THE TED DAVIS
It goes without saying that this list is TOP SECRET. If any WOMEN find this, then it'll be all over, and they'll know all our hard-won wisdom (i.e., that we don't have any). So keep this comprehensive list to yourselves, gentlemen -- the long-standing success and stability of our very society depends on its secrecy.
Without further adieu, the Bachelor Tip Bible starts with four GOLDEN RULES:
THE ART OF NON-SEDUCTION: HOW TO NOT PICK UP WOMEN
Bachelor Tip #95: In social situations, women assume every guy is hitting on them. So if you're obviously hitting on her, then, to her, you're just another guy.
Bachelor Tip #94: Corny pickup lines to avoid - "I've lost my phone number - can I have yours?" "The word of the day is legs... what do you say, let's go back to my place and spread the word?" "Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?" "I know your legs must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all day." "I was just wondering if heaven knows you're here, because it's missing an angel."
Bachelor Tip #93: More corny pickup lines to avoid - "Hey baby, how would you like to join me in some math? Let's add you and me, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply!" Stick finger in drink, flick it on her shirt, then: "How about we get out of these wet clothes?" "You know where that dress would look great? On the floor in my bedroom."
Bachelor Tip #92: Even more corny pickup lines to avoid - "Do you have a quarter I can borrow? I told my mother I would call her when I fell in love." "(Her name)? My mother's name is (her name)." "Do you want to go in halves on a baby?" "If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it against me?" "Your face or mine?" "If I gave you some negligee, would there be anything in it for me?" "How'd you like three inches of pink steel?"
NOW THAT YOU AREN'T PICKING HER UP... HOW TO PICK HER UP
Bachelor Tip #91: Good pick-up line - "Hey, are those scary jerks annoying you with their corny pickup lines? How about I just sit here and pretend to be with you, until they leave you alone..."
Bachelor Tip #90: First impressions are important, so always have positive body language, an empathetic smile, a strong sense of humor, honest questions, supportive responses, and most importantly, a Porsche fob on your keychain.
Bachelor Tip #89: (Courtesy of TCSN) "Tell her your hopes and fears, tell her your secret desires -- everything deep down inside -- then you’re in there, baby! Sell her on the product. You need brand recognition -- sell the sizzle, and pound that message home." NOTE: Don't tell her your real hopes and fears - just the ones that she'd find interesting. See tip #43, "THE OLD HONESTY GAG."
Which brings us to the most important tip for picking up women:
Bachelor Tip #87: The 'James Coburn' is not just a rakish grin; It is a ray of sunshine so bright it burns the skin; It is a boast - but not a brag; an invitation - but not a pass; a shared secret - but not a scandal; a gift - but not a gratuity; It's a gleaming treasure chest, yawning wide to reveal 32 perfect, pearly-white jewels, shining brightly like a thousand suns... still, don't forget the Porsche fob -- just to be sure.
Bachelor Tip #86: The 'James Coburn' is an art that must be practiced. You must know when to use the "In Like Flint," the "Hard Times," or the "Magnificent Seven" with a woman... and then, ultimately, know when it's time to make "The Great Escape." It's not easy. Even James Coburn had to practice the 'James Coburn.' (Watch, at right.)
Bachelor Tip #86-A: If the 'James Coburn' bombs, remember that while he was an Oscar winner, even he could follow an "In Like Flint" with a "Waterhole No. 3."
(CALL IT COURTSHIP AND YOU'LL BE DATING YOURSELF -- LITERALLY)
Bachelor Tip #84: If she only loves you for your money, then she doesn't really love you -- but that's okay, because you don't really have any money, anyway.
Bachelor Tip #83: Women in a relationship will not tell you if you're having a sex problem... but they will tell their friends, their mother, people on the elevator...
Bachelor Tip #82: In a relationship, expect a two or three week period in which your girlfriend will become completely fascinated with your penis. Dr. Frankenstein couldn't have devised more hideous experiments. (NOTE: If the experiments start to involve acid or butcher knives, then she doesn't like you anymore).
Bachelor Tip #81: Never date anybody from your work. When you're fooling around you'll feel like you should be working, and when you're working you'll feel like you should be fooling around... And when you break up she'll accuse you of doing both.
Bachelor Tip #80: Honesty is the most important thing in a relationship... if you can fake that, you have a good shot.
Bachelor Tip #79: Date foreign women. When you're acting like an a-hole, she'll assume it's a problem with your culture and not with you.
Bachelor Tip #78: No matter how hot the girl, some guy somewhere thinks she's a pain in the ass... although, who the hell cares what that guy thinks? I'm just trying to get laid, here.
Remember... What would James Coburn do?
(DON'T GET COMMITTED)
Bachelor Tip #76: Men go into a marriage thinking, "She'll never change." Women go into a marriage thinking, "I can change him."
Bachelor Tip #75: "Rock-to-cock ratio:" Women prorate the size of the penis you give them to the size of the ring you give them.
Bachelor Tip #74: Women are looking for a real catch; Men prefer to catch and release.
Bachelor Tip #73: Men and women are not from Venus and Mars. They're from Earth. If they were from Venus and Mars, then their behavior on this planet would be a lot easier to understand.
Bachelor Tip #72: "I would never ask you for premarital sex... but I have no intention of getting married, so let's have sex."
Bachelor Tip #70: A woman's greatest fear is to be seen as a sex object; a man's greatest dream is to be seen as a sex object.
Bachelor Tip #69: There are two types of women: Women who swallow, and women we don't date anymore.
Bachelor Tip #68: Occassionally women will accuse you of crazy things with no factual basis, having no evidence, for which any rational response would be impossible. We call this 'psychosis.' Women call this 'intuition.'
Bachelor Tip #67: Character is important to a woman. So she likes to know that you're still friendly with all of your ex-girlfriends... But:
A: The first time she catches you actually speaking to an ex-girlfriend, get ready for a fight. And...
B: Never stay on "friendly" terms with an ex-girlfriend in the first place, you dope. Think back -- you didn't break up with her because you were getting along, and the terms she used then were NOT "friendly."
Bachelor Tip #66: The Successful Bachelor's answer to every question: "It wasn't me. I was never there. Your friends are wrong."
Bachelor Tip #66-A: The Successful Bachelor's follow-up when she doesn't buy the first answer: "I said, it wasn't me. I wasn't there. Maybe your friends are trying to hurt you."
Bachelor Tip #65: To get a good idea of how a girlfriend will look in a few years, check out her mom.
Bachelor Tip #64: You just slept with your girlfriend's mom? You shouldn't have been checking her out...
Bachelor Tip #64-A: "I did not sleep with your mom. I don't know why your mom said that. Maybe your mom is trying to hurt you."
GOING DEEPER: THE ACCESSORIZED FEMALE
Bachelor Tip #63: Women are more sex-crazed than men. Case in point: It's fine for women to have vibrators, but is it okay for men to get caught hiding huge pink vibrating plastic vaginas in their dresser drawers? Noooooooo!
Bachelor Tip #62: When dating a single mother, you're dating the kid, too. Embrace the kid and she will embrace you. (Don't mention this one in public. If misinterpreted, you could go to jail.)
Bachelor Tip #59: When you aren't dating, your main nighttime activity will watching Then Came Tree re-runs with your friends. Then Came Tree contains everything that an available bachelor craves: ass-kicking, a damsel in distress, dumb white trash racists who you can look down on and feel better about yourself, and most importantly, JAMES COBURN in a cameo as a gunslinger/assassin-for-hire "Virgil Fang" during the season one episode "Tree Strikes and You're Out" (there was only one season). As watching the same 23 episodes over and over could be a little depressing, the main activity to participate in during Then Came Tree re-runs is playing poker with your friends, in which they will do to you with cards what you would've been doing to your date.
Bachelor Tip #59-A: Best poker games: Crisscross, low card in hand is wild, high-low split; Seven-card Anaconda, pass to the right, low card in your hand is wild, high-low split, roll your own and you must declare; Four card Clint-shit, loser matches the pot; Low-high, buck-'em, fuck-'em, three-balled queens are wild, and eat me out on Tuesday. ("Straights count against you?" "What are you, high?")
Bachelor Tip #58: Another hobby when you aren't dating is joining a rotisserie league. NOTE: If you have more than three rotisserie league teams, you need to start dating again.
Bachelor Tip #57: "When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"--Groucho Marx (Yeah, I stole it -- it's a good line!)
Bachelor Tip #55: In the stripper business, "harass" is two words.
Bachelor Tip #54: Yes, we all know your stripper isn't really a "working on her PHD" like she's telling you, but play along. She should be allowed to fantasize during a lapdance, too.
Bachelor Tip #54-A: The more clothes come off, the more armor goes up.
Bachelor Tip #54-B: There's no such thing as a stripper with a heart of gold. If she had anything gold, she's long since pawned it for cocaine.
Bachelor Tip #54-C: Stripper perfume is the most powerful scent in nature. No amount of cologne, soap, shit, or showering can remove it. Your girlfriend will still smell it. Burn your clothes, shave off all your hair... and I still can't guarantee you won't get caught.
Bachelor Tip #52: Newton's Law of love says that "love can neither be created nor destroyed." However, it can create a girlfriend who will destroy your credit rating.
Bachelor Tip #51: "Sexist" is an ugly word... that's why I prefer "post-feminist."
Bachelor Tip #50: Be discriminating and always play it safe -- I try to play it safe 2-3 times a week.
Bachelor Tip #49: It's okay to call a woman the day after a date... but only if you left your wallet at her apartment.
Bachelor Tip #48: A true bachelor's idea of commitment is putting a girl on speed-dial.
Bachelor Tip #47: Men can become fathers at any age, so don't worry about any biological clock... Just don't wait too long, or she'll have to change your diapers along with the kid's.
Bachelor Tip #46: Never zip up real quick when you're not wearing underwear.
Bachelor Tip #45: Foods that diminish the male sex drive: Anything fried, anything with grease or fat. Food that diminishes a woman's sex drive: Wedding cake.
Bachelor Tip #44: Don't feel bad if you see your ex with someone else. Remember, you should always give the things you don't need to the less fortunate.
Bachelor Tip #43: When you are caught, desperate, or want to play headgames, you can use "THE OLD HONESTY GAG." NOTE: Never be honest for its own sake, and be selective in your honesty - it's just a means to get you laid. Remember, if you were always truly honest, she'd know all you ever really think about is sex, and she'd hate you.
Bachelor Tip #42: Never lie. Am I telling the truth about this? I'll never tell.
Bachelor Tip #41: Beauty is only skin deep -- but that's as deep as your eyes can see, so let's hear it for beauty!
NOTE: James Coburn would never have needed to read 60 Bachelor Tips to score with a woman. You should be ashamed of yourself.
NOTE: Always capitalize the first letter. When she's close, hum "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" until you've finished writing.
Bachelor Tip #39: Bachelors all should know a few tricks sexually -- other than beg, roll over and play dead.
Bachelor Tip #38: Sex with love is great, but sex for revenge ain't bad, either! (Also Bachelorette Tip #488).
Bachelor Tip #37: Never leave the bed until she's asleep. If she's still awake, she isn't finished having sex.
Bachelor Tip #37-A: Hate is a passion, too. Don't let dislike get in the way of really good sex.
Bachelor Tip #36: Never pay for sex... with credit cards.
Bachelor Tip #35: When grabbing a lotion out of the medicine cabinet for lubrication, make sure it doesn't include a tanning element.
Bachelor Tip #33: Never create a meal that takes longer to cook than it does to eat.
Bachelor Tip #33-A: Wine pairings are extremely important. The more you serve, the less she can taste your cooking.
Bachelor Tip #33-B: Not a wine guy? Simply serve red wine with red meats and white wines with white meats. Offer champagne with dessert. Discriminating ladies are impressed by Dom Pérignon Champagne ($119.00 per bottle); less discriminating ladies will be impressed by Ballatore Spumante champagne ($6.99 per bottle) poured into that empty bottle of Dom Pérignon ($119.00 per bottle).
Bachelor Tip #32: Try to keep your place a little messy for her -- it makes her feel needed. Not like you're a slob, just a little disorganized. Love Mix CD's and old Fortune magazines are okay, used underwear is not. She likes to feel you need her touch, not that she'll be chipping the ring off your toilet bowl with an ice pick all day.
(Doug Hardin's corollary: Roofies go best with the wine. They taste funny in water, and won't work quickly enough with any dessert port or coffee.)
Bachelor Tip #29: Whatever food was left out overnight on your counter is okay to eat the next morning, because "it was probably pretty cold in here last night." Also remember the three second rule - if food is only on the floor for three seconds, it's still okay to eat.
Bachelor Tip #29-A: Addendum to three second rule -- any amount of time that food spends on the floor is okay, as long as nobody else saw it sit there for more than three seconds.
Bachelor Tip #28: Colognes: Your body gives off heat, which can cause odors. So, whatever body part gives off the most heat is the BEST place to apply your cologne. Try:
Bachelor Tip #26: Always try to appeal to a woman's sense of youth. Example: Wonder Woman Pez dispensers (Pez was changed to Poopmoose in the film, when the Pez company wanted money for the mention.) Other youth-appeal techniques: Make out on a park playground at sunset (say, "You make me feel like a 7-year-old, sneaking kisses behind the school slide." She'll love that), or buying her the footie-pajamas that she loved so much as a kid, which she will delight in wriggling out of again to thank you. WARNING: But positively no sex with diapers! That shit is too freaky!
Bachelor Tip #25: Hit her car in the Safeway parking lot. Just go about five miles an hour, but still insist on taking her to the hospital. Follow her into the examination room and take pictures 'for the insurance'. If you're discrete, you can also buy her chest x-rays from the doctor.
Bachelor Tip #24: When pursuing a doctor, enter the emergency ward on her shift pretending to be sick. Downside: She could be a bad doctor and remove your appendix. Upside, once she realizes her mistake and will do anything to avoid a malpractice suit, you and she could be bedridden for weeks.
Bachelor Tip #23: At a basketball game, when you see a hot chick with another guy, go to the security guards and report that your wallet was stolen; give them a description of her features and clothing. When they track her down and don't find your wallet, castigate them for bothering her and buy her a few drinks.
Bachelor Tip #20: Women crave great conversation, just not from the other person. Here are three phrases that will guarantee the kind of banter she craves: "Really?" "Uh-huh," "Tell me more."
Bachelor Tip #19: Don't shit in your own nest, meaning: Never hit on more than one girl in the room; never hit on her best friend or worst enemy (basically the same person).
Gordie's corollary: "What are you, high? Shit away! Shit away!"
Bachelor Tip #18: Women like well-read men, so have your library prominently displayed. (Ted steps to a bookcase, slipping new book jackets such as Susan Faludi's 'Backlash' and 'The Poetry of Sylvia Plath' over 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' and the 'Three Stooges Video Checklist'.)
TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL (DOWN)
Bachelor Tip #16-B: Pick-up hint -- ask her, "Will you help me pick out a gift for my mom?"
Bachelor Tip #16-C: Pick-up hint -- tell your neighbor your drains are clogged and ask to shower in her place.
Bachelor Tip #16-D: Don't just send flowers -- buy billboard space across from her apartment pleading for a date.
Bachelor Tip #16-E: Produce a late night "Date (Your Name)" infomercial.
Bachelor Tip #16-F: Try the inmate release gate at women's prisons. Hey, just sayin'...
Bachelor Tip #15: Pick-up hint for getting nurses: Tell her you were a hostage and haven't had sex in 12 years.
Bachelor Tip #14: Third grader pick-up hint: Stick worms in your Snack-Pack pudding and show all the girls. (NOTE: Do not try this as an adult.)
Bachelor Tip #13: When those pick-up hints don't work, you have to tell her exactly how you feel - be honest with her, express your true feelings, share with her, be sincere, and all that shit. (See tip #43)
Now you've finally got her... GET OUT before it turns serious!
Bachelor Tip #10: When breaking up with your girlfriend always be up front. Be direct, yet gentle. Take her someplace she likes to go, so the evening won't seem quite so horrible. Also, she's less likely to do something crazy or violent - she'll want to come back.
Bachelor Tip #9: Tip for breaking up: "If you want out, you gotta telegraph it. Billboards. Print media. I see a possible infomercial. You explain the benefits of her being an unattached woman again!" (Courtesy of TCSN)
Bachelor Tip #9-A: Alternate Tip for breaking up: "Hit her with the stats, baby: Tell her three out of every five marriages end up in divorce. You don't want that, do you? Then shut-up. Don't say a word. The first one that talks loses. Just run. Bingo." (Courtesy of TCSN)
Bachelor Tip #9-B: Alternate Tip for breaking up II: "Show her the real you. Be sincere, tell her you made a mistake. Show her you're a man. Be up front, honest, genuine, compassionate... if that doesn't work... Tell her you're a homo - then you're out of there, baby!" (Courtesy of TCSN)
Bachelor Tip #8: For the dumpee -- if one woman breaks your heart, then answer is simple: Get a different one (formerly #1,273 subparagraph 'A').
(Try to let Gordie and her mom down easy.)
Bachelor Tip #4: You're really going to do it? You pussy...
Bachelor Tip #4-A: Double-pussy! Super-pussy! Are you nuts??? What the hell are you thinking??? Where's your will power? Where's your freaking self-respect??? You were in the clear! Quadruple pussy! Über-pussy! Pussy so pussified that all of the other pussies even call you a pussy! A pussy so low even Oprah and Gayle King wouldn't lick you! Did I mention you're a PUSSY, you pussy?
Bachelor Tip #3: The more you break up with her, the easier it gets; the more you make up with her, the harder it gets.
Bachelor Tip #2: Never forget the makeup sex...
... AND NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, THE ALL-TIME, #1, MOST IMPORTANT BACHELOR TIP OF ALL: