| 2000 in Sports
 Off the Sports Wire
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PLAYING THROUGH A LAUGHER: The Harlem Globetrotters, celebrating their 75th anniversary next year, will appear in comedian Adam Sandler's fall movie "Little Nicky." They have appeared in many films over the years, but this will be will be their first movie in about two decades...
... And the first film in which they're the best actors...
RUNNING SCORE: The Supreme Court will decide whether disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at Professional Golf Association Tour events. The court said Tuesday it will hear the tour's argument that a federal anti-bias law does not apply to Martin's case...
... They will also decide if it's wrong to ask a golfer, "What's your handicap...?"
YEA! WE GET TO LOSE TO THE BRAVES! The Giants clinched their second NL West title in four years, getting a go-ahead sacrifice fly from Russ Davis in the eighth inning Thursday night to beat the Arizona Diamondbacks...
...San Francisco isn't a big baseball town, but it is known for its switch-hitters...
PIERCE PIERCED: WEEI radio reports that Boston Celtics forward Paul Pierce was stabbed 11 times outside a nightclub early Monday. They went on to say that Pierce was out of surgery and "appears to be very lucky..."
... He's about as lucky as the Celtics have been for the last ten years...
SO MUCH FOR THE "PEACE" GAMES: Former U.S. Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, who told Olympic leaders last year to change their ways or suffer a crisis of public confidence, is set to become a member of the International Olympic Committee next week...
... If I was the IOC president I'd fight that -- the last president Kissinger worked for was run out of office...
... Now the bad news: The US will begin carpet-bombing Sydney later this month...
HE NEEDS A WEEK IN THE BODY SHOP: Cyclist Lance Armstrong plans to be up and riding again soon after being hit by a car in a head-on collision in southern France earlier this week. Describing his condition on his Web site, Armstrong said, "Nothing broken or serious but very 'banged up'..."
... He's lucky, now he only has half the chance of hurting his genitals in a crash...
THAT LINEMAN HITS LIKE A GIRL: Women's Professional Football League is open for business. After a "nationwide smashing successful 1999 'No Limits' Barnstorming Tour," the upcoming WPFL 2000-2001 Inaugural Season will culminate in the Women's Professional American Football World Championship Title Game I...
... Wait until they get clotheslined the first time--they'll realize there IS a greater pain than childbirth...
http://www.womensprofootball.com
RACING PROFESSIONALS: Formula One racing driver David Coulthard gave a number of celebrities a ride in a two-seat version of his Formula One car, zipping up and down Hamburg's famous Reeperbahn red-light district during a three-hour demonstration before 15,000 fans...
... He never built up a lot of speed because he kept stopping for all the red lights...
AVAILABLE ON PAY-PER-CHEW: Showtime announced that Mike Tyson's next fight will be against Andrew "The Foul Pole" Golota on Oct. 20 in Tha Palace at Auburn Hills, Michigan...
... The fight is scheduled to go twelve rounds, two arrests, and 3-5 years in a federal pen...
PRISCILLA, QUEEN OF THE DISCUS: Drag queens will appear for the first time ever in at the Olympics, in the closing ceremony as part of a segment celebrating Australian film...
... That's if you don't count the Chinese women's team...
NO LONGER THE CENTER OF ATTENTION: Washington Wizards president Michael Jordan found a taker for center Isaac Austin, sending him to the Vancouver Grizzlies for four players. The Wizards received forwards Dennis Scott and Cherokee Parks, center Obinna Ekezie and guard Felipe Lopez...
... And with that trade, the best player on the team is... still the retired president...
The National Hockey League and the Canadian Wildlife Federation are battling over possession of the "Wild" trademark. The NHL wants to name their new expansion team the Minnesota Wild, but "Wild" is also the name of an Ottawa-based charity's children's magazine, which teaches kids about nature and wildlife conservation...
... They just have to figure out which is more in danger, the wildlife or the NHL...
... Not only are the kids more deserving than an NHL expansion franchise, they're probably also better at hockey...
Keep running--the glue factory is across the street. |
CAN A HORSE HAVE NO HORSEPOWER? Zippy Chippy, winless in 86 horse races, had no better luck against two-legged competition. The losingest horse in the recorded history of U.S. thoroughbred racing was vanquished yet again last night, this time in a 40-yard sprint against a minor-league baseball player. Jose Herrera, 27, the center fielder for the Rochester Red Wings, bolted far ahead of the 9-year-old gelding on the outfield grass at Frontier Field and won by at least three (horse) lengths...
... On the bright side, Zippy Chippy finally placed...
But Zippy Chippy's owner-trainer, Felix Monserrate, predicts the horse he bought for $2,500 in 1995 will win before notching 100 losses. He's entered him in a licensed race Sept. 1 at a fair in Northampton, Mass., the same track where he finished third in his record-breaking 86th race on Sept. 9, 1999...
... As long as there aren't any people running against him...
Cutting, slashing back. |
HE ISN'T BELIEVABLE ENOUGH TO PLAY HIMSELF: O.J. Simpson is seeking a court order to stop producers from using allegedly privileged information gathered from his criminal defense team in the upcoming CBS miniseries of Lawrence Schiller's bestseller "American Tragedy"...
... How can he sue? If it's information from O.J.'s defense team it MUST be fiction...
... "If O.J. they smear, then the show must premiere!!!"
... It will be followed by Kato Kaelin's version, called, "Ummm... Uh... Huh...?"
EVANDER'S EAR IS FIXED, AND SO ARE HIS FIGHTS: In a close but unanimous decision, Evander Holyfield captured the World Boxing Association heavyweight title by beating underdog John Ruiz on Saturday...
... I'm not saying Don King fixed the fight, but two of the judges have already scored him as the winner over Lennox Lewis in their next fight, too...
HAVE THEY ANNOUNCED A DATE TO FIRE HIM, YET? The L.A. Clippers named former Pistons and Heat coach Alvin Gentry as their new head coach. Gentry was fired in 1999 from the Pistons with a 28-30 record. He also served as interim coach in Miami during the 1994-95 season, when the Heat compiled a 15-21 record...
... LA is great for everybody: If you love basketball, there's The Lakers - and if you HATE basketball - there's The Clippers!
HULKING LAWSUIT: Wrestler Hulk Hogan has filed a defamation suit against World Championship Wrestling, alleging that after winning a bout on July 9 by default when his opponent refused to wrestle, the WCW's Vince Russo accused Hogan of "playing politics" and implied he is dishonest...
... Next they'll tell me that all the fights are fixed...
Heavenly couple? |
JILTED JOE DIMAGGIO: As he faced death, baseball great Joe DiMaggio's last thoughts were of the woman for whom he carried a lifelong torch, his ex-wife Marilyn Monroe, and he told friends he would be reunited with her in the afterlife. An article in the September issue of Vanity Fair quotes DiMaggio's longtime lawyer Morris Engelberg as saying his last words before he died last year at age 84 were a whispered: "I'll finally get to see Marilyn"...
... Sorry, Joe, you'll have to wait in line--JFK got up there first...
... It was also revealed that he was buried in a "Mr. Coffin"... booo
GRETZKY WITH THE ASSIST: NHL great Wayne Gretzky and his wife, Janet, are celebrating the birth of their fourth child, Tristan Wayne Gretzky, who was born on August 2nd in Los Angeles...
... The birth was attended by one doctor, two nurses, and eight NHL scouts...
... Nice to see that even though he's out of the NHL, Gretzky can still score...
SHE LIKES HIS LONG GAME: According to The Star, Tiger Woods will wed Joanna Jagoda, 22. The former law student and the links champ have been dating for the past two years...
... I wonder if she's expecting any Tiger cubs...
HOLD THAT TIGER: Ernie Els has become the first player to finish second in three consecutive golf majors. He's been runner-up to Tiger Woods six times, more than any other golfer...
... Nike is now planning a commercial with schoolchildren all saying, "I am NOT Ernie Els..."
JUST LIKE THE BUCS, HE CAN'T RUN THIS YEAR: President Clinton, in Tampa for a fund-raising visit, had his motorcade pull over outside the Tampa Bay Buccaneers training facility at the University of Tampa. He strolled across the field and chatted with several players...
... Nobody needs to show him how to make a pass...
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE: Briton Robert Garside is on a quest to be the first to run around the world. Calling himself "The RunningMan," Garside is nearing the United States, where he plans to run from coast to coast. On his trek that began almost four years ago, he has been shot at in Russia, robbed in Pakistan, jailed in China and had guns pulled on him in Panama and, most recently, in Mexico...
... Whoever said jogging was good for your health...?
WATER SPORTS: An Olympic medical panel decided that testing for one of most abused performance-enhancing drugs in sports can be used at the Sydney Games. The panel reviewed a combined blood-urine test for EPO that was developed by Australian and French teams. The International Olympic Committee said the panel agreed unanimously on implementing testing for the banned endurance-boosting hormone erythropoietin...
... Urine tests give a whole new meaning to "going for the gold"...
FISH FIGHTS BACK: In Acapulco, Mexico, a giant swordfish hooked off the Mexican coast jumped into the fisherman's boat and stabbed the man through his abdomen. Jose Rojas Mayarita, 39, was reeling in the 10-foot marlin on Saturday when the fish leaped from the waves and landed on him. The marlin's spear pierced the fisherman's abdomen and came out the other side. Rojas drifted for two days in his boat, unable to get up, until another vessel rescued him. He was treated on Monday and was under observation in the General Hospital in the Pacific resort of Acapulco...
... There's a twist - the fish filleting the fisherman...
GOLFING UP A BLUE STREAK: The only blot on an otherwise successful British Open were streakers, with at least four naked people sighted racing across the course at St. Andrews during the tournament...
... I hope they weren't swinging oversized wood...
THEY CAN COMPARE AIR ATTACKS: Busy trying to broker a Middle East peace agreement, President Clinton was forced to cancel a White House visit with the Super Bowl champion St. Louis Rams on Tuesday...
... I think the Rams could have helped: "Okay, Yassir - sign the agreement or Orlando Pace will keep sitting on you..."
MORE RUNS THAN VIEWERS: NBC's telecast of the baseball All-Star Game recorded all-time low ratings, suffering from the absence of many top players sidelined by injuries...
... You'd think with all the injured players watching at home that the ratings would have been UP...
ARRESTING PERSONALITY: Former NBA player Dennis Rodman reportedly plans to install video cameras around his home so that he can broadcast his legendary parties on the Internet. It promises to be quite a show, as police have responded to 36 complaints at Rodman's house in the past year...
... So either watch it on the web or wait for it to appear on "Cops"...
WE KNOW THEY'RE PHOTOGENIC: Marv Albert will provide play-by-play for TNT's coverage of men's matches at the Wimbledon tennis tournament, where he will be teamed with analyst Jim Courier...
... He can't cover the women's matches - when he hears it's love he starts to bite and scratch...
The PGA Tour wants the Supreme Court to rule that disabled golfer Casey Martin has no legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots during its tournaments...
... His only hope now is to play baseball and steal bases on a motorcycle...
The PGA reiterates that this case is not about Casey Martin but rather the PGA Tour's ability to set and implement the rules of its competitions," the Tour said in a statement...
... Next up for the Supreme Court: Can John Daley bring a cooler with him on the back nine...?
FINALLY, A RUGBY FAN WHO ISN'T UNRULY: After his father-in-law died during a trip to Scotland, an English rugby fan dressed the man and tried to smuggle him back home on a tour bus. The two men had attended a rugby league final in Edinburgh, Scotland, but the son-in-law found the older man dead in their hotel room the next morning. While on the bus the man phoned his wife with news that her father had died, prompting police in England to stop the bus and remove the body...
... This is taking "sudden death overtime" a little far...
PLAYS LIKE A DREAM(TEAM): Sheryl Swoopes, a 1996 gold medalist and the WNBA's leading scorer this season, has been added to the U.S. Olympic basketball team...
... Now if they can only get Rodman in a dress again, they'll be a shoe-in for the gold...
IRON-HEAD MIKE: On the advice of the Nevada State Athletic Commission, boxer Mike Tyson is taking a medically prescribed drug to balance chemicals in his brain...
... Now he'll be in a much more balanced, peaceful state of mind as he pummels an opponent senseless with blows to the head and ribs...
(NO-)HAND JOB: Worried that they would lose business during the Euro 2000 soccer championships, masseuses in Thailand have begun dressing in the uniforms of their favorite European soccer teams in an attempt to lure clients...
... In a related story, police arrested dozens of masseuses for using their hands...
GOOD KNIGHT, NOW: Indiana University English professor Murray Sperber, an outspoken critic of basketball coach Bob Knight, has been forced to take an unpaid leave of absence for a semester after receiving death threats and harassing phone calls...
... He thinks that if he leaves for a few months Knight might stop calling him...
John RoKKKer |
OFF HIS ROCKER: John Rocker reported to the Richmond Braves after considering whether to walk away from baseball altogether. And how would he make a living? "I would be a stockbroker, probably," he told WKLS-FM's morning show...
... I wonder how he feels about the International Markets...?
Rocker was sent down to the minors Monday, one day after he threatened the reporter who wrote the story in which the Atlanta reliever disparaged gays, minorities and foreigners. Braves officials insisted Rocker's demotion was unrelated to the confrontation...
... Of course, these are the guys who insist their toothy, red-skinned, mascot with a feather on its head is not a stereotype...
See the Signs That John Rocker is Your Stockbroker.
BROAD JUMP RECORD: More than 100,000 Ansell condoms have been ordered for competitors at this year's Sydney Olympics. They'll come in a range of colors, including gold, silver and bronze...
... It'll be the only event in which they try to come last...
LACK OF GRACE: The descendants of eminent Victorian cricket player W.G. Grace expressed outrage Thursday that Britain's first gay cricket team had called itself The Graces. "We are not gay bashers but we are the Graces and we object to them using our family name," said Morny Grace, widow of Grace's great-grandson. Grace said the team should have asked permission. "I and my family are horrified," she told Thursday's Evening Standard...
... They also feel they shouldn't be allowed to use the phrase: "Slipped him a googly"...
The honorable Governor |
ACTING GOVERNOR: Gov. Jesse Ventura has found another perk to being the country's first professional wrestler-turned-governor. He's been invited to make a guest appearance on CBS's "The Young and the Restless" in Los Angeles on June 14. The episode is to air later this month...
... At first he was going to play a governor, but he wasn’t believable enough in the role...
GAMBOLING AROUND THIRD: Major league baseball didn't allow Pete Rose, who is under a lifetime ban for gambling in 1989, to attend a weekend weekend reunion of the Cincinnati Reds' 1975 World Series championship team. One player did leave a single rose on third base...
... That way every time a player runs to third they'll slide into a little prick and think of Rose...
KAREEM GETS THE HOOK: Hall of Famer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the NBA's all-time leading scorer, apparently will not return as an assistant with the Los Angeles Clippers next season...
... It's got to be embarrassing for the players to consistently get outplayed by the assistant coach...
HEAVY RUSH: The Washington Post quoted political commentator Rush Limbaugh, speaking about his audition for a spot in the booth on Monday Night Football, as gushing, "I surprised myself. It was even more fun than I thought it would be. This would really be a hoot..."
... Of course he'd hate any play that didn't run towards the right...
A LEAGUE WHERE IT'S OKAY TO PLAY LIKE A GIRL: Nineteen members of the U.S. Women's World Cup squad were assigned to the eight teams that will make up the new Women's United Soccer Association, which will begin play next April. Each team has been given an $800,000 salary cap...
... Meaning they can afford a dozen soccer players or one 12th man on an NBA team...
SWINGER: "Playing with the President was weird. He shot a 90. At the end of the game, his scorecard said 84."
--fourth-ranked NCAA golfer Bryce Molder after playing golf with President Clinton at Chenal Country Club, in Little Rock, Ark. (Source: Maximum Golf magazine)...
... He always has a good "lie"...
RAW ATHLETES: Twenty-nine of Australia's Olympic athletes posed nude for a magazine special edition launched Tuesday. The general consensus was that the athletes featured in "The Sydney Dream" edition of "Black+White" magazine, retailing for $17.00 had no problems showing off their physiques...
... They aren't shy about showing the land down-under...
... Does everything hang counter-clockwise...?
LEWIS MAKES THE FINAL CUT: The Ray Lewis murder trial began in Atlanta. Prosecutors say a blood trail connects Ray Lewis to two men fatally stabbed after a Super Bowl party, while defense attorneys portrayed the NFL star as a peacemaker who "did not kill or stab anyone..."
... He was a peacemaker - he made a few pieces of this guy, a few pieces of that guy...
THEY JUST SHOULDN'T DO IT: Three NFL stars are being investigated by the Screen Actors Guild for shooting commercials while the actors' union is on strike. Tampa Bay wide receiver Keyshawn Johnson and Tennessee running back Eddie George made commercials for Adidas in Arizona on May 9, eight days after SAG went on strike in an effort to change the advertising industry's pay scales for commercials, Advertising Age reported. Tampa Bay safety John Lynch also made an Adidas commercial...
... Nobody's going to call what those guys do "acting"...
TIME TO RETIRE - THE CLIPPERS DON'T EVEN WANT YOU: One day after learning he would not be getting the first pick in the NBA draft, Los Angeles Clippers president Elgin Baylor announced that Jim Todd will not be his coach next season. Todd, who joined the organization as an assistant coach under Chris Ford before the 1998-99 season, was made interim coach of the floundering franchise on February 3 after Ford was fired...
... Sadly the players WILL be back...
UN-FAIRWAY: The U.S. Golf Association will allow disabled Indiana golfer Ford Olinger to use a walker during a local qualifying round for the U.S. Open...
... They'll also allow John Daly to tee off using a designated driver...
Say Cheese!!! |
HE PINNED HER: Green Bay Packers Pro Bowl tight end Mark "Chewy" Chmura was officially charged with third degree sexual assault on Monday after his 17-year-old baby sitter said he had sex with her at a party following a high school prom...
... Chmura is upset by the charges, saying he never comes in third in anything...
THE BEST DEFENSE IS FOR A GOOD FEDERAL OFFENSE: The murder trial of Baltimore Ravens football star Ray Lewis began on Monday in an Atlanta courtroom with prosecutors and defense attorneys focusing on the selection of jurors. Lewis, an All-Pro National Football League linebacker, was charged with several counts of murder in the stabbing deaths of two men during a street fight outside a fashionable Atlanta nightclub in January...
... He won't make All-Pro next year, but he could make All-Con...
Nearly four in 10 major league baseball players made $1 million or more last season...
... Not a bad salary for guys who work at a 70% failure rate when they even bat .300...
North Carolina, the eighth-seed team in the South Region, knocked off top seed Stanford, 60-53, Sunday to reach the NCAA Tournament's "Sweet 16"...
... Now the number of teams is getting as low as some of the SAT scores of the players...
Detroit Tiger manager Phil Garner announced the team's starting rotation for next season. Hideo Nomo, ,C.J. Nitkowski, Brian Moehler and Dave Mlicki will start...
... Who's gonna pitch in the second inning...?
After 17 years with the Miami Dolphins, Dan Marino - the NFL's most prolific passer - has decided to retire...
... He's done, but some of his overthrown passes will still be sailing for years...
The owner of the New Jersey Devils has reportedly agreed to sell the team to YankeeNets, the parent company that owns
the New York Yankees and New Jersey Nets...
... They're the only hockey team in the corporation - and the
best basketball team, too...
"Sports do not build character. They reveal it."
-Haywood Hale Broun, quoted in James A. Michener's Sports in America |
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