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A guy
sitting at a bar figures he's had enough to drink so he decides
that it is time for him to go home.
He drunkenly tries to stand up but falls down.
He tries again, and again he falls down, so he figures he'll
just crawl outside and try to stand up then.
When he gets outside, he pulls himself up at a parking meter,
but falls down again.
Since he only lives a couple of blocks away, he decides to
just crawl home.
When he gets to his front door he tries to get up again, but
again he falls down.
Not wanting to wake up his wife, he crawls into his house,
up the stairs to his bedroom and into bed and falls asleep.
The next morning, his wife angrily wakes him up saying, "You
were drinking last night!"
"No I wasn't" replies the man in mock indignation.
"Don't lie to me," the wife says, "the bar just called and
said you left your wheelchair there last night!"
Go to:
A
seventy-eight-year-old guy is crying in a bar, so the bartender
approaches him and asks what's wrong.
The old man answers, "I just got married to a twenty-five
year old woman."
The bartender nods his head, saying, "Don't worry, it may
seem that you don't have a lot in common, but maybe this is
an opportunity for each of you to grow!"
The old man shakes his head, saying, "No, that's not the problem!
We have everything in common! She's smart, funny, and wonderful
to be around."
The bartender looks at the man confused, then says, "So you're
worried she just married you for your money, then?"
The old man says, "No -- she's an heiress! She has twice the
money I do."
The bartender is even more confused now. "Is it a sex problem?
I know a great urologist."
The old man just shakes his head and howls, "No, no. We make
love morning, noon and night."
The bartender gives him a look of bewilderment and says, "It
sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The old man answers, "I can't remember where I live!!!!"
There
were three guys talking in the pub.
Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have
over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and
says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have
over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night
my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?"
they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and
uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like
a man.'"
A
man walked into a bar carrying an ape in his arms.
"I just bought this fella as a pet," he explained. "We have
no children, so he's going to live with us, just like one of
the family. He'll eat at our table, even sleep in the bed with
me and the wife."
"But what about the smell?" Someone asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."
A
man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him
he owes $4.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees
that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customershave
paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls
the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your
word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend,
and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls
when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know,
a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking
beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The nextguy
who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds.
"Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
Three
mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late
at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto
the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap,
I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes
down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to
work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds
them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first
mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect
as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and
add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going
for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third
mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first
two, "I don't have time for this. I've got to go fuck the cat."
A
guy goes to a single's bar to find a bedmate for the night.
He sits at the bar and has a couple of drinks while surveying
his possibilities.
He finally decides on a cute redhead that seems to be having
a great time dancing with different guys.
So he has another quick drink while waiting for the music
to stop, making sure he is positioned to ask her for the next
dance.
He gets it, but after gyrating madly on the dance floor with
the gal, after the dance he feels a bit woozy from the drinks
he'd had.
"How many drinks does it take to get you dizzy?" he asks the
perky redhead.
"Oh, four or five." she answers, adding "And don't call me
Dizzy."
There
was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.
Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and
farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at
the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."
The drunk replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
A
guy was sitting at a bar looking kinda depressed.
"What's the matter, Bob?" asked his buddy sitting next to
him.
"Oh, my girlfriend's been pretty sick lately, and I'm worried
that she won't pull through," said Bob.
"Did she go to get it checked out?" asked his friend.
"Yeah I took her there yesterday." said Bob.
"Well what did the doc say?" asked his friend.
"Well," said Bob, "he said to make sure that she gets plenty
of water and clean grass to eat, and to call him next week."
"What?!?" said his buddy, "Grass??? Is that guy a quack or
something?"
"Hey," said Bob, "now I wouldn't say that, I heard that he's
one of the best veterinarians in the country."
Three
women had a very late night drinking Guinness.
They left in the early morning hours and went home separately.
They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes
about who was drunker the night before.
The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I
drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I
got through the door, I blew chunks."
To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk?
I got in my car,drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my
car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I
got home, I got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle
over and burnedthe whole house down!"
They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first
gal said: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my
dog."
A
guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which
reads:
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am." The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
A
cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on
strangers, and he was no exception.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the
air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires
a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with
surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T
BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN
IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back!
He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner,
before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Two
guys are sitting in a bar.
The first guy asks, "What do you do for a living?"
The second guy says, "I'm a lawyer."
The first says, "How much do you charge?"
The second guy says, "$100 for four questions."
The first guy says, "Isn't that a little expensive?"
The second guy says, "Yes. What's your fourth question?"
A
guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna
hear a Polish joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke,
you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I am Polish.
The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's
Polish. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and
he's Polish. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain
it three times."
A
couple of airplane mechanics are kicked out of the local bar and,
with no place else to go, end up in the hanger at SFO. One of
them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel - that'll kinda give
you a buzz."
So they get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinking
buddies can do.
The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his
head will explode if he gets up. But It doesn't. He gets up
and feels good, in fact he feels great - NO hangover!
The phone rings, it's his buddy. The buddy says "Hey, how
do you feel?"
He said, "I feel great!!, and the buddy says, "I feel great
too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says "No - that jet
fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more
often."
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....Did you fart
yet?"
"No.....?????"
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!"
Jesus
is drinking in a bar.
An Irish guy limps into the bar and, with great difficulty,
hoists his bad leg over the barstool and asks the bartender
for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looks down the bar
and says, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods yes,
and the Irishman tells him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey too.
Next an ailing Italian with a hunched back comes into the
bar. He shuffles up to the barstool and asks for a glass of
chianti. He also looks down the bar and asks if that is Jesus
sitting down there. The bartender nods, and the Italian says
to give Him a glass of chianti, too.
The third patron, a redneck, swaggers in and hollers, "Barkeep,
set me up a cold one. Hey is that God's Boy down there?" The
barkeep nods, and the redneck tells him to give Jesus a cold
one, too.
As Jesus gets up to leave, he walks over to the Irishman and
touches him and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The
Irishman feels the strength come back to his leg, and he gets
up and dances a jig out the door.
Jesus touches the Italian and says, "For your kindness, you
are healed!" The Italian feels his back straighten, and he raises
his hands above his head and does a flip out the door.
Jesus walks toward the redneck, and the redneck jumps back
and yells, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability."
A
rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring
his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which
is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face
with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks,
running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
An
older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard
sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it
down, he asked, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as
my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
The
local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand
the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop
of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen,
etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses
and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd
like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed
a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little
man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man
clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the
glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked
the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack,
a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
An
Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar,
drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Irishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last
week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat
because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep
it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says
his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent
$17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know
how to drive!"
But the Englishman still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it
kills me everytime I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife left
to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and
she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't
even have a penis!"
Two
Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady
sits down at the other end and orders a martini.
Stunned by her beauty, the two guys stare at her for awhile,
debating whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she
begins to cough, clutch her throat, and begin to turn blue (obviously
in serious respiratory distress).
One said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!"
The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet,"
said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you
speak?"
She shook her head no.
He then asked, "Can you breathe?"
She again shook her head no.
With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties
and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked by the act, she
coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with embarrased
relief.
At which point, the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed,
"I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work!"
A
guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch whiskey.
The bartender pours him the drink and says, "That's quite
a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After downing his drink, the guy says, "I got home and found
my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" says the bartender, pouring the man a second triple
scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple
is on the house."
As the man downs his second triple scotch, the bartender asks
him, "What did you do?"
The guy says, "I walked over to my wife, looked her straight
in the eye and told her that we were through and to get the
hell out."
The bartender says, "That makes sense -- but what about your
best friend?"
The guy says, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the
eye and said ... 'BAD DOG!'"
A
guy is sitting in a bar one evening looking depressed.
The bartender notices him and asks what's wrong.
The man replies that he believes that his wife is cheating
on him but isn't sure how to confront her about it.
The bartender replies, "Here's what you do. Tonight when you
get home, pull down your pants, point to your penis and ask
her what it is. If she say's its a dick, then that means she's
lost her innocence and shyness which would indicate that she
has been sleeping around. If she say's it's a pecker then that
indicates that she is still shy and innocent."
The man decides to give it a try and goes home to confront
his wife.
He drops his pants, points to his member and asks her what
it is.
"Oh, that's a pecker," responds his wife.
The man lets out a big sigh of relief and exclaims, "Whew,
I was afraid you were going to call it a dick."
His wife responds, "Oh no, that's a pecker all right. A dick
is twice that size!"
A
Frenchman, an Italian and an American were sitting in a bar discussing
sex. "Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the
Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."
The Italian said: "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six
times, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told
me she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once." he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did
she say to you this morning?" he asked.
"Don't stop."
A
rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar. The bartender says,
"What is this, some kind of joke?"
Two
dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two hookers and take
them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His
depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room,
he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did
it go?"
The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I Simply
couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!"
Two
guys were sitting in a bar discussing psychology.
One guy says, "I made an awful Freudian slip the other day.
I was in the train station line, to buy a ticket. In front of
me was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen: perfect body,
gorgeous face, I couldn't take my eyes off her. She bought her
ticket, and my eyes followed her out of the station. When I
got up to the ticket counter, my mind was a million miles away,
and I said to the clerk: 'Two pickets to Tittsburgh, and make
my change in nipples and dimes."
"Wow, that must have been pretty embarrassing!" said the other
guy. "But I made a similar Freudian slip the other day. I don't
know WHAT I was thinking. I was having breakfast with my wife,
and I meant to say "Honey, please pass the sugar", but instead,
I said, "Thanks for ruining my life, you stinking BITCH!"
A
guy walks into a bar and starts dialing numbers on his hand and
talking into it, like a telephone.
The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very
tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand; I'm very hi-tech. I had
a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying
the cellular."
To prove it, the guy dials up a number and holds out his hand
to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries
on a conversation.
"That's incredible," the bartender tells him. "I would have
never believed it!"
"Now where is the men's room?" the guy asks.
The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes
in and doesn't come out for the longest time.
Fearing the worst given the tough neighborhood, the bartender
goes into the men's room. There is the guy, spread-eagle on
the wall....his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet
paper up his butt.
The bartender screams, "did they rob you? How much did they
get?" The guy turns and says: "Nobody robbed me -- I'm just
waiting for a fax!"
A guy walks into a bar. He orders a drink, then has to go
to the bathroom. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink,
so he puts a sign on it. saying , "I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT
DRINK."
After a few minutes he returns, to see another sign next to
his beer, saying,"SO DID I."
A
woman meets Dennis Rodman in a bar. After a few drinks they go
back to his hotel room. Dennis begins to undress, removing his
shirt to reveal a "Reebok" tattoo.
He explains, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up
the tattoo and Reebok pays me for the advertisement."
Next he takes off his pants to reveal the word "Puma" tattooed
on his leg, and he gives the same explanation.
Finally, the underwear comes off and the girl sees the word
"AIDS" tattooed on his penis.
She jumps back, screaming, "You didn't tell me you had AIDS!"
Dennis says, "Relax, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS."
This
guy goes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish whiskey.
The bartender tells him, "You know, I can put all three shots
in one glass for you."
The guy says, "No, I prefer it this way. See, I'm very close
to my two brothers. They're both in Ireland now and this represents
a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and
feel like we are all having a drink together."
The bartender nods and pours the drinks for him as requested.
This goes on every day for several months. Then one day, the
guy orders two shots. The bartender begins to worry that maybe
something has happened to one of his brothers.
"Is everything all right?" the bartender asked.
"What do you mean?" the guy asks.
"Well," the bartender says, "all these months you've ordered
three drinks. Now you've only ordered two. Something didn't
happen to one of your brothers, did it?"
"No," the guy replies. "They are okay. It's just that I quit
drinking."
So
a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .
A
guy walks into a bar and orders six shots.
"What's wrong with you?" the bartender asks.
"My brother just told me he's gay," the guy answers.
The next day the guy returns and orders six more shots.
"What's wrong now?" the bartender asks.
"My dad just told me he's gay, too," the guy answers.
So the next day the guy is back again and orders six
more shots.
"Isn't there anybody in your family who doesn't like guys?"
asks the bartender.
"Yeah," says the guy. "My wife."
Two
guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom.
Standing at the latrine, the first guy notices that the second
guy very well endowed.
"Wasn't always that way," the second guy says. "It's a transplant
-- I got this done over on Harley Street. Cost a thousand bucks,
but as you can see, well worth every cent."
So the first guy visits the doctor on Harley Street that day.
Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar.
The first guy tells the other that he took his advice, but
says, "You were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand."
The second guy can't believe it, so they go back to the restroom
to compare.
"No wonder," the second guy says. "That's my old one!
A
woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm.
"Get that pig out of here!" yelled the bartender.
"That's not a pig, stupid!" she replied, "That's a duck!"
"I know!" said the bartender, "I was talking to the duck!"
An
elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking.
They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the
bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment.
After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they
wind up in bed.
Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.
The old man is thinking, "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin,
I would have been more careful with her."
The old lady is thinking, "Geez, if I had known he could get
it up, I would have taken off my panties."
A
guy walks into a bar one night and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir. That'll be one cent," says the bartender.
"ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman nods his head.
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I
have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried
egg?"
"Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, "but all that comes
to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents," the bartender replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns
this place?"
The barman replies "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
A
Chinese guy sat down at the bar and says to the person next to
him, "Hi. My name's wong, and I'm Chinese."
The guy says, "My name's Goldberg, and I'm Jewish and I hate
Chinese!"
"You hate Chinese... Why?"
"Cause they bombed pearl harbor!"
"The Chinese didn't bomb pearl harbor, the Japanese bombed
pearl harbor!"
"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"
"Well I hate Jews!"
"You hate Jews? Why?"
"Cause you sunk the Titanic!"
"No we didn't, an iceberg sunk the Titanic..."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
This
guy is sitting in a bar drunk.
He asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom at?"
The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right."
Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud
scream coming from the bathroom, and they wonder about what's
going on in there. A few minutes go by, and again, everybody
at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom.
This time, the bartender decides to investigate, and he goes
into the bathroom to see what the drunk is screaming about.
He opens the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming
about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."
The drunk whines, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time
I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out
of my balls!"
With that, the bartender looks in and says, "No wonder! You're
sitting on a mop bucket, you asshole!!!"
A
guy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty
shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the guy drinks them
as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The guy says, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had
what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"
The guy says, "Fifty cents."
This
guy goes up to the bar at the top of the Empire State Building
and takes a seat next to another guy.
"This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy
says.
"Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special
bar."
The first guy asks, "Why is that?"
The second guy says, "Well, you see that window over there,
fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside
that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before
the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
The first guy laughs, not believing it. "Take a look", the
other guy replies and walks over to the window. He opens the
window, climbs over the sill and jumps out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50
feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and
sails back through the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it," he says.
The first guy is still too scared to try.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again," the second guy says.
And with that, he jumps out again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50
feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and
sails back through the window.
"Give it a try, it's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says
and proceeds to jump out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90..100
feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other
guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and
orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman,
you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
A
guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky.
He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket.
He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks
into his short pocket.
He orders a third shot and does the same thing.
After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill,
pays and starts to walk out.
Finally the bartender says, "Excuse me, but I noticed that
every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket.
I was wondering what's in your pocket."
The guys slurs "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket.
I keep drinking until she starts to look good."
One
night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar
for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip
on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before
he found his.
Then, he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys
for several minutes.
Everyone else left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him.
He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered
the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
A
guy walks into a bar with a pet monkey. While the guy is ordering
a drink the monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue
ball, swallowing it whole.
The bartender kicks the guy and his monkey out, but two weeks
later they come back with a new cue ball.
The guy orders another drink, and the monkey starts running
wild again.
The monkey grabs a peanut off the bar, sticks it up his ass,
then pulls it out and eats it.
Disgusted, the bartender asks the guy why the monkey stuck
the peanut up its ass first.
The guy answered, "ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures
everything first."
An
old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old
Scotch.
The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours
a shot of ten-year-old Scotch and figures that the guy won't
be able to tell the difference.
The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten
years old! I specifically asked for forty-year-old Scotch."
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath
the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year-old Scotch and
pours the man a shot.
The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year-old
Scotch. I asked for forty-year-old Scotch."
So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a
bottle of thirty-year-old Scotch and pours the guy a drink.
By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching
anxiously as he downs the latest drink.
Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats
his original request for forty-year-old Scotch.
The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the
cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year-old Scotch.
Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot.
The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year-old
Scotch!"
The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.
An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest,
raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a
swig of this."
The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow.
Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom
floor.
"My God! That tastes like piss," he yells.
"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"
Descartes
walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"
Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF -- he vanishes.
A
drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like
to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!"
The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass
and yells "CHEERS!" and downs their drinks.
The bartender says "That'll be $37.50."
The drunk says, "Kiss my big white ass, 'cuz I don't have
any money!"
This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar
and beats the living hell out of the drunk and throws him out
into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says,
"I'd like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself,
too."
The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the
guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of
the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say, "Salute!" and
down the drinks.
The bartender says, "That'll be $42,50." The drunk replies
by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and
making a loud raspberry noise followed by, "I don't have any
money and you can kiss my big white ass!"
This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He
jumps over the bar and beats the hell out of the drunk and throws
him out into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times
for good measure.
The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before
he can say anything the bartender says, "Let me guess, you want
to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself,
too, right?"
The drunk says, "No way, you get too violent when you drink!"
A
guy walks into a bar carrying a battered briefcase and orders
a cold one.
The bartender brings him a beer and says, "Hey pal, it's none
of my business, but what do have in the case?"
Without saying a word, the guy opens the case and out pops
a little man, about a foot high. He runs across the bar, jumps
down to the floor, runs across the room to a piano in the corner,
jumps up and begins to play. He is pounding out wonderful piano
music.
"Hey that guy is great," the bartender says. "Where did you
get him?"
The guy says, "I was in Egypt by the Great Pyramids. I leaned
against the pyramid to rest. The stone block moved and I found
a magic lamp. I rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared and said
he would grant just one wish."
The bartender asks him if the lamp is still there, because
he'd like to make a wish, too.
"Oh, it's still there," the man said, "but I have to warn
you that when you make your wish, be sure to speak very slowly
and clearly and enunciate each word."
When the bartender asks him why, the guy answers, "Do you
really think I would wish for a twelve-inch pianist?"
A
woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to
enlarge her breasts.
The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do
that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
The bartender says, "Just rub toilet paper between them."
The woman says, "How does that make them bigger?"
The bartender says, "I don't know, but it worked for your
ass."
Three
guys were out drinking one night, when one of them finally passes
out.
The other two laugh, and one even peels the label off his
beer bottle and sticks it on the guy's forehead.
An hour or so later, he awakens, looks at his watch, and realizes
that he has to drive home.
He hadn't even gone a mile, when he sees red lights flashing
in his rear view mirror, and he's forced to pull over.
The officer walks up, looks in, and shakes his head. "Sir...
have you been drinking?"
The guy lies, saying, "Well, I had one or two."
Disgusted, the cop says "Why, sir, do you have a Budweiser
label on your face?"
The guy looks at himself in the mirror and sees the label.
Thinking fast, he looks at the cop and says, "Oh this?
Well, you see, I am trying to quit drinking, and my doctor gave
me this patch!"
A
guy steps up to a bartender and says, "I'll bet you a hundred
bucks I can stand here and pee into that empty beer bottle on
the far end of the counter and not spill a drop."
Since the bartender has enough trouble filling beer bottles
that way himself, he takes the bet.
The guy unzips his fly and lets loose - and not only does
he miss the bottle, his wiz flies everywhere -- all over the
counter, the stools, the glasses - even the bartender.
Normally the bartender would kill a guy for doing this, but
now he just laughs and tells the guy to pay him a hundred bucks.
The guy does so happily, then walks over to the pool tables,
where a pool player hands him five hundred bucks and storms
off.
Before the pool player can leave, the bartender stops him.
"What was that all about?" he asks.
The pool player says, "that guy bet me five hundred dollars
that he could pee on the bartender, and the bartender would
be happy about it."
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