recognizing her cue, Julia leaves, an understanding grin on her face.
JULIA
Boy-talk alert. IÕll close the door behind me.
As soon as she leaves Bobby, Doug and Freddy turn to Harold, interested.
DOUG
What is it?
BOBBY
You can tell us, buddy...
FREDDY
(discreetly)
He's a criminal? A felon?
HAROLD
No.
DOUG
(really interested now)
Alky? Drug addict? White slaver?
HAROLD
No!
BOBBY
(whispers)
Postal worker?
HAROLD
It's nothing like that. It's... well, that's the problem. I don't know what he was.
(lowers his voice, explaining)
My mother had a fling with some guy she never saw again and I was the result. I guess that's not so bad, but she won't tell me anything about him. Every birthday it just kind of eats at me, you know? It's like I'm missing half my past.
Doug thinks this over.
DOUG
But that's kind of cool, too. I mean, your father could be a business tycoon, or a movie star...
BOBBY
(optimistically)
Without legal representation...
FREDDY
Of course he could be a complete psychopath...
Harold frowns as Doug elbows Freddy in the ribs.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. FANCY HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Children at a birthday party sit around an older woman as she sketches on a pad. As they watch her, we realize that the woman is Mary, now in her early sixties. Finishing, she holds up a caricature of the birthday girl (SARAH HOBSON) with Mickey Mouse, the children laughing and clapping. Mary hands it to Sarah.
MARY
Happy birthday, Sarah.
The other kids erupt, demanding drawings. Mary quiets them.
MARY
Okay, who wants to be next?
LITTLE BOY
(pushes other kids out of his way)
Me! But not with some stupid mouse. I wanna be fighting the X-Men, and I rip WolverineÕs still-beating heart out of his chest and heÕs screaming and thereÕs lots of blood nÕ stuff all over...
Mary cuts him off tiredly.
MARY
I think maybe weÕll stick with Bugs Bunny.
She starts to sketch as the doorbell RINGS, a woman in an expensive suit (MRS. HOBSON) stepping up.
MRS. HOBSON
Okay, everyone gather around! Guess who came over to wish Sarah a happy birthday?
On cue the door BURSTS open, all color draining from MaryÕs face as WACKY WOLF races into the room.
WACKY
Hey kids! ItÕs me - Wacky Wolf!
Wacky turns and looks directly at Mary, whose eyes roll back in her head as she faints. Wacky rushes forward.
WACKY
ThatÕs weird - itÕs usually the kids who faint in terror.
MARY
(comes to - sees Wacky)
No! No! It canÕt be! No...!
Wacky quickly reaches up, PULLING OFF HIS HEAD. The children scream in fright until we see that itÕs only a man in a costume. In his late sixties, bad haircut, all business - itÕs Eddie Glee. Mary stops screaming, peering up at him.
MARY
Eddie?
EDDIE
Mary? Mary Webster?
Mrs. Hobson steps forward angrily.
MRS. HOBSON
IÕm not paying for this! Neither of you! Everything is ruined! You promised my daughterÕd have a party sheÕd remember for the rest of her life!
EDDIE
You want her to remember this party?
(loudly)
Screw you, you frigid wrinkly bitch!
Mrs. Hobson gasps, while the children all giggle - especially little Sarah.
EDDIE (cont.)
Ask her if she remembers that in twenty years.
MARY
(grins knowingly)
Same old Eddie...
CUT TO:
EXT. DRIVEWAY - LATER
Eddie, still in the headless Wacky Wolf suit, walks with Mary toward the street.
EDDIE
ItÕs been a long time. I havenÕt seen you since that day...
He trails off awkwardly as they reach the curb.
MARY
How have you been? Still running the studio?
EDDIE
Oh sure. Things are going great. WeÕve never been more busy.
(looks down at wolf suit)
Uh, I donÕt usually do this - the kid who does is sick, so I thought Ôwhat the hellÕ, yÕknow?
They reach EddieÕs car - a beat-up old Pacer. Embarrassed, Eddie pretends to click off the car alarm with his keychain.
EDDIE
Damn. Musta forgot to turn on the alarm.
(sheÕs not buying it - changes subject)
How about you? What have you been up to?
MARY
Nothing very exciting. Freelance work for magazines, ad agencies. IÕve been doing this the past few years. I spent most of the time raising my son, Harold.
EDDIE
Your son. Mary Webster has a son. So youÕre married?
MARY
(uneasy)
No. I never got married. Raising Harold took all my time. HeÕs... special.
EDDIE
Special? Is he retarded?
MARY
No! HeÕs a lawyer.
(laughs)
I didnÕt mean that the way it sounded.
Eddie laughs, but looks at her curiously. A thought crosses his mind...
EDDIE
How old is Harold?
MARY
ItÕs funny you should ask. TodayÕs his birthday. HeÕs thirty-five.
As soon as she says it she knows itÕs a mistake. Eddie does the math in his head.
EDDIE
Thirty-five? ThatÕs when you and Wacky... you and Wacky...
(stunned, puts two and two together)
... YOU AND WACKY?
MARY
I tried to tell you!
EDDIE
When? When did you try to tell me? I think IÕd have listened to this story...
MARY
I tried to tell you the day you fired me, Eddie. Do you remember that day? That was the day I was left with no job and no money after being knocked up by a cartoon!
Eddie glances up and down the street self-consciously.
EDDIE
IÕm sorry, I shouldnÕt have... I donÕt know if workmanÕs comp woulda covered that, anyway...
Calming herself, Mary stops him.
MARY
Forget it, Eddie. That was thirty-five years ago. No offense, but your apology isnÕt going to make me feel better now.
EDDIE
(after a moment)
So howÕd he take it when he found out his dad was a cartoon?
MARY
He doesnÕt know.
Eddie stares at her, stunned.
EDDIE
He doesnÕt know? You never told him? DonÕt you think heÕs a little curious? Especially if he inherited any traits - howÕd you explain it the first time his eyes bugged out of his head or his arms stretched ten feet...?
MARY
They donÕt! HaroldÕs a normal, happy person with a normal, happy marriage living a normal, happy life!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. WEBSTER HOUSE - NIGHT
Harold enters the dark, empty house after a hard day.
HAROLD
Honey! You're not home...
CUT TO:
INT. WEBSTER HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - LATER
Harold changes from his stiff white work shirt into an equally stiff white 'comfortable' shirt.
CUT TO:
INT. WEBSTER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - LATER
Harold sits on the sofa, TV tray in front of him, eating a bland frozen dinner. He watches TV, channel surfing with the remote control.
TV VOICES (o.s.)
('Father Knows Best')
You're my son, Bud. I love you...
(CLICK! 'Leave it to Beaver')
You're my son, Beaver. I love you...
(CLICK! 'The Brady Bunch')
You're my son, Greg. I love you...
(CLICK! 'Lassie')
Woof-woof! What's Lassie trying to say, daddy? She's trying to tell you that you're my son, Timmy, and I love you...
Scowling, Harold clicks off the TV, tossing the remote aside.
CUT TO:
INT. WEBSTER HOUSE - DEN - LATER
Harold works, hunched over his desk as he prepares for the case. All is quiet as he idly begins to whistle 'Happy Birthday', not even realizing he's doing it.
EXT. WEBSTER HOUSE
Late at night, one light burns in the den window as we...
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY
A massive, impressive, intimidating courthouse.
INT. COURTHOUSE - CONFERENCE ROOM
Harold, Bobby, Freddy and Doug sit at a table with MR. ROCKFIELD, an important-looking man - in fact, he's the C.E.O. of G.R. Rollins Tobacco, so that proves it. He puffs on a cigar, a constant cloud of smoke around his head.
ROCKFIELD
Where is she? Let's settle this thing and get the hell outta here...
HAROLD
SheÕs playing power games, making us wait. Leave everything to me.
RACHEL CHRISTOPHER enters. In her early-forties, she's a successful, crafty attorney who relishes her job. She looks at Harold and the others coolly.
RACHEL
Where's Dunn?
HAROLD
Mr. Dunn suffered a stroke. I'll be handling this case.
RACHEL
A stroke, huh? Good for you.
(takes envelope from briefcase)
I reviewed your settlement offer and itÕs a joke. No deal, we go to trial.
She tosses the envelope onto the table. A tense moment. Bobby, Doug and Freddy begin to rummage through their briefcases, avoiding eye contact.
ROCKFIELD
A joke? Five million dollars is a joke?
HAROLD
We made a very generous offer...
RACHEL
Listen, boys - IÕve got a man with terminal cancer suing a tobacco company. Do you know the coverage IÕm gonna get? ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MTV... if you think IÕm settling before this goes to trial youÕre out of your fucking minds.
Bobby, Freddy and Doug continue to rummage through their briefcases as Mr. Rockfield stands angrily.
ROCKFIELD
This is ridiculous! This case is bullshit and you know it, you... you...
RACHEL
Careful! The ÔBÕ word costs an extra ten million in damages.
Rachel grins as she exits. Bobby, Freddy and Doug glance up from their briefcases, exchanging worried looks with Harold.
CUT TO:
INT. COURTROOM - LATER
Harold, Rockfield, Bobby, Freddy and Doug take their seats at the defense table. Julia sits in the gallery behind them, ready to assist. She gives Harold a thumbs-up.
ROCKFIELD
You'd better have your shit together, son. I'm putting the future of my company in your hands.
HAROLD
They don't have a case. We're in great shape. We've just got to stick to the facts and keep emotion out of it...
Everyone turns as the big double doors open, Rachel Christopher helping her client (MR. DEWITT) into the courtroom. A frail, sickly man, DeWitt wheels an oxygen tank behind him, wheezing into an oxygen mask.
HAROLD
WeÕre in trouble.
BAILIFF
(calls out)
All rise...
Everyone stands - spectators gasping as DeWitt swoons and nearly collapses, Rachel catching him. Harold winces.
BAILIFF (cont.)
... Court is in session. The Honorable Judge Bryce Ward presiding.
JUDGE WARD, a bearded, gray-haired man in his mid-sixties, enters. He takes his place behind the bench, bringing the gavel down loudly.
JUDGE WARD
Be seated...
Judge Ward glares at RockfieldÕs big, stinky cigar, turning on a small, battery-powered air filter next to his gavel.
HAROLD
Definite trouble.
JUDGE WARD
Mr. Webster - your opening statement.
Harold stands, addressing the jury. Trying his best to look and sound confident.
HAROLD
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...
But they aren't listening - they're all staring at DeWitt, pity etched on their faces as he wheezes loudly.
HAROLD
(louder)
... Ladies and gentlemen of the jury!
(they turn to him)
What we have here is a question of responsibility. This man is suing a tobacco company because he used their product for thirty years. Used it of his own free will. Before any studies of the product's health side-effects had even been conducted...
(sees Rockfield glaring at him)
... side-effects which have never been proven. This begs the question - at what point does a man take responsibility for his own life? Responsibility for his own choices?
Harold speaks directly to one of the jurors, an old woman. She isn't paying attention - staring at poor, wheezing Mr. DeWitt, a tear rolling down her cheek.
HAROLD
(sighs)
I guess that's all for now...
Harold returns to his seat, muttering to the others.
HAROLD
Big trouble.
ROCKFIELD
Try to put a positive spin on it - he only has one lung, so now he can only smoke half as much.
JUDGE WARD
(calls out)
Ms. Christopher...
Rachel stands, playing to the jury like a pro.
RACHEL
Stanley DeWitt has terminal cancer. Stanley DeWitt smoked G.R. Rollins cigarettes for thirty years. If each cigarette took five minutes of Stanley DeWittÕs precious life away, G.R. Rollins owes him over two years. Two years of sunny days, two years of laughter, two years of happiness - two years of LIFE!
Rachel looks to DeWitt, voice cracking as tears well up in her eyes.
RACHEL (cont.)
But G.R. Rollins canÕt give Stanley DeWitt those two years, those sunny days, that laughter and happiness.
HAROLD
(under his breath)
And the Oscar goes to...
RACHEL (cont.)
(hearing him, glaring)
So how do you place a price on life? WhatÕs a sunny day worth? Maybe if youÕve got lots of sunny days to come, they donÕt seem to be worth as much.
Rachel stands before the defense table, staring daggers at Harold and Rockfield. They both squirm involuntarily.
RACHEL (cont.)
But Stanley DeWitt doesnÕt have many sunny days left. Which is why we want G.R. Rollins to pay Stanley DeWitt one million dollars for every precious day of life their filthy, disgusting, dangerous cigarettes have robbed from him.
She returns to her seat as a murmur rises in the courtroom. Rockfield turns to Harold, who looks numb.
ROCKFIELD
WhatÕs that mean?
HAROLD
It means theyÕre asking for $730 million in damages...
Freddy punches in numbers on a calculator.
FREDDY
Unless sheÕs counting the leap years...
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. WEBSTER HOUSE - NIGHT
The house is dark and silent, Harold leading Bobby, Doug and Freddy to the front door as he fumbles for his keys. They're tired and disheveled - it's been a long day.
HAROLD
We can work here. Angie's at some fundraiser for the lipless, or something.
FREDDY
What'd you do for your birthday last night?
HAROLD
Took it easy. I just wanted it to be a normal day, no goddamn parties.
(opening door)
What a nightmare that'd be - all AngieÕs phony social-climbing friends...
INT. WEBSTER HOUSE
It's pitch black inside, Harold fumbling for the lights.
HAROLD (cont.)
I think the only reason they have friends is so they have someone to bitch about behind their backs. And their husbands! They'll stab you in the back at work, then they're afraid to make a move, give an opinion or laugh at a joke without checking with their wives first. Then there's my relatives... it's just the worst.
Harold finally finds the light switch, flipping it on to reveal a large surprise party... full of pissed off friends and relatives.
FRIENDS & RELATIVES
(forced)
Surprise...
A banner reading 'CONGRATS NEW LAW PARTNER!' hangs from the ceiling. Harold's expression is somewhere between a smile and a grimace. Bobby, Freddy and Doug bite their lips to keep from laughing.
CUT TO:
INT. WEBSTER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - LATER
The party's in full swing. Harold downs a drink, wishing he were anywhere else. A very unhealthy looking old man (UNCLE OLAF) steps up, slapping him on the back.
UNCLE OLAF
Congratulations, Harold! You know, you remind me of myself when I was your age.
(fidgets)
Damn diapers ridin' up on me...
HAROLD
Great. Thanks, Uncle Olaf...
(glances around)
Is there any hard liquor?
HaroldÕs wife ANGIE, a coolly attractive woman in her early thirties, steps up. She gives him a sly grin.
ANGIE
Surprised?
HAROLD
At least. Honey, I appreciate the thought, but I donÕt have time for this. Not to mention the fact that IÕm not actually a partner yet...
ANGIE
You will be. YouÕll win this case and weÕll be on our way.
HAROLD
I wish it was that easy. Do I even know anyone here?
ANGIE
These are the people I worked with on the fundraiser for the homeless. ThereÕs no better place to network.
HAROLD
But why tonight? IÕve got so much work...
Angie leans close, whispering in his ear.
ANGIE
Try to have fun, just for one night. If I donÕt make a good impression IÕll never get invited to the really good parties - destruction of the ozone, animal abuse...
(crosses fingers hopefully)
... crack babies! YouÕre not the only one who wants to move up in the world.
She kisses him on the cheek and is gone. He watches her melt into the crowd when:
MARY (o.s.)
I have a present for the birthday boy...
Harold turns to see Mary smiling gently. She holds an old photo album.
HAROLD
(grins)
Mom...
MARY
Nice party.
HAROLD
I guess. I'm not that big on surprises.
MARY
I know. You hate anything uncontrolled and spontaneous. You've always... almost always... been that way.
(hands him photo album)
Happy birthday, honey.
HAROLD
What's this?
MARY
It's from when you were little. I ran into an old friend yesterday. He made me think it was time you saw it...
Intrigued, Harold opens the photo album to see...
INSERT - PHOTO ALBUM
... an 8 x 10 of Wacky Wolf, flashing a cocky smile at the camera. On the next page is a snapshot of baby Harold at 18 months - eyes bulging, tongue extended, a crazed grin on his face.
INT. HAROLD
stares at the photographs in shock - a sudden surge of pain behind his eyes. He lets out a YELP, grabbing his head and falling to the floor. Everyone gasps, stunned.
CUT TO:
INT. WEBSTER HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - LATER
Harold sits on the bed, sleeves rolled up so that a GUEST can take his blood pressure with a home blood pressure kit. A crowd of partygoers has gathered, concerned.
GUEST
His blood pressure's a little high, but I don't think it'd make him pass out...
HAROLD
I didn't pass out. I just felt this stab of pain behind my eyes, like they were gonna pop out. I'm okay now.
FREDDY
This is just like what happened to Wilfred Dunn, right in the middle of his backhand.
HAROLD
I'm fine. Listen, could I have a minute? I need to talk to my mother.
Everyone nods, filing out the door. Ever the gracious host, Angie calls out brightly.
ANGIE
Charades, anyone?
Harold closes the door, turning to Mary, confused.
HAROLD
What were those, gag photos?
MARY
Oh no - they're real.
HAROLD
All I know is I look at them, and my head feels like it's gonna burst.
MARY
That's your repressed side.
He gives her a look.
MARY (cont.)
I remember when you were little, and the other kids would tease you about not having a father. You'd get this determined look on your face and tell them your dad was a famous movie star. You were closer than you ever imagined.
HAROLD
This is about my father? He was a movie star? That's good - why couldn't you tell me?
(nervous)
He wasn't one of the Three Stooges or something...
MARY
No. Actually he was a famous leading man in the forties and fifties.
HAROLD
(eagerly)
Who was it? Clark Gable? Cary Grant? Humphrey Bogart?
MARY
Do you ever watch cartoons?
HAROLD
No, I hate cartoons.
MARY
What about Wacky Wolf?
HAROLD
With the big bulging eyes? Used to make me cry...
(thinks)
I don't get it - did my father draw Wacky Wolf?
MARY
No...
(opens photo album)
... your father is Wacky Wolf.
Mary shows him a snapshot of she and Wacky on the beach together. He has his arm around her shoulders, howling happily as she laughs. Harold massages his temples in disbelief.
HAROLD
This isn't funny.
MARY
I'm not joking. Thirty-five years ago I was an animator at 'Glee-Toons' cartoons. One day we tested this new projection system, and it worked... much better than we ever imagined. Wacky came out of the cartoon and we had a fling.
HAROLD
Wait a second. YouÕre telling me my dadÕs a wolf? A cartoon wolf?
MARY
Yes.
HAROLD
Uh-huh. So why hasn't he brought Chilly Willy and Daffy Duck over for Thanksgiving dinner?
MARY
It's the truth. This is why I never told you before. I know how crazy it sounds.
HAROLD
I guess thatÕs a positive sign.
(thinks)
Okay, just to play along, letÕs assume he really did come out of the cartoon. How could you and he... you know. Cartoon characters donÕt have a...
(gestures to crotch)
... you know.
MARY
(embarrassed)
I guess thatÕs my fault. It got to be an in-joke with all the girls, but I always drew him with a certain... bulge.
HAROLD
A bulge? Meaning he had a pe--... a di--... a co--... a potty thing?
MARY
(defensively)
Well, why not? He was one of the few cartoon characters who wore pants! It seemed like harmless fun...
HAROLD
IÕm under enough pressure right now. Trying to win this case, become partner, and now...
(looks at Mary sadly)
... I really donÕt need this.
Mary flips through the album, to a photo of baby Harold with grandma and grandpa. He looks more like a cartoon, his eyes SPINNING. He pulls on grandma's hair and grandpa's nose, arms STRETCHED out as if he were made of rubber.
MARY
Yes you do! I thought we were only driving the cartoon urges out of you, but it took away your sense of fun. I see you looking so tense and unhappy now and I worry I might have caused it. I thought this photo album would show you what you really are, what you've been holding back. I want you to be happy again.
HAROLD
(considers)
So... do you think dad can fix me up with Daisy Duck?
Mary grabs a phone book from the nightstand, flipping through the Yellow Pages.
MARY
I'm telling you the truth, Harold. Talk to Eddie Glee! I think he still works in Hollywood... Here...
She hands Harold the phone book. Under the heading 'MOTION PICTURE STUDIOS' we see an ad for 'EDDIE GLEE PRODUCTIONS: CREATOR OF GLEE-TOONS - MASTER OF MIRTH'. A photo of the old, cheerful studio is underneath.
MARY (o.s.)
For me, Harold. Please.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. ÔGLEE-TOONSÕ PRODUCTIONS - DAY
The ÔGlee-ToonsÕ building is now old and run-down - paint peeling, walls cracking, weeds growing. The faded, smog-yellowed statue of Wacky Wolf stands out front. Harold steps up, looking at the statue thoughtfully as he knocks on the front door.
HAROLD
A cartoon. My dadÕs a cartoon. I canÕt believe IÕm here.
The door creaks open, Eddie answering in full Wacky Wolf costume. Harold jumps in surprise.
HAROLD
Yaaaaah!
Eddie pulls off the head, squinting at Harold.
EDDIE
Sorry. IÕm on my way out. Whaddaya want?
HAROLD
Are you Eddie Glee?
EDDIE
Yeah.
HAROLD
Creator of ÔGlee-ToonsÕ?
EDDIE
Yeah...
HAROLD
Master of mirth?
EDDIE
(growls, irritated)
Yeah! What the hell do you want?
HAROLD
Uh, my mom used to work for you. So did my dad, supposedly...
EDDIE
WeÕre not hiring.
HAROLD
IÕm not looking for work.
EDDIE
Then buzz off!
Eddie SLAMS the door in HaroldÕs face. Not sure what to do, Harold calls out:
HAROLD
My mother is Mary Webster!
After a moment the door opens again, Eddie staring at him curiously.
CUT TO:
INT. 'GLEE-TOONS' - SCREENING ROOM
Dark, cluttered and dusty, the screening room is filled with old cameras, drawing tables, storyboards and posters. Still in the wolf costume, Eddie turns on the light, frying pan in his hand. Harold is close behind.
EDDIE
This is where it all happened.
Some of the seats still have holes in them, the curtains still charred. Harold bumps into a life-size cardboard cut-out of Wacky Wolf, jumping in fright. Eddie laughs as he scampers into the projection booth.
EDDIE
Calm down, son - that's just a cut-out. Your dad's in here...
INT. PROJECTION BOOTH
Harold glances in as Eddie steps to a complex (circa 1959) projector, flipping switches and twisting knobs.
EDDIE
I almost feel like a grandfather or something. Have a seat, this thing takes a minute to warm up. Used to have to wear a helmet to make things seem real. But that had certain... side effects.
HAROLD
(skeptical)
How does it work?
EDDIE
Hell if I know. Hell if anyone knows. What I do know is that this machine turns out fully dimensional, living cartoons - and it's dangerous. Cartoons do and say everything we can't. A character like Wacky has no idea what's right and what's wrong. That's why he has to stay in here. Not to mention all the property damage I was liable for...
Eddie turns on the projector, which rattles and groans to life. He steps out of the booth, looking at Harold closely.
EDDIE
You got your mother's looks... You're lucky.
INT. SCREENING ROOM
They watch as the cartoon credits rush by onscreen, dissolving to the familiar farmyard scene. But the characters are nowhere to be found. After a moment Shep the hound dog walks into frame, looking out.
SHEP
Hey, Eddie's here! Gee, is it poker night already?
EDDIE
I've got someone here who'd like to meet Wacky.
SHEP
YouÕre letting him out again? AinÕt that kinda dumb after the last time...?
EDDIE
ItÕs important.
SHEP
Du-uuh... IÕll go get him. But I donÕt think itÕs very smart - and IÕm the dim-witted one...
Shep moves off, shaking his head as a tiny mouse (MELVIN) wanders into frame. Looking out at Eddie, he speaks in an adorably high-pitched, squeaky voice.
MELVIN MOUSE
Hiya, Eddie! I hope you brought cigars, I'm almost out...
(in loud, booming voice)
POKER NIGHT!!! GET THE CARD TABLE!!!
Farmer John, Brawny Bull and the Homely Cow ZIP into frame with a card table, complete with cards and chips. One of the pigs JUMPS OFFSCREEN. It walks past Eddie and Harold to a refrigerator, pulls out a twelve pack of beer, and hops back ONSCREEN. Harold turns to Eddie uneasily.
HAROLD
This is a trick... I know this is a trick...
MELVIN MOUSE
Hey Eddie, you in? Comic-strip poker...
EDDIE
Not today. IÕm here to talk to Wacky.
BRAWNY BULL
YouÕre letting him out?
FARMER JOHN
AinÕt that kinda stupid after last time...?
Harold glances to the frying pan in EddieÕs hand, growing more nervous.
HAROLD
What's with the frying pan?
EDDIE
To whack 'em on the head. It's the only way to control a cartoon character.
HAROLD
This is definitely a trick...
Onscreen, SWEETY SQUIRREL steps up, speaking in a squeaky, adorable voice. The others cartoons all groan.
SWEETY SQUIRREL
Are you guys sure you should be gambling? IsnÕt there something more constructive you could do?
MELVIN MOUSE
Aw, shut up with that already. IÕve had it up to here with your sweet, lovable, cutesy, kill-a-diabetic-at-thirty-paces attitude. Thirty-five years...
(lights cigar - Sweety opens mouth)
And if you tell me one more time I shouldnÕt smoke I swear IÕm gonna drop a boulder on your head.
Sweety sighs (adorably) as Shep returns with a tiny glass bottle of India ink. We can HEAR WackyÕs muffled voice inside.
WACKY (o.s.)
Lemme out! Cramps! IÕm sitting on my keys!!!
EDDIE
(taking bottle from Shep)
Okay, let me have him - and everybody stand back...
WACKY (o.s.)
Either let me out or quit shaking the bottle - youÕre ruining my TV reception!
Eddie cautiously unscrews the cap. He removes the dropper, squeezing it - Wacky SPILLING OUT into his full-size self. Wacky creaks as he stretches.
WACKY
ItÕs about time! HowÕd you like to be cooped up in a bottle for thirty years with your foot in your mouth... literally!
Harold watches Wacky in stunned silence.
WACKY
(to other cartoons onscreen)
Hey, guys! How's the game going? Losing the pelts off your backs?
The other characters only grunt, absorbed in their game. Wacky scowls at Eddie impatiently.
WACKY
Long time no see, Eddie...
(notices EddieÕs costume)
Nice outfit - I thought when you got older you were only supposed to grow hair out of your ears.
EDDIE
There's someone here who'd like to meet you.
Wacky sizes up Harold, unimpressed.
WACKY
Lemme guess, youÕre a big fan.
(changes into dashing movie star garb)
Seen alla my films. Memorized the lines. Thrilled to meet me. Well, who could blame you. Want my autograph? Viola!
Wacky autographs HaroldÕs forehead with a flourish. Still certain this is all some elaborate hoax, Harold reaches out, poking Wacky with his finger. Realizing heÕs solid, and must be REAL, Harold screams. Taking a step back he trips over a pile of film reels, CRASHING to the ground.
WACKY
(judging HaroldÕs pratfall)
Not bad - coulda maybe spun your arms around more and made a funny noise...
Harold sits up, film curling on his head like a wig, two projector lenses making his eyes look huge, and two film reels snapping in his mouth like duck bills.
WACKY
This guy seems familiar... He reminds me of somebody...
HAROLD
I guess my mom's not crazy... I am...
WACKY
Crazy? Look, if youÕre trying to impress Jodie Foster, find yourself another celebrity...
Brushing himself off, Harold stands, face to face with his father for the first time. As if mirror images, they each brush their hair (or ear) out of their eyes, letting out a whistling sigh - which unnerves them both.
HAROLD WACKY
Hey, now... Hey, now...
They fix their coats and ties - identically.
HAROLD WACKY
... Now cut that out! ... Now cut that out!
They lean into each other, irritated.
HAROLD WACKY
Why you... Why you...
Wacky breaks the illusion first.
WACKY
Okay, Eddie - whatÕs the gag?
EDDIE
Remember 1959? Remember when you got out?
WACKY
Yeah. I had a blast!
(jitterbugs)
I learned to dance...
(clasps hands, hearts FLOATING)
... learned to romance, learned to...
(pelvic thrust)
... do a lot of things.
He HOWLS lustily, pounding his foot on the ground. Wiping the autograph from his forehead, Harold swallows hard, working up his courage.
HAROLD
I know you did... dad.
WACKY
(stops howling - did he hear right?)
Dad?
EDDIE
Remember Mary Webster?
Wacky's eyes literally LIGHT UP in recognition, a BONG sound going off. He points to Harold, stunned.
WACKY
You mean she... and I... and then he...?
Wacky's mouth opens wide in a surprised scream. His tongue sticks out and also screams. Wacky's eyes shoot out through his mouth, inspect Harold, and they scream. VIBRATING, he starts BOUNCING all over the basement, ricocheting off the walls. Eddie clutches his frying pan worriedly. The other characters calmly look up from their poker game.
MELVIN MOUSE
Overacting again. No wonder we never outgrossed Bugs Bunny...
Wacky finally comes to a stop in front of Harold. He is in complete control again, now smoking a pipe and wearing a ÔFather Knows BestÕ sport coat with patches on the elbows.
WACKY
I'm a dad, huh?
(JAMS cigar into EddieÕs mouth)
Lemme get a better look at the little nipper.
Wacky shoves a baby bottle into HaroldÕs mouth. He quickly feeds him, burps him and diapers him.
WACKY
Hmmmm, big for your age... walking and talking already...
(pats HaroldÕs gut)
... DonÕt worry, youÕll outgrow this baby fat.
Harold tries to speak, but WackyÕs all over him, pinching his cheeks, ruffling his hair, playing Ôgot your noseÕ.
WACKY (cont.)
I think IÕll name you... Goofy! No, thatÕs taken... Daffy!
No... Wacky, Jr.!
HAROLD
My nameÕs Harold.
WACKY
(distastefully)
ÔHaroldÕ, huh? What kinda name is that for a cartoon?
HAROLD
IÕm not a cartoon!
WACKY
YouÕre my son! My heir! Fruit of my looms! This is great! I can give you baths, tell you bedtime stories, teach you to read - better than that faygeleh Big Bird, anyway...
EDDIE
(checks his watch)
We're gonna have to cut this short. I've got a party full of kids to traumatize.
HAROLD
(removing diaper)
What, so soon? Can't I talk with my... father... for a few minutes?
WACKY
Yeah, Eddie - c'mon! You tell me I got a son, then you make me get back onscreen? Can't you see there's feelings here? Emotions? Love, even?
Wacky's heart pounds, STRETCHING out from his chest with each beat. Eddie is unmoved.
EDDIE
Sorry. There's no way I'm leaving you unguarded.
HAROLD
Please, let me stay. I'll hold the frying pan. You don't know how long I've waited for this.
WACKY
Yeah! To find out that youÕve fathered a son - a chip off the old block... it gives your life purpose, meaning! And now you just want to wrench him away from me...
(dramatically - to the heavens)
I curse you and I curse the gods who kept him from me, and I vow that no one will tear us asunder again!!!
(to Melvin Mouse)
LetÕs see Bugs Bunny do THAT...
Eddie puts a hand on HaroldÕs shoulder, turning and speaking in hushed tones. He doesn't see Wacky slip away...
EDDIE
(nods to cartoons onscreen)
Listen, they donÕt know this, but IÕm broke. No one wants new cartoons from an old man. If I donÕt make some money IÕm gonna lose this place. And if that happens, I donÕt know whatÕs gonna happen to them.
Harold nods his understanding, turning to see Wacky back ONSCREEN, motionless.
EDDIE
I donÕt have time to put you back in the bottle, Wacky. So IÕm gonna trust you. But any mischief and IÕm gonna put you in a fountain pen next time, got it?
HAROLD
I'll come back soon. I promise...
Wacky can't even respond, standing stiff as the cardboard cut-out. Eddie turns off the projector, which winds down slowly, the picture onscreen gradually fading away.
EDDIE
He'll always be here, son. He's not going anywhere...
They walk past the flat cardboard cut-out of Wacky... it's nose POPPING OUT INTO SHAPE, the rest of the body EXPANDING into three dimensions as Wacky grins slyly. He tiptoes out behind them.
CUT TO:
EXT. ÔGLEE-TOONSÕ PRODUCTIONS - DAY
Harold walks to his car, Wacky sneaking through the bushes behind him. Tiptoeing into the open, Wacky steps on a stick, which breaks with a loud CRACK. Harold turns at the sound, but sees nothing. Shrugging, he turns, the statue of Wacky seeming to reach up as Wacky PEELS himself off the front. Wacky sneaks up behind Harold, matching him step for step. Feeling something, Harold whips around, then back, then back again - Wacky managing to stay behind him the whole time.
HAROLD
I must be losing my mind...
(shaking head)
What am I talking about? Of course IÕm losing my mind...
Harold opens his car door. Before he can climb in Wacky taps him on the left shoulder. When Harold turns to see who it is, Wacky ZIPS around his right side into the back seat. Getting a serious case of the creeps, Harold hurriedly climbs into the car, driving off.
CUT TO:
INT. HAROLDÕS CAR - DAY
Harold talks on a car phone, glancing at his watch. WackyÕs eyes POP over the back of the seat, joined by his ears, head and nose - mouth breaking into a mischievous grin at the sight of Harold.
HAROLD
... Tell Rockfield to calm down, IÕll be there in five minutes. I had some... legal stuff to attend to.
As he hangs up, Wacky covers HaroldÕs eyes with his hands.
WACKY
Guess who?
Harold screams in surprise as they BASH into the car in front of them.
HAROLD
Oh, shit!
WACKY
Hey! You didnÕt get a ÔcensoredÕ sign over your mouth. HowÕd you do that?
HAROLD
How did you get here?
WACKY
Happy? Father and son reunited. Heartwarming, ainÕt it? WhereÕs the music? There should be violin music on the soundtrack...
They look up as a HUGE MAN climbs out of the car ahead of them, rubbing his neck angrily.
HUGE MAN
Get out of the car, dickhead!
WACKY
(yells, shaking fist)
Hey, buddy - ____ ___, _______!
WackyÕs voice cuts out, a ÔCENSOREDÕ sign stamped over his mouth. He shrugs.
WACKY
(sign disappearing)
See?
Harold climbs out of the car, shaken.
HAROLD
Stay here! Sit! Stay! Good boy... er, dad... whatever...
WACKY
CÕmon, let me handle it. This is a classic comic situation for me!
EXT. INTERSECTION
Harold steps out of the car, surveying the fender bender. Before he can apologize the Huge Man shoves him roughly.
HUGE MAN
Why donÕt you look where youÕre driving, asswipe?
HAROLD
Hey, take it easy.
HUGE MAN
(points)
And keep that ugly dog locked in your car!
Wacky hears this, the car beginning to VIBRATE as he gets mad.
WACKY
Ugly dog?!! Why I oughta pound him with a sledgehammer until he cracks into dozens of little copies of himself running everywhere... if it wasnÕt such a clichŽ...
A crowd begins to gather as the Huge Man rubs his neck.
HUGE MAN
Ooooh! My neck! It feels like IÕve compressed my third and fourth vertebrae. I may be paralyzed!
HAROLD
Paralyzed? YouÕre walking around!
HUGE MAN
No, IÕm paralyzed! I can just walk around Ôcuz IÕm in shock. This is gonna cost you, buddy. Wait! My legs are going numb...
Harold starts to speak as the Huge Man moves forward - a traffic light dropping with a loud CRASH behind him. Harold looks up in disbelief.
HAROLD
Oh no!
PAN UP TO REVEAL Wacky sitting on top of the light post, an angelic look on his face, HALO floating above his head.
WACKY
Ooops... slipped.
The crowd watches in stunned silence as Wacky SWINGS around the pole, laughing happily. Letting go, he arcs into the air, executing a perfect swan dive, SPINNING to land on his feet with a flourish, arms spread wide.
WACKY
Ta-daaaaa! Not bad, eh folks? Two shows a day, matinees Saturday and Sunday, right after the newsreel. Tell your friends.
(drapes friendly arm around Huge ManÕs shoulders)
By the way, I thought IÕd mention, just so ya know... IÕM NOT AN UGLY DOG!!!
He pulls a large cartoon MALLET from his pocket, BONKING the Huge Man on the head. Harold watches helplessly, not sure what to do.
HAROLD
Why couldnÕt my dad have been a cute little chipmunk, or an adorable squirrel...?
Fists up and feet shuffling like a boxer, Wacky glares at the Huge Man, who sits in the street, dazed.
WACKY
Okay, ya big lug-nut - ya want some more? You and me. Mano a wolfo. Did you ever see ÔFly-Weight WolfÕ?
Hearing a police SIREN in the distance, Harold grabs Wacky by the collar, YANKING him backwards.
WACKY (cont.)
I can take ya with -- ulp!
Shoving Wacky into the car Harold jumps in, gunning the engine and speeding off. People come to the aid of the Huge Man, who rubs the top of his head.
HUGE MAN
I want my lawyer! My head is sprained! What kind of psycho dresses his dog in a coat and tie?
CUT TO:
INT. HAROLDÕS CAR - DAY
Hurrying away from the scene, Harold drives angrily while Wacky continues to punch and jab.
WACKY
Didja see that? One shot and heÕs down for the count. No rolling eyes, no bird calls... what a pitiful performance.
HAROLD
(beside himself)
What were you DOING? You canÕt go around dropping traffic lights on peoplesÕ heads! They squish and die.
WACKY
They really squish and die? Jeez, people have no sense of humor...
HAROLD
IÕm taking you back. Mr. Glee was right, you are dangerous!
WACKY
Somebody hadda do something! You were gonna let that big palooka walk all over you. How will you ever become a featured cartoon with an attitude like that?
HAROLD
IÕm not a cartoon!
WACKY
(not listening)
Not to mention the fact that he insulted your father. ÔUgly dogÕ - you ever see an ugly dog in a coat like this? Tweed, maybe. But nothing with this quality...
HAROLD
I canÕt handle this. I feel like my headÕs going to explode.
WACKY
Funny gag.
(looks out window)
Call me crazy, but I have this strange desire to stick my head out the window and wag my tail.
He does. We hear the SCREECHING of tires and cars CRASHING as Harold grabs him, pulling him back inside.
HAROLD
CanÕt you sit still for one minute? Is it so hard? What the hell are you doing here, anyway?
WACKY
IÕm here to make you happy! You seemed you could use some cheering up so I thought, ÔHey! IÕm Wacky Wolf, professional joy-bringer and laugh-getter. If I canÕt cheer my own son up I oughta throw in the towel.Õ So whatÕs today? Father-son day at the amusement park? A game of catch? Visiting your school to talk with your teachers?
HAROLD
No, IÕve got to be in court in...
(groans)
Court!
WACKY
Court? YouÕre on trial? My sonÕs a criminal! What did you do? Blackmail, kidnapping, MURDER??? No wonder youÕre so grumpy...
HAROLD
IÕm not a criminal, IÕm a lawyer!
(thinks)
I didnÕt mean that the way it sounded...
WACKY
Things are sure different since last time I was out. The buildings, the roads, the cars...
(grabs steering wheel)
Can I drive?
EXT. ROAD
The car CAREENS down the road, other cars SWERVING and pedestrians SCATTERING as Harold and Wacky fight over the wheel.
HAROLD (o.s.)
Stop it!
WACKY (o.s.)
ItÕll be fun!
HAROLD (o.s.)
Let go!
WACKY (o.s.)
Didja see the look on that guyÕs face?
CUT TO:
EXT. INTERSECTION - DAY
The Huge Man sits on the curb, bag of ice on his head as DETECTIVE ARNIE FLEEBER, a streetwise cop in his late 30Õs, takes his statement.
FLEEBER
Can you describe the man who struck you on the head?
HUGE MAN
I told ya, it wasnÕt a man. It was this big dog-thing, except it walked on its hind legs and spun around the pole and wore clothes and talked. Like some kinda cartoon or something.
Fleeber closes his notepad, smiling politely as he moves off.
FLEEBER
Cartoon, right. Thank you, Mr. Dibble.
HUGE MAN
(stands, calling after him)
IÕll tell ya one thing - if I ever catch that freak IÕm gonna sue his furry brown butt for everything he has! Did I tell you I may be paralyzed...?
FLEEBER
(to another officer)
I donÕt think the suspect is the only one whoÕs ÔLooney TunesÕ...
They both laugh as we...
CUT TO:
EXT. COURTHOUSE - PARKING LOT - DAY
HaroldÕs car zips into a space, lurching to a halt.
INT. HAROLDÕS CAR
Harold reaches into the back seat, grabbing an athletic bag. Wacky stares out the window excitedly.
WACKY
Lookit this! You live here? You must be loaded! I donÕt know if IÕd-a gone for the pillar-and-marble-hey-IÕm-pretentious look, but thatÕs a personal thing...
HAROLD
I donÕt live here. This is the courthouse. I work here. And if I donÕt get inside right now IÕm not gonna work anywhere.
WACKY
Work, hide, whine and complain - what kind of dull cartoon character have I fathered?
HAROLD
IÕm not a cartoon! IÕm a man. Here, put this on...
Harold takes a big hooded sweatshirt and baseball cap out of the bag, pulling them over WackyÕs head. He grabs a pair of AngieÕs big sunglasses from the glove box, putting them on WackyÕs face.
HAROLD
There. IÕll be back as soon as I can. Just sit here and behave. And stay low. Can you do that?
WACKY
Do I have a choice? I can barely move in this thing.
HAROLD
I mean it! No bouncing, no running around, no squishing anyone...
WACKY
(grumbling)
No fun.
HAROLD
Exactly! Just like a normal human being.
Grabbing his briefcase, Harold climbs out of the car, Wacky calling after him disgustedly.
WACKY
Are you sure your mom didnÕt have a fling with Elmer Fudd? Hey, crack the window! You wanna fry my brain?
CUT TO:
INT. COURTROOM - DAY
Harold steps into the courtroom, where the trial is in session. Harold scurries to his seat. Bobby, Freddy and Doug are relieved to see him, Rockfield glaring angrily. Warren sits in the gallery next to Julia, also plenty pissed off.
HAROLD
WhatÕs going on? WhyÕd you start?
BOBBY
The Judge got tired of waiting. Did you know he spits when he yells?
HAROLD
Tell me something. Do I look... oh, I dunno... cartoonish at all to you?
BOBBY
Cartoonish?
(looks at him closely)
Maybe in a dorky Hector Heathcoat kind of way...
Harold frowns as we...
CUT TO:
INT. HAROLDÕS CAR - DAY
Wacky plays with the knobs and dials on the dashboard, bored.
WACKY
ÔSit and behaveÕ. ItÕs not bad enough I find out my sonÕs human, heÕs gotta be a BORING human!
(brightens)
I can sit and wait inside. Who says I gotta be boring, too?
He hops out of the car happily, sprinting toward the courthouse.
CUT TO:
INT. COURTROOM - DAY
Rachel finishes questioning a witness (DR. DOBBS).
RACHEL
... So, Dr. Dobbs, in your opinion, did smoking G.R. Rollins cigarettes cause my clientÕs... ill health?
DR. DOBBS
Yes, I believe it did.
Rachel turns to Harold, whoÕs shuffling desperately through his briefcase.
RACHEL
Your witness. Glad you could join us, Mr. Webster.
There is a snicker from the gallery as Harold leans to Bobby, whispering.
HAROLD
Okay, uh... who is this guy again?
ROCKFIELD
DonÕt you know?
BOBBY
(slips Harold notes)
Dr. Morton Dobbs - their medical expert.
Judge Ward calls out impatiently.
JUDGE WARD
Mr. Webster?
ROCKFIELD
(seething)
Why donÕt you know that?
HAROLD
ItÕs been a tough day. See, last night my mother...
JUDGE WARD
Mr. Webster! Sometime today...
Beginning to sweat, Harold steps to the bench, looking to the Judge hopefully.
HAROLD
Uh, your honor? I request a five minute recess...
JUDGE WARD
WeÕve already had more recesses than a kindergarten class waiting for you to arrive. Do you have any questions for this witness, Mr. Webster?
HAROLD
(bluffing)
Sure I do.
JUDGE WARD
Then ask them!!!
Nervous, Harold starts to brush the hair back out of his eyes, letting out a whistling sigh - stopping himself self-consciously.
CUT TO:
INT. COURTHOUSE - CORRIDOR - DAY
Wacky tries to walk nonchalantly down the corridor, hood up and dark glasses on. But he only succeeds in drawing stares - especially the furry brown tail protruding from the back of his pants. Approaching the courtroom, he peers through the window in the door, grinning when he sees...
INT. COURTROOM - DAY
... Harold step to the witness stand, nervous and unprepared. He seems shaky, stressed out, on the jagged edge of panic.
HAROLD
Dr. Dobbs... has it been scientifically proven that cigarette smoking alone causes cancer?
DR. DOBBS
Yes, it has.
HAROLD
No it hasnÕt.
DR. DOBBS
(confused)
Yes it has.
HAROLD
YouÕve been able to control the tests, eliminating all outside influences? And cigarettes were the sole cause of cancer?
DR. DOBBS
Yes, they were.
HAROLD
No they werenÕt.
DR. DOBBS
Yes they were!
HAROLD
No they werenÕt!
DR. DOBBS
Yes they were!
HAROLD
(reversing)
Yes they were!
DR. DOBBS
(reversing)
No they werenÕt!
HAROLD
Yes they were!
DR. DOBBS
(angrily)
No they werenÕt, and thatÕs final!
(stops)
Hey...
There is laughter from the gallery as they realize whatÕs just happened. Judge Ward bangs the gavel for order. Rachel stands, outraged.
RACHEL
Your honor, heÕs leading the witness...
HAROLD
No IÕm not.
RACHEL
Yes you are!
HAROLD
No IÕm not!
RACHEL
Yes you are!
The Judge cuts in, voice booming.
JUDGE WARD
Order! I will not have this courtroom turned into a Bugs Bunny cartoon!
(to Dr. Dobbs)
Dr. Dobbs - can you say with 100% certainty that cigarettes alone cause cancer?
DR. DOBBS
(sighs)
No, I canÕt.
Grinning, Harold lets out a crazy laugh, sticking his tongue out at Rachel.
HAROLD
Nyeah!
Turning, he hops onto the JudgeÕs bench, grabbing him by the ears.
HAROLD
Thanks, Judge!
(gives Judge big, wet smooch)
No more questions!
Harold does a BACKFLIP off the bench as Bobby, Freddy, Doug, Rockfield and Warren stare at him uncertainly. Julia covers her mouth, trying not to laugh.
EXT. COURTHOUSE - CORRIDOR
Wacky smiles, impressed by HaroldÕs performance.
WACKY
Hmmmm... maybe the kidÕs got potential after all.
SECURITY GUARD (o.s.)
Can I help you, buddy...?
Both WackyÕs pupils move into one eye as he glances sideways to see a burly SECURITY GUARD approaching. Gulping loudly, he pretends not to hear as a crowd starts to gather.
SECURITY GUARD
Hey, you in the sweatshirt...
WACKY
(sweating)
Be good... be good...
SECURITY GUARD
Hey pal, you wanna lend me your ear...?
That does it. Wacky reaches up for his ears and we hear two loud POPPING sounds.
WACKY
Take two, theyÕre small!
As the Security Guard SCREAMS we...
CUT TO:
INT. COURTROOM
There is a commotion outside the courtroom, Harold not noticing as he takes his seat, muttering to himself.
HAROLD
IÕm not a cartoon... IÕm not a cartoon...
Everyone turns as they hear a loud HOWL and WOOPING SOUND, the back wall VIBRATING as the doors RATTLE.
JUDGE WARD
Bailiff - whatÕs going on out there?
BAILIFF
(peering out door - monotone)
Just some guy running across the walls, sir.
CUT TO:
INT. COURTHOUSE - CORRIDOR
Wacky RACES around the courthouse walls, defying gravity as several Security Guards try to grab him. He grows tired, FALLING to the ground with a THUD.
WACKY
Whew! This gravity stuff is tough to get used to...
The Security Guards POUNCE on Wacky, trying to subdue him.
WACKY
Help! Help! Police brutality! Is there a lawyer in the place?
Everyone in the crowd looks at the ceiling or floor, whistling innocently.
SECURITY GUARD
What the hell... somebody give us a hand!
WACKY
Here - have mine...
WackyÕs hands FLY off his wrists, SLAPPING the Security Guards like a Three Stooges routine.
CUT TO:
INT. COURTROOM
Everyone stares at the doors, where the Bailiff watches the action. Everyone but Harold, head still in his hands.
SECURITY GUARD (o.s.)
What the matter with you? Do you have your head up your ass?
(a SQUISHING sound)
Aaaaaaaauuuggghhh!!!
Grimacing, the Bailiff turns to the Judge, drawing his gun.
BAILIFF
IÕll be right back, your Honor. Some guy in a wolf suit is doing things IÕd rather not describe.
Harold snaps to attention at the mention of a wolf suit, realizing WackyÕs loose.
HAROLD
I need a ten minute recess, your Honor!
JUDGE WARD
(tiredly)
Of course you do... Why couldnÕt I get a nice quiet murder trial?
CUT TO:
INT. ADJOINING COURTROOM
Another trial is in progress, the DISTRICT ATTORNEY giving his summation to the JURY.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY
My colleague would have you believe his client is innocent because he watched too many violent cartoons as a child. Do you honestly believe CARTOONS could inspire such violent behavior?
Just then Wacky BURSTS in, chased by a dozen guards. He sprints around the room, eluding their grasp as they topple chairs, tables, and knock people to the floor.
WACKY
CÕmon guys - donÕt you have to pass some kinda physical to get this job? Jeez...
The judge calls for order, banging his gavel. Wacky snatches it out of his hands, gleefully HAMMERING the guards with it.
WACKY
Come on guys - letÕs hammer out our differences...
Wacky then grabs a marker from a courtroom artist, drawing a circle on the wall. He tries to jump through the ÔholeÕ, only to smash against the wall with a SPLAT.
WACKY
Ow! This three dimensional stuff is tricky...
Before the guards can gather themselves, he DARTS back out the door. Bruised and battered, the JURORS look to one another, and then to the judge.
JURORS
(in unison)
Not guilty!
CUT TO:
INT. COURTHOUSE - CORRIDOR
Rachel angrily leaves the courtroom, dragging Mr. DeWitt impatiently.
RACHEL
This is pathetic! IÕve never seen the bench coddle a defense lawyer so much...
DEWITT
Yeah, yeah... When can I get rid of all this medical equipment? ItÕs destroying my golf game...
Suddenly Wacky SMASHES through the door of the adjoining courtroom, ÔwoopÕ-ing happily. Running past a confused Rachel, he suddenly turns and grabs her in his arms.
WACKY
Hey, doll. A lovely girl like you deserves something just as lovely. Something like... THIS!
Wacky reaches into the sweatshirt pocket, pulling out one of HaroldÕs smelly old jockstraps and thrusting it into RachelÕs face.
WACKY
Wait! My suit pulls out flowers! WhatÕs wrong with the pockets on this thing? Cheap live-action fabrics...
He HOWLS, planting a HUGE, WET KISS on RachelÕs lips, then runs off again, leaving her dazed. She and DeWitt both stand there, wheezing.
CUT TO:
INT. COURTROOM
Hearing the HOWL, Harold tries to gather his things as Rockfield stands angrily.
ROCKFIELD
ThatÕs it! I want a new lawyer! IÕll even take the guy with the aneurysm!
Rockfield storms off, Warren snarling at Harold.
WARREN
You better have your shit together by tomorrow morning or IÕll see that you never work as a lawyer again.
Warren scrambles after Rockfield. Harold looks to Julia, who smiles understandingly. She is about to say something when there are more CRASHES and SCREAMS outside, Harold grabbing his briefcase and rushing out.
CUT TO:
EXT. COURTHOUSE - PARKING LOT
Harold steps out of the courthouse, a PERFECT OUTLINE of Wacky blasted through the door. He follows a trail of dazed people, collapsed convertibles and dented autos to find Wacky in the passenger seat of his car, casually stretching as he pretends to wake.
WACKY
Done already? How long have I been asleep?
He flashes a big, innocent grin. Harold can only sigh as we...
CUT TO:
INT. ÔGLEE-TOONSÕ - SCREENING ROOM - DAY
Eddie sits near the back of the theatre, sketching in a pad. The projector runs, the FarmerÕs Daughter stepping to the edge of the frame and calling out to Eddie.
FARMERÕS DAUGHTER
Hiya, Eddie. Whatcha doing?
EDDIE
(looks up, smiles fondly)
IÕm working up some new ideas. I talked to some people at ABC, and they said if I could come up with a new character theyÕd consider developing it for Saturday mornings.
FARMERÕS DAUGHTER
Can I see?
Eddie walks toward the screen, holding up his sketch pad to reveal a drawing of:
EDDIE
Goofy Grub! It taps into that whole insect underworld kinda thing thatÕs never really been explored in cartoons. Plus I didnÕt want to do another cute, furry animal, I wanted Ôem to see I can still do daring, risky work. Whaddaya think?
FARMERÕS DAUGHTER
(smiles encouragingly)
I think itÕs great. YÕknow, IÕve been thinking about you, Eddie. IÕve been thinking about our nights together. ItÕs been a long time.
EDDIE
(blushes)
Yeah, I know. And they were great, but...
FARMERÕS DAUGHTER
They were more than great. Remember the barn? Remember the hayloft? Remember the saddle?
(smiles seductively)
Come on, Eddie. Put on the helmet.
EDDIE
No. Not the helmet. Not anymore. I like you, but weÕre not the same.
FARMERÕS DAUGHTER
We were those nights. Put on the helmet, Eddie.
EDDIE
What about the others?
(gestures to Wacky cut-out)
What about Wacky? HeÕd be more than willing...
The FarmerÕs Daughter walks toward Wacky, frowning.
FARMERÕS DAUGHTER
This stick in the mud? I tried to talk to him and he ignored me. Just stood there with that stupid look on his face...
She smacks him lightly on the back of the head... Wacky falling forward to reveal that itÕs the cardboard cut-out. EddieÕs eyes go wide.
EDDIE
(groans)
Not again.
FARMERÕS DAUGHTER
What does this mean, Eddie?
EDDIE
It means itÕs wolf hunting season...
CUT TO:
INT. HAROLDÕS CAR - DAY
Harold and Wacky ride in tense silence. Trying to break the mood, Wacky makes a goofy face at Harold - eyes BULGING and tongue DANGLING - getting no reaction. He tries another one... and another... and another - making hundreds of silly faces in a matter of seconds, until he finally falls back, panting in exhaustion.
WACKY
Boy, tough room...
(sits up)
You canÕt take me back! IÕm your father! Daddy! Poppykins! We need to bond, share quality time together!
HAROLD
WhereÕd you learn phrases like that?
WACKY
Daytime talk shows. Eddie put in cable TV last year. I mean, even the maroons on ÔGeraldoÕ give their dads a chance.
(becomes Geraldo)
Illegitimate hermaphrodite children of Oprah and Phil who prefer Regis and Cathie Lee, on the next ÔGeraldoÕ...
(back to himself)
I could teach you all sorts of neat stuff. I could really bring out the cartoon in you.
HAROLD
ThereÕs no cartoon in me!
WACKY
Aw, cÕmon. What was that performance in the courtroom? The wordplay, the backflip, the smooch? Face it, kiddo - youÕve got ink in yer veins!
HAROLD
ThatÕs it! ThereÕs no way you can stay here. IÕve got too much to worry about without you running around...
Wacky fixes him with a pathetic stare, eyes MOIST and PUPPY-LIKE. Harold tries not to look at him.
HAROLD (cont.)
I mean it! YouÕre too wild, too unpredictable, too... unnatural.
WACKY
(bottom lip quivers)
I understand... son...
Harold struggles not to look, his resolve weakening as Wacky edges closer, sniffling, TEARS welling up. Harold finally sneaks a peek, groaning.
HAROLD
Oh, all right! But just for a little while, and only if youÕre good. No wild behavior, no destroying property, and no squishing anybody.
WACKY
(snaps back to normal)
Yes! You wonÕt regret it! Wacky and Son-of-Wacky! Whatta team! So where am I gonna stay? The Ritz? The Hilton? The Ambassador? I know, letÕs join the Army - that always leads to some good gags...
Harold sighs, frowning thoughtfully as we...
CUT TO:
INT. MARYÕS HOUSE - DAY
The doorbell RINGS, Mary hurrying out of the living room. She opens the door and Harold steps quickly inside, closing the door behind him.
HAROLD
Hi, mom.
MARY
Harold - is everything all right? Did you talk to Eddie?
HAROLD
Mom, I have a surprise for you. A really big surprise. Are you ready?
Harold opens the door, Wacky leaping inside.
WACKY
Hi, honey - IÕm home!
Mary stares at Wacky... grabbing a picture off the wall and hurling it at him.
WACKY
(ducking)
Ooooh, close. You gotta keep your shoulder up and snap your wrist...
MARY
Are you crazy? I told you to talk to Eddie Glee, not to bring this weasel back out!
WACKY
Darling - IÕm a wolf, remember?
MARY
This son-of-a-bitch...
WACKY
Snookums, letÕs leave my mother out of this...
MARY
... wolf in sheepÕs clothing...
WACKY
This isnÕt wool, itÕs genuine silk!
Wacky dodges a flying statuette, which SMASHES against the wall behind him.
WACKY (cont.)
(judging her throw)
Better. But remember to follow through.
Confused, Harold tries to step in.
HAROLD
Wait! Mom, this is your long lost love - my dad!
MARY
(still throwing stuff)
Long lost love my ass! HeÕs a conniving, dishonest, carousing... Why do you think I never went to see him in all these years?
WACKY
(still dodging stuff)
I forgive you, dearest! The pain of seeing me and not being able to have me would have been too great for you to bear...
(a knick-knack BONKS him on the head)
... ItÕs just a theory...
Harold grabs Mary, holding her back.
HAROLD
Mom, stop! This is traumatic for a child!
WACKY
Yeah! And for the father, too.
(looks at Mary closely)
Jeez, babe - you got old...
ThatÕs it. Mary breaks free from Harold. She grabs a vacuum cleaner, switching it on and pointing the hose at Wacky. He starts to get SUCKED IN, trying to back away.
WACKY
Sweetheart! Snookums! Not the vacuum cleaner bag again! I was coughing up dust balls for weeks!
HAROLD
(shoves Wacky out door)
I can see this is a bad time. What do you say we postpone the family reunion...
MARY
You two-dimensional menace!
WACKY
(sticking head back in)
I suppose another roll in the hay is out of the question...
Harold pushes him out the door as a lamp CRASHES into the wood.
EXT. MARYÕS HOUSE
Harold hurries Wacky toward the car.
HAROLD
Man! I never thought sheÕd react like that!
Wacky skips along happily, thrilled.
WACKY
Yeah! WasnÕt it great! SheÕs still got the old fire! The old spunk! Didja see the way she tried to brain me? She still loves me!
HAROLD
Loves you? She nearly vacuumed you to death!
WACKY
Exactly. Where to now? This is fun.
Wacky hops into the car, Harold following tiredly.
CUT TO:
EXT. WEBSTER HOUSE - DAY
Harold leads Wacky up the front walk, jacket over his head.
WACKY
(poking head out of jacket sleeve)
ThisÕll be great! Staying at your house. We can get to know each other. Catch a ballgame, play touch football, Scout meetings...
HAROLD
Keep it down, willya? I want to break this to my wife as gently as possible.
WACKY
(delighted)
You mean I have a daughter? ThatÕs great! Any grandcubs?
Harold shushes him as he unlocks the door.
INT. WEBSTER HOUSE - ENTRYWAY
Pulling the jacket off his head, Harold signals Wacky to be quiet. Wacky nods... immediately knocking over a shelf full of decorative plates. Harold watches in horror as Wacky manages to CATCH all the plates, grabbing them with his hands, feet, mouth and ears. Angie calls out from the bedroom.
ANGIE (o.s.)
Harold? Is that you?
Grimacing, Harold looks to Wacky, who twitches his nose, about to sneeze.
WACKY
Ah... ah... ah...
Wacky covers his nose with his tail, the sneeze subsiding. Removing his tail, he winks at Harold, who grins in relief, until...
WACKY
... CHOO!!!
The plates CRASH to the ground, shattering into a million pieces.
WACKY
(shrugs)
I had to - IÕm a cartoon...
Angie rushes in, Harold shoving Wacky out the door.
ANGIE
Harold, what... ?
(sees the plates)
Oh no! What did you do? All my plates... Elvis... Garfield... the Space Shuttle disaster... all ruined!
HAROLD
IÕm sorry. It was an accident...
ANGIE
What is wrong with you lately? First you collapse at the party - in front of everyone...
WackyÕs eye POPS through the keyhole, Harold covering it with his hand. Angie doesnÕt notice, in full guilt-trip mode.
ANGIE (cont.)
And then you kick me out of the room so you can talk to your mother...
Another eye POPS through the peephole, Harold trying to cover it with his hand.
ANGIE (cont.)
And then you disappear this morning without a word! WhatÕs going on?
HAROLD
Well, I had an interesting talk with my mom...
Yet another eye POPS through the crack in the door. Harold pokes it with his thumb, a muffled ÔoofÕ coming from the other side of the door as it retracts.
HAROLD (cont.)
... and she told me who my father is.
ANGIE
(intrigued)
She did? Who is he?
HAROLD
HeÕs... heÕs... well...
Suddenly WackyÕs head appears under the door.
WACKY
Hi there!
Wacky SLIDES under the door, jumping up and landing in front of a stunned Angie. He grabs her hand, shaking it vigorously.
WACKY (cont.)
You must be my daughter-in-law! IÕve heard so much about you...
Angie screams in disbelief, Harold covering her mouth.
HAROLD
ItÕs okay! My father is Wacky Wolf.
Wacky flashes a toothy grin. Angie screams again, fainting dead away.
WACKY
I like her - sheÕs funny.
WIPE TO:
INT. COURTHOUSE - DAY
Janitorial crews sweep up the debris from WackyÕs rampage while police officers interview WITNESSES. Detective Fleeber speaks to three women, taking their statements.
FLEEBER
Did any of you ladies actually see the perpetrator?
WITNESS #1
Yes - he was average size, with this huge mouth that dropped to the floor...
WITNESS #2
No - he was nine feet tall and thin with eyes that bulged out three feet...
WITNESS #3
No - it was a big dog wearing white gloves and a sweat suit...
Fleeber just stares at them as another OFFICER steps up.
FLEEBER
IÕd bring in the sketch artist but heÕd probably have a nervous breakdown.
OFFICER
YouÕre not gonna believe this.
FLEEBER
Bet me.
OFFICER
Most of the witnesses describe the suspect as a big dog-thing that walked on its hind legs, wore clothes and talked. Almost like some kinda...
FLEEBER
... cartoon.
Fleeber looks at the destruction around him, bewildered.
CUT TO:
INT. WEBSTER HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Harold is on the phone, listening to the ringing on the other end of the line while Angie glues together a collectors plate. Music BLARES from another room while knick-knacks and other household items zing past the open doorway.
HAROLD
Come on, Eddie - pick up...
(nothing - hangs up)
Still no answer.
She winces at a CRASH from the next room.
ANGIE
Maybe we should tie him up in the back yard.
HAROLD
CÕmon, AngÕ - heÕs my dad.
ANGIE
Dad or no dad, he shouldnÕt be here. He should be in that cartoon, chasing the Roadrunner.
HAROLD
ThatÕs Wile E. Coyote. My mom would never sleep with a coyote.
(grimaces)
I donÕt even like to think of my mom doing it with humans...
ThereÕs another CRASH - the distinctive sound of BREAKING GLASS.
ANGIE
This isnÕt fair! What if everyone finds out? IÕve worked for years to get us in with the right type of people, and now this! WeÕll be Mr. and Mrs. Sideshow Freak!
HAROLD
(trying to joke)
At least weÕll have steady work...
ANGIE
I can understand your mom shacking up with a movie star, but why a cartoon? And why him? Why not Bugs Bunny or Mickey Mouse? Someone more respectable?
HAROLD
This isnÕt exactly what I imagined, either! I always dreamed about meeting my dad - some nice, stable guy, maybe a little gray around the temples. But this...
(shakes head)
... HeÕs a complete lunatic, and the gray hair around his temples covers his entire body.
They flinch as a loud BOOM shakes the walls, plaster falling from the ceiling.
ANGIE
I want him out of here! Now!!!
HAROLD
I canÕt take him back until I get ahold of Eddie Glee, and heÕs not around. HeÕs going to have to stay here for awhile.
ANGIE
Here? With me? Oh no...
HAROLD
Why, you got some charity thing to attend? Celebrity facials for the homeless?
ANGIE
DonÕt give me that. I donÕt want any holier-than-thou crap from a man whoÕs defending a cigarette company from a cancer patient.
They both stop, staring at each other miserably.
HAROLD
What happened to us, AngÕ? I look at our wedding pictures and I donÕt even recognize those people. I donÕt know who we are anymore... and now I donÕt know what I am.
Angie sighs. SheÕs about to say something when Wacky bursts in.
WACKY
Hey, Sport! Hiya, Princess! YouÕve got some great stuff - a little fragile, maybe... WhatÕs for supper?
Angie shoots Wacky a withering glance. He shrugs, bounding to the refrigerator.
WACKY
DonÕt get up - I can get it myself.
(reading labels)
Non-fat milk... low cholesterol margarine... fake eggs... fake bacon... Why donÕt I just fry up a few strips of cardboard?
ANGIE
Wait! Before I leave we need some ground rules: no breaking dishes, furniture or appliances. This is not a Heckle and Jeckle cartoon.
WACKY
(scoffs - under breath)
Hacks...
ANGIE
And no shedding! YouÕre getting fur all over everything - and when I try to brush it off, it runs away!
She tries to brush wolf hair off the table - each strand STANDING AND RUNNING AWAY with little screams.
ANGIE
(curtly)
And by the time I get back tonight, I want him out of here.
Angie storms out, Harold frowning unhappily. Wacky gives him a wink, pouring a cup of coffee and stirring it with his tail.
WACKY
DonÕt worry, IÕm very popular with women 18 to 35. Leave her to me...
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. WEBSTER HOUSE - NIGHT
Angie marches down the driveway, dressed to the nines, still in a high state of irritation. She opens her car door, climbing in.
INT. ANGIEÕS CAR
Angie rifles through her purse, looking for her car keys and muttering to herself.
ANGIE
A wolf. A cartoon wolf. A goddamn low-rent cartoon wolf. I wonder if he gets royalties...
As she finds her keys WackyÕs eyes POP over the back of the seat, watching her gleefully. Angie starts the car, WackyÕs eyes ZIPPING back down as she turns to back out of the driveway.
CUT TO:
EXT. COURTHOUSE - NIGHT
Eddie Glee holds a leash, following Shep, who tries to walk on all fours like a real dog. He sniffs the ground outside the courthouse, trying to pick up WackyÕs scent. Tugging on his collar, Shep stands uncomfortably.
SHEP
Du-uuh, can we go home now, Eddie? WeÕve been at this for hours - my sinuses are filled with cigarette butts and chewing gum.
EDDIE
Keep your voice down - you want somebody to hear? And get back down on all fours.
SHEP
Aw, do I have to? My backÕs killing me...
EDDIE
WeÕve got to find Wacky before he causes any more trouble. Have you picked up his scent?
Shep grudgingly drops down on all fours, sniffing the courthouse steps.
SHEP
Wait a minute - yup, here he is... pee-yew! HeÕs wearing that cheap cologne you got him for Christmas...
(sniffs, interested)
Du-uuh, hold on... I smell another cartoon. ThereÕs two of Ôem.
EDDIE
ThatÕs impossible. HeÕs not with another cartoon, heÕs with...
(realizes)
... Harold!
SHEP
Well, when you see him, tell him to get some ÔOdor EatersÕ for his shoes, willya?
Eddie nudges Shep as a WOMAN with a Rottweiler approaches.
SHEP
Ow! What... oh...
(clears throat)
Woof-woof. Bark bark.
The Rottweiler moves around behind Shep, who jumps with a start.
SHEP
Hey! Watch the cold nose, buddy!
DOG WOMAN
What a strange bark! It almost sounds like heÕs talking.
The Rottweiler hops up on ShepÕs back, trying to mount him.
SHEP
Help! Help! Masher!
Shep LEAPS up, WRAPPING himself around EddieÕs face and head to get away from the Rottweiler.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - NIGHT
An elegant, trendy fundraising dinner. Formally dressed men and women mingle as a band plays softly. A banner reading ÔSAVE THE WOLFÕ hangs above a cage containing a live wolf, which paces miserably. Angie plays the hostess, mingling and chatting up the guests.
ANGIE
Mr. and Mrs. Dole, glad you could make it... Barbara, nice to see you... Mrs. Franklin - love your dress...
She steps to the buffet table, where Warren Crawford fills a plate.
ANGIE
Warren! I didnÕt think youÕd make it, what with the trial...
WARREN
Angie! I wouldnÕt miss it for the world. Especially knowing youÕd be here. You look great.
(frowns)
Harold better not be here, after that performance in court today... I donÕt know whatÕs wrong with him lately, but if heÕs not careful heÕs gonna flush his career down the toilet. And IÕd hate to see anything happen to you.
ANGIE
DonÕt worry, heÕs at home. Working. As usual.
Warren smiles, not bothering to hide his pleasure.
WARREN
Good. Then IÕve got you all to myself.
ANGIE
I like the sound of that.
Angie smiles back. Let the flirting begin.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL BALLROOM
Trying (and failing) to be inconspicuous, Wacky wanders through the crowd, drawing curious stares. He passes a LADY pontificating to her friends.
LADY
I think the wolf is the most majestic member of the canine family...
WACKY
You better believe it, baby.
He gooses her, the Lady letting out a squeal as he moves on. Glancing around, Wacky spots Angie talking and laughing with Warren across the room. He starts toward her, only to be grabbed by a TIPSY LADY sitting at the bar.
TIPSY LADY
ThatÕs a great suit!
WACKY
(modeling)
This old thing? IÕve had it for ages, simply ages.
TIPSY LADY
No, no - the wolf costume. ItÕs adorable. You look almost lifelike.
WACKY
You, too. How do you get your eyes that shade of red?
The Tipsy Lady grins, snapping her fingers.
TIPSY LADY
Bartender...!
CUT TO:
INT. WEBSTER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Taking a break from work, Harold wanders into the living room, where the TV plays loudly. He steps up behind the easy chair, WackyÕs ears visible over the back of the seat.
HAROLD
Hey, whatÕre you watching? Are the Flintstones and the Jetsons talking about wife-swapping on ÔOprahÕ?
(laughs)
See? I can be funny.
ThereÕs no response from the easy chair, Harold frowning.
HAROLD
Okay, so it wasnÕt that funny... Hello? Wacky...?
He steps around to the front of the chair to find it empty - a pair of WackyÕs ears on the back of the seat. Harold immediately does what he does best - panics.
HAROLD
Where the hell...
(realizes)
Shit! Angie!
He rushes out as we...
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - NIGHT
Wacky and the Tipsy Lady are having - by the looks of the empty glasses in front of them - their umpteenth cocktails.
WACKY
... Naw, Popeye is a loser! Why do you think he has those oversize, powerful forearms? ÔCuz he canÕt score with Olive, if you get my drift... And the Pink Panther? Give me a break! ItÕs obvious why heÕs a single bachelor...
(to Bartender)
Bartender - two more... I mean two more bartenders - you canÕt seem to keep up with us...
TIPSY LADY
Whew! You can really put it away, honey.
WACKY
(tipsy and bewildered)
I donÕt know what this stuff is, but it makes me feel like the time I chased the FarmerÕs Daughter around the inside of the grain silo. How do my eyes look?
TIPSY LADY
(squinting)
I canÕt tell - hold Ôem closer.
Wacky POPS out his eyes, holding them out for the Tipsy Lady to examine. She SCREAMS as we...
CUT TO:
INT. RACHEL CHRISTOPHER
sits across the ballroom with her date - a stuffy, pompous LAWYER. She sighs, bored, as he drones on and on.
RACHEL
... ItÕs my opinion that women actually prefer stable, secure - some would say ÔboringÕ - men. Not wild, spontaneous, animalistic brutes.
RACHEL
I disagree - women like someone whoÕs surprising, different, a man of action...
Rachel glances up, catching sight of Wacky as he HOPS by. Recognizing him from the courthouse she stands, eyes glinting. The Lawyer blinks, surprised, as she walks off.
INT. BALLROOM - BUFFET TABLE
Fascinated, Wacky pokes at the jello mold, turning as Rachel steps up, tapping his shoulder. She looks him in the eyes - a hot, smoldering gaze.
RACHEL
ItÕs you.
WACKY
Gesundheit.
She gives him a passionate kiss, then grabs his arm, dragging him across the room.
WACKY
Man, the Hays office would hate this cartoon...
They duck behind a row of potted plants as...
INT. HOTEL BALLROOM
Harold slips into the ballroom, wandering through the crowd, his casual, rumpled clothes drawing disapproving stares from the formally-dressed guests. He stays low, on the outskirts of the crowd as he tries to search for Wacky.
HAROLD
(whispering, desperate)
Wacky! Wacky, cÕmon. Wacky, where are you...?
Harold checks under the buffet table, behind floral arrangements, inside the food carts. Frowning, he stands, looking across the room to see...
INSERT - HAROLDÕS POV
... Angie and Warren sitting at a table, really hitting it off. Angie is especially animated, putting her hands on WarrenÕs and smiling attentively.
INT. HAROLD
bristles a little. He isnÕt sure he likes what he sees. But before he can do anything he is startled by a loud HOWL. The guests look to one another, surprised.
COMPASSIONATE WOMAN
That poor wolf - cooped up in that cage. IÕd howl, too.
But Harold knows whose howl that was. He turns toward the potted plants as a series of high-pitched YELPS pierce the air. Those he doesnÕt recognize.
COMPASSIONATE WOMAN
The poor thing must be in pain. They really should let it out...
The partygoers return to their conversations as Harold makes his way toward the potted plants. He isnÕt surprised when he sees Wacky step from behind the greenery, a goofy smile on his face. He is surprised when Rachel steps out behind him, the same smile on HER face.
WACKY
Keep it down with the howling - you want to get caught?
Harold quickly puts two-and-two together - the howl... the yelps... Wacky and Rachel... ohboy! He struggles to make his way through the crowd to Wacky.
INT. WACKY
strolls through the crowd, still a bit tipsy. He stops when he sees the wolf in the cage, outraged.
WACKY
What is this? Are these fiends detaining you, my brother? IÕll save you!
WackyÕs finger takes the shape of a KEY, which he uses to unlock the cage. He flings open the door, letting the wolf loose.
WACKY
YouÕre free! Free to run, to howl, to chase farmersÕ daughters...
(lower)
Just between you and me - IÕd avoid the red-eyed woman at the bar...
Snarling, the wolf lunges into the crowd, guests screaming and scattering. There is complete pandemonium as everyone makes a mad rush for the exits, the wolf stalking and growling angrily. Harold is caught in the crush of bodies.
SCARED MAN
The wolf is loose!
COMPASSIONATE WOMAN
Someone shoot it! ItÕs ruining the party!
Wacky grins as he admires his handiwork, sitting on top of the cage.
WACKY
ThatÕs more like it! If there was ever a party that needed a wild animal let loose in the middle, this was it. I bet AngieÕs gonna be happy with me for livening things up around here!
Wacky SWINGS from the ÔSave the WolfÕ banner and across the room by the chandeliers, ÔwoopÕ-ing wildly. Harold runs to the kitchen area, calling to the chef.
HAROLD
I need a frying pan - quick!
The chef hands him a pan, Harold screaming in frustration.
HAROLD
A frying pan - not a wok! God I hate California cuisine...
Stunned by the sudden commotion, Angie spots Wacky from across the room, eyes going wide in enraged disbelief.
ANGIE
Him! IÕll kill him! IÕll strangle him! IÕll... ERASE him!!!
Wacky BOUNCES off the walls, FLIPS through the air, RACES around the room on his EARS. Harold watches, head turning like a tennis match as Wacky ZINGS back and forth, back and forth.
HAROLD
Hey!... Wacky!... Dad!... Sit!... Heel!... STOP!!!
Glancing around desperately, Harold spies a frying pan on top of a catererÕs cart. He grabs it, spinning around just in time to KLANG Wacky on the head as he passes, knocking him out cold. Grabbing him by the collar, Harold hurriedly drags Wacky out a side exit.
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT
Detective Fleeber sits with the Witnesses from the courthouse. They look through a large window at a line-up of MASCOTS - everything from giant chickens and big mice to a huge banana.
FLEEBER
These are the mascots from every sports team, theme park and ice skating show currently in town. Do any of them look like the wild man you saw?
WITNESS #1
No...
WITNESS #2
Not really...
WITNESS #3
Could you have number four step forward and laugh?
FLEEBER
Do you remember something?
WITNESS #3
No - itÕs just funny the way he laughs.
Mascot #4 steps up, giving a goofy chuckle as the women laugh and clap delightedly. Rolling his eyes, Fleeber steps to the back of the room, lighting a cigarette as a young POLICE OFFICER steps in.
POLICE OFFICER
Arnie? WeÕre gettinÕ some more weird calls from a fundraiser downtown...
FLEEBER
DonÕt tell me, itÕs... no, donÕt tell me.
They hustle out the door as Mascot #4Õs idiotic laugh continues in the background.
CUT TO:
EXT. ÔGLEE-TOONSÕ PRODUCTIONS - NIGHT
Tired, angry and fed up, Harold drags Wacky to the front door. Oblivious, Wacky dances and skips happily.
WACKY
That was fun! I betcha Angie likes me now - that party was dead. I donÕt get why we had to leave just when it was getting good.
(notices where they are)
Hey, great! We can get all the others and go back! We could teach those zombies a thing or two about partying! Brawny Bull does this great trick with his horn - just donÕt let him get behind ya...
HAROLD
WeÕre not going back to the party - youÕre going back into the cartoon.
WACKY
Whaddaya mean? IÕve been good! All those people were talking about was saving wolves, I just decided to help Ôem. And by the way, that wolf didnÕt say boo to me - not a thank you, not ÔI appreciate itÕ, nothinÕ! I mean, okay, heÕs been raised in the wild. But manners are manners, yÕknow?
HAROLD
DonÕt you get it? You donÕt belong here. Normal people donÕt act like you do.
WACKY
(scoffs)
ÔNormal peopleÕ? ThereÕs no such thing as ÔnormalÕ people. IÕve seen the way you act - human beings are crazier than any cartoon!
They reach the door, Harold trying the knob. Locked.
HAROLD
Uh-huh. No offense, but your only contact with the real world is through TV talk shows. To you we must all be cross-dressing sex-crazed lunatics.
WACKY
Hey - cross-dressing sex-crazed lunacy is how your father makes a living, so donÕt talk down.
(nods to door)
Well, no oneÕs home. Whatta shame. I guess...
Harold SMASHES the glass in the door with his elbow, reaching in and unlocking the latch.
WACKY
A break in! Oh, woe is me! My son has turned to a life of crime. Where did I -- ulp!
Harold opens the door, YANKING Wacky inside.
INT. ÔGLEE-TOONSÕ - SCREENING ROOM
Harold leads Wacky into the darkened screening room. Wacky rests his head on HaroldÕs shoulder.
WACKY
I thought things were going great! You were even starting to loosen up. Admit it - you had fun tonight.
HAROLD
I almost had a heart attack tonight.
Wacky appears under HaroldÕs armpit, grinning up at him.
WACKY
But you had fun.
HAROLD
WeÕre lucky weÕre not in jail!
WackyÕs head POPS up through HaroldÕs shirt collar.
WACKY
You had fun.
HAROLD
(pulls Wacky out of shirt)
Okay! Okay! I had fun. So what? Fun isnÕt everything!
WACKY
(counts off on ever multiplying fingers)
Yeah, thereÕs unhappiness, boredom, anger, fear, sadness, dejection, gloom, grief, apathy, hostility, repression, anxiety - sound familiar?
HAROLD
I canÕt believe IÕm being psychoanalyzed by a cartoon character...
Harold steps into the projection booth, turning on the projector. The farmyard scene appears onscreen, the other cartoon characters surprised to see Wacky and Harold.
HOMELY COW
Hey, look - WackyÕs back.
BRAWNY BULL
We missed you.
MELVIN MOUSE
What a relief youÕre okay...
(bellows)
PAY UP, SUCKERS - HE MADE IT BACK ALIVE!!!
The other cartoons grudgingly hand Melvin money as Wacky turns to Harold.
WACKY
They really are a great bunch of guys - considering theyÕre two-dimensional. I think youÕd like Ôem.
(gets bright idea)
CÕmon, IÕll introduce ya!
Before Harold knows whatÕs happening, Wacky grabs his hand and leaps up INTO THE CARTOON, pulling Harold in with him.
INSERT - MOVIE SCREEN - ANIMATION
Harold, still in LIVE ACTION, looks around, disoriented. The other cartoons are just as stunned to have a human in their midst. Wacky introduces everyone brightly.
WACKY
Harold, I want you to meet Brawny Bull, Homely Cow, Farmer John and Melvin Mouse. The finest buncha supporting actors youÕd ever wanna work with.
CARTOONS
(mumble uncertainly)
Hi... Hiya.. How ya doinÕ... WhatÕs this Ôsupporting actorÕ stuff...?
HAROLD
This really feels funky... I shouldnÕt be in here.
BRAWNY BULL
Yeah - what if Eddie comes back?
WACKY
Who cares? EddieÕs been in here plenty of times.
MELVIN MOUSE
(gestures to Harold)
Not like that.
Wacky scoffs, leading Harold away.
WACKY
Bit players are always jealous of the star... IsnÕt it great in here? The skyÕs blue, the grass is green, the scenery is... almost in perspective.
HAROLD
(squinting)
EverythingÕs so bright... the colors... it feels strange, unreal - itÕs worse than Las Vegas...
The other cartoons watch, shaking their heads.
FARMER JOHN
ItÕs not natural...
HOMELY COW
Normal cartoons donÕt act that way.
MELVIN MOUSE
HeÕs too boring, too predictable...
SWEETY SQUIRREL
(pulls out a tattered paperback)
You should be more accepting of others. Have you read this book? ItÕs ÔDianeticsÕ - it changed my life...
MELVIN MOUSE
Bite me and like it.
Wacky and Harold pass an apple tree, Harold regarding it curiously.
HAROLD
What do apples taste like here - fruit or paint?
WACKY
Try one and see...
Harold jumps up, trying to reach an apple on a high branch, but canÕt quite grab it. Wacky shakes his head, pointing to a hill behind them.
WACKY
You can do it - youÕve gotta think like a cartoon!
Wacky zooms to the top of the hill. Now just a tiny dot in the distance, he can finally reach the apple. He picks it off the tree and runs back IN PERSPECTIVE - the now huge apple twice his size.
WACKY (cont.)
Like this!
HAROLD
I hope thereÕs not a worm in there - itÕs be as big as a python.
Wacky tosses the apple aside, trying to get Harold into the spirit of the occasion.
WACKY
Give it a chance. You can do anything here! Use your imagination. All you have to do is think of something, and you can pull it out of your pocket. Watch...
Wacky reaches into his pocket, pulling out the Eiffel Tower - complete with startled Frenchmen in striped t-shirts and berets. It towers above them as Harold marvels.
WACKY (cont.)
Viola! Now you try it.
Harold thinks hard, reaching into his pocket and pulling out... thirty-five cents.
HAROLD
(impressed)
Hey, it works!
WACKY
ThatÕs the best you can do?
HAROLD
I donÕt have that great an imagination...
WACKY
How about this - you can do all sorts of cool stuff with your body.
(demonstrates)
You can stretch, shrink, grow, bend, spin, bulge - even this!
Wacky POPS his head off, twirling it on his finger like a basketball.
WACKY (cont.)
ItÕs easy!
(turning green)
Ya get a little woozy...
(puts head back on)
You try it!
HAROLD
Uh, no thanks...
Wacky hops onto HaroldÕs shoulders, TUGGING on his head.
WACKY
You can do it! You just have to try! Boy, that suckerÕs really on there...
HAROLD
(slaps WackyÕs hands away)
Yeah, and IÕd like to keep it that way!
WACKY
Okay, how Ôbout this - simplest trick in the book.
WackyÕs eyes BULGE OUT, Harold repulsed.
HAROLD
I hate it when you do that!
WACKY
(eyes returning to normal)
Give it a shot. All you gotta do is flex your eye bulgers. Do it for your old man.
HAROLD
I donÕt want to. ItÕs disgusting. Makes me feel like crying...
WACKY
You just need a little incentive! Here...
Wacky grabs the Eiffel Tower, JABBING Harold in the ass. Harold yelps, jumping OUT OF THE CARTOON and back into the screening room. He turns to Wacky, eyes blazing - but not bulging.
HAROLD
Enough! I canÕt do it! Okay? IÕm not a cartoon!
WACKY
YouÕre just out of practice. The cartoonÕs inside you somewhere, you just have to let it come out.
HAROLD
Listen to me - I like my life. Maybe itÕs not action packed, a laugh a minute... but itÕs comfortable. ItÕs what I know.
Disgusted, Wacky hops OUT OF THE CARTOON, confronting Harold.
WACKY
Comfortable? ItÕs BORING! I may not know much about humans, but I know you got shortchanged in the happiness department, kiddo. Why do you think your mom finally told you about me?
HAROLD
All my life I wanted to know who my father was, because I thought maybe thatÕd help me understand who I was. And what do I find out? That my fatherÕs a freak! A glitch! A malfunction! DonÕt you understand? I donÕt want to be a cartoon! I HATE CARTOONS!
Wacky winces, hurt. This time the sadness in his face isnÕt playacting, the moisture in his eyes real.
WACKY
If you prick me, do I not bleed? If you hit me with a baseball bat, do I not break into a million pieces?
HAROLD
IÕm sorry, I didnÕt mean it. I donÕt hate you, itÕs just... you donÕt belong here, and I donÕt belong there. IÕm not like you.
WACKY
DonÕt be so sure.
(hops back INTO THE CARTOON)
Will you at least visit sometimes?
HAROLD
I promise.
Wacky bends down, out of the cartoon, and hugs Harold. They separate, Harold stepping back to the projection booth, where he turns off the projector. As the light beam fades, Wacky calls out:
WACKY
Goodbye, son...
The cartoon world fades to black, Harold staring at the blank screen.
HAROLD
(quietly)
Goodbye, dad...
CUT TO:
INT. MARYÕS HOUSE - NIGHT
The doorbell RINGS, Mary approaching the front door uncertainly. She picks up a vase, cocking her arm to throw as she opens the door to reveal Eddie and Shep.
EDDIE & SHEP
(flinching)
Yaaaaah!
MARY
Eddie...
(lowers vase)
Sorry.
EDDIE
HeÕs been here.
MARY
Yes.
EDDIE
And heÕs with Harold.
Mary nods. Shep clears his throat.
SHEP
A-hem...
EDDIE
You remember Shep, of course.
MARY
Of course. Come on in - IÕve got coffee and pie if anyoneÕs hungry...
SHEP
Nothing for me, IÕm full.
EDDIE
You ate those cat turds on the lawn, didnÕt you?
SHEP
You told me to act like a real dog.
Stepping into the living room, Mary and Eddie sit on the couch, while Shep circles a chair, unwilling to sit.
EDDIE
IÕve got to get him back, Mary. I canÕt afford to have him out on another rampage. I lied to you the other day - the studioÕs bankrupt.
(to Shep)
WILL YOU SIT DOWN?!?
SHEP
You know me - I gotta find the perfect spot.
MARY
But I see the old cartoons on TV all the time.
EDDIE
I sold the rights to pay all the legal fees and damage claims the first time Wacky got loose. ThatÕs why when I find him IÕm gonna put him away for good. IÕm going to dismantle that damn projector.
Mary seems upset by this news.
MARY
Dismantle it? WhatÕs going to happen to all the cartoons?
EDDIE
(glances to Shep, lowers voice)
TheyÕll go back to what theyÕre supposed to be - drawings on film. I canÕt take care of them any more. I saw you the other day and you looked so great... all the mistakes IÕve made over the years suddenly seemed very vivid. Dumb, huh?
MARY
ItÕs not dumb.
EDDIE
I know I treated you like a piece of furniture. But I want you to know not a dayÕs gone by that I havenÕt thought of you.
SHEP
Du-uuh, there was that night you ran a print of ÔThe Pom-Pom GirlsÕ through the projector.
(chuckles)
That was a wild couple of hours...
EDDIE
(glares)
Why donÕt you go lick yourself?
SHEP
My secret shame...
Shep sits, humiliated. Mary looks at Eddie thoughtfully.
MARY
You know, this is the first time youÕve talked to me like a real human being.
EDDIE
Maybe IÕm finally learning how to be one. IÕve spent all my life around cartoons - itÕs easy to lose touch with whatÕs real. I just realized it too late.
MARY
ItÕs never too late.
Playfully running her finger over EddieÕs ear, she gives him a crooked grin. Eddie perks up as they both cast guilty looks toward Shep.
EDDIE
So... nice place ya got here. How Ôbout a tour?
MARY
Love to! LetÕs start with the bedroom...
Mary leads Eddie by the hand, Shep watching them go. Sighing, he picks up a magazine, leafing through it.
SHEP
Swell! TheyÕre goinÕ into the bedroom, WackyÕs out doinÕ who knows what, and the only action I get is a nearsighted Rottweiler. This real world stuff ainÕt all itÕs cracked up to be...
INT. MARYÕS HOUSE - BEDROOM
Mary nervously shows Eddie around the bedroom, both exchanging knowing, anxious looks.
MARY
Well, this is it... this is my antique dresser - got it at a garage sale for twenty dollars and refinished it myself.
EDDIE
Nice...
MARY
This is an old music box from the late 1800Õs. It used to be my grandmotherÕs...
EDDIE
Pretty...
MARY
And this is the bed --
She grabs Eddie, pulling him onto the bed in a heated kiss. EddieÕs eyes widen, surprised by her sudden passion.
EDDIE
(gasping for breath)
Comfy...
They kiss and grope excitedly, eyes closed, both thinking of younger days and what might have been. Mary whispers hoarsely.
MARY
ItÕs been so long... Eddie?
EDDIE
Yeah?
MARY
Eddie, could you... ?
EDDIE
Yeah, yeah?
MARY
Could you... ?
EDDIE
(wild with passion)
Anything!
MARY
Could you put on the Wacky head?
Eddie stops cold, staring at Mary in shock. She smiles sweetly, shrugging.
CUT TO:
INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT
Angie is distraught, comforted by an attentive, sympathetic Warren as she walks among the debris that was once her fundraiser.
ANGIE
ItÕs a disaster! The whole night is ruined. All the people... IÕll never get to hug an AIDS patient now!
WARREN
Now, now - youÕve got to think positively, Angie.
They pause by whatÕs left of the refreshment table, listening in as a very tired Detective Fleeber interviews witnesses.
FLEEBER
Okay - did any of you see who let the wolf loose?
TIPSY LADY
I did! It was the man in the wolf suit, with the silly jacket and bow tie who could do that thing with his eyes...
FLEEBER
Right - and he was tall and thin and short and squat and he had huge eyes and a mouth that dropped to the ground and oh yeah he was a dog dressed in a suit and tie who could talk.
TIPSY LADY
You know him?
Fed up, Angie approaches Fleeber, furious.
ANGIE
IÕll tell you who it was - my father-in-law. He escaped from a cartoon and impregnated a woman, who gave birth to my husband, who let him out of the cartoon again to screw up our lives and destroy all my goddamn furniture.
FLEEBER
(stares at her a moment)
Of course. Now it all makes perfect sense.
ANGIE
IÕm serious! He was here 35 years ago and it took your whole force to catch him! Check your records...
Angie stomps off, Warren scurrying after her. Fleeber sighs, frustrated.
FLEEBER
Riots, fires, earthquakes, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and now this - God I hate working for the LAPD...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. WEBSTER HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Harold is working again, sitting up in bed surrounded by papers as he prepares for the trial. Lowering his pen, he takes a moment to yawn, stretch, and rub his eyes. He jumps when he hears the front door open, turning apprehensively as Angie steps into the room.
HAROLD
(big phony smile)
HowÕd it go?
ANGIE
You know how it went! I even tried to report that maniac to the police, but they just laughed at me. I swear, if you donÕt take him back IÕm gonna buy a can of paint remover...
HAROLD
I took him back already.
Angie comes up short, surprised.
ANGIE
You did?
HAROLD
You were right. He was too wild.
ANGIE
IÕm glad you finally came to your senses. Just because heÕs your father doesnÕt mean you have to be like him...
Harold nods, blinking and rubbing his bloodshot eyes as Angie steps into the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar.
HAROLD
I know itÕs good heÕs gone, and I know he was too crazy, but... you know the really crazy thing? I was actually starting to admire him. He just does whatever he wants, doesnÕt take any crap from anybody. Sometimes I wish I was more like him...
ANGIE (o.s.)
(calls back)
WhatÕd you say?
HAROLD
Nothing...
Harold leans back, glancing at the bathroom door to see...
INT. HAROLDÕS POV
... Angie pass by the door, removing her dress. He catches sight of her breasts...
INT. HAROLD
... his eyes BULGING out of his head - just like a cartoon. Feeling strange, he looks at himself in the mirror, letting out a SCREAM. He ducks under the covers as Angie pokes her head out of the bathroom, tying her robe.
ANGIE
WhatÕs the matter?
HAROLD (o.s.)
Nothing! IÕve got a cramp in my foot.
Shrugging, she steps back into the bathroom. Jumping out of bed, Harold runs to the closet, feeling his way as his protruding eyes SAG limply.
INT. BATHROOM
Angie brushes her hair, unaware.
ANGIE
Maybe now you can concentrate on whatÕs important. YouÕve been acting so strange...
She switches off the light, stepping into the bedroom.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM
Harold lies casually in bed - wearing dark glasses and a baseball cap.
HAROLD
Acting strange? Me?
ANGIE
You? Nah...
HAROLD
The lightÕs too bright.
Angie dims the lights and climbs into bed, playfully nibbling HaroldÕs ear.
ANGIE
HowÕs that?
HAROLD
Stop it, AngÕ. This isnÕt the time or place...
ANGIE
Right - itÕs night, and weÕre in bed...
HAROLD
AngÕ, we canÕt have sex on legal papers. There are penal codes...
Angie reaches up, removing HaroldÕs hat and glasses to find his eyes wrapped on top of his head like a turban. They UNRAVEL WILDLY, Angie screaming in shock.
HAROLD
(jumps out of bed)
Take it easy! Calm down...
(his eyes hang limply)
... Hey, this carpet is filthy.
ANGIE
Oh my God - youÕre a cartoon, too!
HAROLD
ItÕll be okay - I think I can fix it...
ANGIE
Harold, your eyes are dangling lower than your testicles!
(starts calm, grows hysterical)
This has got to stop! Put your eyes back in your head and stop goofing around. You are going to go into court tomorrow and win that case so that youÕll make partner and be successful and all your body parts will do exactly what theyÕre supposed to and we can live a happy, normal life. And thatÕs final!!!
HaroldÕs eyes PERK UP, looking at her unhappily as we...
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY
A sunny morning. Most of the damage Wacky caused has been fixed or roped off.
INT. COURTROOM
Wearing dark glasses, Harold takes his seat at the defense table with Bobby, Freddy, Doug and Rockfield. No expression on his face, heÕs controlled, modulated, the old Harold.
ROCKFIELD
This is your last chance, Webster. I called Warren Crawford to sit in today, in case things get out of hand...
(scans courtroom)
... HeÕs supposed to be here... What is it with this law firm?!?
HAROLD
DonÕt worry, Mr. Rockfield. IÕm back on track. You can count on me.
Harold removes his glasses, his eyes only slightly puffy and swollen. Julia leans forward from her seat in the gallery, concerned.
JULIA
Are you okay? Your eyes look funny.
HAROLD
I was up late...
The Bailiff calls out as Judge Ward enters, taking his seat.
BAILIFF
All rise! Court is in session. The Honorable Judge Bryce Ward presiding.
JUDGE WARD
Be seated. Mr. Webster, before you call your first witness, may I remind you that the court will not tolerate any demonstrations of the type that occurred here yesterday. Especially the kissing. Is that clear?
HAROLD
Yes, your Honor.
The big double doors open, Warren rushing in. He hurries to his seat directly behind Harold.
WARREN
Sorry IÕm late. HowÕs it going?
ROCKFIELD
It seems to be fine. So far.
WARREN
YouÕve got a lot on the line today, Webster. Remember - no emotion. YouÕre a lawyer, not a human being.
HAROLD
I know - you didnÕt mean that like it sounded.
WARREN
The hell I didnÕt.
JUDGE WARD
Mr. Webster, you wish to call a witness?
HAROLD
Yes, your Honor. I call Mr. Stanley DeWitt to the stand.
A murmur runs through the courtroom. DeWitt struggles to get to his feet, becoming entangled in his oxygen hoses - but Rachel doesnÕt notice. She stares off into space, a dreamy look on her face as she hums the ÔWacky Wolf Theme Song.Õ Finally DeWitt manages to nudge her, snapping her back to reality.
RACHEL
Oh! Sorry...
The men at the defense table snicker as Harold squirms uneasily. Rachel finally helps DeWitt to the witness stand. He wheezes pitifully as Harold steps forward.
HAROLD
Mr. DeWitt - youÕre suffering from lung cancer, are you not? Lung cancer that you claim you got by smoking G.R. Rollins cigarettes.
MR. DEWITT
ThatÕs right.
HAROLD
You and your doctors claim - without much merit, as we demonstrated yesterday - that the only thing which could have caused your lung cancer was the smoking of these cigarettes. Correct?
MR. DEWITT
I smoked G.R. Rollins cigarettes for thirty years.
HAROLD
Well, thatÕs not what I asked, but IÕll assume itÕs a yes.
Harold looks up as Angie steps into the courtroom, straightening her clothes as she takes the seat next to Warren. Harold gives her a smile as he removes some papers from his briefcase.
HAROLD (cont.)
I see here that you worked as a janitor at Riverdale Middle School for twenty-six years. I also see that Riverdale Middle School recently underwent renovations to remove asbestos from the ceilings and heating ducts. And I see youÕve lived in the Los Angeles area your entire life. An area well known for its high concentration of smog in the air.
RACHEL
(calls out)
Is there a question in our near future, your Honor?
HAROLD
I guess my question is this - since youÕve apparently been breathing all sorts of toxic crap your entire life, why are you suing the company that makes the cigarettes you chose to smoke?
There is a loud murmur, Judge Ward banging his gavel to restore order. Harold tosses the papers back into his briefcase, Rockfield grinning like a shark.
ROCKFIELD
(hisses)
This is more like it! Slaughter the wheezing little bastard!
Glancing into his briefcase, Harold sees the baby photo of himself contorting with his grandparents, eyes spinning wildly. He winces at a jab of pain behind his eyes, trying to ignore it. Only Julia seems to notice, frowning.
HAROLD
Why not sue the school district? Why not sue everyone who owns a car? Because cigarette companies are more convenient. What jury would hesitate to give the sympathetic cancer victim a chunk of the mean olÕ tobacco companyÕs money, regardless of whether their product actually caused his illness?
RACHEL
Objection!
JUDGE WARD
Sustained!
Head throbbing, Harold turns to see Angie and Warren grinning at him. He watches as...
INT. HAROLDÕS POV
... Warren brushes some hair off his coat - each strand STANDING AND RUNNING AWAY with little screams. We PAN to Angie, who smiles back at him encouragingly. Could it also be guilt?
INT. HAROLD
realizes heÕs been duped. Beads of sweat appear on his forehead and upper lip. A sharp pain behind his eyes again. After a long, uncomfortable moment he turns to the jury. As he addresses them, weÕre not sure whether heÕs talking about DeWitt or himself.
HAROLD
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, what we have here is a man with regrets. Regrets about the choices he made, about the way his life has turned out. Regrets about all the things he should have done differently, all the advice he should have listened to. Seems to me thereÕs only one thing for this man to do, and thatÕs to finally take charge of his own life.
Harold spins to face Angie, all his repressed cartoon tendencies suddenly bursting loose. His mouth OPENS WIDER THAN HIS HEAD, UVULA VIBRATING WILDLY as he cries out:
HAROLD (cont.)
Right, honey?!?
Terrified, the jury and spectators scatter, screaming. There's a pile-up as they all rush for the door. Harold LEAPS to where Warren stands.
WARREN
What's going on?
HAROLD
I'll tell you what's going on. You've been at my house...
Harold's hand turns into a BIG MALLET. He pounds Warren over the head - one blow per word.
HAROLD
... WITH... MY... WIFE!!!
(frowns)
And I didn't even get a company car.
He bashes Warren one last time before turning to Angie, who stares at him, wide-eyed.
ANGIE
Harold? I think we should sit down and discuss this like normal adults...
HAROLD
(calmly)
There's only one problem with that suggestion, Ang'. See, I'm no longer a normal adult...
(his eyes BUG OUT ON SPRINGS)
... I'M A CARTOON!!!
ANGIE
(backing away)
I'm sorry, Harold... I didn't mean to hurt you, itÕs just... we never see each other, things have been so weird lately, and Warren... it just happened.
HAROLD
It's okay, Ang'. I forgive you. Let's kiss and make up...
He puckers his lips, which INFLATE to the size of innertubes - complete with patches and an air nozzle. Angie screams, running away as Harold laughs crazily. He turns to see Julia grinning at him. She doesnÕt know whatÕs happening, but she likes it, nodding to Harold encouragingly.
JULIA
ItÕs about time.
Harold pauses, looking at her rationally for a moment - seeing her in a new light. The mood is broken as Rockfield stands, Bobby, Freddy and Doug diving under the defense table.
ROCKFIELD
What is the meaning of this?
HAROLD
Screw meaning! I'm having fun!
Harold reaches out, pulling Rockfield's nose with one hand, and poking him in the eyes with the other... GROWING ADDITIONAL ARMS, he musses his hair, gives him a wedgie, stretches his ears, waggles his lips, pulls his coat over his head and gives him a hotfoot.
BOBBY
Damn!
DOUG
Shit!
FREDDY
(admiringly)
That's why I'll never make partner...
Judge Ward bangs his gavel, crying out uselessly.
JUDGE WARD
Order! Order!
HAROLD
Here's an order...
Harold jumps onto the bench, mouth OPENING SIX-FEET HIGH, the wind blowing the Judge off his seat.
HAROLD (cont.)
... SHUT UP!!!
Mouth returning to normal, Harold leaps off the bench and heads for the exit. The Bailiff blows a WHISTLE for help. Harold smacks him on the back of the head, causing him to SWALLOW the whistle. Surprised, the Bailiff tries to speak, only managing little, whistling PEEPS. Harold pauses as he passes Warren, who struggles woozily to his feet.
HAROLD
By the way - I quit.
Grinning, he BACKFLIPS down the aisle and out the door, 'woop-wooping' wildly. The courtroom is a shambles, chairs and tables upended, papers scattered everywhere. Warren looks to Rachel and DeWitt, beaten.
WARREN
So... what would you consider a fair settlement?
They grin triumphantly as we...
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
Detective Fleeber is making his report to a couple of LIEUTENANTS, who try not to giggle as he speaks.
FLEEBER
... I know this sounds insane, but I think I know whoÕs behind the bizarre calls weÕve been getting.
(drops report on desk)
In reviewing old cases, I uncovered a police encounter with a cartoon character 35 years ago...
LIEUTENANT #1
(trying to keep a straight face)
I see. How do you intend to track this creature down... with an Acme rocket pack?
The two Lieutenants burst into laughter. FleeberÕs jaw tightens indignantly.
FLEEBER
Laugh all you want, but someone - or someTHING - is on the loose in Los Angeles, and IÕm going to stop it.
LIEUTENANT #2
Be vewwy, vewwy quiet - heÕs hunting wabbits.
The officers are doubled over in hysterics. Fleeber glares at them angrily.
FLEEBER
Fine - you think itÕs funny? You solve it. IÕve had it with this case.
LIEUTENANT #1
Th-th-th-thatÕs all, folks!
The phone RINGS, Lieutenant #1 answering as he tries to stop laughing.
LIEUTENANT #1
Yeah... huh? Again?
(looks up - serious)
SomeoneÕs tearing up the courthouse again. Same m.o. as yesterday...
FLEEBER
Lemme guess - a big dog-thing?
LIEUTENANT #1
No, a lawyer. NameÕs Webster.
FLEEBER
(rolls it over)
Webster... thatÕs the name of the woman who was with the cartoon when it was arrested...
The Lieutenants hurry to the door, pulling on their coats.
LIEUTENANT #1
There are no cartoons running around LA, Arnie! You keep this up and youÕre gonna end up working as a mall cop in the Valley...
FLEEBER
(watching them go)
What a bunch of maroons.
CUT TO:
EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY
The Huge Man is about to enter the courthouse wearing a neckbrace, crutches, and a sling. He approaches a guard.
HUGE MAN
WhereÕs room twelve? IÕm late - my case is Dibble vs. the slippery, ill-conceived third step at the Post Office...
The doors burst open, the jury and spectators from the courtroom stampeding out, trampling the Huge Man.
HUGE MAN
Hey! Ow! I want all your names! Your lawyers will be hearing from my lawyers!
They are followed by Harold, tongue EXTENDING and RETRACTING as he pants.
HAROLD
This is exhausting. I gotta get in shape...
ANGIE (o.s.)
Harold?
Harold turns to see Angie step out of the courthouse. Their eyes meet - his SPINNING, one DANGLING on a spring.
ANGIE (cont.)
I have something I need to say...
HAROLD
(tenderly)
I know - sometimes in a relationship people grow apart. Our lives have taken different paths. ItÕs no oneÕs fault, it just happens. Is that it?
ANGIE
No. I want the house, the cars and the stock portfolio. My lawyer will be in touch.
HaroldÕs hand takes the shape of a MALLET again. Just as he raises it a half-dozen squad cars scream down the road toward the courthouse. Seeing them, Harold begins to SPIN RAPIDLY, becoming a small TORNADO. He ZOOMS AWAY, ricocheting off cars and lampposts, uprooting bushes and trees. The Huge Man jumps up, tossing away his neckbrace, crutches and sling.
HUGE MAN
(running for car)
Wait - I know that guy! IÕd rather sue him! Somebody stop that guy!
The cops, led by Lieutenants #1 and 2, charge the courthouse. Angie stands in the midst of the destruction, Lieutenant #1 approaching her cautiously.
LIEUTENANT #1
Okay, lady - take it easy. Keep your hands where we can see Ôem.
ANGIE
Are you nuts? IÕm not the one you want, itÕs my husband! HeÕs turned into a cartoon, just like his father. I told this to another man last night - his father is Wacky Wolf, who came out of a movie thirty-five years ago...
The Lieutenants look to one another, rolling their eyes. Holstering their guns, they gently lead Angie away, speaking quietly, not wanting to agitate the wacko.
LIEUTENANT #1
How interesting... your name wouldnÕt be Webster, would it?
ANGIE
(growing hysterical)
ItÕs the truth! He knocked up a human woman and she gave birth to my stupid husband! DonÕt patronize me, you flat-headed jerk...
CUT TO:
INT. EDDIEÕS CAR - DAY
Eddie and Mary sit in the front seat of his ratty car. Eddie drives, while Shep sits in the back, bored.
EDDIE
Why didnÕt you come to me, tell me you were still in love with Wacky?
MARY
Are you kidding? What was I supposed to do - marry him? I think there are laws against people marrying animals. Even cartoon ones. Especially cartoon ones!
SHEP
ItÕs just that kind of bigotry that leads to the continuing chasm between races and religions.
They turn and look at Shep, who shrugs, embarrassed.
SHEP
Oh, sorry.
(dumb voice)
Du-uuh... are we there yet?
MARY
(turns back to Eddie)
Besides, what could you do about it? He canÕt live out here, and I canÕt live in a cartoon.
EDDIE
YouÕd be surprised...
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - DAY
Dirty and disheveled, Harold makes his way down the street, trying to act natural. A police siren BLASTS out behind him, his head DUCKING DOWN INTO HIS SHIRT COLLAR. As the police car tears past an eye PEEKS OUT OF THE COLLAR, scanning the scene. It PERKS UP when he sees... 'Glee-Toons' Productions. Relieved, Harold races into the studio - crashing through the front door, leaving a PERFECT OUTLINE OF HIS BODY.
INT. 'GLEE-TOONS' - SCREENING ROOM
Harold hurries inside, making a beeline for the projector. He turns it on, getting a shock - his entire body going RIGID, eyes BUGGING OUT and hair STANDING ON END, his SKELETON VISIBLE inside his body.
HAROLD
(yanks hand away)
Jesus, this is worse than puberty...
The projector rattles to life, the farmyard scene projected on the wall.
HAROLD
Hey, dad!
Wacky hurries into frame, staring at Harold uncertainly.
WACKY
Harold...?
Harold flashes a huge smile, at least a HUNDRED TEETH in his mouth, glinting brightly. His eyes DANGLE ON SPRINGS, hair still STANDING STRAIGHT UP.
WACKY (cont.)
... You look great!
The other cartoon characters step into frame, peering out at Harold.
HOMELY COW
Awww, heÕs got his fatherÕs eyes...
Wacky hops OFFSCREEN, giving Harold a hug. Harold seems uncomfortable with his current physical state.
HAROLD
Uh, do you think you could tell me how to...
(gestures to eyes on springs)
... you know.
WACKY
ItÕs easy. Hold your nose and snort.
Frowning uncertainly, Harold pinches his nose and snorts, his eyes ZIPPING back into his head, ROLLING like pinwheels.
HAROLD
I canÕt believe this. I hit Warren Crawford with a mallet - and liked it! Only I think the cops are after me.
Wacky smacks Harold on the side of the head, causing his eyes to STOP ROLLING, RATTLING into place.
HAROLD
Thanks, I was starting to get seasick. I wish I could control this.
WACKY
What, are you kidding? You've been controlling it your whole life. Keeping it hidden. This is your true nature, Harold. This is who you are. And now the cops are after you...
(ruffles hair)
I couldnÕt be more proud...
CUT TO:
INT. SQUAD CAR - DAY
Fleeber follows Harold's path, unable to believe his eyes. There are OUTLINES of Harold's body through hedges, buildings, and brick walls. Fleeber pulls up to ÔGlee-ToonsÕ at the same time as the Huge Man, both climbing out of their cars.
EXT. ÔGLEE-TOONSÕ PRODUCTIONS
Fleeber calls to the Huge Man, recognizing him.
FLEEBER
Is this the guy who attacked you?
HUGE MAN
Yup, this is definitely his work. Jeez, this looks like a lot of property damage. I want it on record that IÕm suing him first.
CUT TO:
INT. 'GLEE-TOONS' - SCREENING ROOM
Harold's feeling confused and upset.
HAROLD
This is terrible. My life's a wreck - I lost my job, my wife... I don't feel like I belong anywhere...
WACKY
Who cares? Your job sucked, your wife was a bitch - face it, your life blew chunks.
HAROLD
No more MTV for you...
They turn as Fleeber and the Huge Man rush in.
HUGE MAN
ThatÕs them! TheyÕre the ones who paralyzed me!
FLEEBER
Police - freeze!
Wacky and Harold immediately TURN BLUE, ICICLES HANGING from their bodies. Fleeber smugly reaches for his handcuffs when suddenly the Homely Cow bursts OUT OF THE CARTOON, squealing excitedly.
HOMELY COW
Oh boy - MEN!!!
She leaps for the two men, who turn to see her grotesque face inches away, lips puckered and ready. As they wrestle with the Homely Cow, Wacky grabs Harold by the arm, yanking him toward the farmyard scene projected on the wall.
WACKY
C'mon - let's get outta here!
Wacky and Harold both jump INTO THE CARTOON.
INSERT - FARMYARD - ANIMATION
As he crosses from the real world into the cartoon world Harold undergoes a strange transformation - heÕs now a FULL-FLEDGED CARTOON CHARACTER, his features rounded and caricatured, his motions fluid. He examines himself, astounded.
HAROLD
Jesus! I'm a cartoon...
WACKY
I told you - it was in you all along.
They look back into the...
INT. ÔGLEE-TOONSÕ - SCREENING ROOM
... where Fleeber and the Huge Man struggle with the Homely Cow.
HOMELY COW
This is magic - my udders are tingling!
Fleeber and the Huge Man manage to jam the Homely Cow into a large trunk, Fleeber pointing at Harold and Wacky angrily.
FLEEBER
Follow those... those... well, just follow them!
Fleeber and the Huge Man run and jump INTO THE CARTOON as well.
INSERT - FARMYARD - ANIMATION
Fleeber and the Huge Man RETAIN THEIR HUMAN SHAPES, Fleeber firing at Harold and Wacky. They scream, BRICKS PLOPPING OUT OF THEIR PANT LEGS.
WACKY
Uh-oh. Don't they know this cartoon is a comedy?
Wacky grabs Harold's hand, dragging him along as he races off in a cloud of dust. Fleeber and the Huge Man try to acclimate themselves to their new environment.
FLEEBER
Why do I feel like the coyote in a roadrunner cartoon?
HUGE MAN
(looks around, grins)
Don't worry, I've seen this cartoon before. Follow me!
They head after Wacky and Harold, tiptoeing toward the pigpen. Once there the Huge Man LIFTS the mud off the ground like a blanket, to reveal Wacky and Harold hiding underneath.
HUGE MAN
See? I told you I've seen this cartoon!
WACKY
Sneak.
Wacky SHAKES out the 'blanket', which lands on the men as mud... pigs CRASHING down on them as well. Wacky and Harold race off, Harold looking to Wacky uncertainly.
HAROLD
What do I do?
WACKY
Remember what I showed you this morning. Do what comes naturally!
HAROLD
Cry and beg for my life?
WACKY
Very funny - try this...
Wacky dives behind a tree, yanking Harold with him. He reaches into his pocket, PULLING OUT two dresses and FLINGING them over Harold and himself.
HAROLD
Not this old bit!
WACKY
If you want to be a cartoon, you have to accessorize.
Wacky quickly adds wigs, lipstick, eyelashes and powder.
HAROLD
Does mom know you're into this?
WACKY
Ssssh! Here they come...
Fleeber and the Huge Man run past, still shaking off the cartoon mud. Wacky steps from behind the tree, calling to them in a high-pitched, feminine voice.
WACKY
Oh, boys...
They skid to a halt as Wacky and Harold lean seductively against the tree, a trombone playing a SASSY RIFF. Wacky reaches out, running his hand tenderly along the Huge ManÕs cheek.
WACKY
What have we here - a real man? Look at the muscles, the eyes, the comb-over... Do you know how long it's been since we've seen a real man?
The Huge Man grins, smitten, as Fleeber eyes them suspiciously.
HUGE MAN
Uh, no... heh heh... how long?
WACKY
Ages! We have to spend all our time with stinky olÕ cows and oinky olÕ pigs...
HAROLD
It's almost as bad as a singles bar.
The Huge Man is totally relaxed as Wacky runs his fingers through his hair.
HUGE MAN
Maybe someone needs to take you away from all this...
Wacky throws back his head in a girlish laugh - ears POPPING out from under his wig. Fleeber cries out:
FLEEBER
It's them!
Fleeber SHOOTS at Harold and Wacky, bullets RIPPING into the trees around them as they scurry away. Harold yanks off his wig as he runs, then pulls a couple rolls of toilet paper from the front of his dress, tossing them back at the men.
HAROLD
Jesus! Guns work in here? I'm going to be found dead in a dress - just like my high school gym teacher said!
In hot pursuit, Fleeber and the Huge Man duck the toilet paper rolls - which are followed by a dozen more.
HUGE MAN
I'll teach them to make me question my masculinity! Mental anguish - worth an extra 25 grand...
FLEEBER
How much did these guys stuff into their bras, anyway?
Just then an entire ladies room CRASHES down on them, landing with a crunch.
CUT TO:
INT. 'GLEE-TOONS' - SCREENING ROOM
The other cartoon characters look out of the cartoon and into the screening room, realizing that they're alone.
HOMELY COW
They left the projector on.
BRAWNY BULL
What should we do?
MELVIN MOUSE
We could see what's out there.
FARMER JOHN
Go outside? We could get hurt out there.
MELVIN MOUSE
Wacky does it.
BRAWNY BULL
Yeah, and they dropped a piano on his head. I hear they do terrible, horrible things to our kind out there.
There is a moment of silent thought. Then:
FARMER JOHN
Well, he did get laid.
With that all the cartoons hop OFF THE SCREEN, heading eagerly out the door.
CUT TO:
EXT. 'GLEE-TOONS' PRODUCTIONS - DAY
The cartoon characters pour out of the studio, squinting in the sunlight. They look around at all the sights, feeling the grass between their toes, breathing the air - it's all a new experience for them. They look to one another uncertainly.
BRAWNY BULL
Now what?
General murmuring and shrugging of shoulders. Finally Sweety Squirrel steps forward bravely, as cute and adorable as ever.
SWEETY SQUIRREL
This is a brand new world! We shouldn't be afraid, we should be excited! We can make new friends, and spread joy and happiness to all the new places we'll go. C'mon gang, whaddaya say? Are ya with me?
Gesturing for them to follow him, Sweety Squirrel steps off the curb... and is immediately FLATTENED by a passing car. The others just stare blankly. A beat.
MELVIN MOUSE
So, poker?
OTHER CARTOONS
Yeah, poker... Great... Sounds good... Poker it is...
They turn, shuffling back into the studio as we...
CUT TO:
INSERT - FARMYARD - ANIMATION
Fleeber and the Huge Man chase Harold and Wacky all over the landscape, ZOOMING up and down mountains, RACING through valleys, SWIMMING across lakes... until they run OUT OF THE MOVIE FRAME, the film sprockets visible. Standing in a white void, all four characters exchange startled looks.
WACKY
Oooops - too far.
Wacky and Harold HOP BACK INTO THE FILM, followed by the men.
HAROLD
Y'know, I think I'm getting the hang of this...
WACKY
Good - you take it from here.
With that Wacky hops OFF THE SCREEN, leaving Harold running by himself.
HAROLD
What? Hey! Dad? Daddy? Da-da? Don't leave me!
INT. 'GLEE TOONS' - SCREENING ROOM
Wacky takes a seat, relaxing as he watches Harold onscreen.
WACKY
You can do it, Harold - you're my son! Just remember, when in doubt, follow your instincts.
INSERT - FARMYARD - ANIMATION
Harold continues to run, the Huge Man and Fleeber gaining.
FLEEBER
Damage to public property... resisting arrest... assaulting a police officer... and stealing jokes from stupid cartoons!
Harold stops, pulling a pencil from his pocket, using it to ERASE a line down the middle of the background. Fleeber and the Huge Man SMASH into the blank line like a brick wall. Groggy, they give each other a boost, climbing over the erasure.
INT. 'GLEE-TOONS' - SCREENING ROOM
Wacky laughs, eating a bowl of popcorn as he watches the action in the cartoon. He calls out to Harold onscreen.
WACKY
Atta boy! Remember to check your pockets!
The other cartoons step in, watching Harold with interest.
INSERT - FARMYARD - ANIMATION
Harold nods, concentrating. As Fleeber and the Huge Man race up he reaches behind his back, pulling out an animated baseball bat, WHACKING them over the heads. Enjoying this, he reaches back and pulls out a SLEDGEHAMMER, bonking them again. Then a PIANO... then a CAR... a BOAT... a PLANE - the men buckling a little more with each blow.
Aiming his pistol, Fleeber squeezes off a shot, hitting Harold. Harold pauses, a large HOLE through his midsection.
HAROLD
(frowns)
I hope you're paying for this suit...
HUGE MAN
That's it! I'm outta here!
FLEEBER
Coward! Traitor! Quitter! Wait for me!
They run for their lives. Laughing his silly, cartoon laugh, Harold pulls a CANNON from his pocket. Jumping inside, he yanks the fire cord and SHOOTS himself after them. Stretched out comfortably, head resting on his hand, Harold quickly catches up with the policemen.
HAROLD
How do you like it in two dimensions, boys?
The two men scream, running faster. Keeping pace, Harold taps Fleeber on the shoulder, pointing downward. Fleeber looks down to see that they've run off a cliff, and are now racing along in mid-air. A sick look on his face, Fleeber points this out to the Huge Man, who swallows with a loud GULP. They immediately plummet OUT OF FRAME, Harold diving after them. Fleeber and the Huge Man hold each other tight as they fall, the ground seemingly miles beneath them.
FLEEBER & HUGE MAN
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!
Harold catches up with them, legs crossed and very relaxed as they continue to fall.
HAROLD
Don't worry, guys - it's only a cartoon...
Fleeber and the Huge Man stop screaming and exchange relieved looks.
FLEEBER
Hey, that's right...
HAROLD
Wait a minute, I forgot - you're not cartoons...
The two men look down to see the ground rushing up at them.
FLEEBER & HUGE MAN
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!
They CRASH to the ground, leaving a huge hole. Harold stops an inch before impact to grab a mattress, put it underneath him and land gently. Wacky jumps back ONSCREEN, grinning from ear to ear as he pounds Harold on the back proudly.
WACKY
That's my boy! I knew you could do it. Well, I suspected you could do it. Actually I was pretty worried - but you did great!
HAROLD
You know what? I like it here! I like being a cartoon!
(looks himself over)
I think Technicolor suits me. IÕm home!
WACKY
Well... I wouldnÕt say that.
HAROLD
(insulted)
What do you mean? YouÕve spent all this time telling me IÕm a cartoon. Now what - youÕre saying IÕm not?
WACKY
YouÕre part cartoon - but youÕre more human. Now that you know who you are you can go back to your world and live a happy life.
HAROLD
Big help you are! IÕm part this and part that... I might belong here but not there... I still donÕt know what I am!
WACKY
YouÕre my son, Harold. I love you.
They stare at each other, HaroldÕs eyes growing moist with emotion. Those are words heÕs waited his whole life to hear. The moment is broken by MOANING and GRUMBLING from the hole in the ground, Wacky picking it up and shaking it until Fleeber and the Huge Man fall out.
HUGE MAN
I always hated this cartoon...
They look up to find themselves face to face with the Homely Cow, who squeals excitedly.
HOMELY COW
I just knew I'd find you here...
She gives them both a big, wet kiss. We SWISH PAN to the cow pasture, where Brawny Bull looks up to see the Homely Cow kissing the two men. He SNORTS, eyes GLOWING red and horns SHOOTING SMOKE as he rears up and charges. Fleeber and the Huge Man pull away from the Homely Cow just in time to see the bull steaming toward them.
FLEEBER & HUGE MAN
Oh, ____!
'CENSORED' signs appear over their mouths as the bull rams them from behind.
EXT. 'GLEE-TOONS' PRODUCTIONS
Fleeber and the Huge Man BURST through the roof, arcing through the air just as Eddie's car pulls to the curb, Mary, Eddie and Shep climbing out. They watch as the two men disappear into the sky.
EDDIE
Uh-oh. I don't think my insurance will cover this...
They all hurry inside.
CUT TO:
INT. 'GLEE-TOONS' - SCREENING ROOM
Mary steps into the room, frantic. Eddie and Shep close behind.
MARY
Harold? Where's Harold? Has anyone seen him?
HAROLD (o.s.)
Up here, mom...
Mary looks at the screen and gasps, Harold and Wacky grinning back at her.
HAROLD
I'm a full-fledged cartoon.
WACKY
You shoulda seen him - he's got a natural talent for this stuff.
Harold and Wacky hop OFFSCREEN, Harold RETURNING TO HUMAN FORM. Bright-eyed, he speaks to Mary excitedly.
HAROLD
It was like second nature. All my life I've felt uncomfortable, like I didn't really fit in my own body. But this... it was great!
EDDIE
Yeah, great. Do you know how much damage you did letting Wacky out? IÕve had it. I want everybody back in, then IÕm going to take that damn projector apart!
The cartoons mutter to one another, shocked.
HOMELY COW
You donÕt mean it...
FARMER JOHN
Yeah, Eddie. What about us?
BRAWNY BULL
I thought we were friends...
Eddie lowers his head miserably.
EDDIE
IÕm sorry. I don't know what else to do.
MARY
I have an idea, Eddie - I think I know a way to shoot new cartoons at half the cost and in half the time.
EDDIE
No limited animation! I'll starve first.
WACKY
(skinny - ribs showing)
Too late. YouÕve been on the Mahatma Gandhi diet for years now.
MARY
No - shoot the cartoons live action.
(gestures to cartoons around her)
We've got all the talent we need right here.
The cartoons perk up at this suggestion, agreeing.
BRAWNY BULL
That's a great idea!
MELVIN MOUSE
Yeah, we haven't worked in years! CÕmon, Eddie...
HOMELY COW
Puh-leeeeeze...
Eddie thinks about it, a surprised grin spreading across his face.
EDDIE
YÕknow, that just might work...
He is cut off by a womanÕs voice.
JULIA (o.s.)
Mr. Webster...
They all turn to see Julia standing in the doorway, holding HaroldÕs briefcase.
JULIA (cont.)
... You forgot your briefcase.
A glimmer in his eye, Harold steps forward, intrigued.
HAROLD
HowÕd you know I was here?
JULIA
I didnÕt exactly need a magnifying glass to follow your trail.
HAROLD
You know, I never really noticed you before...
JULIA
I know.
(hands him briefcase)
Your briefcase, Mr. Webster.
HAROLD
(tosses briefcase over shoulder)
Harold.
JULIA
Harold. YouÕre gonna have to show me how you do all that stuff sometime.
They look into each othersÕ eyes, HEARTS FLOATING above HaroldÕs head. Wacky and Mary look on, smiling like a couple of proud parents.
WACKY
I guess IÕm gonna have to tell him about the facts of life.
(seriously)
You and I made one great kid, Mary.
MARY
Yeah, we did, didnÕt we?
WACKY
I know I donÕt belong in your world, but... howÕd ya like to try mine? No woman in either world can compare with you. I can draw an extra room onto my house.
MARY
(surprised, but tempted)
I... I donÕt know what to say. I wish I could...
Eavesdropping, Eddie steps forward, the other cartoons listening in.
EDDIE
You can...
(takes helmet from theatre seat)
Something we discovered after you left. It works both ways.
Eddie takes MaryÕs hands tenderly.
EDDIE (cont.)
You lost thirty-five years of your life - your youth - because of me. Let me give them back.
WACKY
WeÕll be the greatest screen pair since Tracy and Hepburn, Astaire and Rogers...
MARY
... Beauty and the Beast.
WACKY
I love a woman with a smart mouth! CÕmon, babe - whaddaya say?
The other cartoons voice their support. Mary grins, eyes sparkling.
MARY
I always did wonder what itÕd be like...
(they cheer - she kisses Eddie on cheek)
Thanks, Eddie...
Eddie grins, slipping the helmet onto her head. He steps to the technicianÕs console, turning the switches to ÔmaximumÕ. The strange ELECTRICAL IMPULSE ZAPS down the wires and over Mary, who begins to TRANSFORM: her skin takes on a smooth, airbrushed texture, her hair turns a vibrant brown, and her youthful shape returns. She has become a beautiful, ageless cartoon character.
WACKY
Bay-bee!!! What lines, what ink flow, what artistry... ItÕs obvious Eddie here didnÕt draw you...
MARY
I feel like thirty years have been erased...
WACKY
ItÕll be just like the old days - only now youÕll be a whole lot more limber.
HOWLING, Wacky slips his arm around her, hand draped over her breast. She quickly JAMS his arms INTO HIS MOUTH and OUT THROUGH HIS EARS.
MARY
And now I can handle him.
WACKY
(arms still stuck in his mouth)
Ith it any wonder why IÕm tho crathy about her?
EDDIE
So, I guess everythingÕs back to normal, huh?
HAROLD
No, itÕs not... thank God.
Everyone laughs as we...
CUT TO:
EXT. 'GLEE-TOONS' PRODUCTIONS - DAY
Two ROAD WORKERS in orange vests and hard hats scrape the flattened Sweety Squirrel off the street with shovels. As soon as they pry him up he POPS back into shape, glaring at the men angrily - all sweetness now gone.
SWEETY SQUIRREL
Hey, careful, you jerks! Whaddaya think you're doing? Watch the pelt, fer chrissakes! Stupid jag-offs.
CUT TO:
EXT. TREE - DAY
Fleeber and the Huge Man are perched in the top of a tree, bruised, battered and defeated. Dazed, they sit quietly, Fleeber turning to the Huge Man.
FLEEBER
I'm thinking of becoming a mall cop...
The Huge Man nods his head understandingly as we...
IRIS OUT
IRIS IN ON:
INT. HOSPITAL - DOCTOR'S LOUNGE - DAY
A group of DOCTORS sit around the room, watching TV.
SUPERIMPOSE TITLE: Nine months later...
A telethon plays on the TV, a sickly sentimental COMEDIAN speaking to us, near tears.
COMEDIAN (on TV)
... So please send your dollars. Your money goes to help people like...
(CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal)
... Angie Webster. Angie is what doctors technically refer to as a ÔnutcaseÕ. Once a normal, functioning member of society, Angie is now a babbling wreck, convinced that cartoon characters are real...
Angie stares blankly into the CAMERA, a nervous tic causing her face to twitch. One of the Doctors calls out:
DOCTOR #2
Bo-oooring! I see enough of these people every day.
(changes channel to cartoon)
ThatÕs more like it.
Wild music blares from the TV, animated titles flashing onscreen:
GLEE-TOONS PRESENTS:
WACKY WOLF in...
'MAKE ROOM FOR WOLFY'
Produced, Written and Directed by EDDIE GLEE
The 'Eddie Glee' is crossed out, 'Wacky Wolf' scrawled in its place. The Doctors watch the cartoon, laughing as a loud CRASH comes from the TV.
DOCTOR #2
Oooh, that had to hurt...
Glancing up at the cartoon, an older Doctor - who we recognize as the man who delivered Harold over thirty-five years ago - turns to the younger Doctor thoughtfully.
DOCTOR
This reminds me - did I ever tell you about the time...
He is cut off by another CRASH - this time from the hallway. A gurney is wheeled past the door, a Nurse calling into the room.
NURSE
Doctor, I need some help - we have a mother ready to deliver here...
INT. HOSPITAL - DELIVERY ROOM
The Doctors and Nurse (who we also recognize from thirty-five years ago) attend to the woman on the delivery table, calling to her encouragingly.
DOCTOR
It's coming... push!
WOMAN
I'm tired of pushing - you pull!
NURSE
Here it comes...
The Doctor leans in close as the baby begins to emerge.
DOCTOR
It's... it's...
Suddenly a WHITE-GLOVED HAND comes out, squeezing the DoctorÕs nose with a HONK. We TRACK AROUND to see that the woman on the table is Rachel Christopher, who - along with the Doctor and Nurse - cries out in surprise.
ALL
It's his... !
A riot begins in the delivery room, metal CLANGING and glass BREAKING. Instead of a baby's first cry we hear a squeaky, high pitched 'woop woop' as we IRIS OUT with a slide whistle sound.
THE END