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Comedy On Tap / SportsHollywood Christmas Party

Helen Woo and Deena Dill

Comedy On Tap and SportsHollywood celebrated Christmas (read: not working for a week) on December 18, 2000 at Gordon Biersch in Burbank, California. There was much fun, gaiety, and little loss of life.

Staffers Rodney Lee Conover, Jeff Hause, Rich Hull, Melissa Jones, Karen Bailey, Jessica Sullivan, Anthony Ross, and Buttmunch the Wonderdog welcomed guests for liquor, finger food, liquor, entrees, and (of course) liquor until the early morning hours. All employees not in attendance were of course fired.

Guests included actresses Helen Woo and Deena Dill (right), actor/producers Dave West and Jennifer Loto, web designer Curt Bonnem and fiancee Stephanie, actress JoAnn Paolantonio (sister of ESPN's Sal Paolantonio), "Tree" and his wife Linda, pain-in-the-ass Dixon Troyer, director Michael Bayouth, "comedian" Ted Ramsey (props), extremely rich Steve Pinto, comedy writer John Kearns, producer Ursula Ricter, director Joanne Jensen, and a bunch of other people who horned in on the free booze. Is anybody still reading this?

Rodney Lee and JoAnn

Dave and Jennifer

Curt and Stephanie

Rich Hull's lifeless eyes roll back in his head, shark-like, as he bites the head off a bat.
Then after a toast of holiday eggnog spiked with conservative doses of crack cocaine and raw opium came the annual Christmas beheading and virgin sacrifice. After a festive Holiday toast we all drank human blood and exchanged gifts. Hugs aplenty!

Of course it wouldn't be the holidays without the annual watching of the sports on TV out of the corner of your eye while the waiter who overheard your talk of the movie and TV business tells you he always wanted to be an actor and asks you to attend his ridiculously bad amateur showcase that Wednesday. A grand time was had by all.

Then came that time we had been breathlessly anticipating all year, the holiday tradition in which a drunken Rodney Lee accuses employees of stealing office supplies and eating his Cherry Garcia while he was out mailing his weekly request for funds to the Unemployment office, then challenges the Raider fan with gang tattoos at the next table to a holiday fistfight in the back alley, where he gets punched in the stomach and throws up all over my shoes and collapses onto the pavement sobbing because he's wasted his life as we all reflect on the wonderful blessings bestowed upon us over the past year while singing joyous Christmas carols and peeing on a homeless person sleeping behind a dumpster. Giggles and winks!

Tree and Linda

Ursula, Rodney Lee, Dixon

Karen and Palmer

John Kearns and Jeff Hause (writers--no chicks).

Then, of course, things started getting ugly: First came the yearly presentation of the sexual harrassment suits from the employees, with subpoenas wrapped in colorful holiday bows. A few holiday tears were shed (no hugs).

Finally everybody left, which signaled the beginning of yet another COT and SH tradition--the annual DUI arrests and bail bond purchases. After that, more merriment together in the holding cell of the Van Nuys Police Station. A great time was had by all.

The chicks who wouldn't talk to Kearns and Hause.

But then came the morning after: Bitterness; anger; despair; vicious recriminations; outraged denials; court appearances; human body parts stuck in the garbage disposal; unexplained black-outs on the freeway from bad liquor and psychedelic drugs mixed with rat poison; painful rectal bleeding; and worst of all, we had to work on the next day's newsletter.

Finally, and worst of all, came the darkest moment for Rich, Rodney and Jeff: The dispersal of the bribes... I mean Christmas Bonus checks... to hung-over, ungrateful employees who were still determined to continue with their silly lawsuits even though we promised not to annoy them anymore and wear pants from now on when we walk around the office...

Steve and JoAnn
... Which led directly to their next annual holiday tradition: The candlelit feast of Top Ramen and macaroni and cheese cooked over an old, rusty hotplate run by a spark-shooting, cheap portable generator in a cold, dark room with no working electricity. After that came the traditional Christmas apartment eviction, after which we slept behind a dumpster and were peed on by revelers at another office Christmas party. A great time was had by all.

See you next year!

(Thanks to Steve Pinto for the court evidence... er, photographs!)

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