THE ORIGINAL PITCH
In these times of enlightened sexual politics, Ted Davis is a scoring machine. He's got the rap, the charm and a little black book as thick as the telephone directory.
At work, at the sushi bar, at the nightclub and the gym he hones his pick-up and dating techniques, all the while providing "bachelor tips" to wanna-be Romeos everywhere.
When the woman of his dreams, "Heather," moves in next door, Ted's ordeal begins. This is a woman like no other. She's beautiful, long-legged, athletic and LOUD. Her constant groans and howls of amorous pleasure turn Ted's domain of conquest and libidinous triumph into a nightmare world of BachelorMan-Interruptus. During her frequent love-making sessions, Heather makes more noise than Monica Seles at match point. She's a maestro, a champion, a sex-machine like no other. Ted must have her!
So the hunt begins as Ted delivers a first round of come-ons and invitations for his object of desire to become entangled, but nothing works. After consulting the experts at his job, the campaign continues with flowers, billboards and a marching band. Ted even resorts to getting advice from his mom, who says; "God you're hornier than Woody Allen at a family reunion - just like your old lady!"? But none of the classic lines, scams or gifts will sway 'Bachelorette Woman' to have anything to with him. She shows no interest in him, which Ted cannot begin to understand.
When all seems hopeless, Ted gets some guidance from his good friend Meg that turns the situation around: "Don't scam on her, listen to her, be SINCERE."
Ted runs next door to attest his true feelings for the only woman he could ever love - and sure enough, to his astonishment - it works!
They fall passionately into each other's arms and in the throws of love, Ted proclaims to the camera: "When all else fails, the old 'honesty' gag works every time!"
At work, he cancels the mega-popular "Career-ending Football Injury Bloopers" show, replacing it with "Couples Figure-skating." He may be in love, but he's changed; and his best friend Gordie sums it all up to Ted like a cold slap in the face: "You're pussy-whipped!"
But something is very wrong in single-and-looking-land. Ted can't turn the ladies heads like he used to - none of the scams work. Suddenly, Ted couldn't get laid at a Pearl Jam concert with a fistful of backstage passes. He's lost his bachelor super-powers, because - gasp - he's STILL IN LOVE. BachelorMan has found his Kryptonite!
He must get her back - but how? It will take all of BachelorMan's skill and cunning to get his Lois Lane back.
... And Ted Davis knows the perfect scam.