| Comedy On Tap / SportsHollywood Christmas Party |
Helen Woo and Deena Dill
Comedy On Tap and
SportsHollywood celebrated Christmas (read: not working for a week) on
December 18, 2000 at Gordon Biersch in Burbank, California. There was much
fun, gaiety, and little loss of life.
Staffers Rodney Lee Conover, Jeff
Hause, Rich Hull, Melissa Jones, Karen Bailey, Jessica
Sullivan, Anthony Ross, and Buttmunch the Wonderdog welcomed
guests for liquor, finger food, liquor, entrees, and (of course) liquor until
the early morning hours. All employees not in attendance were of course fired.
included actresses Helen Woo and Deena Dill (right), actor/producers
Dave West and Jennifer Loto, web designer Curt Bonnem and
fiancee Stephanie, actress JoAnn Paolantonio (sister of ESPN's Sal
Paolantonio), "Tree" and his wife Linda, pain-in-the-ass Dixon
Troyer, director Michael Bayouth, "comedian" Ted Ramsey (props),
extremely rich Steve Pinto, comedy writer John Kearns, producer
Ursula Ricter, director Joanne Jensen, and a bunch of other people
who horned in on the free booze. Is anybody still reading this?
Rodney Lee and JoAnn
Dave and Jennifer
Curt and Stephanie
Rich Hull's lifeless eyes roll back in his head, shark-like,
as he bites the head off a bat.
Then after a toast of holiday
spiked with conservative doses of crack cocaine
and raw opium
came the annual Christmas beheading
and virgin sacrifice
a festive Holiday toast
we all drank human blood
and exchanged gifts.
Of course it wouldn't be the holidays without the annual watching
of the sports on TV out of the corner of your eye while the waiter who overheard
your talk of the movie and TV business tells you he always wanted to be an actor
and asks you to attend his ridiculously bad amateur showcase that Wednesday.
A grand time was had by all.
Then came that time we had been breathlessly
anticipating all year, the holiday tradition in which a drunken Rodney Lee
accuses employees of stealing office supplies and eating his Cherry
Garcia while he was out mailing his weekly request for funds to the
Unemployment office, then challenges the Raider fan with gang tattoos
at the next table to a holiday fistfight in the back alley, where he gets
punched in the stomach and throws up all over my shoes and collapses
onto the pavement sobbing because he's wasted his life as we all reflect on
the wonderful blessings bestowed upon us over the past year while singing joyous
Christmas carols and peeing on a homeless person sleeping behind a
dumpster. Giggles and winks!
Tree and Linda
Ursula, Rodney Lee, Dixon
Karen and Palmer
John Kearns and Jeff Hause (writers--no chicks).
of course, things started getting ugly: First came the yearly presentation of
the sexual harrassment suits from the employees, with subpoenas
wrapped in colorful holiday bows. A few holiday tears were shed (no hugs).
Finally everybody left,
which signaled the beginning of yet another COT and SH tradition--the annual DUI
arrests and bail bond purchases. After that, more merriment together
in the holding cell of the Van Nuys Police Station. A great time
was had by all.
The chicks who wouldn't talk to Kearns and Hause.
But then came the morning
after: Bitterness; anger; despair; vicious recriminations; outraged denials; court
appearances; human body parts stuck in the garbage disposal; unexplained black-outs
on the freeway from bad liquor and psychedelic drugs mixed with rat poison; painful
rectal bleeding; and worst of all, we had to work on the next day's newsletter.
Finally, and worst of all, came the darkest moment for Rich, Rodney
and Jeff: The dispersal of the bribes... I mean Christmas Bonus
checks... to hung-over, ungrateful employees who were still determined to
continue with their silly lawsuits even though we promised not to annoy them anymore
and wear pants from now on when we walk around the office...
... Which led directly to
their next annual holiday tradition: The candlelit feast of Top Ramen and
macaroni and cheese cooked over an old, rusty hotplate run by a
spark-shooting, cheap portable generator in a cold, dark room with
no working electricity. After that came the traditional Christmas apartment
eviction, after which we slept behind a dumpster and were peed on by revelers
at another office Christmas party. A great time was had by all.
Steve and JoAnn
See you next
(Thanks to Steve Pinto for the court evidence... er, photographs!)