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Pie-In-The-Face Award
Given Each Week to the Person with the Dumbest Quote
9/29/2000 ""I think he would be liberal. I think he would care. I think he would probably want to see me released." -- Mark Chapman, imprisoned for murdering John Lennon 20 years ago, on whether Lennon would want to seem him paroled, quoted in a British newspaper. 9/11/2000 "There's Adam Clymer, major-league asshole from the New York Times." --Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush, referring to a reporter at a campaign stop in Naperville, Illinois, when he leaned over to running mate Dick Cheney. (The microphone was on.) "Oh yeah, he is, big-time." -- Cheney's reply "I regret that a private comment I made to the vice-presidential candidate made it onto the public airwaves. I regret everybody heard what I said." -- Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush, arriving in Allentown, Pennsylvania, when he was asked about his remark about Clymer. "I won't respond to it. The governor made a private comment to me." -- Dick Cheney, when asked by a television producer if "calling people names" was part of the campaign. 9/1/2000
"Gore Kills Child: Al Gore
was arrested today for killing a small child with his teeth."
"A recently hired, inexperienced freelancer in our Southwest
Regional Bureau [was] training on the computer system. In showing
someone else how to write and send a script to the affiliates,
this freelancer created a dummy item in an existing lineup,
and a dummy script. He then hit the computer key sequence that
sent the lineup and the script to our affiliates. This freelancer
was fired immediately."
"Breast-feeding is an immoral
act. It leaves people with an oral fixation. And the worst part
of it is, the child doesn't have a choice." ... So god put milk in mommies for what purpose?
... And you know how the GOP is for choice...
... So just whack off the end of it's pee-pee, and let's
get to church already...
"I thought it was Charles
Manson. I don't know whether it's shock art or schlock art. David
Lynch should stick to his day job, making movies." "Don't you think when people tell you you're allowed to do
whatever you want as long as it's not sexually X-rated that
they should stand behind their word and show your cow?" ... The judges were horrified at the brutality of the piece,
then went back to eating their McDonalds hamburgers...
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"Men will always remain pigs." "Sometimes something will be hanging out of my nose... for
days." "Minotauruses are eating the genitals of the moon . . . There
are seagulls on the Riviera, slurping ice-cooled gin and tonics." "It's all about entertainment and you know it ... May the
force be with me!"
"She asked, 'Does he have
to be a gladiator? Couldn't he be someone who works in the Colosseum?'
She was also against the violence."
"I'm crazy about him.... He's
just the sexiest [bleeping]...creature that every lived...I am
madly in love with this man till the day I die."
"Just because we've made the
choice that we don't want AIDS doesn't mean the party's over.
We can still fool around with sex and have a great time. Still
shoot up if that's what we're into. We can reduce the chance of
getting and spreading HIV by sticking to our decisions and always
using condoms and new rigs."
-- A pamphlet, entitled "My Choice. AIDS. Not In This Body,"
produced by the Canadian AIDS Society as part of a national
awareness campaign. It urges young people to practice safe sex
and intravenous drug use. (Rigs is street slang for drug use
materials such as needles.)
"Maybe I can have him sit
in City Hall and you won't know the difference."
"I never thought I'd go into
porn, but it's better than modeling. If you model, you have to
have sex with the agent, the booker and the photographer. In porn,
I only have to have sex with one person, and I get paid for it."
"I absolutely loved it. It
reminded me of 'My Fair Lady.' And it was the only movie I've
seen that made me want to go out and buy new luggage."
"(He claimed) he needed the
money more than his victims did."
"Amazing!" "His only has the presidential seal, and it doesn't move."
"My big invention idea was
the vomint. The vomint. Like when you belch and get a little throw-up?
You need a mint for that ... Our world is so over-compartmentalized,
I think we need a mint for that specific case."
"Now I bet he's choking on his words."
"I'm going to win." -- George W. Bush predicting a win in the New Hampshire primary (rival John McCain won in a landslide). "I'm all name and no money" -- George W. Bush, 1986 "When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them and it was clear who them was. Today we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there." -- Texas Gov. George W. Bush, presidential candidate, in Council Bluffs, Iowa, on Jan. 21, 2000. "I propose that every city have a telephone number 119 - for
dyslexics who have an emergency." "Some say give it [the Federal Budget Surplus] to the taxpayers
who pay the bills. That some is George W. Bush." -- Bush on education, Jan. 2000. "Sitting down and reading a 500-page book on public policy
or philosophy or something." "This is Preservation month. I appreciate preservation. This
is what you do when you run for president. You've got to preserve." "Some people have too much freedom." -- George W. Bush listing one of the priorities of his future administration. "The Grecians." -- George W. Bush on Greek people. "What I'm against is quotas. I'm against hard quotas, quotas that basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society." -- George W. Bush, meaning to say "balkanize," not "vulcanize" -- we think -- and something about quotas (Austin American-Statesman 3/23/99). "... A world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental
losses." -- New Hampshire, Jan. 2000 "I think it's important for those of us in a position of responsibility to be firm in sharing our experiences, to understand that the babies out of wedlock is a very difficult chore for mom and baby alike. ... I believe we ought to say there is a different alternative than the culture that is proposed by people like Miss Wolf in society. ... And, you know, hopefully, condoms will work, but it hasn't worked." --In an interview with Tim Russert on Meet the Press, Nov. 21, 1999. "Tell them I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made." -- George W. Bush "Just make sure you put in there, 'He was real tired too.'" -- George W. Bush on the press reporting his verbal miscues. Good luck in the coming elections, George -- we comedy writers need you!!!
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