Tips

Top secret, gentlemen!

The following tips are from various drafts of the screenplay, pitches, a TV series proposal, sequel ideas, and other unsavory sources. You are now reading 3 million years of accumulated courting techniques, condensed into 100 perfect, irrefutable jewels of bachelor knowledge. (The TEN COMMANDMENTS, times TEN!)

It goes without saying that this list is TOP SECRET. If any WOMEN find this, then it'll be all over, and they'll know all our hard-won wisdom (i.e., that we don't have any). So keep this comprehensive list to yourselves, gentlemen -- the long-standing success and stability of our very society depends on its secrecy.

Without further adieu, the Bachelor Tip Bible starts with four GOLDEN RULES:

Bachelor Tip #100: Never think you're God's gift to women... just be optimistic enough to think they're God's gift to you.

Bachelor Tip #99: Never make a promise you don't intend to keep.

Bachelor Tip #98: Never tell a girl you love her if you're not sure.

Bachelor Tip #97: Never try to have sex while suppressing a fart. (It sounds trivial now, but trust me -- remember #97.)

THE ART OF NON-SEDUCTION: HOW TO NOT PICK UP WOMEN

"Pound that message home!"
(The message is: "I don't care.")

Bachelor Tip #96: The art of seduction is knowing what she wants... and never quite giving it to her.

Bachelor Tip #95: In social situations, women assume every guy is hitting on them. So if you're obviously hitting on her, then, to her, you're just another guy.

Bachelor Tip #94: Corny pickup lines to avoid -- "I've lost my phone number -- can I have yours?" "The word of the day is legs... what do you say, let's go back to my place and spread the word?" "Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?" "I know your legs must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all day." "I was just wondering if heaven knows you're here, because it's missing an angel."

Bachelor Tip #93: More corny pickup lines to avoid -- "Hey baby, how would you like to join me in some math? Let's add you and me, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply!" Stick finger in drink, flick it on her shirt, then: "How about we get out of these wet clothes?" "You know where that dress would look great? On the floor in my bedroom."

Bachelor Tip #92: Even more corny pickup lines to avoid -- "Do you have a quarter I can borrow? I told my mother I would call her when I fell in love." "(Her name)? My mother's name is (her name)." "Do you want to go in halves on a baby?" "If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it against me?" "Your face or mine?" "If I gave you some negligee, would there be anything in it for me?" "How'd you like three inches of pink steel?"

NOW THAT YOU AREN'T PICKING HER UP... HOW TO PICK HER UP

Bachelor Tip #91: Good pick-up line -- "Hey, are those scary jerks annoying you with their corny pickup lines? How about I just sit here and pretend to be with you, until they leave you alone..."

Bachelor Tip #90: First impressions are important, so always have positive body language, an empathetic smile, a strong sense of humor, honest questions, supportive responses, and most importantly, a Porsche fob on your keychain.

Bachelor Tip #89: (Courtesy of TCSN) "Tell her your hopes and fears, tell her your secret desires -- everything deep down inside -- then you’re in there, baby! Sell her on the product. You need brand recognition -- sell the sizzle, and pound that message home." NOTE: Don't tell her your real hopes and fears -- just the ones that she'd find interesting. See tip #43, "THE OLD HONESTY GAG."

Which brings us to the most important tip for picking up women:

"Our Founder"

Bachelor Tip #88: Academy Award winner James Harrison Coburn, Jr. (31 August 1928 – 18 November 2002) was an American film and television actor. He is perhaps best known for his charisma and natural charm, and most importantly, for his invention of "the James Coburn look." Every successful bachelor knows that the 'James Coburn' is the answer. Hey -- if you're like most guys, you can never rely on good looks to attract a woman, but you can’t lose with the 'James Coburn.'

Bachelor Tip #87: The 'James Coburn' is not just a rakish grin; It is a ray of sunshine so bright it burns the skin; It is a boast -- but not a brag; an invitation -- but not a pass; a shared secret -- but not a scandal; a gift -- but not a gratuity; It's a gleaming treasure chest, yawning wide to reveal 32 perfect, pearly-white jewels, shining brightly like a thousand suns... still, don't forget the Porsche fob -- just to be sure.

Click on the photo to see Coburn practice the 'Coburn.'

Bachelor Tip #86: The 'James Coburn' is an art that must be practiced. You must know when to use the "In Like Flint," the "Hard Times," or the "Magnificent Seven" with a woman... and then, ultimately, know when it's time to make "The Great Escape."

It's not easy. Even James Coburn had to practice the 'James Coburn.' (Watch, by clicking on the photo, at right.)

Bachelor Tip #86-A: If the 'James Coburn' bombs, remember that while he was an Oscar winner, even he could follow an "In Like Flint" with a "Waterhole No. 3."

Bullshit.

Bachelor Tip #85: "Love means never having to say you're sorry..." But a relationship means you'd better apologize CONSTANTLY if you want to get any action tonight.

Bachelor Tip #84: If she only loves you for your money, then she doesn't really love you -- but that's okay, because you don't really have any money, anyway.

Bachelor Tip #83: Women in a relationship will not tell you if you're having a sex problem... but they will tell their friends, their mother, people on the elevator...

Bachelor Tip #82: In a relationship, expect a two or three week period in which your girlfriend will become completely fascinated with your penis. Dr. Frankenstein couldn't have devised more hideous experiments. (NOTE: If the experiments start to involve acid or butcher knives, then she doesn't like you anymore).

Bachelor Tip #81: Never date anybody from your work. When you're fooling around you'll feel like you should be working, and when you're working you'll feel like you should be fooling around... And when you break up she'll accuse you of doing both.

Bachelor Tip #80: Honesty is the most important thing in a relationship... if you can fake that, you have a good shot.

Bachelor Tip #79: Date foreign women. When you're acting like an a-hole, she'll assume it's a problem with your culture and not with you.

Bachelor Tip #78: No matter how hot the girl, some guy somewhere thinks she's a pain in the ass... although, who the hell cares what that guy thinks? I'm just trying to get laid, here.

"'Love you?' What bloody good is that?"
--Sedgwick 'Manufacturer' (The Great Escape)

"The ol' Ball and Chain!"

Bachelor Tip #77: Marriage is a noble institution... but who wants to live in an institution?

Bachelor Tip #76: Men go into a marriage thinking, "She'll never change." Women go into a marriage thinking, "I can change him."

Bachelor Tip #75: "Rock-to-cock ratio:" Women prorate the size of the penis you give them to the size of the ring you give them.

Bachelor Tip #74: Women are looking for a real catch; Men prefer to catch and release.

Bachelor Tip #73: Men and women are not from Venus and Mars. They're from Earth. If they were from Venus and Mars, then their behavior on this planet would be a lot easier to understand.

Bachelor Tip #72: "I would never ask you for premarital sex... but I have no intention of getting married, so let's have sex."

"You don't die for women. You kill for them."
--Zach Provo (The Last Hard Men)

Straightjacket optional

Bachelor Tip #71: Although anatomically close on the female figure, a woman's anus and her vagina are miles apart psychologically.

Bachelor Tip #70: A woman's greatest fear is to be seen as a sex object; a man's greatest dream is to be seen as a sex object.

Bachelor Tip #69: There are two types of women: Women who swallow, and women we don't date anymore.

Bachelor Tip #68: Occassionally women will accuse you of crazy things with no factual basis, having no evidence, for which any rational response would be impossible. We call this 'psychosis.' Women call this 'intuition.'

Bachelor Tip #67: Character is important to a woman. So she likes to know that you're still friendly with all of your ex-girlfriends... But:

"It wasn't me. I was never there. Your friends are wrong."

Bachelor Tip #66: The Successful Bachelor's answer to every question: "It wasn't me. I was never there. Your friends are wrong."

Bachelor Tip #66-A: The Successful Bachelor's follow-up when she doesn't buy the first answer: "I said, it wasn't me. I wasn't there. Maybe your friends are trying to hurt you."

Bachelor Tip #65: To get a good idea of how a girlfriend will look in a few years, check out her mom.

Bachelor Tip #64: You just slept with your girlfriend's mom? You shouldn't have been checking her out...

Bachelor Tip #64-A: "I did not sleep with your mom. I don't know why your mom said that. Maybe your mom is trying to hurt you."

"This has 82 different functions -- 83 if you want to light a cigar."--Derek Flint, showing off his gadget disguised as a cigarette lighter (Our Man Flint)

Bachelor Tip #63: Women are more sex-crazed than men. Case in point: It's fine for women to have vibrators, but is it okay for men to get caught hiding huge pink vibrating plastic vaginas in their dresser drawers? Noooooooo!

Bachelor Tip #62: When dating a single mother, you're dating the kid, too. Embrace the kid and she will embrace you. (Don't mention this one in public. If misinterpreted, you could go to jail.)

Flint: "I don't need any men."
Cramden: "You said you were joining the team."
Flint: "But the team's not joining me." (OMF)

Poker? I barely touched 'er!

Bachelor Tip #60: Women are temporary pleasures, but your friends will never leave you -- especially when you're trying to be alone with a woman.

Bachelor Tip #59: When you aren't dating, your main nighttime activity will watching Then Came Tree re-runs with your friends. Then Came Tree contains everything that an available bachelor craves: ass-kicking, a damsel in distress, dumb white trash racists who you can look down on and feel better about yourself, and most importantly, JAMES COBURN in a cameo as a gunslinger/assassin-for-hire "Virgil Fang" during the season one episode "Tree Strikes and You're Out" (there was only one season). As watching the same 23 episodes over and over could be a little depressing, the main activity to participate in during Then Came Tree re-runs is playing poker with your friends, in which they will do to you with cards what you would've been doing to your date.

Bachelor Tip #59-A: Best poker games: Crisscross, low card in hand is wild, high-low split; Seven-card Anaconda, pass to the right, low card in your hand is wild, high-low split, roll your own and you must declare; Four card Clint-shit, loser matches the pot; Low-high, buck-'em, fuck-'em, three-balled queens are wild, and eat me out on Tuesday. ("Straights count against you?" "What are you, high?")

Bachelor Tip #58: Another hobby when you aren't dating is joining a rotisserie league. NOTE: If you have more than three rotisserie league teams, you need to start dating again.

Bachelor Tip #57: "When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"--Groucho Marx (Yeah, I stole it -- it's a good line!)

GORDIE'S GUIDE TO THE PUSSY-WHIPPED

Gordie Poster, your best, most honest friend.

You're totally whipped, dude. She's changed you! You've become a joke -- but not a funny, ironic, twisted joke, like a classic Andy Kaufman routine... You're more like an Andy Kaufman Taxi joke -- like when Latka was engaged to Simka. You're PUSSY-WHIPPED! You're whipped because...

You have bought any of the following for her: Feminine hygeine products, makeup, nylons, Céline Dion tickets (or any Vegas show without topless dancing), wine coolers, Meg Ryan DVDs, Coach purses or handbags (with the requisite Coach Cleaner, Signature Fabric Cleaner, or Moisturizer sprays), or that yogurt that makes her crap.

You start wearing any cologne not named after a Martial Art. WHAT ARE YOU, HIGH?

You add potpourri to any room of your house... especially if that potpourri is used to cover the sickening stench of a CAT BOX! Men don't like cats. They HATE cats! WOMEN love cats. Men SAY they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men KICK cats.

You view the Oprah show, the post-Oprah show, Oprah's Big Give, Oprah's Oxygen Channel, OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network, O -- The Oprah Magazine, O at Home Magazine, any books she has co-authored or book club selections, volunteer for Oprah's Angel Network, or listen to Oprah and Friends (broadcasting 24 unrelenting hours every goddamn day on XM Radio Channel 156) without saying, "Why should I pay attention a fat, Botoxed, red-assed, man-hating secret lezbo so desperate for attention that she will broadcast any part of her pathetic self-obsessed life on-camera -- except the only part that I care about -- some hot, freaky girl-on-girl action with her 'close friend', confidante, vacation partner and O Editor Gayle King -- when I could be watching a rerun of Then Came Tree?" WHAT ARE YOU........... HIGH???

You ingest anything containing the words 'Diet', 'Light' (especially if spelled 'Lite'), 'Low-Cal', 'Low-Carb', 'Low-Sodium', or 'Low-tar', you 'low-testosterone' pussy-whipped jackass! You're officially 'penis-lite'!

She controls jackbag cast and/or content. NEVER REVEAL THE CONTENTS OF THE JACKBAG! (Especially Oprah and Gayle King.)

You have ever texted or e-mailed her a happy face... What are you, :P ???

She appears on your pre-recorded phone message, effectively marking her territory to deter other interested women. Congrats -- you're her personal fire-hydrant, dumbass!

She has redecorated your apartment with cutsie calendars, indoor plants, shelf paper, and drink coasters. (A coaster for your glass??? Why not just let her cut off your ball sack and use that, loser?)

You wait to fart in the bathroom.

You sign for the both of you on greeting cards, writing an n' in between your names: "Ted n' Heather." "Regis n' Kelly." "Oprah n' Gayle." You might as well be "drawn n' quartered," you a-hole! NEVER USE THE N' WORD!!!

You buy her a $3000 set of earrings as a gift, which should obviously please her... but she mistakes the tiny velvet box they come in for a dreaded TIFFANY'S RING BOX! Upon opening the box, she sees there isn't a ring inside and bursts into tears! So you actually apologize to her for the next six months for buying her a freaking $3000 set of earrings -- and finally get her the ring. (This is also called "pulling a Phardoe").

"She batted them pretty little eyes at you, and you fell for it like an egg from a tall chicken!"
--Tex Panthollow (Charade)

"Is that a gun in your pocket, or -- oh, it WAS a gun in your pocket."

Bachelor Tip #56: Ninety-five percent of men secretly go to strip clubs in the United States... the rest secretly go to strip clubs in Tijuana.

Bachelor Tip #54: Yes, we all know your stripper isn't really a "working on her PHD" like she's telling you, but play along. She should be allowed to fantasize during a lapdance, too.

Bachelor Tip #54-B: There's no such thing as a stripper with a heart of gold. If she had anything gold, she's long since pawned it for cocaine.

Bachelor Tip #54-C: Stripper perfume is the most powerful scent in nature. No amount of cologne, soap, shit, or showering can remove it. Your girlfriend will still smell it. Burn your clothes, shave off all your hair... and I still can't guarantee you won't get caught.

Cramden: "Damn it, man, is there anything you don't know?"
Flint: "A great many things, sir. But nothing of consequence."
(OMF)

What are you, high?

Bachelor Tip #53: Banana-hammocks: Never. Not even for a joke.

Bachelor Tip #52: Newton's Law of love says that "love can neither be created nor destroyed." However, it can create a girlfriend who will destroy your credit rating.

Bachelor Tip #51: "Sexist" is an ugly word... that's why I prefer "post-feminist."

Bachelor Tip #50: Be discriminating and always play it safe -- I try to play it safe 2-3 times a week.

Bachelor Tip #49: It's okay to call a woman the day after a date... but only if you left your wallet at her apartment.

Bachelor Tip #48: A true bachelor's idea of commitment is putting a girl on speed-dial.

Bachelor Tip #47: Men can become fathers at any age, so don't worry about any biological clock... Just don't wait too long, or she'll have to change your diapers along with the kid's.

Bachelor Tip #46: Never zip up real quick when you're not wearing underwear.

Bachelor Tip #45: Foods that diminish the male sex drive: Anything fried, anything with grease or fat. Food that diminishes a woman's sex drive: Wedding cake.

Bachelor Tip #44: Don't feel bad if you see your ex with someone else. Remember, you should always give the things you don't need to the less fortunate.

Bachelor Tip #43: When you are caught, desperate, or want to play headgames, you can use "THE OLD HONESTY GAG." NOTE: Never be honest for its own sake, and be selective in your honesty -- it's just a means to get you laid. Remember, if you were always truly honest, she'd know all you ever really think about is sex, and she'd hate you.

Bachelor Tip #42: Never lie. Am I telling the truth about this? I'll never tell.

Bachelor Tip #41: Beauty is only skin deep -- but that's as deep as your eyes can see, so let's hear it for beauty!

NOTE: James Coburn would never have needed to read 60 Bachelor Tips to score with a woman. You should be ashamed of yourself.

It doesn't take a genius.

Bachelor Tip #40: Best words to spell with your tongue during cunnilingus:

NOTE: Always capitalize the first letter. When she's close, hum "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" until you've finished writing.

Bachelor Tip #39: Bachelors all should know a few tricks sexually -- other than beg, roll over and play dead.

Bachelor Tip #38: Sex with love is great, but sex for revenge ain't bad, either! (Also Bachelorette Tip #488).

Bachelor Tip #37: Never leave the bed until she's asleep. If she's still awake, she isn't finished having sex.

Bachelor Tip #37-A: Hate is a passion, too. Don't let dislike get in the way of really good sex.

Bachelor Tip #35: When grabbing a lotion out of the medicine cabinet for lubrication, make sure it doesn't include a tanning element.

Lisa: "What is it about you that makes you so irresistible to women?"
Flint: "It's very simple. I don't compete with them." (ILF)

Do this, and you can see right down her top.

Bachelor Tip #34: You didn't come too soon; she came too late.

Bachelor Tip #33: Never create a meal that takes longer to cook than it does to eat.

Bachelor Tip #33-A: Wine pairings are extremely important. The more you serve, the less she can taste your cooking.

Bachelor Tip #33-B: Not a wine guy? Simply serve red wine with red meats and white wines with white meats. Offer champagne with dessert. Discriminating ladies are impressed by Dom Pérignon Champagne ($119.00 per bottle); less discriminating ladies will be impressed by Ballatore Spumante champagne ($6.99 per bottle) poured into that empty bottle of Dom Pérignon ($119.00 per bottle).

Bachelor Tip #32: Try to keep your place a little messy for her -- it makes her feel needed. Not like you're a slob, just a little disorganized. Love Mix CD's and old Fortune magazines are okay, used underwear is not. She likes to feel you need her touch, not that she'll be chipping the ring off your toilet bowl with an ice pick all day.

(Doug Hardin's corollary: Roofies go best with the wine. They taste funny in water, and won't work quickly enough with any dessert port or coffee.)

Bachelor Tip #29: Whatever food was left out overnight on your counter is okay to eat the next morning, because "it was probably pretty cold in here last night." Also remember the three second rule -- if food is only on the floor for three seconds, it's still okay to eat.

Bachelor Tip #29-A: Addendum to three second rule -- any amount of time that food spends on the floor is okay, as long as nobody else saw it sit there for more than three seconds.

Bachelor Tip #28: Colognes: Your body gives off heat, which can cause odors. So, whatever body part gives off the most heat is the BEST place to apply your cologne. Try: